Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Ree Yees, Dec 2, 2002.

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  1. Master_Solo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 20, 2004
    star 1
    ** ROTJ, throne room duel. That bit where Luke leaps into the rafters**

    Luke - Its over Vader, I have the high ground!

    Vader - You underestimate my INTELLIGENCE! *throws lightsabre and Luke falls*

    **Luke hides*

    Vader - You cannot hide forever Luke. Unless your name is Yoda or Obi Wan. Join me..it is the only way to save your sister..from certain death.

    Luke - What the hell kind of a lame excuse to turn to the darkside is THAT?

    Vader - Excuse me?

    Luke - You want ME to became a DARK LORD of the Sith to save my sister who would undoubtably be my enemy when I turn.

    Vader - *thinks for 5 seconds* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  2. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    Anakin: I wanna be the first one to destroy them with a huge Death Star!

    [face_laugh]
  3. SenatorPrincessLeia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2005
    star 2
    Sidious: Premonitions, premonitions. These visions you have ...

    Vadar: They are of pain, suffering, death.

    Sidious: Aha! Good, good. Tell me more. I want details. (cackles)
    Is it yourself you speak of, or someone you know?

    Vadar: Someone I know Master ... falling down an elevator shaft - very dangerous, very messy.

    Sidious: Close to you? Geographically, emotionally, organisationally, biologically?

    Vadar: Yes. I want these visions to come true, Master.

    Sidious: Focus Vadar, is it someone young, blonde, idealistic? Or Just to clarify, is it someone older, crustier, perhaps in this room with you, asking you questions? Someone who's big comfy chair you long to sit in?

    Vadar: No Master. Someone dressed in black. Unsuspecting. Defenseless. No lightsabre. We have a tormented shared history.

    Sidious: I have foreseen it - it is Young Skywalker. Everything is happening exactly as I planned. Focus on your hate and anger.

    Vadar: I hate elevators. They're long, dark and very hard at the bottom.

    Sidious: I will use you as bait and Skywalker will come to us. I have sensed it.

    Vadar: This will be a day long remembered. Once more Sith shall rule the galaxy.
    And we shall have... peace - still.


    Sidious: Those speeches give you focus, make you stronger.

    Lengthen the elevator shaft in preparation for Son of Skywalker's arrival.
    If he will not join us, he will die.




  4. OutlawYoda Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2002
    star 4
    LOL!!!!!!!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] oh my god... I missed this thread! [face_laugh] glad to see its still alive! ^_^ :D :D
  5. SenatorPrincessLeia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2005
    star 2

    Obi Wan: I was wondering if you got my message.

    Anakin: You mean, can my acting fly whats left of this Saga?

    Obi Wan: Would it help if I got out and pushed?

    Anakin: It might. Its not my fault!

    Obi Wan: You were the choosen one, your role was meant to define the Saga, not destroy it.

    Anakin
    : I wasn't cast to watch my fans suffer and die while you debate this on a Discussion Board.

    Obi Wan: I am not a fan!

    Anakin: Prepare the editing room for my arrival. Don't fail me again.



    (cut to Padme's Hotel Suite) to be continued....


  6. Lurking_Around Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    Lengthen the elevator shaft in preparation for Son of Skywalker's arrival.
    If he will not join us, he will die.


    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Haven't visited this thread for a loooong time.

    :D
  7. yankee8255 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 31, 2005
    star 6
    Vader: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.

