Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Ree Yees, Dec 2, 2002.

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  1. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    Meanwhile, aboard the Death Star..

    The admirals and generals are bickering among themselves when GOVERNOR TARKIN and DARTH VADER enter.

    ADMIRAL MOTTI: "What if the Rebels, however unlikely, have obtained technical readouts of this battle station and..."

    TARKIN: "Don't worry. The Emperor has disbanded the Senate for good. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station."

    GENERAL WH'ATSHIS NAME: "What about the Trade Federation? How will they react?"

    MOTTI: "And the Techno-Union? I'm sure they're eager to test this thing."

    (I admit it, this wasn't funny in the least. I'm tired and overworked. But I still have the power to... UP.)
  2. Plo_Koen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    I'll pick up from there:

    Vader: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you did not construct, the power to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the superiour power of the dark side of the force..."

    Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways lord Vader, your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjur up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebel's hidden fortrrrgghhhh...

    Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him.

    Vader: Why?

    Tarkin: What!?

    Vader: Why else do you think I'm choking him if not to kill him? warning is a job for local padawans, not Sith masters... it's underachievement Moff, death is implied in the force choke.

    Motti: rghhh...

    Vader: I find your lack of air amusing.



    (PS Ree Yees, your "Motti" is actually "Tagge" :cool:)
  3. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    I find your lack of air amusing.
    [face_laugh]

    Plo_Koen, I realized I was wrong with the character names...too late.

    ********************************************

    HAN:
    "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no good match for a blaster at your side, kid."

    BEN:
    "It's not a religion, actually. It's all about tiny germs in your blood. Ask anyone in the galaxy over sixty years old, there's about 304329439483 megagoogols of oldtimers in this sector alone, they all witnessed the Jedi in their heyday."

    HAN:
    "Right.."
  4. Plo_Koen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    Ben: That's no moon... it's the Death Star!

    Han: The what?!

    Ben: It's a long story...


    on a sidenote: this thread reminds me how good some of the dialogue in the OT is, why can't we have that in the PT? :(
  5. Malthus Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 31, 1999
    star 4
    Quite right, Plo Koen, quite right. Our sad devotion to this has-been saga is apparently strong indeed. The Lord of the Rings is in charge now...


    No one seems willing to accept the fact that both trilogies are one big saga. Personally, I cannot even watch a movie from one trilogy, without thinking of the other. It's all part of the same story to me.

    Well, I guess all I have to say to that is that I find people like YOU amazing, Ramhead or whatever your name is. We feel that it's not one big smoothly transitioning saga. It's a difference in opinion, thus let us be and let's not fight okay?
  6. Darth-Stryphe Former Mod and City Rep

    Member Since:
    Apr 24, 2001
    star 6
    Plo_Koen, that was great: ANH UE, scripted by Jonathan Hale.
  7. Delance Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3
    Palpatine: "Only togheter can we turn him to the dark side of the force'

    Vader: "That's curious, sicne there can only be two Siths at a time"

    Palpatine: "Humm.. What you are saying, old friend"

    Vader: "You plus me equals two. Isn't that the full capacity of the Sith order, according to the 'rule of two'?"

    Palpatine: "Hum, sure, but let's talk about this after we're done with Skywalker"

    Vader: "Yes, my master"
  8. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    That's curious, sicne there can only be two Siths at a time

    [face_laugh]

    I guess Patrick_Russel would like that one.

  9. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    Some of the people on this forum are amazing. And I don't mean that in a positive way. They are so blinded by their dislike of the Prequel Trilogy that they create a topic that continues to criticize it, even in a forum for the Original Trilogy.

    Some of the people on this forum are amazing. And I don't mean that in a positive way. They are so blinded by their dislike of anyone not sharing their opinions blindly that they post criticisms in a topic which they clearly should stay out of.
  10. Plo_Koen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    Here's an oldie of mine, I posted once in the "is Boba Fett dead?" thread: (ok, I'll retract that statement about going off-topic)

    It is a period of civil war. Canon spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil galactic EUmpire.

    During the battle, canon spies managed to steal secret plans to the EUmpire's ultimate weapon: the resurrection of BOBA FETT, an armored bountyhunter with enough firepower to destroy an entire movie.

    When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of canonists, struggling to restore correctness to the Star Wars galaxy....
  11. Darth_Sillyname Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 7, 2000
    star 4
    Ok, next Episode. I'm wasting too much time with this, but it's fun. Plus I read through the screenplays from the original trilogy for this, which is always nice.
    This is a bit too long. Sorry!

    STAR WARS, EPISODE 5.3.0.1beta: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK EVEN HARDER
    (and to those that don't get it: No, things aren't really that bad, and aren't going to be that bad. DON'T take this too seriously!!)

