Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

[image=http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/art/FettArt4.jpg]

Anyone else think Boba Fetts looking a little cross-gendered in this picture??

 

[image=http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/art/YodaArt2.jpg]

Yoda: "Tell Luke about Force Lightning I should. Handy it could be."

 

[image=http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/pics/VaderLeia.jpg]

Vadar: "Don't worry, I've given up arguing with you."

Leia: "I wonder if you really care about anyone or anything."

Vadar: "You do remind me of someone though... a memory I haven't thought of since...."

 

[image=http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/pics/Spirits.jpg]

"You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Unless of course you found out about Qui Gon's trick as well, then you pretty much can imagine how powerful I'll become.
There was one last lesson I never got to.... Rejuvenating Beauty Tips via the force - How to look 20 years younger in 5 easy minutes After Death."

 

[image=http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/pics/LukeBiggs.jpg]

Luke: "Doesn't it have a great view Biggs. This is the bachelor pad we've been looking for. The Mos Isley chicks will be blown away."

Biggs: "Luke, there's something I have to tell you. I've rented a room at the Huts. There's way more chicks there, a huge casino, live shows and sporting events, I'm sorry."

Luke: "The who? They have what?"

 

Luke: What do you remember?

Leia: Just...images really, feelings. See, I guess, but I can't confirm this, a Jedi was holding me while my Mom was mumbling while she died, leaving me with a rare natal memory.

Luke: A Jedi was holding you?

Leia: Yeah, I mean, from what I'm told, you couldn't really see me, I was mostly off screen.

Luke: What was she mumbling? Do you remember that too?

Leia: Something about..."There's still food in it."

Luke: Weird. I have no memory of my Mother.

Leia: Well, again, it was hard to tell who was where. So I guess you were quickly taken to the other room with Jimmy Smits.

Luke winks at the camera

EDIT: After seeing Mark and Carrie at the AFI tribute to GL, we're probably gonna have to CG this addition.

 

Leia: Something about..."There's still food in it."

 

[image=http://www.darthrage.com/starwars/pictures/3/sw_5b.jpg]

Yoda: "Hmmm, Surrounded by asteroids, this ship is."

Bail: "I know. Somehow I've always known."

...........................................


[image=http://www.supershadows.com/starwars/pictures/3/sw_36b.jpg]

Yoda: "Lost the fire extinguishers Obi Wan has, how embarrassing."


(oops,sorry, wrong message board!)

 

Yoda: "Soon will I rest, yes, forever sleep. Earned it I have. Twilight is upon me, soon night must fall...

Then back I will be. Ghost visits I will make. Advice will I give. Travel to Moon of Endor to meet you I will. Catch up with Obi Wan and Qui Gong Gin too ... busy will I be. "

 

LUKE SKYWALKER throws away his lightsaber.

LUKE:
"Never. I am a Jedi like my father before me."

EMPEROR:
"So be it... Jedi."

The EMPEROR cackles with fiendish delight as he sends many a volt through Luke's body. Bursts of lightning shoot from his fingers.

EMPEROR:
"What the ... he isn't flying at great speeds towards the wall to be crushed by my powerful lightning?"

VADER:
"Yeah, weird. You blasted Master Windu like a thousand feet out of the window."

LUKE:
"AAAaaarghhhh father help me!"

EMPEROR:
"He just lies there writhing in pain. Am I that old?"

The EMPEROR grins evilly and intensifies the forward lightning power.

LUKE:
"Arrrw!"

EMPEROR:
"Now, you will die."

VADER:
"Now that I think about it, these last years fewer and fewer people actively fly hundreds of feet when hit by lasers or lightning. It's all a bit more static."

LUKE:
"What...do...you...expect...with a pensioner....ruling...the....galaxy....and a...pensioner....writing....inconscistent scripts...to pander....to....the.....kids.....of today..."

VADER:
"Enough!"

VADER lifts the EMPEROR high into the air (amazing, considering the lack of one hand), and for a second his skeleton can be seen underneath the armor.

EMPEROR:
"Cool! JUST...........................................LIKE............................MASTER....................WINDU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U......."

 

[image=http://cinescape.com/multimedia/Master_Site/Movies/Master_SiteMovies294619.jpg]

George: "And so Natalie you'll push out the two babies. They'll be about this big.
And then Ewan, you look really shocked and dismayed. This is because you can't believe she's dying when she's got 2 kids to live for and nothing wrong with her."

Ewan: "Nothing wrong with her? Ha ha."
(Thinks to self: "I'm so lucky this Episode makes me look good, unlike The Phantom Menace.")

Natalie: "Look George, I'm just not sure that Padme would give up so easily, its not consistent with her character. And those babies look really big for newborns... and how will Leia have memories of me if I die right after childbirth?"

 

great stuff

 

Well,this is my first post at all,and I have to say that my english isn't very good,and another thing: I only read the first 30 pages of this tread,so i don't know if anyone has posted it before.I really hope that you like it,because it took me 3 hours to write this down =P.

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Obi-Wan Kenobi: In my experience, there is no such thing as luck.

