Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

"Welcome!!! Thissen Death Star is most proudsa to presenten oursa first and most gracious wedding ever.. joining the bond between two Imperialleses in hollyen matramoney. One, a half Annie/half droid. The otheren, an uptighten old Imperial Governor."
Vader sighed and boomed his voice out.
"This is all good and fun Jar Jar, but could you please skip all of this?!"
Tarkin snapped.
"Yes Jar Jar. Skip to the goods."

Jar Jar smiled.
"OH! Right! Mesa see! Yousa both have the notion to put yousas butts in motion!"
He winks, turning to Tarkin.
"Do yousa, Grandy Moffy M'Tarkeykinns take Charcoal Annie....?"

LMAO @ "Charcoal Annie"!

 

Anakin: "You're the closest thing I have to a father."

Obi Wan: "You were like a brother to me."

Yoda: "Confusing your relationship is. Meditate on this I will."

Anakin: "Somethings wrong, I want more. The dark side clouds everything to do with parentage and siblings."

Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? I wish that I could just wish away kissing my twin sister who somehow always knew we were related but didnt say 'if you follow your thoughts through to conclusion it takes us to a place we cannot go.' "

Obi Wan: "Is anakin the father? I'm sorry, I thought we were questioning whether I'm like his father or he's like my brother."

Han Solo: "Well, don't look at me, pal. I'm here for the money."

Yoda: "Use your feelings, Anakin, and find your father you will. Actually possibly even a son who's feelings will tell you about his sister. Incomplete is your training. Not ready for the burden are you. Children you'll find, who kissed, once have."

Obi Wan: "Oh, not good. The boy is dangerous. They all sense it; why can't you?"

Anakin: "Yoda, I've felt his presence. I have a bad feeling about this."

Obi Wan: "This family is going to be the death of me."

Yoda: "Fortunate am I, no family do I need. Good relations with the Wookies I have."

 

Obi Wan: "This family is going to be the death of me."

Yoda: "Fortunate am I, no family do I need. Good relations with the Wookies I have

We really need more jokes involving Yoda and the Wookies!

*in the second Death Star's throne room, Vader and Luke duel, then Luke does the back-flip thing and unto the platform*

Luke: Give it up, father! I have the high ground!

Vader: You underestimate my powers! Besides, Obi Wan already did this once to me, so I will not jump! Instead, I will throw my lightsaber!

Luke: Dammit!

 

I really need to see ROTS one of these days, even if it's only to write another 'rewrite'.
Yes it's true, I have not seen ROTS yet!

I guess I can already start making some stuff up, because I've read the script and I don't need to dislike something to make fun of it.

 

Yes it's true, I have not seen ROTS yet!

[Padmé] Sillyname! You're breaking my heart!

 

Vader: I've been waiting for you Obiwan.... for twenty years... how come you never called me?

Obiwan: Look, when I said I love you, I said "LOVED you." As in, "So long charcoaled corpse!" Not, 'Lets make love baby.'

Vader: Ha! Because you KNOW all about love Obiwan....

Obiwan: YES!!! LOVE is oxygen!!!

Vader: grrr.... Don't speak to me of this drivel. I made a deal with the devil FOR love. And look where it got me.

Obiwan: You know, funny how when we were fighting.. the reason WHY you turned to the darkside was never brought up between us.

Vader: What? Didn't you figure it out over the course of twenty years?

Obiwan: Nah. I was drunk most of the time on Tatooine.

Vader: Wait a minute?! You were hiding on Tatooine?!!

Obiwan: Oh yeah baby.

Vader: The most obvious of places to look...... and I didn't SEARCH THERE??!! What the hells that all about?!

Obiwan: Oh, I used your pain from the loss of your mother and the Tusken Slaughter to mask my presence there.

Vader: Thats.... just sadistic.

Obiwan: Yeah, I know.

Vader: ....you left me to rot and burn, then waited twenty years on my own home planet masking your presence...... using my pain?!!!..........

