Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Ree Yees, Dec 2, 2002.

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  1. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    Keep 'em coming, boys :D

  2. Lurking_Around Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    "Luke. You must go to the Dagobah system. There you will be trained by Yoda, the Jedi Master who taught me to use a lightsaber when I was four years old. My real master was of course Qui-Gon Jinn, who was trained by Count Dooku, a nasty old villain who cohorted with the Emperor back in the day. And really, it's not Ben, it's Obi-Wan. Oh, those were the days. I actually fought Dooku once, you know, together with your dad. That was before lightsabers sliced arms off. And master Yoda fought him too, you should have seen..."

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Yoda: He is reckless!

    Obi Wan: So was I, if you remembered. But then inexpicably I became a conservative goody two shoes when I was under Qui Gon. Then equally baffling, I became rebellious again and defied you. And then I became conservative again when I trained Anakin. Then...

    Yoda: Shut up, you will!
  3. Delance Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3
    Hehehe... Much better.
  4. Delance Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3
    Vader: "If you only knew the power of the dark side"

    Luke: "If you *you* only knew how to deflect lightning..."

    Vader: "oh, shut up"
  5. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
  6. k-man Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    May 14, 2002
    star 3
    JABBA: Bo Shuda.

    THREEPIO: The message artoo, the message!

    LUKE (In message): Greetings exhalted one. I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi knight...

    JABBA (translated): Skywalker...Skywalker...hey Bib -- think he's related to that little human kid who won the Boonta Eve classic back in the day? You know, the only human who could do it.
  7. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    "There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millenium Falcon. You can use any methods necessary but I want them alive. No disintegrations."

    "But you just said ANY method."

    "No disintegrations! I remember what you did on Kamino, when you tried to blast my old master with your dad's starship."

    "You do?"

  8. Darth-Stryphe Former Mod and City Rep

    Member Since:
    Apr 24, 2001
    star 6
    Vader: "Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father."

    Luke: "He told me enough, he told me you killed him!"

    Vader: "And he never told you about Threepio, did he?"

    Luke: "What? What the &$#@ does that have to do with anything, you b*****d!"

    //GL looks over at Kasdan.

    GL: "Did Luke just say '****'? I don't remember approving that in the re-write."

    Kasdan: "It's the 21st Century, George, time to get with the times."

    (scene continues)

    Vader: "Threepio is your brother!"

    Luke: "No, that's not true, that's impossible!"

    Vader: "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

    Luke: "Nooooooo!"

    //Kasdan looks over at George.

    Kasdan: "You know, I really think we should have left this scene alone. Honestly, it doesn't make any sense."

    GL: "But it's important to know that Threepio and Luke are related. It's the whole reason I had Anakin creating Threepio in TPM. You see, it all ties into that scene where Luke was on Naboo and Threepio and he --

    Kasdan: "George, Luke's never been to Naboo."

    GL: "Yes he has, in ESB right before he meets Jar-Jar Binks."

    //Kasdan hands GL the shooting script for ESB.

    Kasdan: "Maybe you should read this."

    //GL thumbs through ESB.

    GL: "What's a 'Wampa'? Holy #@&^! Yoda trained Obi-wan Kenobi? I never approved that!"
  9. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5

    "It is clear to me now that the OT no
    longer functions", heheh.

  10. Lars_Muul Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 2, 2000
    star 6
    [face_laugh] This thread is great! And I´m actually more of a PT gusher than a basher. How ´bout that?

    - He was the best pod racer pilot in the galaxy!
  11. Darth_Sillyname Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 7, 2000
    star 4
    (includes 'worst case scenario' Ep3 speculation)
    If you take this seriously, you're going to hate me ;) So don't.

    It is a period of idealogical war. Spaceships from the Alliance of Rebelling Systems, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory in twenty years against the evil Galactic Empire, led by the Emperor Sith Lord Darth Sidious.
    During the battle (see the cartoon spin off), members of the Geonosian underground managed to steal secret plans to the ultimate weapon of the Confederacy of Independend Systems, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet, which had fallen in the hands of the Emperor who forced the Geonosians to construct it after they were defeated in the Clone War.
    Pursued by Darth Vader, Senator Leia Organa races home aboard her starship, to deliver the plans in the hands of Jimmy Smits and her foster mother, who in reality - but unkown to Leia - is her real mother in disguise, and restore freedom to their part of the galaxy.
    Neither Vader nor Leia knows, that they are father and daughter...

    VADER: There'll be no one to stop us this time, unlike twenty years ago, when they blew up the first Death Star!

    THREEPIO: What a desolate place this is. Somehow it looks familiar.

    THREEPIO: Wait, what's that? A JAWA transport! I'm saved!

    OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary languages of moisture vaporators.
    THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir - My second job was talking to moisture vaporators, on a farm much like this one. In fact, this place looks very familiar!
    OWEN: Threepio? Is that you? You look so shiny!
    THREEPIO: Master Owen! It is you! It is you!
    OWEN: All right; shut up! Don't tell Luke! You understand? He must not know that we know each other! (to Jawa) I'll take this one, but i refuse to pay for him. He was stolen from me 23 years ago!

    THREEPIO: Thank Anakin Skywalker, the maker!

    LUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock!
    THREEPIO: I don't think so, sir. I've seen teleporting twenty years ago and it sucked. Plus I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, it's pretty funny that I ended up on Tattooine again!
    LUKE: What do you mean?
    THREEPIO: Uhm, never mind.
    LUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.
    THREEPIO: Huh? This is Naboo? What happened?

    LUKE: Uh, you can call me Luke.
    THREEPIO: I see, Luke Skywalker.
    LUKE: How do you know my last name?
    THREEPIO: Uhm, lucky guess...

    LUKE: Have you been in many battles?
    THREEPIO: Several, I'm very sure. Actually, there's not much to tell after those cartoon spin-offs.

    AUNT BERU: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.
    OWEN: You refer to the prophecy of the Chosen One and his high midichlorian count?
    AUNT BERU: No, I mean he's always stalking girls.

    BEN: Well of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since oh, some time after you were born.
    LUKE: Then the droid does belong to you.
    BEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid, but he does look familiar. Very interesting...

    LUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.
    BEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should not have stolen that droid and taking off without saying goodbye.
    LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?
    BEN: War, not warS. Only one war, kiddo. Cartoon spin-offs don't count. And it was more like a droid war anyway. I was once a Jedi Knight, just as you father was once a Jedi apprentice. I used to be one of those too, before I instantly became a Master. Let's just use the term Knight, it's easier.
    LUKE: I wish I'd known him.
    BEN: He was the best podrace-pilot on one planet in one race, and a cunning warrior. I often congratulated my young Padawan on his good calls during battle
  12. Malthus Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 31, 1999
    star 4
    Sillyname! Fantastic!

    I shall add to this wonderful thread.

    YODA: Help you I can, yes, mmmm!
    LUKE: I don't think so. I'm looking for a great warrior.
    YODA: Great warrior? Whuhuhuh! Hear that I do! Wars definitely make one great! Yes, great warriors, all Jedi are!

    YODA: Father? Powerful Jedi was he. MMmmm! POWERful Jedi...
    LUKE: Oh come on. I heard he couldn't even take down Zam Wessel alone. Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here -- we're wasting our time!

    <stirring music plays to a moving scene where Yoda levitates Luke's X-Wing out of the swamps of Dagobah>
    LUKE: I... I don't believe it.
    YODA: Wait til you see me use a lightsaber.

    YODA: Sick have I become. Old and weak...
    LUKE: Master Yoda, have you not been taking your midichlorian shots again?

    YODA: When 900 years old YOU reach, look as good you will not! Hmmm?
    LUKE: But wait! I heard that when you were 870 years old, you inexplicably looked completely different...
    YODA: Erm, dying here am I!
    LUKE: ... and at 880 you jumped around swinging sabers at people like some sort of Jedi frog.
    YODA: ... ack!
    LUKE: ... I mean, I don't see the big difference between someone being 870 years old and 900 years old...
    YODA: There... is... anuh... ther... Skuh... EYE...... Wal... ker...

    OWEN: You! I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol!
    C-3PO: Why yes, Owen! Don't you remember me?
    OWEN: <sigh> Okay, fine, I guess I do. But I have no need for a protocol droid. Don't you remember? I kicked you out for your incessant prancing about before, and I'll do it again. I finally admitted to myself that what I really need is a droid that understands the primarily language of moisture vaporators. Just because you come crawling back with that new gold skin doesn't fool me one whit.
  13. Darth Geist Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 5
    " He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade. Something you father would have done if there had ever been some kind of idealistic crusade in those days."

    That's gold. :D
  14. Plo_Koen Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    Luke: "I'm looking for a great warrior."

    Yoda: "YOU BETCHA! I'm the baddest MF in the universe, I'm da man! I'm so bad, I should be detentioned! eastcoast rulez MF, word..."
  15. Delance Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3

    It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, sometimes it even impregnates us.

