Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

So this is what happens when kids get the password to mom and dad's computer....

 

Darth Vader and Moff Jerferrod bow before Emperor Cos Sidious Palpatine's shuttle after it has arrived on the Death Star II.

Emperor: Rise, my friend. Why are you bowing before me, kiss ass? A true Sith lord, like Dooku was, would never bow before his approaching Sith Master.

Vader: I'm sorry master, I am trying. By the way, the Death Star will be completed on schedule, unlike the first one which took over twenty years to build because those Genosian termites were too busy watching public executions and so easily surrending the plans to Dooku for your safekeeping. If only the Kiminoans could build ultimate weapons. They always build things...on time.

Emperor: Excellent. You have done well, Lord Vader. You were always good at fixing things. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for the younger Skywalker. How old are you anyway? About forty, forty two? You might need to take a vacation, my friend. Last time I saw you without the mask you looked about sixty. Do it for me. The thought of losing you to Dark Side degeneration would be...unbearable.

Vader: Yes, my Master, the Dark Side is hell on the skin and eyes, like sand, which is coarse, rough and irritating. Look at you. When you first started to watch my career with great interest, you looked about fifty and now you look to be over one hundred, even though that was less than thirty years ago.

Emperor: When single handedly you take over a galaxy from being a Senator from a backwater planet like Naboo you do, look as good you
will not. Hmm? Why am I talking backwards? Any way, have patience, my friend. Haven't you learned to trust your feelings yet? I guess you aren't invincible as I once predicted. Young fool! Let me explain this situation in simple terms you can understand: in time he will seek you out. And when he does, you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the force.

Vader: As you wish. After falling into the lava and being made more machine than man, I no longer have the energy to disobey my master like I once did. I must obey my master.

Emperor: Did you say something? I was too busy looking at the stormtroopers here. I wish I hadn't changed their armor. The old design was much elegant. Oh yes, where was I. Everything is proceeding as plann...excuse me, I have foreseen.




Yoda: Luke...Luke...Do not...Do not underestimate the Sith lightning and manipulative powers of the Emperor, or be encased in life support systems and always be a slave-like apprentice like your father, you will. Luke, when gone am I, the first of the new post-Clone War(s) Jedi will you be, as I will explain to you in the following sentences. Luke, the Force runs strong on your father's side of the family because, as another Jedi master claimed, the Midicholorians apparently conceived him, and as everyone over age forty learned in elementary school biology class (or youngling tutoring sessions by me if they were abducted from their parents), they are the embodiment of the force. Pass on what you have learned, Luke...There is another...Sky...Sky...walker, in fact many others, because it is a very common name in the galaxy, like Antilles or Bail. That is why you were allowed to keep your last name.

 

Emperor: Excellent. You have done well, Lord Vader. You were always good at fixing things. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for the younger Skywalker. How old are you anyway? About forty, forty two? You might need to take a vacation, my friend. Last time I saw you without the mask you looked about sixty. Do it for me. The thought of losing you to Dark Side degeneration would be...unbearable



Good one!

 

LEIA: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

LUKE: Are you an angel?

 

Connect the two trilogies through Episode III. A similar thread

 

LEIA: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

LUKE: Are you an angel?

LOLMAO

This one is slowly, but steadily, becoming one of my favorite threads..

 

Perhaps they should re-write the ending of the ROTJ.

---

Death Star 2. Battle of Ender. Emperor's throne room. General Solo's team is fighting a Imperial legion on the moon's surface, and the Rebel fleet is engaging the Imperial star destroyers.

PALPATINE (to luke): "You, like your father, are now MINE".

VADER: "Why?"

PALPATINE: "What?"

VADER: "Why I am still yours? It's not fair!"

PALPATINE: "What?"

VADER: "I'm ready to be a Sith Master! You are holding me back! In some ways, I'm really ahead of you"

PALPATINE: "Be patient, my very young apprentice"

VADER: "No! This is your entire fault! You promised me the power to stop people from dieing!"

VADER chockes Palpatine.

PALPATINE: (coffs) "That.. is.. enough!"

PALPATINE zaps Vader with lightning.

VADER absorbs the lightning with his saber.

VADER: "This is something that Obi-Wan thought me before our duel. He thought me well. Now, its time I show you some aggressive negotiations"

PALPATINE: ?No? Anakin.. Trust your feelings? You can be invincible.. Even more powerful... than... Yoda...?

VADER: ?Even more powerful than YOU! And I also fell I must destroy you, so I can be the most powerful Jedi ever! Now you?ll know the true nature of the force!?

VADER force-throw Palpatine on the reactor's dole. Palpatine explodes, and a wave of evil blue darkside energy flows.

VADER: ?Duck, my son?

They duck, and the blue energy flies over them. They get up.

VADER: "Now that?s podracing!"