Han Solo: Good against the remotes is one thing.Good against the living,that's something,er,wait *grabs an original ANH script* Mmm,let's see.Alderaan makes boom!,bla,bla,find your lack,bla,bla.Here! *reads the page carefully* Here says that you will fight only stormtroopers,so...you'll be fine,kid,at least for this movie.

Luke: Really?What else it says?

Han Solo: It says that the old man will be killed by the hands of Darth Vader itself.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: No,It can't be!!!That's Impossible!!!

Luke: Hey,that's my line!.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: So?,what are you going to do?Sue me?Call your daddy for help?Attack me with that color changer saber?I'm Diying in this movie and all you only care for your stupid line....

Luke: No,but I can persue GL to replace you with Ewan Mcgregor in the AE.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ok,ok,I Won't use your line... *for itself* Jeez,hes as annoying as his father.I bet he also hates sand...

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Here is another:

Han Solo: I must have hit close to the mark to get her riled up like that,huh,kid?

Leia: I guess you don't know everything about women yet.

Voice of Qui-Gon Jinn: Anakin,Anakin,noooooooooo!

Both Leia and Luke stare with a blank face.

Voice of Qui-Gon Jinn: Sorry,wrong Skywalker...

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Emperor's Hologram: We have a new enemy,the young rebel who destroyed the Genosian Death Star.I Have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.

Darth Vader: How do you know?

Emperor's Hologram: Jeez,dude,of course I know,I'm a Sith Lord.

Darth Vader: *in a low voice* The only reason that you are a Sith Lord is the rule of two...

Emperor's Hologram: What did you say?

Darth Vader: Nothing,my master.

Emperor's Hologram: Well,where I was?Ah,yes,that young boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker

Darth Vader: Are you sure,my master?

Emperor's Hologram: Jeez,dude,do you have to discuss everything I say?No doubt Obi-Wan tried to kill you in Mustafar.Besides,have you heard him?He's so annoying,like you when you were 9.Both of you have an horrible hair cut,both of you lived in Tatooine.What else do you need?A midiclorian test?

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Hope you like it xD.

 

Peru: "Luke just isn't a farmboy, Lars. He has too much of his father in him."

Lars: "That's what I'm afraid of. What if Luke turns evil and kills us like all those younglings?"

Peru: "Oh, Lars, Luke would never do something like that!"

Lars: "I guess you're right. Well, it's nice to know that if we're ever kidnapped, tortured, and we die in Luke's arms, he'll slaughter whoever did it along with their families and anyone else affiliated with them."

 

TROOPER: How long have you had these droids?

LUKE: About three or four seasons.

BEN: They're for sale if you want them.

TROOPER: Let me see your identification.

BEN: You don't need to see his identification.

TROOPER: We don't need to see his identification.

BEN: These aren't the droids your looking for.

TROOPER: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

BEN: He can go about his business.

TROOPER: You can go about your...

Luke suddenly interupts.

LUKE: Ben wait up, wait up!

Luke whispers something into Ben's ear and giggles.

Ben SIGHS heavily and resumes speaking to the Trooper.

BEN: You want to sell us deathsticks for a reasonable price.

TROOPER: I want to sell you deathsticks for a reasonable price.

LUKE: Yipee!

 

Aunt Beru: "Luke just isn't a farmboy, Lars. He has too much of his father in him."

Uncle Lars: "You mean he's a half man, half machine, power hungry, whinging, changeable, fearful, angry, jealous, good looking young man with strong mother issues and no father to speak of who'd choke his own wife, kill dozens of children, would try to kill his best friend and who'd sell his soul to the Devil?"

Aunt Beru: "Well, I meant he enjoys flying Lars."

Uncle Lars: "Oh, er, um, great kid! Sweet, gentle. Totally normal teenager."

 

Uncle Lars? It's Uncle Owen!

 

[image=http://img177.exs.cx/img177/7028/mthewasanakin3ig.jpg]

[image=http://homepage.mac.com/terbob/blog/anakin.jpg]

[image=http://starwarrior.theforce.ru/encforce/jedi/yoda.jpg]
Yoda: "Premonitions, hmmm, these visions you have. It is the future you see. Someone you know, are close to?"

[image=http://sorenz.dk/Film%202004/anakin%20fra%20episode%203.JPG]
Anakin: "Yes. They are of pain, suffering and loss of limbs. I won't let these visions come true Master Yoda."

Yoda: "Difficult to see. Always in motion the future is. Careful you must be when sensing the future, Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side."

Anakin: "What must I do, Master Yoda? "

Yoda: "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

Anakin: "Like my arms and legs? And handsome goodlooks?"

(Later................)

[image=http://www.canmag.com/images/front/starwars/nrots15.jpg]

Anakin (on the operating table): "Something's happening. This is not the future I saw. I want more! More anaesthetic and better hospital conditions."

 

You're right, its Owen Lars. But Lars is the family name.

PS: Sshhh. There's a post where someone is calling Beru "Peru" Oh no!!

 

Palpatine: What's your medical coverage?

Darth Vader breaks loose of the restraints and stumbles off the platform.

