Spring, MO Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

Those are my favorites Especially #10, Randy and I try to live by that one. Doesn't always work but we try.

 

I saw that list a long time ago. Several of the quotes from it were used in one of the plays I wrote.

 

Laura - I've seen that before - makes me laugh everytime I see it.

How true, how true

 

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.


This is one that Jeremy and I still struggle with.

 

Shouldn't there be one about which way the toilet paper is supposed to come off the roll? I say it should come over the top, but Tim is always putting it so it comes from the bottom. This is a major issue with us (humourous issue) and we're always racing to be the one who refills the roll so that we can have it how we want it.

 

I would have to side with Tim...but then I have had children when they were very young unroll the whole thing cause it was over the top. So now, I am very obsessive about it coming out from the bottom...

 

Yeah, I noticed that about you, Christine, when I've used your bathroom. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you.

 

You mean someone other than you in your household puts a new toilet paper roll back on.
I would be happy either way, as long as it made it to the holder. Ugh!

 

LOL, Leash that is so true!

 

A friend just sent me this...

THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1) Indubitably
2) Innovative
3) Preliminary
4) Proliferation
5) Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY HARD TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1) Specificity
2) British Constitution
3) Passive-Aggressive Behavior
4) Loquacious
5) Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK:
1) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
2) Nope, no more booze for me
3) Sorry, but you're really not my type
4) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely outside
5) Oh I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

Tim,
I couldn't normally say some of those words. LOL!

 

5) Oh I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Most people I know are worse at that sober "p

 

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the worl d with her husband.



Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

 

That damn fairy needs to be drawn and quartered.

Here is something funny:
I have been talked into writing some fanfic.

OK, so maybe that's not funny now but I am sure everyone will have a good laugh at it when it is posted.

 

These three couples want to join a new church, but they have to pass this test in order to get in. They have to abstain from sex for two weeks. So, two weeks pass, and the minister turns to the first couple, which is an elderly couple.

"Were you able to abstain?" he asked.

"Oh yea, sure, that was no problem at all," they replied. They were allowed in. Then the minister turned to the second couple, who was middle-aged or so.

"Were you able to abstain?" he asked.

"Well," they said, "It was easy the first week, but during the second week we had to be careful and sleep in separate beds, but we were able to abstain." They were let in too. Then the minister turned to the last couple, a young couple.

"Were you able to abstain?" he asked.

"Well... to be honest, on the second day, my wife dropped a box of lightbulbs, and she bent over to pick it up," said the husband, "and I couldn't control myself, and we made love right there on the floor."

"Well! You're not welcome then," said the minister.

"Pssht," said the husband, "I don't care, we're not welcome in the Grocery Store either."

 

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and
the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the
flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a
particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot
go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can
hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


MEANWHILE...
A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....

 

LOL!!! thank you so much...Darrell and I really enoyed the jokes. Ah, nothing like starting a Monday off with some good humor.

 

Hey, I'd take floor 5 if I was single

 

I wished I married a business man, then I could have nice things.

 

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed.

The chicken, taking a drag of its cigarette, turns to the egg and casually remarks, "Well, now that we've figured that out, what do you wanna do next?"

 

I don't freaking get that joke! What does it mean?!

 

Who came first the chicken or the egg?

I think it is quite clever!

 

LOL don't worry Katy, my husband took a few seconds to get it as well.
Which came first the chicken or the egg. Good joke.

 

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

 

Hey Dajuan, will you check this guys math for me? I'm not good at word problems.