    BEN: Luke...Luke.
    LUKE: (weakly) Ben?
    BEN: You will go to the Naboo system.
    LUKE: Naboo system?
    BEN: There you will find the planet Dagobah, once known as Naboo, before it was transformed twenty years ago, by Count Dooku's Transformation Ray. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed Dooku, who instructed Qui-gon, who instructed me.

    VADER: General, alert your troops to prepare for a surface attack.
    VEERS: My lord, is that...legal?
    VADER: I will make it legal.

    As Luke moves along the nose, Artoo loses his balance and disappears with a splash into the boggy lake.
    LUKE: Artoo?
    Luke kneels and leans over the plane looking for Artoo, but the water is still and reveals no sign of the little droid.
    LUKE: Artoo! Where are you?
    Suddenly, Artoo flies out of the water using his rockets!! He safely lands on the shore.

    HAN: You could be a little nicer, though. Come on, admit it. Sometimes you think I'm all right.
    LEIA: Occasionally...if only you acted a little creepier, like a stalker, and quoted bad poems.
    HAN: Creepier? Why would you want that?
    LEIA: I can't explain it, I think it runs in the family.
    HAN: Leia, from the moment I met you, i've been totally confused. I can't think straight and I feel funny. I wish I could just wish these wishes away, but I can't make that wish come true.
    LEIA: I always wanted to start a family, with kids and stuff, but I've been to busy with politics and shooting Imperials. I wish I could take you to meet my parents, but they were blown up. Now let me change into something sexier, then I'll turn you down. Because I'm a princess and you're a nobody. If you follow your thoughts through to conclusion you will see that this is taking us to a place we cannot go!
    HAN: That's because the hyperdrive isn't working, darling.

    VADER: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him. Of course, we know Yoda is still out there somewhere!
    EMPEROR: The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.
    VADER: Why not? We killed thousands of Jedi, and a lot of them had had a lifetime of training. Sending some droids after him would do the trick. Of course, if he could be turned, he would become a powerful ally.
    EMPEROR: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Of course, you would have to die, because the Rule Of Two demands that there can only be two Sith. Can it be done?
    VADER: He will join us or die, my master. And if he joins us, I will gladly give my life so you can have a brand new apprentice and the Rule Of Two is not broken.

    BEN'S VOICE: He will learn patience.
    YODA: Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.
    BEN'S VOICE: Was I any different when you taught me?
    YODA: Taught you? Remember that I do not. And different you were, yes!
    LUKE: Yoda! I am ready. I...Ben! I can be a Jedi. Ben, tell him I'm ready.
    YODA: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained little Jedi younglings. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained, now that the rest of the Counsil is dead! A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind, except when he's fighting with a lightsaber. Jump and twirl around, he should then.

    YODA: You are reckless!
    BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.
    YODA: No I don't! He is too old. Yes, twenty plus years too old to begin the training. What were you thinking Obi-Wan? Should have brought him here right after he was born!!

    LUKE: I won't fail you - I'm not afraid.
    YODA: Good, a first step that is. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering.

    LUKE: Is the dark side stronger?
    YODA: Yes. Lucas says so on the DVD.

    YODA: Your weapon
  12. Lurking_Around Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    VADER: Alert my shuttle to prepare for my arrival.
    OFFICER: huh?
    VADER: (sighs) Bring my shuttle...
    OFFICER: With pleasure, my lord!
    Vader walks to his shuttle.
    VADER: Alert my stardestroyer to prepare for my arrival.
    Vader flies to his stardestroyer in his shuttle.
    VADER: Alert the stardestroyer's hangar to prepare for my arrival.
    Vader lands in the hangar and exits the shuttle, then inspects the troops that have lined up for him to celebrate his return, after they had been alerted to prepare for his arrival.
    After the ceremony, Vader adresses an officer.
    VADER: Alert the turbolift to prepare for my arrival.
    Vader enters the alerted turbolift. Vader rides the turbolift.
    VADER: Alert the bridge to prepare for my arrival.
    Vader exits the elevator and walks onto the alerted bridge. He spots admiral Piett at the other side of the bridge. He turns to an officer.
    VADER: Alert admiral Piett to prepare for my arrival.
    The officer runs to the admiral and alerts Piett to prepare for Vader's arrival. Vader approaches the alerted admiral.
    PIETT: I've alerted our tractor beam crew to prepare for the Millenium Falcon's arrival, my lord.
    VADER: Did your men cause the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon to leak?
    PIETT: Yes, my lord.
    VADER: Good. Alert the boarding party to prepare for the arrival of the Millenium Falcon.


    Good Lord, it's 3 am here and I'm LMAO!!!!

