Discussion in 'Big Brother Strikes Back' started by Leonard_Shelby, May 19, 2003.
Hell yeah...this one should be interesting...
This is actually a rather good task, as I went to see X-Men II with my brother in law at the weekend, and we had the usual conversation about if we were a superhero, what power we'd have and that sort of thing, so it's good that this one came up!
One day, I Harvey McFarson (there, in the tie! I'm such a looker)
was in a 5- car pile-up that could have easily been prevented if only a small fly hadn't flown into the car of an elderly gentleman at the front of the pile up, causing him to be stunned and swerve insanely. This made me very angry, and it got me to thinking: Aren't insects annoying? I had also just had my apartment fumagated because of an unfortunate roach infestation. And what purpose did these little demons serve, anyway?
And then, I knew what my purpose in life was. No, it was not to continue my job at the bowling alley, but rather it was to EXTERMINATE ALL OF BUG-KIND! Now I was not willing to settle for the mediocre life of an exterminator. Because afterall, they only eradicate indoor pests, and what about those aquatic insects? Who's going to kill them, huh? I knew I needed to become someone who could go on land or by water to kill all the bugs on earth. I also knew that it would be boring to model myself after something as quaintly amphibious as a frog... and so, I became:
Be not decieved, my friends. For this is not merely a picture of a mudpuppy (O blessed creature!) but it is in fact, me. You see, I had a special procedure in which my concience was swtiched with that of a mudpuppy. The poor creature was confused in my body, and quickly was mowed down by oncoming traffic. C'est la vie.
My First Adventure
Now, eager to take on the world of insects, I started out one afternoon on my mission. In the first night, I was able to catch and eat 5 bugs! I was on a roll! I was feeling good about myself. I had such grand plans for the future. First, I'd kill all the flies and waterspiders here (with the help of some muddpuppy and frog sidekicks I was sure I could get the support of, if I ever figured out how to communicate with them...). After that, I was hittin' land, baby!
I immediately set my eyes on the next bug I saw. Well, admitedly, it wasn't a bug, but a worm. However, in my planning I had failed to consider the poor eyesight of Mudpuppies. Which is why I also didn't notice that this worm was attached to a line... Well, you can guess what happened. Just as I clamped my jaws around the wriggling fiend, I was hooked and reeled in! The blurry fisherman just stared at me stupidly. I tried to talk to him and tell him that I was a man inside a Mudpuppy's body, with a mission to destroy all the bugs in the world, but I realized I no logner had vocal chords. Now I was scared. I was afraid I would be mistaken for something poisonous and promptly killed. I feared the worst.
Little did I know, death would have been a welcome alternative. It so happened that the fisherman had with him his loud, stupid, dry-skinned boy. He decided it would be a good idea to keep me (whatever I was) as a pet. This infidel! Didn't he realize my plans? Didn't you understand the effect my capture would have on the human race?! Apparently, he didn't. So my first mission was my last, and now I'm stuck in this tubberware thing in some town in Iowa.
I'll laugh when that kid dies of a spider bite.
By day, he's a mild mannered Post Office worker on the verge of a killing spree. By night, he is the scourage of evil-doers every where...Bubble Wrap Man!
Bubble Wrap Man,
Where are you comin' from
Bubble Wrap Man,
Nobody knows who you are!
One dreary day, while packaging a VCR into a plain brown box, our hero Scott Skittleman, came to the realization that if he were to coat himself with the awsome power of bubble wrap, he would be nigh invulnerable, much like the electronic equipment he was currently packing.
Going home that night he thought of all the great things he could do as an invulnerable super hero. 10 years earlier, his family had been the victims of a robbery that had claimed all their lives. It had been an early Sunday morning, and Scott had gotten up to make some pop tarts in the toaster. He then realized that he would also like some eggs, so he drove to the store. When he had returned, someone had stolen his house, and tried to burn the evidence. His family, his priceless bowling trophies, everything...they were all gone.
Scott realized that finally after 10 years of mourning and packing parcels, it was time to take action. With his suit of bubble wrap, he would track down the people who kidnapped his family. He would track them down, without the benefit of a UPC scan, and pack them up where they truely belonged: behind bars.
That night, Bubble Wrap Man was born!
