Spring, MO Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

I think at the moment I'm the only Nascar fan here.. An Elliott Sadler/Carl Edwards fan myself. Dirt track races are better though.

Better PM me with the joke though, come to think of it.. Let's not put offensive stuff on here. If you have to think about it, it probably shouldn't go up. LOL.

 

I say - let her fly! I was an Earnhardt fan, but I've already heard most of them.

Also, whose standard of offensive should we adopt?

 

Well, the boards have a technical PG rating so those standards

 

He told me the joke, I'm kinda glad he left it off the boards, just in case.

 

Why Parents Turn Gray

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. Upon dialing the employee's home phone number, he was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried, as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

 

Oh that is too funny. Reminds me of the time my friend's 5 year old called 911 to report strange noises coming from the bedroom... lol!

 

Man that was very funny. I have a joke, but I think it would go above the PG rating. Any one who would like to see it off the boards send me a private messsage and a way for me to send it to you, and I would be glad to send it.

 

Here's a good joke a very good freind of mine sent me. It's a thanksgiving joke.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions, I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate captain sitting at the counter. The sailor can't help but notice that the captain is in pretty bad shape; he had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch. So the sailor walked up to him and asked, "How did you get the peg leg?"

The captain said, "Well, matey, we was in this terrible storm and I was washed overboard, and dern me if a shark didn't come and bite off me leg."

Then the sailor asked, "So how'd you get the hook?"

The captain replied, "Well, we was in a real fierce fight while boarding an enemy ship, and that's where I got me my hand cut off."

The sailor asked again, "So then what about the eyepatch?"

To which the captain replied, "A seagull pooped in me eye."

The sailor said in disbelief, "You mean to tell me that you lost an eye because a seagull pooped in it?"

And the captain said, "Well... it was the first day I had the hook..."

 

Two cats are talking ont thier cell phones,
the first says to the senond: Can you hear me-ow?

 

I like that joke.

 

Two guys have to work the late shift at the San Francisco airport one night. One of them says he'd really like a beer, but his buddy says, "Hey, why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes great, and you don't get a hangover in the morning!"

So they go ahead and have a few pints of the jet fuel, and it tastes great, and they're having a good time.

The next morning, the first worker gets a call from his buddy, who says, "So, how do you feel this morning?"

"Great," he answered, "no hangover or anything!"

"Just one problem... Have you farted yet?" his buddy asks.

"Um... no, not yet," answered the first worker.

"Well don't," said his buddy, "I'm calling from Phoenix!"

 

Dude! I should try that for my Chicago trip, faster and more fun that driving

 

Love the joke about drinking jet fuel. I almost fell out of my chair.

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"

And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

 

Good one!

 

OMG that vacuum one was great!

Glad you liked the joke, Draco!

 

Someone at my work the other day told me...

That there will be 3 more SW movies where Luke is killed, Mace Windu's son teams up with Luke's son and they fight Darth Maul's apprentice.

I don't know where the **** he heard that, but I told he better get his facts straight.

Funniest thing I've heard all week! HAHA

 

The last joke is funny. I also agree that the guy should get his facts straight. I heard that Ep3 was the last SW film GL is going to do. I also heard that he may get back into small movies, but that may not be true.

 

Ladies you'll enjoy this one.
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH:
> >
> > 1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
> >
> > 2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND
> > WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY
> > THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
> >
> > 5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE
> > FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE
> > LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING
> > IT.
> >
> > 6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I
> > LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
> >
> > 7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN
> > EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD!
> > I LOVE THIS SONG!"
> >
> > 8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
> > SITTING NEXT TO ME.
> >
> > 14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS
> > STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
> >
> > 15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING,
> > "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
> >
> > 16! . I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN
> > I SIT ON IT.
> >
> > 17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN
> > MOVES.
> >
> > 18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER
> > I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
> >
> > 20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S
> > THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING
> > STRAIGHT.
> >

I've edited out some the ones I thought would be borderline offensive. PM me if you want entire thing.

 

Heres on for the girls...and for the understanding, good-natured, fun, kinda guys.

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the **** out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

Very funny Laura!!

 

that one about the men... SO TRUE!!!

 

I loved the last joke. very funny.

 

Don't let the thread die, people! Keep it alive!!