LUKE: "That was so cool! Can I be a Sith Lord too?"

VADER: "Sure, I can complete your training. But don?t forget your lightsaber! Never let go of this! This weapon is your life!?

LUKE: ?Yes, father?

VADER: ?Now let?s get out of here! This station is going to blow like that droid control ship on Naboo!?

LUKE: ?What??

VADER: ?I?ll tell you about it later. I was the best nine-year old starfighter pilot of the galaxy. Much to learn you still have, my young padawan?

LUKE: ?This is just the beginning!?

 

LOL "Duck, my son" LOL

 

In light of the PT, the OT is seriously lacking in tension-destroying "jokes". C-3PO to the rescue!

ANH - Luke discovers the burnt skeletons of Owen and Beru, the people who raised him as child, brutally slain.
THREEPIO: Door-to-door salesmen never take no for an answer!

ANH - In the Death Star trench, Biggs' cockpit explodes as he is killed by Vader.
THREEPIO: Faulty air conditioning again!

ESB - After a touching pledge of love with Princess Leia, smuggler Han Solo is frozen in carbonite.
THREEPIO: He'll have to put his plans on ice!

ESB - In a tense duel with Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker is defeated and maimed.
THREEPIO: You've got to HAND it to Vader, he knows how to fight!

ROTJ - Having killed the emperor and returned to the light side, the dying Anakin asks Luke to remove his mask.
THREEPIO: Vader is going to FACE facts at last!

 

Han: Leia, ever since I saw you, I'm in agony. Well OK, it's partly from me contorting my body to dodge Greedo's blast, but it's mainly due to you.

Leia: I will not allow a course of action that would lead us to love. It will take us to a place we cannot go. It might even involve sand...

Han: Hmmm....yeah, sand is rough and all that.

Threepio: If I may say so sir, the probability of sand being rough is...

Han: Never tell me the odds.

Leia: Good call, my not-so-young smuggler.

 

Assembler, I loved that post! A good, sarcastic way to describe Threepio's role in the last part of "Attack of the Cartoons".

 

Well OK, it's partly from me contorting my body to dodge Greedo's blast, but it's mainly due to you

I didn't notice this one at first. Very funny heheh.

 

ESB: Bespin

VADER: "We can rule the galaxy, as father and son!"

VADER: "Come with me, it's the only way..."

LUKE throws himself on Bespin's ventilation pit.

VADER: "I hate it when he does that!"

 

Two Items of Gold:

1) "He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade. Something you father would have done if there had ever been some kind of idealistic crusade in those days."

2)Some of the people on this forum are amazing. And I don't mean that in a positive way. They are so blinded by their dislike of the Prequel Trilogy that they create a topic that continues to criticize it, even in a forum for the Original Trilogy.

Some of the people on this forum are amazing. And I don't mean that in a positive way. They are so blinded by their dislike of anyone not sharing their opinions blindly that they post criticisms in a topic which they clearly should stay out of.

Perfectly stated, Gentleman. Pure Gold.

 

No one seems willing to accept the fact that both trilogies are one big saga. Personally, I cannot even watch a movie from one trilogy, without thinking of the other. It's all part of the same story to me.

I don't think the problems is with us. I don't think George Lucas accepts it. Why else would he betray the OT with such inconsistency and falsitude that can be found in the PT.

 

Very good point...

If the "saga" thing was so important, more attention would be placed to such "details"...

But it IS a big saga. Mistakes and all. The problem is that they won't sell the OT again. Only the edited/butchered version. I still have the OT tapes... Perhaps I should digitalize them so they will last longer.

 

Here are a few more changes to the OT scripts that are in the pipeline:


OBI WAN: "Anakin was a good friend to Greedo. When I first knew him, your father was already lying about being a great podracer, so I was amazed at how strongly Qui Gon wanted to train him. I took it upon myself to tell Qui Gon that the boy was dangerous and that he should do what the council told him, but he wouldn't listen. He thought that I could instruct Anakin just as well as Yoda. He was right, because Yoda's last student turned into a Sith Lord as well."



LUKE: "The Force runs strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. And... my sister has it. Yes. It's you, Leia."

LEIA: "I know. Somehow, I've always known."

LUKE: "...wait, you've always known? Even when you snogged me on the Death Star???"

LEIA: "...yes"

LUKE: "And that time after we escaped from the Imperial attack on Hoth???"

LEIA: "....yes"

LUKE: "Yuck! Is that kind of thing legal?"

LEIA: "I will make it legal!"




EMPEROR: "Qui Gon Jinn never told you what happened to your father."

DARTH VADER: "He told me that I didn't have a father. He told me I was concieved by microscopic creatures in my mom's bloodstream!"

EMPEROR: "That's not true! That's impossible!!!"

DARTH VADER: "NOOOOOOO!"