He prowled the mean streets that night, looking for a clue, when he came upon Jimmy, the shoeshine boy. "Can I give your....wrap a shine, mista?" Jimmy spoke.
"I'm actually looking for a lead, " Scott replied.
"Are you wearing underwear?" Jimmy voiced.
"Look, I'm looking for my family, they were kidnapped 10 years ago. I'm thinking the guys that took them look like Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern and they go by the name, 'The Smoking Bandits.'"
Jimmy realized he was dealing with a nutcase. "Uh, yeah, they're in that dark alley the screaming is coming from. And please, put on some pants!"
Bubble Wrap Man cooley nodded his thanks to Jimmy, and wandered into the dark alley. He was then hit in the head with a baseball bat. The bubble wrap absorbed most of the blow, and our hero turned to face his attackers, making kung-fu-like sounds as he did.
One of the attackers suddenly had a feeling of queasiness, and realizing he was feeling the symptoms of diarrhea coming on, pulled out a gun and shot Bubble Wrap Man. He died.
Name - Alfonso "Rubber Man"
Trademark - bright pink spandex bodysuit, flying through windows.
Sidekick - Naked Runner Girl
Mission - spread the joy of duct tape, the color pink, and to bring about the revival of spandex-wearing in everyday life.
Alfonso's dream was to become a male ballet dancer.
He worked tirelessly to achieve his his goal, but one day while practicing with his dance partner, Varla, he was snapped in the face by a wayward giant rubberband and knocked out.
When he awoke, his dreams were shattered - aw was the glass from the window through which the rubber band had flown that fateful day; his limbs had strangely become rubbery and snapped Varla at practice the next day. He knew that he was simply too flexible and elasticy to continue his career.
Varla, not willing to leave him, took up marathon running with Alfonso (now known as Rubber Man) as a day job.
By night, she was known as Naked Runner Girl as a result of her flesh colored body suit that was her trademark. Rubber Man donned a vibrant pink spandex bodysuit as his trademark as he flew through windows, like the giant rubber band, to spread awareness of the joys of spandex (everday wearing) and to promote duct tape.
A regular adventure consists of him running, in spandex body suits, with Naked Runner Girl and attacking random pedestrians with duct tape. He is also known to give out free spandex bodysuits and rolls of duct tape.
Real Name: Wafflas A. Batterson
Also known as: "The One"
Height: 4 inches
Weight: 3 ounces
Powers: Posseses many powers when inside "The Toaster". Powers ranging from superhuman strength, the ability to fly, many martial arts abilities, the ability to shoot butter from his body, he can shape-shift to look like other pastries, waffles, etc.....
Motivation as a hero: To have his question of "What is the Toaster?" answered, and to save the freezer Frigidon from the vile clutches of "The Toaster"...
Wafflas A. Batterson woke-up violently. His alarm clock was blaring. The crisp, cold air of the freezer was bitter and painful. He had grown accustom to it, of course. The many moons in which he had resided here seemed as if they had taken on a life of their own. A life of sadness...regret...and wonder. Questions. Many many questions also resonated within his mind....
It had seemed just like yesterday that the most mind-boggling question that he had ever had was answered. An answer that he had a tough time coming to grips with.... "What is The Toaster?" Wafflas had been pondering that question everyday for as long as he had known. Then one day, a beautiful young english muffin by the name of Muffiny met him at the corner of the freezer....
Muffiny: (sexily/inquisitive) So, they say you're the best...Eggo...
Wafflas: (surprised) How do you know my name? ?
Muffiny gives Wafflas a knowing look...
Muffiny: (serious) So do you have a question for me?
Eggo: (confused) What?
Muffiny gives him another serious look...
Muffiny: (serious) The question that you've had within your head for some time now...
She walks-up to Eggo slowly and sexily. She gets up close to him and he looks hesitantly into her eyes...
Eggo: (exactly) What is "The Toaster"?
Muffiny walks slowly around Eggo and addresses him...
Muffiny: (serious/sexily) Follow me and I'll show you...
It had seemed just like yesterday....when that conversation took place....it was so fresh in his mind...buried so deep within his very psyche...it was so unreal. He'll never forget that first encounter...that first encounter that would change his waffle life forever...that would shape his future...that would shape who he would become... He would never forget his first encounter with the man known as "Vealeus"....