Obiwan: *gives a big grin*

Vader: *chuckles* Oh, your good.

Obiwan: *shrugs and laughs, kicks the ground in a way saying: "Awww it was nothin."*

Vader: ....so I guess the circle is now complete then.

Obiwan: ...What circle?

Vader: .......errm its just a figure of speech...

Obiwan: The circle of life?

Vader: No no your thinking too much into it...

Obiwan: ....and HEY! You sound like Mustafa!

Vader: .... i do? *hears himself* I DO!

Vader&Obiwan: *in unison* Mustafa........ ...which.......also... sounds like MUSTAFAR!!
*They laugh.*

Vader: Haha Yes yes the planet where you left me to die. Funny to laugh about things like that huh? Because when I left you, I was but confused charcoal, now I am the master charcoal.

Obiwan: Only a master of watered down evil!

(They strike at each other.)

Vader: "Lava"ed down evil you mean!

Obiwan: *rolls eyes* Pleeeaase! The lava never even touched you! You just caught fire! Hey! This gives me an idea! *throws off his robes and throws them onto his ignited lightsaber, the robe catches fire and becomes a huge flame, he steps towards Vader very slowly shreeking like the Wicked Witch* HOW ABOUT A LITTLE FIRE SCARECROW??!!!!!!!!!

*Vader backs away in dramatic terror like the Cowardly Lion*
Vader: *stuttering madly* DAAAAAOOOOBAAA!!!!!!!!!!!GETTHATTHING AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!

Obiwan: *eyes become mad and crazy, grinning with utter delight, lunging at Vader*

Vader: Get away from me you lazy eyed psycho!!!!!!!!!
*Vader steps back and trips*

*Obiwan steps on Vaders chest, causing Vader to make a LOUD thundering noise sounding like a cars horn honking mixed with a Donkey screaming and a fog horn: HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

 

Luke: Leia, do you remmeber your mother? Your real mother?

Leia: She died when I was very young...

Luke: Actually, she died when we were babies.

Leia: We???

Luke: Let me tell you what Yoda and Ben told me...

*after 20 minutes*

Leia: So...she just lost the willl to live? She didn't care about us at all?

Luke: Yup.

Leia: I know...somehow, I've always known she was a crappy character.

 

Imperial Admiral:I'm sorry your packed lunch was not delivered in time Lord Vader, i accept full responsibility for this.

Vader:Apology accepted, i must now force choke you because im evil, threatening and have a very deep macho voice. In fact, the only thing that could make me less threatening is if they make three whole films about how much of a whining stupid pussy i used to be.
Perhaps they could have several scenes about how i used to cheat at podracing on Tatoinne because i could use the force. Ah, Tatoinne, full of sand...have i ever told you what i think of sand admiral?

Admiral:Erm.....no....

Vader:Its irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here, here everythings soft.

Admiral:Actually the death Star if full of jagged edges and death traps....at least it was before ILM got to work on it with the airbrush...

Ok so that was my first attempt, any good?

 

LMAO @ Lurking_Around!!!!!

*Obiwan steps on Vaders chest, causing Vader to make a LOUD thundering noise sounding like a cars horn honking mixed with a Donkey screaming and a fog horn: HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

I laughed so hard when you came up with that while we were chatting on AIM, and I laugh even harder seeing it in this thread!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Tarkin: Get ready to destroy Alderan
Leia: No, Alderan is peacefull
Tarkin: would you prefer another target, a military taget? Which would you prefer we destroy then-Italy or France?
Leia: *sigh* France
Tarkin: Fire when ready. Heh, nobody ever says Italy.

----------------

*during the Vader/Ben fight in ANH*

Vader: when we lats met I was but the learner, now I am....well, still the learner, but with a new master.

----------------

Stormtrooper: How long have you had these droids?
Luke: about 3 or 4 seasons
Ben: they're up for sale if you'd like.
Stormtrooper: Ok, we'll take 'em then.
Ben: oh....uhh....but *waves hand* these aren't the droids your looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for, but we could use a pair of droids on the Star Destroyer, and you said these were for sale.
Ben: ahhhh crap.

