Relics of Fate script ready to review.

I've tried this post before, but it became a legal debate, and I didn't get the feedback I was looking for.

I finished my script for my film, and anyone who wants to may read and review it. However, as I want to keep this post Spoiler Free for my film, anyone who wants to wait until it's filmed, I don't mind if you tell me.

Here is the link: http://www.geocities.com/forcelegacyfans

I am looking for a Storyboard artist, so anyone interested, here is the finished copy.

 

Has anybody read it?

 

Sorry Wyndryder... Finally got around to begin reading it.

Here's what I've thought as I went through so far...

First, Why wouldn't the Admiral go the Emperors ship, instead of vice versa (it's minor, just a thought though).

Emperor Calmir seems a little to casual, but it isnt bad. Add's an interesting and unexpected view on the character versus his status as Emperor.

These two lines (one after the other in the script), you may want to consider this...

LIEUTENANT
Sentry Tower 43 has spotted an unscheduled shuttle landing in the De'Van forest.
(change unsheduled to unidentified... unscheduled is... odd ~ makes sense though, so change isnt necessary)

WE'SEL
I want twelve squads sent down immediately-
(I know it's necessary for the Emperors next line, but for an admiral, this is a very basic sentence... consider something more commanding and organized.)

Palteth's line... We were sent to retrieve it by the Jedi. It is not safe here. If we do not, the Codex will fall into the hands of evil men. To this end, the we must keep it from them. - feels like it would be more "jedi"ish if he said "We fear Emperor Calmir may be nearby with intentions of taking it. We were sent here by the council to retrieve it." or something like that...

Woah ~ just realized this... why is Wyndryder an elderly Jedi Knight, when Palteth is a young Jedi Master. Knight is lower than master, but age would make Wyndryder the master, wouldnt it? Unless you intended it like this, its a little confusing. Some of Dais's lines seem a little amatuer for him being the elder.

I've read up to ISIS's intro so far... and I must say i do enjoy it. I'll keep reading this evening and write some more.

Good job.

~DK~

 

The Palteth / Dais relationship will be explained later in the script. In fact, most ALL your questions will be explained later in the script. It part of what keeps the audience watching.

 

Thank you, Dezion-Karr, for taking the time to read it. In script format, it should only take about 3 hours to read it. So those of you who are a little intimidated by the size of it, it really is quick reading.

 

I'm about halfway through it, very good so far. I'll post again.

 

Thank you, too, BarryOTP.

 

Wyndryder,

I'm in the process of reading through your script right now, and I had one question. Are you simply looking for straight out reviews, or would you be open to possible suggestions? I ask, because it's hard not to notice the portion worded "Seventh (and FINAL) Draft."

I'm graduating this semester with degrees in English and Film, so you'd have to take anything I say with a grain of salt. Education does not always denote understanding. *lol*

Just let me know what you're looking for, and I'll tailor my comments to that.

 

I'm looking for misspelled words, typos, bad grammer, or any advise that would help me shorten it without hurting the story. (if you feel your advise may have spoilers, PM me)

 

Did you get the PM?

 

Yes, I did get your PM. Thank you.

 

Has anyone FINISHED reading it yet? (Sorry, I know it's long, I'll cut it down soon, I promise)

 

This is me trying to keep this post on the front page...

 

Pretty good. Some fanfilm scripts are badly written but this is ok, the dialog seems to flow pretty well from what ive read.

 

Thank you. I've worked very hard on that.

 

Does anyone have any other opinions for me?

 

I still need more feedback.

 

...

 

Dude, calm down...its a long script and people have other things to do then read and critique your stuff.

Also, I think that the one message would be enough.

 

I'm sorry, but it keeps getting knocked off the front page by new topics.

 

A 2 hour fanfilm. With huge ambitions. And no proper ending! AAAAAAAH. If this ever gets made I doubt there will ever BE an ending.

 

Correction: a 3 hour fan film.

Properly formatted, the script caps off at 196 pages.

That's a LONG film. And the length depends too on how you film it. To give you an idea, "The Green Mile" was a three hour movie. The shooting script for GM, in the same format (I imported them into Final Draft on default setting) is 145 pages.

And they cut stuff out of the final film.

I haven't read the script yet. I will, I'm intrigued. But I think you should expect to cut it down substantially. Or split it into two films. I've got a 90 page script and people call me crazy.

But I look forward to reading it, and will begin NOW wishing you luck at making it a reality.

M. Scott

 

What do you mean, no proper ending?

I've been doing cuts, lots of them. Now the script is down to 167 pages. I've also devided up the longer scenes into shorter scenes, and it has gone from 120 scenes to 135 scenes. I'm aiming to cut it down to 150 pages.

And it WILL be made.

And I've got plans for Episodes II and III.

 

...

 

This is me, resurfacing the topic...