Muffiny and Eggo walked to the back of the freezer. To the dark and dank section. Where many foods went to get freezer burn and die...lonely and forgotten. They walked through a corridor to a room....a very secluded room. And there sat before the two of them...Vealeus...
Vealeus: (serious) Welcome, Eggo...
Eggo gives Vealeus a puzzled look...
Vealeus: (serious) I believe that you have a question for me...
Eggo didn't even think twice...
Eggo: (definitively) What is "The Toaster"?
A smile spread across Vealeus' face...
Vealeus: (serious) If I were to tell you, would you believe me? If I show you, would you trust me? And if I were to do all of this...would you accept it?
Once again, Eggo doesn't even hesitate to think it over...
Eggo: (seriously) Yes.
Yet another smile spreads across Vealeus' face...
Vealeus: (serious) Fine. //motions to the box of butter...// Please...sit...
Slower than a bullet lodged in a cement wall!
More unmotivated than rednecks collecting welfare!
Able to change the channels on the remote with one finger!
Once a highly productive member of society who worked at the local 7-11 mini-mart, LazyMan, aka Larry, became disenchanted with the daily grind and vowed to promote laziness and lethargy across the world.
Armed with the superpowers of enhanced hearing, extreme and focused flatulence, as well as the superior ability to tell Schlitz from Colt 45 while blindfolded, LazyMan fights energetic and useful individuals everywhere!
Let?s tune in for another exciting?um?listless adventure of our hero?
Back at the Sloth Cave?
?Scooter, my trusty sidekick and faithful dog, my enhanced hearing has picked up the sound of a doorbell.?
LazyMan pauses for a moment to listen. He then falls asleep.
//doorbell rings again
?What? Oh, doorbell.?
LazyMan uses his powerful girth to leverage himself off the couch. Stopping briefly to take a long drink from his bottle of Colt 45, he waddles over to the door and opens it slowly.
?What?! Don?t you know I?m trying to break the world record for laying on my couch??
The young Girl Scout stood in awe of LazyMan?s immense presence. ?I?um?would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies??
?Hey, I just finished my last shipment yesterday. Put me down for a case of Thin Mints, a case of Samoas and a case of those Shortbread ones.?
The little girl was amazed. This man would be her savior. His sheer gluttony and laziness would enable her to be the number one seller in her troop.
?Sir?thank you, sir. You don?t know what this means to me?I??
The door slammed in her face before she could finish. ?Yeah, whatever. I?m exhausted.? LazyMan managed to return to his place on the couch before he collapsed.
Before he knew it, his roommate, Chuck, appeared in the room. ?Dude! Get off the couch already! I?m having friends over!?
LazyMan knew what had to be done the minute his archenemy stepped within range. With split second timing and a rumble that would have made the strongest man cower, his innards released the noxious gas which no man could survive.
?You?ve been warned before, man. Don?t mess with me when I?m watching Transformers reruns.?
Before he knew what had happened, Chuck was overwhelmed by the Odor of No Return. He fled from the room screaming in terror.
As he lay on his couch contemplating whether Optimus Prime could take Duke Thyron in a fight to the death, he sighed with satisfaction knowing that he had managed to fight the evil foes of production and usefulness for yet another few hours.
Just a day in the amazing life of?.Lazy Man!
Look! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's....Disinfectant Man!!!
Yes, that's right.
[image=http://www.keysan.com/pictures/crac8619.jpg] + [image=http://sundance.hispeed.com/naa/magazines/xpose/xpose48b.jpg] = Disinfectant Man!
You see, one day when Bob was working as a coffee pourer at the local coffee house, he came down with an awful cold. *cough cough, sneeze sneeze* He was sent home from work dur to his illness.
As Bob was lying in bed, he wondered what could have made him so sick. Then it dawned on him!
It must have been touching the handles of all of the coffee pots at work. After all, it was mid winter, and these kinds of colds were going around. Disgusted at the fact that he couldn't work, Bob vowed to never let this happen to anyone ever again! Never again would anyone have to call in sick from work! He would make the world a more prodeuctive place! Yes, that was his plan.
