Qui-Gon's First Padawan

I will.

 

here is a little bit more feedback PLEASE

Ariana went quickly into her room to pack up. It was easy since her clothes were already strewn on the floor. She made sure she had every possible thing she would need and then sat
down on her bed to absorb what was happening. She began to think to herself of all the bad things that could come of this. Removal from the order. Then she thought of how Qui-Gon had asked her to go. He must really trust me if he is taking me on a secret mission. Look how I acted towards him even after he displayed trust towards me. I must really be a bad Padawan. Ariana got up off her bed and walked out into the hall.

?I am done packing,?she said.

?Okay I have too book a ship off planet and then we will go. This won?t be easy are you
sure you can handle it.? Qui-Gon said.

?Yes, master, I think so.? She said.

?Fine then lets get going.? Qui-Gon finished.

 

I liked how you put Ariana's thought's in there. I've always been one who cares about what people think more than what they look like.
As always, I wait not so paciently for more story.

 

we are so happy to have a reader

 

That means when I post a story I'll have readers, too. right?

Liara, who's your fav character that doesn't have the Force, and is at least 15 in ANH? I'm trying to think of someone to use in a story.

 

well I think if Bria was alive it would be cool or Han I guess Lando is awesome too

 

Yeah, I don't know who I'm using yet. Janson and Han have been tempting me.
Will there be more story by the end of tomorrow?

 

Here is more. As Liara said, feedback please!
------------

Ariana sat with her master in the rooms they had been given on board the transport. She
was deep in thought, thinking about her inappropriate behavior back at the temple. She wasn't sure if Qui-gon had truly forgiven her or not, and she couldn't afford to have that hanging over her head. She knew only one way to properly atone for her actions. She rose from her chair, and
walked over in front of her master. She waited until she was sure he was watching her, then she went down on one knee, in the traditional posture of a contrite Padawan that has erred. "Master," She began, "I behaved inappropriately back in our quarters. I am very sorry. Please forgive me
master." She waited, eyes on the floor.

"Ariana," Qui-gon said, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder, "I understand why you behaved as you did. That does not make it okay, but, as I said before, I will not punish you. I also forgive you. Does that make you feel better, Padawan?" He asked.

"Yes, master, it does. Thank you." Ariana looked up and met her master's eyes. "Thank you." She then rose and returned to her chair.

 

he, I guess my question got answered. At the same time I asked. Maybe we are Jedi, JK.
Good story, and thanks more adding more quickly!

 

Welcome. Maybe we are, wouldn't that be neat?

 

Liara, you know I think your writing is good, despite my comments on a certain other work of yours. I just thought you were capable of better. This is starting to show what you can do -- and I like what I see.

Long-winded digression: I think you should show more of Ariana. You're starting to get into her emotions, but you're not explaining enough. I think you need to tell us WHY she feels the way she does; else we cannot sympathize with the character. We know she's so afraid of Qui-Gon's disapproval -- why? Did someone disapprove of her before, when she was a Temple initiate? Did she have a hard time getting chosen as his Padawan? Fear is a Dark Side emotion, and Jedi -- even apprentices -- are discouraged from having such tendencies. It would be more realistic if Qui-Gon was simultaneously dealing with his family's plea AND Ariana's illogic. Which reminds me: get something from Qui-Gon's perspective in here. I want to see how HE feels about the whole ordeal.

But really, I'm sorry for missing the posts. Apart from the *ahem* guidance I've given, I think you're really a good writer. You just need to be pointed in the right direction. And that happens to be praise, Liara.

 

well at least one of you has written about it on my add-on "what if you woke up with Jedi traits"

 

here is some more


Qui-Gon watched Ariana pace back and forth in there cramped quarters. It would be
about 5 hours until they reached Malastare.

?Stop pacing Padawan. We should meditate to clear our minds before we reach the
planet.? He said.

?Yes Master,? Ariana replied. They both kneeled down in the traditional meditation
position and drifted off into deep meditation. Qui-Gon became aware of Ariana?s thoughts. He saw how troubled she was about everything. I shouldn?t have been so hard on her today, he thought. I will have to apologize to her later. They were jolted from their Meditative trances about 5 hours later by Laser gun bolts.

?The ship is under attack by forces on Malastare, please remain calm? They heard the pilot say over the ships communicators. Oh wonderful, thought Qui-Gon.

?Stay calm Padawan, I'm afraid this is just the beginning?

 

"We are under attack, please remain calm"

LOL

If you care about grammar, you used the wrong their at the beginning. If you don't ignore what I said. It didn't bother me, I just noticed it.

 

I do care but we had to rush to finish so I guess we screwd up

 

A little bit more. Our sincere apologise for it's being so short!

-----------------
Qui-Gon jumped up and hurried to the cockpit. "Pilot" He began "They are shooting at us because of my padawan and I. You must turn around and go to another planet. You will not be safe with us onboard"

The pilot looked at Qui-gon with a expression of fear on his face. "I've never been attacked before! I guess I better do what you say, get back to your quarters, and hang on!"