 

Great stuff Jen X!

 

OBI WAN: "Anakin was a good friend to Greedo. When I first knew him, your father was already lying about being a great podracer, so I was amazed at how strongly Qui Gon wanted to train him. I took it upon myself to tell Qui Gon that the boy was dangerous and that he should do what the council told him, but he wouldn't listen. He thought that I could instruct Anakin just as well as Yoda. He was right, because Yoda's last student turned into a Sith Lord as well."



I'm sure there are already plans for Ewan to dub that dialogue, with ILM making sure Alec Guiness' lips move in the correct way. Of course, the results will be as "superb" as Han dodging Greedo's blast!

*resumes laughing*

 

Yeah, there's definitely something fishy with Yoda. I think he's a Sith Lord himself!

 

It's not just the OT that would benefit from 3PO's woefully misplaced "jokes" (as seen in AOTC), the Phantom Menace could really use some too!

Qui-Gon is fatally wounded when Darth Maul's lightsabre goes right through him.
THREEPIO: HOLE in one!

Obi Wan screams in disbelief at Qui-Gon's demise.
THREEPIO: (Shrugs) SITH happens!

Obi Wan Kenobi leaps over Maul and cuts him in half.
THREEPIO: He had to SPLIT!

Qui-Gon Jinn dies in Obi-Wan's arms.
THREEPIO: I guess he's Qui-GONE for good!

 

After reading your 1st post Ree Yees, it appears your attempt to start more PT-bashing has backfired on you...GOOD! (no offense)

I went into TPM (and AOTC) with no expectations of what/how things were going to develop; simply to watch the story as GL envisioned it take shape. And for the most part, I'm very pleased with the results.

While there may be some things added to the "Archive Edition" DVD (once Episode III is finished) I don't think we should start re-writing everything in order to make the eventual PT+OT=one grand storyline fit more into what some fans had in mind.

Tatooine: C-3P0 follows Luke into the Lars garage to be "cleaned up before dinner"

Luke: "Okay, let's go"
C-3P0: "That's alright sir, you go to the Toshie... I seem to remember this place, for some reason."

 

Haha.. SITH happens...
---
Jex, good stuff too...

 

I don't think the problems is with us. I don't think George Lucas accepts it. Why else would he betray the OT with such inconsistency and falsitude that can be found in the PT.

OBI-WAN: A young Director named George Lucas, who was a celebrity of mine until he
turned to evil, helped ILM compose and render Jedi Rocks. He betrayed and murdered your saga. Now Greedo shoots first. Lucas was seduced by the dark side of the FX.

Don't get me wrong, I like AotC...but Jedi Rocks? Hrm.

 

OBI-WAN: "When I met your father... Well... Actually I was in the middle of a "party" with 15 royal hand-maydens when Qui-Gon messaged me with orders to do some lab testing on your father's blood sample... Midiclorians count, like I care."

LUKE: "Who is Qui-Gon?"

OBI-WAN: "The Jedi Master who instructed me, who I will completely forget the next time I mentioned who instructed me."

LUKE: "What? That doesn't make any sense!"

OBI-WAN: "It does, from a certain point of view. Sometimes logic dependes on one's point of view. I, for example, lied about not knowing R2D2. He was with us in the ship that came here to Tantooine on the ocasion I met your father. I also lied about never owning a Droid, I had a little astromech named R4 once."

LUKE: "Cool. But what about my father's blood test?"

OBI-WAN: "I was in such a hurry I gave Qui-Gon bogus results, and he got convinced Anakin had more midiclorians than Yoda. That old crazy man... His communicator was built in his belt, but he kept talking to a woman's razor. Not to mention that his idea of being undercover included going into town with Jar Jar Binks. I didn't want to lose any time doing the test again, because I had better things to do, if you know what I mean. The women here on Tantooine are harsh, like sand, Luke. Naboo girls are smooth. Your father knew this to be true. Anyway.. He was a good pod-racer, or something. But what really impressed me in him is that he was a nine year old slave boy who made a teenage queen fall for with him using some pick-up lines he heard from deep space pilots on a bar."

LUKE: "Incredible, I thought he was a navigator on a freighter"

OBI-WAN: "No way. He was a Jedi Padawan, like I once was. Your uncle didn't want you to know this, because since Jedi can't have any attachments, the moment you entered the order we would have to kill them. By the way, I sense they are being murdered right now by Imperial troops. Good, you are now set to go. Good mythological heroes must forsake their families!"

LUKE: "What? Nooooooooooooooooooo"

OBI-WAN: "You must let go, Luke. Dreams pass in time. If you try to save them, you will fall for the dark side"

LUKE: "I must save them!"

OBI-WAN: "Allright, go. In my times, you'd be expelled from the Jedi order! If there was still one! And if the people you are trying to save were not Jedis!"