In a few days time, Bob was back to his old self. Sort of. He hopped out of bed one morning and drove as fast as his little scooter would take him. When he arrived at the local Bulk City, he ran in with urgency. There, he cleaned out the entire cleaning supply aisle. 1 hour and $1,000 worth of Lysol later, Bob was set to go! He even got a nifty belt to hang cans of Lysol on! He was stylin'.
He decided then to take a walk. He passed by a young person who was taking a sip from a water fountain. The kid left, so Bob came up and sprayed the bubbler. Ah ha! Now it was safe again! Germ free! He continued along his merry way when he saw a dilemma. One person on one side of the street was about to touch a dirty door knob while another person on the other side of the street was about to pick up a dirty pay phone! WHAT TO DO!!! Bob couldn't save them both! He looked left, then right, then left again (as he was about to cross the street. Safety first, you know). He darted across the road and sprayed the knob with Rainforest sceneted Lysol. But...he missed. He sprayed a little old lady right in the face!
"How dare you!", she yelled as she slapped Bob with her oversized handbag. She watched as he crumbled to the ground, and proceeded on her way into the store.
Bob sighed and layed on the ground for a few moments. "Whew!", he thought to himself. "Ridding the world of germs is going to be harder than I thought!"
Just another day in the life of Disinfectant Man!
There will come a time when evil villains will walk the streets, forcing the innocent population to remain behind closed doors. Chaos will reign, cats will chase dogs, mice will chase cats, and whatever that's smaller than mice will case them. Elephants will just chase each other, if you're wondering. Films such as Jaws IV: The Revenge will be shown on a continuous loop at the cinema, and young film students will be made to write long essays on the Star Wars Holiday Special (both micro and macro!). At this time of great evil, a hero will rise. A hero who will defeat this evil, and bring freedom back to the noble citizens of the small seaside town of Bournemouth. A hero called......
If somebody told you I was just your normal average kid, you ought to sue them for libel. Or is it slander? Anyway, I am Twigetto. Yes, it doesn't sound too impressive, but neither does Superman, and look at him! Of course, he got lucky. I could have been the protector of Metropolis, and I'd do it just as well as he could, and I wouldn't go around using my X-ray version to find out the colour of ladies' underwear, either! And I could protect Gotham City, too, much better than that stupid Batman person. He's not even a real superhero! He's just some twerp in a silly rubber costume. And don't get me started on Spider-Man ! Anyway, I digress. I am Twigetto, the proud superhero of Bournemouth. Whenever there's an old lady complaining loudly about the price of bus tickets, I am there, consoling them! and etc...
I first discovered my amazing power when I was about ten years old. Some bullies from school were chasing me through a forest , when out of nowhere, a tree smashed into me! After recovering, I realised I could control wood. Stop sniggering! It's better than what you can do, you stupid mortal ! See, I can insult you because you're not a citizen of Bournemouth, so nuuuh!
Anyway, from that moment on, I decided to become the superhero of Bournemouth, and defeat evil! Of course, there is one drawback in that I need to have my enemies go into a nice big forest before I can defeat them, but at least I'm trying!
So, the next time you're wondering the streets of Bournemouth, and some strange person comes up to you and asks you about cows, never fear, as I shall be there! Except on Sundays. That's my day off.
I'd like to think that there is a little bit of Lazy-man in me. He probably lives in my lower small intestine.
I'd like to think there's a bit of LazyMan in every one of us, John.
Did anyone catch that I blatantly ripped off the ending to my little madcap story from Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because I did
I already called Spielberg.
Kate, don't listen to Spielberg. He won't give you any money for turning John in. He may give you a role in his new Jaws movie, though. You'll be Surfer Girl #1. You'll be the first casualty of the movie.
Hey, you gotta get your SAG card somehow.
Hey, whatever floats your boat.
I'm still holding out for the role of Dead Jedi lying on the floor in scene 37 for Episode 3.
Yeah, but if you're already dead rather than being killed during the film, they don't give you your SAG card.
They don't? That's not what they told me!
Awwww, I wish I could have done this. I already have quite a few superheros that I've created through the years, like the NINJA CATS and SVEN THE DERANGED CUSTODIAN. You poor people, missing out on that. I could have even shown pictures.
Poorly drawn pictures. . .