Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

Discussion in 'St. Louis, MO' started by JediUruviel, Apr 9, 2005.

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  1. yodaismygod Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 4
  2. Jedi_Dajuan Admin: FanForce and Games

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 2002
    star 6
  3. spideymj Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 4, 2005
    star 3
    11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men
    and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so
    they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were
    all going to fall.
    They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
    touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
    rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for
    her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always
    making sacrifices with little in return.
    As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
    their hands.......
  4. twilek69 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 25, 2005
    star 4
  5. Darth Gangrenous Game Host

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2005
    star 10
    Grandma's Birth Control Pills

    The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
    As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
    "Yes, they help me sleep at night"
    "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
    She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
    "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."


    The year in review ~ from a Blonde

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    "duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter ! ! !

    March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
    box/said "2-4 years !"

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out ! ! !

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
    little packets ! ! !

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other
    swimmers cheated, they used their arms ! ! !

    August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped, because
    top was down.

    September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is
    "C".....isn't it ? ? ?

    October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour Per
    pound and I weigh 108 ! ! !

    December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
    on the phone ! ! !

    WHEW... WHAT A YEAR !!!!!



    The Accident

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
    Morning; it's a bad one Both of their cars are totally demolished but
    Amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So .... You're a
    Man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
    There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
    That we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
    Rest of our days".

    Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
    Must be a sign from God!"

    The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
    Is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
    God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then
    She hands the bottle to the man.

    The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
    And then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
    Immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think
    I'll just wait for the police...."

    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    Women are evil.
    Don't mess with them.
  6. spideymj Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 4, 2005
    star 3
    Missouri drivers

    A Missouri State Trooper pulled a car over on I-55 about 2 miles
    north of the MO/AR State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why
    he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a
    juggler and he was on his way to Sikeston to do a show that night
    for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told
    the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do
    a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The
    driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
    ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that
    he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he
    could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper
    got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the
    man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol
    car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then
    went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
    Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
    opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
    The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause
    there's no way I can pass that test."
  7. JediUruviel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 22, 2004
    star 4
    Would you just SHUT IT!! That was LOW!
  8. chiss_man Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 1, 2002
    star 6
    Like I said in the OTT last night, some things DO never change, eh Katy? [face_plain]
  9. JediUruviel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 22, 2004
    star 4
    no kidding!

    OKAY!!! I DO NOT WANT ANY HUMOR IN HERE THAT DIRECTLY INSULTS A PARTICULAR MEMBER OF THE BOARDS!!! If I find any cracks like this again, I'll tell an administrator!
  10. Jedi_Commander_Faofa Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2003
    star 4
    We know.

    Most of the "jokes" in here are "low" anyways.
  11. yodaismygod Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 4
    I don't want any jokes that insult roughly 50% of the species. Particularly my half.
  12. chiss_man Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 1, 2002
    star 6
    There's a big difference between jokes which are meant in good fun about men and or women, such as what has been posted in here before, and malicious attacks on a fellow poster just for you to get giggles. Learn that.
  13. Jedi_Commander_Faofa Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2003
    star 4
    Heck, I don't even like the "jokes" against the women.

    Here's a comic I thought appropriate for this...

    [image=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ScottsPics/babyblues.jpg]

    Sad.

    "Good fun" is a point of view, btw... A few people have proven that here.
  14. spideymj Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 4, 2005
    star 3
    ""Good fun" is a point of view, btw... A few people have proven that here."

    Seems "good fun" and posts that are done in "good taste" is a matter of ones point of view.

    BTW-Mods already new about that post..that day.
  15. Notclown-Joker Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2005
    star 1
    HA. . . Oh wait, why am I laughing. These aren't funny. Please let the world laugh again. Stupid serious stuff.
    [face_clown] [face_chicken] :-B
    These funny faces might help.
  16. shcook1138 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2003
    star 2
    [face_laugh]
  17. DarthShoey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 4
    AHHHHHHHHHHHH - I love the smell of drama in the morning!


    But seriouly, a duck walks into a bar & orders two beers - and says "bartender, put this on my bill"


    *rimshot*


    Thanks - I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
  18. Jedi_Commander_Faofa Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2003
    star 4
  19. DarthShoey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 4
    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

    Hugely embarrassed by now, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and was still unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
  20. spideymj Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 4, 2005
    star 3
    [face_laugh] now that was funny!!

    I actually saw a girl on a recent plane trip do that---yell at a nice guy...not unzip ....whatever. She was about to open the over head bin. This guy tapped her and said.."be careful everything is jamed in there and you will get a suitcase on your head if you open that one." She turned around and yelled at him for "hitting" her. :rolleyes: Sometimes it doesn't pay to be a nice guy.
  21. Jedi_Dajuan Admin: FanForce and Games

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 2002
    star 6
  22. DarthShoey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 4
    A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.

    HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER
    FROM, SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES, "I
    THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

    NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS
    WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR
    PARTY THAT I HAD SEX ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE
    YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN PUT A DIAPER ON ME?"







    SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER".
  23. Notclown-Joker Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2005
    star 1
  24. JediUruviel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 22, 2004
    star 4
    well... so much for sleeping tonight... ^^;
  25. spideymj Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 4, 2005
    star 3
    ::::This one is from my dad:::

    The Guys' Rules

    We always hear"the rules"from the female point of
    view...
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!

    1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
    If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
    hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    5. Crying is blackmail.
    6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
    not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
    it!
    7. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
    8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
    what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
    fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
    to act like soap opera guys.
    12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
    makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    14. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
    done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
    for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
    no idea what mauve is.
    18. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
    19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
    nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
    hassle.
    20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
    you don't want to hear.
    21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
    fine...Really.
    22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
    discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
    23. You have enough clothes.
    24. You have too many shoes.
    25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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