------------

Ben: .....when that happened, Anakin Skywalker ceased to exist, and he became Darth Vader. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.
Luke: a certain point of view?
Ben: yes Luke, you see, the only way we can actually acheive continuity between the PT and the OT depends on our own point of views.

 

Ben: yes Luke, you see, the only way we can actually acheive continuity between the PT and the OT depends on our own point of views



Wonderful! I'm almost tempted to put that as my sig!



BEN: Anakin was a whiny man...well, more like boy. When I first knew him...well actually, I barely talked to him at that time, everything was done by Qui-Gon. Anyway, Qui Gon was amazed at how strongly the Force...actually, we didn't think of it as "the Force was strong with him " or anything mystical like that. Oh no, we were sceintific! We measured his midichlorians and were amazed by the high midichlorian count! So Qui Gon took it upon himself to train your father as Jedi, but then he died and made me promise to train your father....

Luke: Zzzzz....

 

George Lucas: Buggered we are, if the Prequel Trilogy, no one likes.

Rick McCallum: I think it is time we inform the Fans that our ability to use the force has diminished.

George Lucas: Only the Dark Lord of the Sith knows of our weakness. If informed the Fans are, multiply our adversaries will.

 

[image=http://controls.ae.gatech.edu/gtar/oldweb/html/pics_movies/yoda.jpg]
Yoda: Hmmmm. Good relations with the Wookies, I've had. Tee hee. Judge me by my size do you? Hmmm. And where you should not!

 

gallery.future-i.com/comedy/royal/pic:queen-mother-yoda/

Yoda: George, use the Force. Alter the Original Trilogy you should not. Strange things will you see. Not mine, are these clothes.

 

EXTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD

R2 hovers above the home with his rocket boosters while a nervous 3PO attempts to get him back down to the ground by throwing deathsticks at him.

INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA.

LUKE: You know, I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen.

OWEN: What makes you think that?

LUKE: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. It was of some fine princess who I tell you...wow, I'd love to see her in a slave outfit one day. Anyway, he says he belongs to someone called Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of his name, but
manages to control himself.

LUKE: I thought he might have meant old Ben. Do you know what he's talking about? I wonder if he's related to Ben.

Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger.

OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old wizard! He awkwardly held you with your head flopping around as a baby and left us with the burden of raising...er...

Luke's eyes begin to tear up.

OWEN: Um look, tomorrow I want you to take that R2 unit into Anchorhead and have its memory erased. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now. Why his memory wasn't erased in the first place though I don't know.

Luke dries his eyes.

LUKE: (sniff) But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him?

OWEN: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your bratty father.

LUKE: My father was bratty?

OWEN: I told you to forget it.

LUKE: Um...when did you say that?

OWEN: I told you to forget it.

LUKE: Huh?

OWEN: I told you to forget it.

AUNT BERU: Hit the nose!

Luke bonks his Uncle on his nose and he quickly snaps out of his looped insane state.

OWEN: Thanks...Now, your only concern is to prepare the new droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge working out those condensers.

LUKE: Yes, sir.

When Uncle Owen goes back to eating Luke floats a glass of blue milk above his Uncle's head and with a wave of his hand pours it down upon his uncle.

AUNT BERU: Oh Luke!

OWEN: Luke you'll be the death of me!

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- LARS HOMESTEAD.

The giant twin suns of Tatooine slowly disappear behind a distant dune range.

Luke exits and finds 3PO heading into the garage covered in oil.

3PO: Dear me...I wonder when R2 learned how to shoot motor oil from his rusty innards.

Luke stands in a comic book type hero pose and watches R2 do twisty twirls in the air above the Lar's homestead for a few moments. He then begins to walk back inside but trips on a grave stone.

LUKE: That's funny I dont remember this being here?

 

LUKE: "But with the blast shields down, I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?"