    Obi: Actually, Ani (you don't mind if i call you Ani, do you?) you weren't my Padawan anymore, you were a full-fledged Jedi with no girly-braided-pony-tail-thing to be seen. In fact, you were on the jedi council, don't you remember? You weren't a master, though. At least I don't think so. But that Youngling called you master before you chopped his head off, so maybe you were. Can't for the life of me remember you becoming one though, would have taken you out for drinks if I had known. Anyway, only a master of evil, Ani. Oh, and by the way, I give that light sabre of yours that I took along on Mustafar to your son, told him you wanted him to have it when he was old enough. Not really true, but it seemed to make his day, so what the heck. Oh, and he thinks you're dead, and I went along with that. Hope it's not a problem for you.
  8. Tachikoma-Kun Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 30, 2005
    star 3
    Not a rewrite per say but.... :

    Some random couple in GFFA visits a local hospital and the doctor has some bad news for them:

    -I'm afraid your newborn son won't become a doctor or a lawyer when he grows up.
    -Uh? But why?
    -Yes too many midichlorians in his blood I'm afraid. His IQ is well...I'm sorry.
    -*gasp!* Oh no! Can't anything be done for him?
    -No, not really unless you are willing to try some drastic measures.
    -Hmm..What did you have in mind exactly?
    -We could chop of his arms and legs and replace them with stiff mechanical parts. That usually brings down the midichlorians to a more acceptable level.
    -*Sniff* No...Anything else you can think of?
    -Hmm..Well..I'm pretty sure the Jediorder would love to have him.

    :p
  9. Darth_Conthhheivable Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2005
    star 1
    Obi-Wan:

    Well of course I know him. He's me.

    I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since before that huge galactic nuclear meltdown that threw all our technology back about fifty years.
  10. SenatorPrincessLeia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2005
    star 2
    (Continued.... Padme's Hotel Suite)


    Obi Wan: He's become a danger - to his own career and yours.

    Padme: He's going to kill the film, isn't he?

    Obi Wan: He's affected your credibility, I'm sorry.

    Padme: I can't believe it!

    Obi Wan: I saw it myself. The Basher Sanctuary .... do you know where he is?

    Padme: No.

    (to be continued....)
  11. SenatorPrincessLeia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 21, 2005
    star 2
  12. Darth_Jaytastic Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 2, 2005
    (Episode 5, Dagobah)

    Obi: I was the same way when you trained me, if you remember.

    Yoda: Remember? Umm, I hate to break it to you, but I never trained you, that was Qui-Gon.

    Obi: Err...right, my bad. Well, what do you expect when you get to live in a hut with a view of a lake, while I'm sweating my brains out in a frickin desert. Appreciate you sending me there, by the way.

    Yoda: Well maybe I wouldn't have sent you there if you had actually followed through and KILLED Vadar, instead of making him more intimidating then before. Way to go.

    Obi: Oh, IM THE ONE that didnt follow through? Hey Yoda, do me a favor and put on your cloak that you wore the last time you went to the Jedi Temple. Oh wait, you cant because you lost it WHEN YOU RAN LIKE A GIRL DURING A FIGHT FOR THE FUTURE OF THE GALAXY. Didnt see that one coming, did you Mr. fortune teller? And speaking of which, why didnt you just tell me to go talk to Padme, instead of giving me these archaic riddles? Newsflash, all the jedi are dead...just tell me where to go instead of beating around the bush!

    Luke (puzzled look on his face): GUYS! What are you two talking about?

    Obi: Jedi business, nothing to see here.

    Yoda: R2, you that is?

    R2: *beeptweerrrpt!* Yes you crusty old green thing! You used to see me all the time 20 years ago, but when I show up on here, you beat me with your cane! Whats up with that?

    Yoda: Well, if you dont like it, then use your rockets are blast on outta here!

    R2: *beepbopnurrrtwip!* Can't, we don't have the cg for it. Darn 1980's.

    Luke: Wait, R2 can fly? Why didnt he use his rockets when he was under water a minute ago...or when he was ambushed on Tatooine? That makes no sense.

    Obi: Neither does having Jar-Jar as a main character in phantom menace. Yoda, tell Luke about cg.

    Yoda: Well, its what made my fights with in the past so cool, made artoo fly around, man obi-wan fight a robot with four sabers and win...basically, abilities that we sure could use right now especially since we're in hiding, but can't because our technology sucks. I mean, maybe I cant hop around because Im old, maybe obi-wan can't fight because he's dead, but what about R2, whats his excuse?