    Hahahaha... Very good, very good indeed. One of the best 3 lines on this thread so far.
  16. OutlawYoda Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2002
    star 4
    *Yoda/Luke Cave Scene)
    Luke: Whats in there?
    Yoda: Only what to confuse the hell out of you.
    Luke: (walks..)
    Yoda: Your blaster.. clumsy it is.. Use my lightsaber! (tosses his lightsaber to Luke)
    Luke: You gotta be kidding me? This things so tiny!
    Yoda: Not Judge by the size of it.. how you USE it is.
    Luke: Its.. like a tiny toothbrush.. or something!
    Yoda: Badmouthin my lightsaber no longer will you do! Go in the cave I will with you! Demonstrate how Great Warrior I am!
    (they BOTH enter the cave)
    (Suddenly dookus image walks over to yoda)
    (Yoda turns on his lightsaber and flips around all over the cave fighting with Dooku.. then finally cuts off his head)
    Luke: WOW!
    Yoda: (breaths hard) ..Wanted to do that to Count Dooku I've always had. A bad jedi master he was.. he helped erase a hidden planet called Kamino from the Jedi Archives..On this planet which I visited.. Were millions of clone troopers. But we had to use these clones.. to fight against the Seperatists..had droid armies they did. They thought the Republic sucked.. so they did what any logic rebel would do! Murder innocent people! (breaths deep again) Well we fought in the siths fake war... Clones VS Droids it was.. Big ass battle. Obiwan and your father went to fight Dooku.. but failed miserably they did.. So sensing the trouble I went in to fight Dooku myself! (breaths in) ....But lost I did.. knocked over a crane Dooku did almost killing your father and Obiwan... chose I did to help their sorry asses by lifting the crane up. BIG Mistake it was. Caused all of the war I did by letting Dooku go. The Siths fake war ended.. and took control of the Senate they did. But good part about it all? Coined the name of the war I did. "Begun this Clone War Has." (sighs) Don't know how it really makes sense.. I mean there wasn't two clone armies fighting against each other..
    Luke: (kicks the little muppet over) WHOA WHOA!! SLOW THE **** DOWN!!
    Yoda: ..OW!!! Want this lightsaber to cut through your neck?! (looks at luke in anger but then suddenly sees Darth Vader walking over to Luke) AHHH!!!!
    (Darth Vader walks over to Luke and fights with Luke, Luke slices off Vaders head)
    (suddenly it explodes revealing Jake Lloyds head)
    Anakin: YIPPEE!!!!!!
    Luke: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS IMPOSSIBLE!!! (stumbles to the ground crying)
    Yoda: Search your feelings you must.. You KNOW it to be true!
    Luke: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs out of the cave and jumps into the muddy water)

  17. Lurking_Around Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    Vader: I have been waiting for you, Obi Wan. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When we last met, I was just a whiny Canadian brat. Now, I have the macho voice of James Earl Jones!

    Ben: It's only the voice of the Lion King, Darth!

  18. OutlawYoda Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2002
    star 4
    Good one Lurking! :D
    "This is CNN."
  19. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    YODA: Help you I can, yes, mmmm!
    LUKE: I don't think so. I'm looking for a great warrior.
    YODA: Great warrior? Whuhuhuh! Hear that I do! Wars definitely make one great! Yes, great warriors, all Jedi are!

    Hehehe, good one there Malthus :)


    I can't do it Artoo. I can't go on alone.

    Yoda will always be with you.

    But he died just a few moments ago.

    I have been with you, too. Through the Force, we are with you Luke.

    Right. Lurking in my receiver while I blow up the Death Star and talking about training while I lie dying on a snowplanet hardly qualifies as "being there".


    Anyway. Ben, why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

    What I told you was true, until George changed his mind.

    Keep 'em comin'.
  20. Plo_Koen Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    You're going off-topic Ree Yees, and you know it, you fraud!

  21. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    No, no, it only *looks* like I'm going off-topic. You have to use other sources, like comic books, to find out how it's really meant to be interpreted :p

    (And BTW, Ben's last line was prequelly, wasn't it?)

    (No, maybe not)
  22. Malthus Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 31, 1999
    star 4
    VADER: I've been waiting for you Obi-Wan. We meet again at last.
    OBI-WAN: <squinting> Anakin, is that you? How did your skinny little high school frame fit into that big suit?
    VADER: I took midichlorian shots! Now, en garde!
  23. Mesa_Be_Back-Okeyday Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2002
    On the death Star 2:

    VADER: Luke! Take off my mask!
    LUKE: But you'll die!
    VADER: Nothing can stop that now.

    (Luke takes off Vader's mask revealing Jake Lloyd.)

    VADER: Are you an Angel?
    Luke: that's not real! It's IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!
  24. RamRed Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 16, 2002
    star 4
    Some of the people on this forum are amazing. And I don't mean that in a positive way. They are so blinded by their dislike of the Prequel Trilogy that they create a topic that continues to criticize it, even in a forum for the Original Trilogy.

    No one seems willing to accept the fact that both trilogies are one big saga. Personally, I cannot even watch a movie from one trilogy, without thinking of the other. It's all part of the same story to me.
  25. Lurking_Around Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    *Vader in TIE fighter chasing Luke's X-Wing in the trench*

    Vader: Hmmm...the Force is strong in this one. Perhaps I should not shoot him so that I can run a midichlorian test...

    Yes, it is this moment of hesitation that allowed Luke to destroy the Death Star!

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