Spring, MO Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

There was a man who lost an arm in an accident. He became very depressed because he lost out on doing many things due to his condition.
One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator, rode to the top floor of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, kicking up his heels as happy as can be.
He then realized that the happy chum had no arms whatsoever.
He started thinking, what am I doing up her feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with.
He hurried down and caught up to the man with no arms.
He told the armless man how glad he was to see him because he was about to kill himself because he felt useless.
The guy asks the armless man why he was so happy.
The armless man replied,









"I am NOT happy: my butt itches"

 

I saw this today and instantly thought of you guys. So, I figured I would stop back by and say hi to everyone.
The girl that has heard the worst pickup lines ever.

right below the main picture there's link to other funny Star Wars ones.

 

QGB - nice to see you're still kick'in!

 

So these two guys are walking their dogs one day. One guy has a German shepherd, and the other has a chihuahua. They see a bar on their way, and the guy with the German shepherd suggests they go in for a drink.

"They're not gonna let dogs into the bar," says his buddy.

"No no, watch this." So the guy puts on some dark glasses and goes into the bar pretending his German shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, and the bartender pays no attention to them. So the guy with the chihuahua puts on dark glasses and goes into the bar too.

"I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs in here," the bartender told him.

"No, he's a seeing-eye dog," said the man.

The bartender raised his eyebrow and said, "A chihuahua is a seeing-eye dog?"

The guy then says, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

 

Heh...that was mildly amusing dear.

 

thank you

 

That joke was amusing.

 

A few months ago I got a paycheck for $0.00. I'm serious too.

Now that's funny.

 

Where do you volunteer at?

 

I missed several hours those two weeks from being very ill. After Taxes and my 401K my check was $0.00. I ended up owing work money because I didn't make enough to cover my medical insurance.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

 

That was funny.

 

Oh dear God that's great!!

 

Leave it to Tim to almost make milk come out my nose!

 

A Harvard lawyer was vacationing in Michigan and persuing his favorite hobby, duck hunting. He shot one out of the sky and it spiraled down into the field of an adjacent farm.

He climbed the fence to go retrieve his kill when the farmer saw him and approached him.

The farmer said "put that down, that's my duck, it's on my property."

To which the lawyer replied "Sir, I'm a Harvard lawyer, and I will sue you for everything you're worth if you deny me my property and I will own this farm."

The farmer thought and replied back "Well you know, I'm just a simple Michigan farmer, but here in Michigan we settle things by a kicking contest."

The lawyer though to himself, that would save him a lot of money and hassle, so he said "Okay, how does it work?"

The farmer says, "Well, we kick each other in sets of three, and the first one that can't get up loses."

The lawyer though, well I work out, I can beat this old man hands down.

The farmer says, "Well this is my land, I get the first set of three."

The farmer plants the first kick square in the lawyers crotch, bringing the lawyer to his knees. The second kick was directly to the stomach and the lawyer doubled over as the wind was knocked from him. The third kick the farmer put his steel toe Redwing right up the lawyer's ass, knocking him face first into a pile of cow ****.

The lawyer gets up slowly and says, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn!"

The farmer smiles and says, "Naah, it's okay, you can have the duck."

 

That was good.


A friend showed me this this morning. I think it's funny anyway.

[image=http://www.petheads.de/images/smiles/icon_pcstress.gif]

 

oooo... there are days I'd LOVE to do that to whatever p.o.s. technology is giving me a hard time...

 

I know what you mean.

 

Don't know if this is true or not, but I got a kick out of it

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

 

Yeah, I looked that up, someone at my last work gave it to me. Lots of people said it wasn't true, it was just some joke someone wrote. But a funny one at that!

 

AMEN SISTER!

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P....
E....
N.....
I.....
S....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

 

good one. very amusing.

 

Thank you. I search through my e-mails but I have to be careful that they are TOS friendly or make them TOS friendly.

 

Ooo! He got e-dissed!