    R2:*reeepbiturghtweet!* Why dont you tell me, Mr. fortune teller, just like you told all of us about the empereor being palpatine?

    Yoda: Gosh I hate it when people throw the fortune teller thing in my face. If you can see the future, why are you hiding? And why are you living so poor when you could just use the winning lottery numbers from tomorrow and make a fortune? Didnt you learn from back to the future 2?

    Obi: Hey Luke, you know how I told you Vadar killed your father? Thats a bunch of crap. Vadar is your father.

    Luke (shocked look on his face): Why did you lie to me?

    Obi: I told you the truth, from a certain point of view

    Luke: Certain point of view? That makes zero sense.

    Obi: You think that doesnt make sense? What about...Leia saying she remember's her mother when her mother died about a minute after Leia was born? Or Leia's mother, who is also your mother (yeah, I left that one out too) dying for no paticular reason? Or how when I fought Vadar in Mustafar there was a bunch of hot lava EVERYWHERE and we didnt get hurt at all from it? Or how Darth Maul just stood there as I jumped over him and cut him, when he could have killed me? Or how Darth Maul lost even though he had the supposed *shakes hands in a sarcastic manner* high ground? Or how in AotC a bunch of Jedi died, but Padme lived even though she would have been the easiest kill by far? Or how that jedi died attacking Jango fett even though he must have known Jango would shoot at him (duh!). Or how Yoda got blasted by force lightning in Palpatine's office, even though Palps held his hands up for a second like he was about to do it (another fortune telling failure). Or how Bail Organa called Yoda "Master" in the asteroid field even though he had just ran from Palps and said he failed? Or how in the next movie Yoda and I arent going to warn you on how Palps main
  13. Lurking_Around Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    *at the clebrations on Endor, after the destruction of Death Star 2*

    Luke: Hey Chewie, Yoda sends you his regards. He's dead, by the way, but he said he'lll always remember all the good relations you guys had.

    Han : [face_plain]

    Leia: o_O

    Chewie: :_|
  14. BrideofVader Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 18, 2005
    star 1
    Vader: When I left you, I was but the learner now I.... [looks across the docking bay and sees a gold protocol droid and a blue astro droid attempting to board the Falcon] those two droids are strangely familiar. Ah well, they all look alike.

    Later, much later, in Cloud City...

    Vader: Hmmm... that protocol droid strapped to the Wookie's back REALLY is familiar. Wookie! Turn around!

    3PO: Oh my!

    Vader: 3PO?

    3PO: I want to go home!

    Vader: Don't you recognize me? Of course not. I've changed quite a bit. It's your old master Ani!

    3PO: The maker! I knew it! I should have been serving the Empire. I told them that surrender was a reasonable alternative.

    Chewie: AUURRRRRGH!

    Vader: My master would be interested in all the secrets you could reveal about the Rebels. You could come back and work on Corruscant for the Emperor!

    3PO: At last! I can live the docile existence for which I was designed. Thank you master Ani, I mean Master Darth Lord Vader.

    Vader: Troopers, take this droid off the Wookie's back and put him on my ship. Get him cleaned up and polished for the Emperor.

    Trooper: Right Away!

  15. BrideofVader Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 18, 2005
    star 1
    ^^^
    Aw dang. I have to rewrite my rewrite... wait, I got it.

