Qui-Gon's First Padawan

Aquenda, tell me how to abreviate your name! Have you met Darth Writers Block? He attacks the boards quite often, and I know Jk has been fighting him. So have patience waiting for posts.

 

*Jk backs into the thread, desperatly batteling DWB* "Yes, he's still attacking me! Who do you think THIS is?"

 

*Ar starts battling DWB giving JK a short break. They then work to defeat him together* Die DWB Die!

 

OK then....

Feedback: It's so hard to say the same thing over and over again. I truly think this story would be top-notch if you just made the readers see what the character is thinking. Saying, "Ariana thought Qui-Gon hated her" or whatever isn't enough. We need to see *why* they're doing what they're doing and how they feel about everything. Write longer posts -- you can have your characters digress, y'know. (Actually, in these posts, with Qui's former tormented peer, there's an idea I don't know if I like. I think it's unlikely that Qui would do that -- or that an ex-Jedi initiate would seek revenge on his childhood tormentor. However, to make it work, you can have scenes from *his* twisted POV so we see where he's coming from. Flashback, perhaps?)

BTW, Liara, you broke 100. I hope you're satisfied.

 

I have humongus writes block help me

 

Her is a new one. Sorry for the delay. Hope you like it! We really NEED feadback though!
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Qui-Gon looked at the man in shock. He DID remember him, but he didn't recall picking on, or making fun of, him. That was not the way a Jedi behaved, Admittedly, Qui-Gon had been a bit a renegade at times, but he never did anything truly wrong. Until now. He did know that others had picked on Hurge, but he had not. There must be a mistake. He would have to try to reason with him when a opportunity presented itself.

Across from Qui-Gon Hurge was thinking thoughts of his own. This man, this person, he had taunted him, and plagued him unmercifully, Hurge hated him for that. Qui-Gon would pay, oh yes, he WOULD pay. Slowly, painfully, he would die. No, wait, that would mean too little to his enemy, his apprentice, she was the key. He would torture her, and finally kill her. THAT would hurt Qui-Gon more than his own death, much more. Then Qui-Gon would die too, yes, Hurge would make him pay dearly. Hurge smiled evilly to himself, and patted the ysalimari on his
back.

 

Ooh, I don't like this Hurge fellow at all. Have Qui kill him slow, OK?

 

OK, I'm going to ignore the grammar, but there is one literary problem here. You switch POV in the same scene. I guess it's OK, but I've been taught it's the biggest no-no (and you'll note it doesn't happen -- at least not in well-written novels) of all fiction.

Now, as for the content, I still think you're missing the depth. What exactly did Qui do to incite Hurge to capture his family and want to kill his Padawan? Why does he hate him so badly? I doubt very much that an ex-Jedi initiate would harbor such feelings fr so long without joining up with the Trade Federation or Sith or something -- they always find a way. So unless you're willing to make this conspiracy run deep, I suggest you explain his motives. (Continuity error: I don't think the Old Republic Jedi really knew about yslamiri; they just knew to stay away from Myrkr -- I think. I also doubt he'd have access to them unless he's involved with a criminal organization like Black Sun or the Hutts -- which is interesting as a concept.)

 

That was good, though I'm confused about whether or not Qui-Gon teased this Hurge. The man seems to think he did.

 

here is a little more


Thoughts raced through Qui-Gon??s head as they were pushed through the streets. Hurge had taken hold of Ariana?s arm and was dragging her roughly behind him. Qui-Gon noticed that as soon as they were in the presence of this Hurge he couldn?t feel the force. It must have something to do with the lizard on his back, Qui-Gon thought. Qui-Gon felt a strong obligation to protect Ariana, it was as though she was his daughter. As he thought of this he began to remembered all the times he was less then nice, and even cold. Now he realized why she never felt good enough. It was all his fault. ?Stop slowing us down Jedi,? Herge snarled. Qui-Gon saw Herge's grip tighten on Ariana?s
arm. He saw her wince and look at him sullenly. He needed a plan to get them away.

 

Here's more. I LOVE feedback!

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Hurge pushed Qui-Gon and Ariana roughly into a small cell at his hideout in the
mountains nearby. "Don't get comfortable, I'll be back for you soon." Hurge cackled evilly, and left, closing and locking the door behind him. Qui-Gon picked himself off the floor, and looked at his apprentice. For some reason he still couldn't feel the Force. Qui-Gon took a deep breath. He'd better do this now, incase he never got another chance. "Padawan," he began, "I know you feel as if I don't care about you. I know you think I don't want you, but your wrong. I love you, and I care. I'm really sorry for acting so cold, and uncaring,"

Ariana interrupted him and said,"Master, don't do this, I'm the one that can't do anything right."

"No, padawan, that is NOT true. You CAN do things right, you just don't think you can. I am going to finish what I have to say, so just be quite and listen. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. I want you to know that I care about you. And, padawan, can you forgive me for being so cold to you?" Qui-Gon waited. So many times Ariana had apologized, and been unable to look at
Qui-Gon. Now it was his turn to hang his head and look at the floor. Ironic, what it had taken to make him see his errors. Being captured, and imprisoned, by what was, most likely, a sith.

Ariana winced, this situation made her very uncomfortable. Her master, hanging his head
in shame! Her master, asking HER forgiveness, how could she refuse? "Of course master, I forgive you. And I understand how you could make mistakes. I am your first apprentice after all. I love you too master, and I won't be afraid of your rejection anymore." Ariana drew her master
into a hug right then and there. What ever happened, they would face it togther

 

Yeah, work together! Padawan and Master team!

Not quite related to this, but close. For this to fit, poor Qui-Gon has to sucessfully train Ariana without training her, because he's a Knight when training Obi, and a Master in TPM. Anyone know why? That has me confused.

 

I don't know

 

Oh, just so ya'll know, Aquenda can't post til Friday, so that's one reason for fewer posts. Where everyone else is...Beats me.

 

Welll, long as the story comes to s great ending, I'm happy..

 

Liara, hear you nothing that I say?

I told you you were stereotyping Hurge, and now it's much, much worse. Case in point: "He cackled evilly." C'mon, you know better than that! *He's* the one calling the shots here, so you have to give *reasons* for what he does. You have to give *motives.* What does it take for you to get inside a character's head? All we need is a little bit of exposition and -- voilà! Your fic gains some of the ingredients of a good story.

In the last post, BTW, I didn't like the dialogue. It sounded forced, and again, you didn't give reasons. Think of all the good books and fics you've ever read. What do they all have in common? Now do it.

 

Look, Melne, I think I'm the one you need to berate. I know what you mean, but I can't seem to do it. I'm sorry. *JK hangs her head in shame.*

 

No hanging your head Master, It's not allowed except before the Council!

 

I really can't write, sorry Melné I know already.

 

up!

 

Liara, you can write. it might not be the best, but it's still good.

And I bet it improves as the story goes.

 

to put it bluntly this story doesn't really work with my writing styly I think

 

You don't mean your quiting on me! You can't quite!

 

Well, Liara sorta wrote a solo fic in between, which was very good and I think that's the direction she's headed.

Each story can be seen as a stepping stone in a writer's career; don't feel abandoned. In a really good story, you'd have written an outline before you started, so you'd know what turns the story would take.

Liara's starting to realize that now (right?) and she's trying that out. I also just noticed that my saying this means nothing, so if Liara wants to contradict me, she's welcome.

 

I do still want to write but I have no ideas does anyone who has read this care to help