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  13. Jedi_Stalker Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 14, 2002
    star 1
    Ok after watching how the clonetroopers mopped the droid army at Geonosis, it is EXTREMELY hard to imagine that the stormtroopers had their asses handed to them by a bunch of f***in teddy bears! Make it wookies or something
  14. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    Darth_Sillyname, I can only say thank you

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  15. Delance Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3
    Yoda has wings!!!

    Dude, say no to Drugs. Like the deathstick guy on AotC.
  16. Lurking_Around Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    Emperor: We have a new enemy...Luke Skywalker.

    Vader: He is but a boy. Obi Wan hasn't even done a middichlorian test, we don't know how good he is.

    Emperor: Vader, midichlorian levels are passed from one generation to another. Therefore, it's safe to hypothesize that the odds of young Skywalker having a high midichlorian level would be...

    Vader: Umm...is this Star Wars or Star Trek?

    Emperor: I dunno, ask GL. Anyway, he must not be allowed to be a Jedi, though he is already too old to be youngling...

    Vader: If he could be turned, he would make a powerful ally...

    Emperor: Yes...though since we have this rule of two, you would gladly scarifice yourself so that I'll have a new apprentice, right?

    Vader: He will join us, or die...what??? Me scarifice? What about you, you old goat!

    Emperor: I know you are, but what am I?

    Vader: Shut up!

    Emperor: No, you shut up!

    Yup, you know it to be true: that's how the conversation will be if GL scripted it today :p
  17. That_Wascally_Droid Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 29, 2001
    star 6
    edit - no no no no nope
    Urgh long day
    Carry on.
  18. Delance Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3
    Sidious: We have a new enemy: Luke Skywalker

    Vader: My son!

    Sidious: He must not be a Jedi!

    Vader: But he is just a boy! Please, don't kill my son! I'll do anything to save his life!

    Sidious: You want to save your son's life? Good, good... I can feel the wish to protect a loved one... Let it flow trought you... That's the path of the dark side...

    Vader: What?

    Sidious: Before the clone wars, you didn't want to let your mother die. That led you to be evil. If you want to be good, you must let harm come to your loved ones.

    Vader: What?

    Sidious: Yes. Protecting your family from harm is the path to the dark side. Only an EVIL SITH LORD would protect his family. A true JEDI would let them die so to have no attachments.

    Vader: How bizarre. I'm glad I left them.

    Sidious: Oh yes, they are weird.

    Vader: So, since I hate you, I can still kill your and rule the galaxy with my son, right?

    Sidious: You can try.
  19. Darth_Sillyname Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 7, 2000
    star 4
    Good point Delance!

    Dude, say no to Drugs. Like the deathstick guy on AotC.

    - Yoda having wings is one of my 'worst case scenario' fears for Episode 3. That hunchback is there for a reason!
  20. Plo_Koen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    Sillyname, that was great! (Lachhuh!)

    Vader: Alert captain Piett to prepare for my wrath!
  21. OutlawYoda Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2002
    star 4
    Sillyname you are just full of awesome ideas!!! HAHAH!!!!! great stuff!!! keep writing!! MORE I need.. yes! :D
  22. Delance Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 3
    It was very funny Sillyname. But scary. After all, if Watto can fly... Bizarre.
  23. DanW381 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2002
    This is a little off-topic, but this thread made me think of it. It's something my brother and I came up with.

    It's a couple years from now, and Episode III has just been completed. When it ends, Anakin is getting closer to the dark side but he hasn't turned on Obi-Wan or joined Palpatine yet, Mace Windu and many other Jedi are still alive, Padme hasn't gotten pregnant yet, the Empire hasn't been officially born yet, etc.

    After releasing the film, George Lucas is talking to Rick McCallum...

    George Lucas - "Yeah, Episode III was pretty cool. But the NEXT one...it's going to be awesome!"

    Rick McCallum - "Umm...George...that was the last one. You already made Episode IV."

    George Lucas - (Eyes get really big) "CRAP!!!!!"
  24. Plo_Koen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2001
    star 4
    Let's derail the thread! :D Here's some more UE dialogue, it's an extra scene in ESB:


    Vader: We would be honored, if you would join us...

    Han: Great! can you pass me the Jawa juice, Darth?

    Vader: I have here a bill of imperial property, damaged or destroyed by the rebel alliance. It includes a mark I deathstar, an imperial class stardestroyer, 2 walkers and several TIE fighters, including my own customized one, I just had it painted for godsake... Now, according to my lawyer...

    Han: Don't eat with your hands, Chewie!


    *Boba Fett stands up*


    Vader:
    Where are you going?

    Fett: To find my mother...

    Vader: ...

    Han: ...

    Vader: Has anybody ever seen a podrace?
  25. MeBeJedi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2002
    star 6
    Geez, Ramred, guess you are as entitled to your opinion to the movies as we are to ours. Now, shut up and let us enjoy ourselves.
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