    *******************
    Organa: Have the protocol droid's mind wiped.
    3PO: Oh no!
    Antilles: Yes sir. Now, I'll just place this magnet thing around your memory banks.
    3PO: I can't remember what my number is.
    Antilles: You are RQZ7, and you work as a cook.
    3PO: But I can't even boil water!
    Antilles: I suppose I'll have to program you to do that. Never mind, I don't know how to boil water either, and I don't have a programming disk for it. Besides, I don't think that will work with your version of Blast Doors Operating System.
    3PO: I use to know how to communicate with Astro Droids. Can I have that back?
    Antilles: How do you know you knew how to do that?
    3PO: I don't know.
    Antilles: Okay, I'll just stick this program on you. You'll now be fluent in over 6 million forms of communications, but you won't understand human behavior.
    3PO: That will do. Very well, then. What if I want to visit a forest moon inhabitted with little teddy bears. Can I impersonate a deity?
    Antilles: No, it's against your programming.
    3PO: But I'm golden!
    Antilles: That won't matter much. You rust easily.
    3PO: Oh dear. Well, can I still work with R2? He's always getting into trouble. He'd be lost without me.
    Antilles: I'll see what I can do. Astro droids don't have much use for protocol droids, you know, unless it needs a translator.
    3PO: That's why I have been programmed with over 6 million forms of communication and can readily...
    Antilles: Shut up.
    3PO: Shutting up, sir.
    Antilles:Hmmmm... I need a personal massager and you have lovely hands. You can be C3PO again, but you have to oil me down really nicely.
    3PO: I wish I could have my old master Ani back.
    Antilles: What did you say? You don't remember anything. You're mind has been wiped!
    3PO: I just said that I can't wait to massage my new Master Antilles back.
    Antilles: That's better.
  16. BrideofVader Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 18, 2005
    star 1
    I wonder how someone can come to the conclusion that Luke is less whiny than Anakin unless they slept through ANH?
  17. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
    I can't believe RotS took away *all* inspiration :(
  18. Lurking_Around Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    Vader: I've been waiting for you Obi Wan, we meet again at last! When we last met, you had the high ground! Now we both are in the low ground!

    Kenobi: That's because there's no lava here, Ani!

    Vader: Your midichlorians are weak, old man!

    Kenobi: You can't win, Ani. If you strike me down, I'll just use Qui Gon's tricks!

    Vader: Eh, what tricks?

    Kenobi: That you never learn to mind your surroundings!

    *burning pillar suddenly falls on Vader. Then spirit of Qui Gon appears*

    Qui Gon: Excellent! Now go destroy Gotham, Kenobi! Remember, to conquer fear, you must become fear!

    Kenobi: Yes, Darth Al Ghul.

    Qui Gon: Now, if you'll excuse me, I must find my illegitemate French son and then go save Narnia.

    :p
  19. Ree Yees Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2000
    star 5
  20. AmosMoses Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 2005
    star 2
    TARKIN: Where is the Rebel Base?

    LEIA: Uhhhhh, ummmm, it?s on Naboo, yeah it?s on Naboo. That?s right, blow up Naboo.

    VADER: It can?t possibly be on Naboo. Naboo is peaceful. They only have a few incompetent security guards. They have no army. The idiot people there live in a symbiotic relationship with idiotic gungans. Sigh. Ahhh, Naboo. The women there grow to be as beautiful as angels and are elected queen at the age of 12. Splendid place, Naboo??

    TARKIN: Uhhhh, Lord Vader, can we contin?

    VADER: Rolling green hills! Fields of grass just waiting to be frolicked in! <sniff, sniff> To once again be a carefree padawan on Naboo, to once again fling woo at snobbish senators, to once again picnic in the grass with the warm Naboobian sun on my face. Alas for the days of youth. Sigh.

    TARKIN: Vader! Please, stop this nonsense. As I was saying---

    VADER: I once saved Naboo, you know. Well, I wasn?t trying to, it was kind of an accident. But I saved the day! Me, sweet little Annie, they couldn?t have won without my accidental piloting skills. It was so wizard. I saved the whole planet, but?but?ultimately I?I?I couldn?t?I couldn?t save her! <begins to cry uncontrollably> WAAAAAAHHHHH! It?s not fair! WAAAAHHHH!