BEN: "Boy, freakin' SEVEN year-olds do this exercise, so quit yer bitchin'!"

 

OMG OutlawYoda, the final part of the TAVSLA was the sickest! It's impossible to find a favorite quote, but only Vader and m'Tarkey can Outer RIM sound so incredibly dirty!

 

Luke: Ben, why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

Kenobi Ghost: What I told you was true, from a certain point of view.

Luke: A certain point of view???

Kenobi Ghost: Well, only a Sith deals with absolutes. A Jedi deals with half truths and certain points of view.

Luke:

*later on...*

Kenobi Ghost: He is more machine now than man. Twisted and evil.

Luke: From my point of view, he is not evil!

Kenobi Ghost: Then you are lost!

*later, Luke meets Vader again on Endor..*

Luke: I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, a whining teenage Jedi.

Vader: That no longer has any meaning to me. You don't know the power of the darkside and it's promises! I MUST obey my Master, even if he only ensures a "maybe" rather than an absolute promise!

Luke: Father, please, you're going down a path I can't follow!

Vader: Because of Obi Wan?

Luke: Becuase of what you are, what you've done!

Vader: LIAR! You're with Obi Wan! You're here to kill me!

*Kenobu Ghost appears and Vader promptly chokes Luke*

Vader: *to Kenobi Ghost* You did this! You turned him against me!

Kenobi Ghost: Darn, this scene looks awfully familiar...

 

LMAO Lurking!!!
*continuing from your post*
KenobiSpirit: *begins to snarl like the Emperor* ...But that doesn't matter!!! Because NOW Darth VADERR you will feel the full POWERR of the LIGHT SIDE!! *shoots a blue beam of light at Vader, Obiwan laughs wickedly as the beam hits Vader and sends him flying* *clears throat* Oops.... wrong fight scene........... *voice goes back to the Emperor and hovers over to Vader* I've waited for this a long time.... my little IRON LUNG FRIEND!
Vader: *impersonates Yoda and gets up and force shoves Obiwan Kenobis ghost several feet* AATTT ANNNN ENDDD YOUR RULE IS!!!

 

Okay heres my shot at this I've read some of this thread its so funny. ... forgive me if mine isnt that funny... I've been off my roll all week..(the actuall quote may be off a bit...)

This is from ROTJ when R2 plays the hologram of Luke..

Luke:...... and as a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift, these two droids...Who belonged to my father... Say you might remember him! He used to live here! Short blonde kid... looked like his mother used a bowl to cut his hair? He used to be the only human pod racer! or maybe you saw him when he came back when he was older looked a bit like Billy Idol ....Blah blah blah..

Jabba: (thinking)Who the heck is Billy Idol?!


I had to......

 

LOL good stuff.

Lemme try again......



YODA: Luke! You must complete the training.

LUKE: I can't keep the vision out of my head. They're my
friends. I've got to help them.

YODA: Luke no, a Skywalker trait this terrible whining is!
Now come and sit...Marshmellows, we will roast together. Mmm?

LUKE: But Han and Leia will die if I don't go now.
Master Yoda your holding me back!

BEN'S VOICE: Hello there!

Luke looks toward the voice in amazement. Ben has
materialized as a real, slightly shimmering image near Yoda.
The power of his presence stops Luke.

BEN: Luke, even Yoda cannot see their fate. Then again,
neither of us could see a Sith Lord right under our
noses for years.

LUKE: But I can help them! I feel the Force!

YODA: (under his breath) Eh, feel this.

BEN: But you cannot control it. This is a dangerous time for you,
when your midichlorians will be tempted by the dark side
of the Force.

LUKE: Midi-whazzah???

As Yoda roasts his marshmellows he speaks again...

YODA: Yes, yes. To Obi-Wan you listen. (chomp chomp)
The cave. Remember your failure at the cave! Blew that
big time, you did! (chomp chomp)

LUKE: But I've learned so much since then. Um...THEN
meaning 10 minutes ago. Master Yoda, I promise to return and
finish what I've begun. You have my word. I will free you
from the slavery of being on this planet!