Darth: HMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

 

LOL holy_ben_kenobi

 

LoL @ Hmoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

Star Wars Connections



Young Obi Wan and Qui Gong are like brothers.

They are both friends with Younger Padme. Younger Padme owns an R2 unit.

Qui Gong befriends Really Young Anakin. Really Young Anakin owns a protocol droid.

Young Obi Wan doesn't immediately befriend Really Young Anakin.

Qui Gong dies in Young Obi Wan's arms.

Young Obi Wan and Really Young Anakin then become like father and son. Really Young Anakin leaves his protocol droid behind.

Younger Padme and Really Young Anakin are friends.

Older Obi Wan and Young Anakin will become like brothers.

Young Anakin will get his protocol droid back. Older Padme and Young Anakin are more than friends. Older Padme ends up with Young Anakin's protocol droid. Young Anakin will end up with Older Padme's R2 unit.

Older Padme and Older Obi Wan are still friends.

Young Anakin will think Older Padme and Older Obi Wan are more than friends.

Young Anakin will try to kill Older Padme, which isnt friendly but can happen when you're more than friends.

Older Obi Wan tries to kill Young Anakin. Older Padme will have babies then die .The babies are Really Young Luke and Really Young Leia. Young Anakin doesn't know about this.

Older Obi Wan ends up with Young Anakin's R2 unit, protocol droid, light sabre and kid, Really Young Luke. Older Obi Wan then gives Young Anakin's R2 unit and protocol droid away. Older Obi Wan will keep the light sabre. He will not keep Really Young Luke.

Older Old Obi Wan is left with no friends or anyone who is more than a friend. Even though Older Obi Wan is acqainted with Young Anakin's step-brother and girlfriend, but they are not friends. Older Obi Wan will give one of Young Anakin's kids, Really Young Luke, to Young Anakin's stepbrother and girlfriend.

Dead Force Ghost Qui Gong will be Older Obi Wan's only friend for a long time.

Really Old Obi Wan will give Young Anakin's lightsabre to his first new friend in years, Young Luke. Young Luke will buy Young Anakin's and Older Padme's R2 unit and protocol droid that also belonged briefly to Older Obi Wan and more recently to Young Leia.

Really Old Obi Wan will teach young Luke how to use Young Anakin's light sabre. Old Anakin will kill Really Old Obi Wan and try to kill Young Luke. Young Luke will rescue Young Leia not realising they are both the twin children of Young Anakin and Older Padme. Old Anakin will cut off Young Luke's arm. Young Luke will cut off Old Anakin's arm with Young Anakin's old light sabre.

Young Luke meets a Really Really Old Friend of Really Old Obi Wan's, Yoda.

Young Leia ends up getting the protocol droid back. Young Leia ends up hanging out with a friend of Really Really Old Yoda's, Older Chewbecca.

Finally, Obi Wan's Really Really Old Friend Yoda dies and becomes a force ghost friend of Young Lukes. Young Luke also has another force ghost friend, Really Old Obi Wan.

Young Leia becomes more than friends with Old Chewbaccas new friend, Han Solo.

Old Anakin saves young Luke's life by killing Really Really old Palpatine, who was a very good friend of Young Anakin, ever since he was Really Young. It is good that Old Anakin saved Young Luke's life even though he almost killed him when he was Really Young Unborn Luke. It is good that Really Old Obi Wan taught Young Luke how to fight Old Anakin because even though Old Anakin had Young Luke beat, Old Anakin then decided not to try to kill anymore people, except Really really old Palpatine.


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Summary: Star Wars Connections.

Everybody is interconnected in star wars. The fabric that weaves it all together is ownership of droids and units. The tangled web of friendship is the mere backdrop for the greater issues in this universe:
Who's droid is that?

 

Wow...brilliant thread, I just read through all 82 pages. I can't wait for more of the Phantom Mohawk (funniest. rewrite. ever!) Meanwhile, here's my own little contribution:

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INT. Amidala's Apartment - Night

Obi-Wan: What's going on?

Anakin: She covered the cameras. I don't think she liked me watching her.

Obi-Wan: What is she thinking?

Anakin: She programmed Artoo to warn us if there's an intruder.

Obi-Wan: It's not an intruder I'm worried about. There are many other ways to kill a senator.

Anakin: I know, but we also want to catch this assassin. Don't we, Master?

Obi-Wan: You're using her as bait?

Anakin: Don't worry, no harm will come to her. I can sense everything going on -

Obi-Wan (Interrupting): Wait a minute - how is this bait?

Anakin: Huh?

Obi-Wan: I mean, look at this logically for a minute. It's not like the assassins would know that we turned the cameras off. Which means they wouldn't be any more likely to launch an attack tonight. This is in no way bait.

Anakin: Well...uh, maybe they're...tapping into our security system? So they would know if we turned it off?

Obi-Wan: That's a bit weak, don't you think?

Anakin: Okay, but putting her in a vunerable room with a window that can be easily penetrated by any passing droid...that's kinda like bait, right?

Obi-Wan: No, that's kinda like stupidity.

Anakin (to himself): I *so* can't wait until the OT so I can kill him...