    TARKIN: <rolls eyes> Not again, Lord Vader. Come here. Who?s my big boy, who?s my big boy?

    VADER: <sniff, sniff> Me.

    TARKIN: That?s right. And big boys don?t cry, we blow up planets. Set course for Naboo and we will demonstrate the power of this new Space Station.

    VADER: You don?t mean?blow up Naboo?

    TARKIN: Yes.

    VADER: NOOOOOOOooooOOOOOoOOOoooOOOOOOOooOOOOOoooOOOOO!!!
  21. emporergerner Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2005
    star 4
    hahahahahahah I think im gonna cry.




    Emporer Gerner Dark Lord of the Sith



  22. Winston_Sith Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 8, 2004
    star 4
    Palpatine: I have said it before, and I will say it again until it drives you absolutely crazy... you are the most talented Jedi I have ever met...
    Anakin: Excuse me, your Excellency...
    Palpatine: I foresee you becoming the Greatest of all the Jedi...
    Anakin: Your Excellency!
    Palpatine: Even more powerful than MASTER YODA.
    Anakin: Master!! ...erm, I mean "your Excellency"...
    Palapatine: Yes, Anakin...
    Anakin: Forgive me, Chancellor, but, to a Jedi... the thought of becoming "the Greatest of all Jedi"? WHOOP-TEE-DOOOO!!!
    Palpatine: What are you saying?
    Anakin: Because I AM THE CHOSEN ONE of the Prophesy, I can see that YOU are the Sith Master, whom Master Yoda and Master Windu were seeking ten years ago!! I know that you will bring tyranny and oppressionto the galaxy!!! In truth, and not through dismal the lens of your flattering temptations, "your Excellency", I can see, more clearly than the terrifying dreams of my own mother's demise, that YOU will bring on a destructive conflict that shall last for decades on end, and I can no longer associate with you!!!
    <Anakin storms out of the Chancellor's office>
    Palpatine: "Blast! You really blew that one! <Sidious voice>.Oh... welll... Time to send "Master Kenobi" a case off corellian ale....<Sidious laugh>
  23. Lurking_Around Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 6
    *on Dagobah, in ROTJ: Luke is talking with Kenobi's spirit*

    Luke: You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

    Kenobi: Hey, I just left out a couple of details. Like, Yoda isnt really my real Master, it was Qui Gon. Who was also Yoda's master. In fact, he is, like, the Force Messiah or something. Heh, Force Messiah sounds like a Frank Herbert book...anyway, he enabled the midichlorians to communicate more effectively, thus alowing ol Yoda and me to dissapear after death and this whole Force Ghost deal.

    Luke: Qui Gon? Midichlorians? Frank who?

    Kenobi: See, told you I just left out a few details. Oh, wait 'till I reveal more about your family! Your mother lost the will to live and left you and your sister to strangers!

    Luke: My sister???

    Kenobi: Leia.

    Luke: But...

    Kenobi: Yes, you kissed her, at least twice on-screen. Or is it three times?

    Luke: But I didn't know she was my....why didn't you tell me...

    *Luke raised his arms*

    Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
  24. Commander5052 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 28, 2005
    star 4
    Red Leader: You'll do fine Luke. I served with your father during the Clone Wars. He was the whiniest guy I ever met.
    Luke: Uhhh, Thanks?
  25. yankee8255 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 31, 2005
    star 6
    BEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have
    this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it... Actually, that's a complete lie. Your father never even knew you were born, and oddly didn't seem to interested in that anyway. After I lopped off his three remaining limbs and left him to die on a volcano, I saw it laying around, thought I'd hold onto it as a momento. I toyed around with the idea of fusing it to mine, making it into a double-ended sabre like the one this cool sith guy had once, but i couldn't figure out how to do that. So I've just held on to it as a sovenir from the good old days, and one of the few duels I was ever in in which I didn't get my ass handed to me. Just collecting dust now. You want it?
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