YODA: (under his breath) Eh, free this.

 

Anakin: "I'm not the lover I should be. It's all Obi-Wan's fault. He's jealous. He's holding me back."
Padme: "He seems to be on top of things. If you spent as much time practicing your debating techniques as you did your leering, you'd rival Master Yoda as a speaker."
Anakin: "I thought I already did."
Padme: "Only in your mind, my very young apprentice. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me, how to speak in quotable catch phrases."
Anakin: "A Jedi. Whaddya know!"
Padme: "You're sweating. Surely you must realize that my mental powers are far beyond yours, now back down."
Anakin: "I wish that I could wish away my feelings."
Padme: "Thats your come back? You're braver than I thought! The ability to speak doesnt not make you intelligent."
Anakin: "Well, you know Padme. I had trouble finding a dialogue coach I really liked."
Padme: "Truly wonderful the mind of a child is."
Anakin: "Don't worry, I've given up trying to argue you with you."
Padme: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope."
Anakin: "I sense something. A presence I've not felt since... Obi Wan?"

Obi Wan (to Anakin): "Watch your mouth kid, or you're gonna find yourself floating home."
Anakin (to Obi Wan): "So what do you think of her?"
Obi Wan: "I'm trying not to kid."
Padme (to Obi Wan): "Only you could be so bold, then again, it depends on the size of your, er, vocabulary."
Obi Wan: "Padme, Is there anything I can do?"
Padme: "Not unless you can alter time, re-write his pick up lines or teleport me off this rock"
Obi Wan: "Boring conversation anyway."
Anakin (to Padme): "I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me."
Padme: "Biggest mistake I ever made."
Obi Wan (to Anakin): "You don't need to get another kiss."
Anakin: "I don't need to get another kiss."
Obi Wan: "She's not the girl you're looking for."
Anakin: "You're not the girl I'm looking for."
Obi Wan: "You can go about your business."
Anakin: "I'll go about my business." (leaves).

Obi Wan (to Padme): "Well hello there."
Padme: "Today will be a day long remembered. It has seen the death of Anakin's yapping. Right now I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself. "
Obi Wan: "Your dialogue is very impressive. You must be very proud. "
Padme: "So thats how Anakin leaves, to the sound of thunderous applause."
Obi Wan: "Well, who can blame them. I won't leave you here; I've got to save you!"
Padme: "You already have, Obi, you already have."
Obi Wan: "You know, sometimes I amaze even myself. You could use a good kiss."
Padme: "I've been looking forward to this for a long time."
(they kiss)

Padme: "Is it possible to learn this power?"
Obi Wan: "Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned."
Padme: "I don't know, I can imagine quiet a bit."
(they kiss again)
Padme: "Charming to the last."
Obi Wan: "Another happy landing."

 

*on board the first Death Star, Vader and Tarkin walk into the meeting of generals*

Vader: Don't be too proud of this techological terror you've constructed. After all, you needed twenty years to build this thing! Therefore, from my point of view the Force is more powerful!

General: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways Lord Vader...

*Vader chokes the insolent General*

Tarkin: Let him go, Vader! LET...HIM..GO!

Vader: *to Tarkin* You did this! You turned him against me!

Tarkin: You did that yourself!

 

*Anakin and Obiwan are going lava surfing*
Obiwan: Boy, its lucky we landed on these compartments! *hops onto the hill*
Anakin: I use them for surfing, I never thought I'd be surfing myself on them during our big duel. This is ridiculous looking, even if I could jump off, I'd never get passed the damned sand on this hill!............... *jumps anyways!*
Obiwan: *grins evily* .......Leave that to me! *chops off Anakins arm and legs*
Anakin: *rolls down the sandy hill* Damn fool, I KNEW that you were going to do that!!!!!
Obiwan: Whose the more foolish, the fool or the fool who as the high ground?