Qui-gon nodded, and complied with the pilot's wishes.

 

That was good.

 

Here is a slightly longer piece.

-------------------

Well padawan, I convinced the pilot to head for another planet, ans drop us of. I guess we'll just have to find a more, shall I say, underhanded, way to get on to Malastare. It seems someone doesn't want us there." Qui-gon smiled tightly.

"Okay, master. Master, do we have to do this? I mean, this doesn't seem like a very Jedi-like thing to do." Ariana commented, being very carefull to remain respectfull.

"Yes, padawan, I'm afraid we have to. I'm sorry I dragged you into this, but I had no idea at the time just how bad it was going to get."

"Master, you never have to apologise for asking me to fullfill my duty. You are my master after all." Ariana smilled at Qui-gon.

"Thank you padawan. I am glad you feel that way. Now I think some meditaion would do you no harm."

"Yes, master." Ariana replied, kneeling beside her bed to meditate.

Qui-gon smiled at his apprentice, she was so loyal, but her insecurity bothered him. Sure she had been teased, and even taunted, when she was an initiate because she was slower to learn than other students, but he had always been patcient, and understanding. Other initiates had told her no Jedi would ever want her, she would end up in the agri-corp, but he had told her no such thing
would happen. Her insecurity should have gone away, but for some reason, she still feared regection. He would have to talk to her about that later.

 

here is some more story for you


Ariana and Qui-Gon walked off the ship and said their goodbyes to the captain. They had
landed on Dantoine even though it was a little out of the way, just to throw everyone off.

?Ariana we will have to proceed with caution,? Qui-Gon said.

?I know,? she said

?We might have to use less than conventional ways of achieving out goals? Qui-Gon
continued.

?Yes Master,? the Padawan said respectfully. Oh wonderful, she thought sarcastically. I
wonder where this is going to end up. She began to let her thoughts wander off. She began to think about ways to help her Master.

?Master,?she said. ?I am sorry if this doesn?t sound too Jedi like but we could borrow a ship.?

?What do you mean Padawan?? Qui-Gon said.

?Well, we could mind trick someone to give us one and then bring it back when we are
done.? She replied nervously?

?Desperate times call for desperate measures Padawan. Lets do it,? Qui-Gon said.

 

Qui-gon and Ariana were seated comfortably in the lounge room of the ship that they had
'borrowed' from a rather weak minded citizen. Qui-gon had had no trouble at all convincing him to let them have it. Hardly a thing a Jedi would normally do, but then, they hadn't been acting 'normally' at all lately. Qui-gon decided now was a good a time as any to have a talk with his
Padawan.

"Padawan." He said.

"Yes, master."

"Come here for moment, I'd like to talk to you.

Ariana's heart sped up, and she repressed a gasp. What had she done? She thought she had been behaving quite well recently. Could this be about her insubordination back at the temple? No, they had already dealt with that. What then? She rose, and walked to stand in front of her master.
"Yes, master?" She questioned.

"I was wondering why you are so afraid that I will send you away. Have I ever done anything to make you think I would?" Qui-gon asked quietly.

"No, master, never. It's just that," Ariana hung her head, "Well, other initiate used to say I wasn't any good. And I never seem to be able to behave as a proper Padawan should, and I just feel so, worthless. I can't see why you would want me. I'm just a burden to you. There have to be dozens
of other padawans that would be better for you." Ariana trailed of.

"Padawan, look at me." Ariana rose her head and met his gaze. "I love you, you are not a burden. No one is perfect, you are no worse than any padawan I could take. Maybe they would be better than you in some areas, but they would have flaws too. Never think that I would send you away, because I won't. Now can we stop this unneeded tension, and worry, and just be regular?" Qui-
gon smiled warmly at Ariana.

"Oh, yes master! Thank you so much!" She threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. Qui-gon hugged her back, and smiled happily.

 

Those 3 posts were great! Sorry I didn't reply sooner, JK should know why.

I'll be reading this even if I don't reply all the time.

 

thank you for being a loyal reader

 

Howdy, Liara. Lots of new story, and I've still got the same comments (especially the grammar one). I still think you're not getting anywhere with short, repetetive posts. The tension is simply not there. You need more detail -- I'm not asking you to be Tolkien, but get some more details. Their ship was being attacked; perhaps show Qui's reaction and everything he thought about it, or him asking the Force for guidance, or his plan B or... anyway, I'm just trying to say I know you can go further with this. Why don't you wait and perfect the next post instead of trying to get more story up every hour?

BTW, Dantooine is more than a little bit out of the way from Malastare -- it's clear across the galaxy.

 

I know I know

 

sorry this is a little bit short


Ariana paced back and forth in her quarters. She had guilt burning at the back of her mind. She began to think about how the person who?s ship they were borrowing must feel. All I want to do right now is give the ship back she thought guiltily. When I should be thinking about how to help my Master in the hard times ahead.

?We are almost there? Qui-Gon called from the cockpit.

?Okay,? she shouted back. Suddenly the ship began to shake violently.

?Ariana, ? called Qui-Gon. ?We are in for a bumpy ride"