Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

The So-Special-I'm-Charging-Double-the-price Edition version of the above:

BEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it... Actually, that's a complete lie. I lopped off his three remaining limbs and left him to die on a volcano, but wouldn't you know it, the Emperor (who is also a Sith and can shoot force lightning, by the way) managed to rescue him. A friend of mine and I were hhoping you'd take this and finish the job for us. We realise that at first you may not want to kill your own father, so we had someone prepare three movies about your Dad so you could see what a whiny jerk he was. The movies aren't really very good, but are really true to this guy's original vision.

 

47. INT. STAR WARS - THE SAGA EDITION - CONFERENCE ROOM.

Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference table, the Lucasfilm logo is prominantly featured in the center. Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. Commander Tagge, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking.

TAGGE

Until this Saga is fully computer animated we are vulnerable. The hardcore fanbase is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

The bitter Admiral Motti twists nervously in his chair.

MOTTI

Dangerous to your fanfiction, Commander, not to this Saga!

TAGGE

The fanbase will continue to gain a support thanks the Original Trilogy as long as...

Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Tagge's speech is cut short and the Grand Moff Tarkin, editor of DVD region 1, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Vader. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking editor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands behind him.

TARKIN

The Original Trilogy will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Lucas has replaced Sir Alec Guinness with Ewan McGregor permanently. The last remnants of the Old Trilogy have been swept away.

TAGGE

That's impossible! How will Lucas maintain the artistic credibility of the Saga without Sir Alec Guiness?

TARKIN

Regional editors now have direct control over their DVD territories. Fear will keep the critics in line. Fear of additional alternations.

TAGGE

And what of the fanbase? If the hardcore fans have obtained a complete technical readout of this Saga, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and re-edit it.

VADER

The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

MOTTI

Any edit made by the fanbase against this Saga would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This Saga is now the ultimate series in the universe. I suggest we distribute it!

VADER

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a classic is insignificant next to the opinion of the Fans.

 

Still the best thread on the site.

 

Bravo Ulicus!

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a classic is insignificant next to the opinion of the Fans

 

Brilliant

I should really get some work done on a proper ROTS rewrite to complete my 'crapuels', but that movie annoys me so much, I'm afraid I'll go overboard with the bashing at the expense of the humor.
But I'll try.

No wait, do or do not, there is no try.

I'll do it.

 

Pleeeease Sillyname, do it! Do it now!!!!

 

Red Leader (to Luke): I knew your father during the Clone Wars. You'll do alright.
Luke: Really?
Red Leader: No, I lied. I could have known your father, but Lucas decided to edit out that line by having a tech walk in front of me when editing the Trilogy.
Luke: Oh.

 

BEN: You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan.

LUKE: (laughing) Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is.

BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. Although Count Dooku was quite a bit older and he still managed to kick ass. Maybe he took vitains...

LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here.

BEN: That's your uncle talking.

LUKE: (sighing) Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain this?

BEN: Learn about the Force, Luke.

LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.

BEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course. Besides, becoming a Jedi means taking a vow of celibacy. Really sucks. You don't many times I wanted to have my way with Aayla Secura. May have been green and had pointy horn things on her head, but man did she have a rack.

 

<Luke sees Vader standing atop the stairs in the Carbon-freezing chamber, the sound of Vader?s ominous breathing fills the room, Luke moves to confront his enemy>

VADER: The force is strong with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.

<Luke begins to climb the stairs>

VADER: It?s over Luke. I have the high ground.

LUKE: Huh?

VADER: Don?t try it.

<Luke reaches the top of the stairs>

LUKE: Don?t try what?

VADER: Damn.

 

Obi-Wan: I thought I could train him just as well as Yoda... I was wrong...

Luke: Becuase he went to the dark side?

Obi-Wan: *sighs* Yes, he went to th... hang on, Count Dooku went to the dark side... I've been beating myself up over being such a terrible teacher all these years and Yoda was just as bad!

Yoda: What know you of bad? For eight HUNDRED years have I failed Jedi! My own counsel will I keep on who is to be told!

OR alternatively:

Obi-Wan: I thought I could train him just as well as Yoda... I was right

Luke: Huh?

Obi-Wan: Yoda's prime pupil also fell to the dark side

Luke: So, Yoda's pupil fell... your pupil fell... and I've been trained by both of you?

Obi-Wan: That's right

Luke: I have a bad feeling about this

 

They should re-edit the OT so that Vader shouts "NOOOOO!" thus reflecting more of the PT.

Tarkin: Vader, release him!

Vader: NOOOOOO!

***

Emperor: The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.

Vader: NOOOOOOOO!

***

Luke: Then my father is truly dead.

Vader: NOOOOOOO!

 

Now that we know more about the twins Mom, we should see more of a resemblance to her with a splash of Daddy Anakin for good measure) in the twins in the OT:

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- LARS HOMESTEAD.

The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Luke jumps out and runs to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has
taken place.

LUKE: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen!

Luke stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smoldering remains.

LUKE: NOOOOOOOOO!

Luke then keels over. A ubiquitoulsy present medical droid examines him.

MEDICAL DROID: He lost the will to live.


A short time later:

INTERIOR: DEATH STAR -- CONTROL ROOM.

Tarkin waves menacingly toward Leia.

TARKIN: I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?

Leia overhears an intercom voice announcing the approach to Alderaan.

LEIA: (softly) Dantooine.

Leia lowers her head.

LEIA: They're on Dantooine.

TARKIN: There. You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. (addressing Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.

LEIA: What?

TARKIN: You're far too trusting. Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your Rebel friends soon enough.

LEIA: No!

INTERIOR: DEATH STAR -- BLAST CHAMBER.

VADER: Commence primary ignition.

A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled. Vader reaches for still another lever
and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Alderaan. The small green
planet of Alderaan is blown into space dust. Leia then keels over. A ubiquitoulsy present medical droid examines her.

MEDICAL DROID: She lost the will to live.

 

That had me in stitches... I actually adore the PT... and it still had me in stitches.

 

<R2-D2 has just finished playing Princess Leia?s urgent message. Old Ben strokes his beard thoughtfully>

LUKE: We need to help the princess!

OBI-WAN: Be wary of the princess, she is a politician and not to be trusted.

LUKE: But she carries information vital to the survival of the Rebellion. She needs help to get it to her father.

OBI-WAN: Her father is the leader of Alderaan and also a politician. He is not to be trusted. It is not our place to get involved with the Rebellion. We will not exceed our mandate, my young padawan learner.

LUKE: I meant in?..padawan learner? ?. I meant in the interest of protecting her, Master, of course. Why else do you think you were asked to help her, if not to bring down the Empire? Droid escort is a job for local security?.not Jedi. It's overkill, Ben. Assisting the Rebellion is implied in our mandate.

OBI-WAN: You will learn your place young one.

LUKE: Sorry, but I just want to help her. I hate the Empire, I want to help bring it down.

OBI-WAN: Yes, the Empire needs to be destroyed, the Emperor used to be a politician and he is not to be trusted.

LUKE: So who is left to be trusted?

OBI-WAN: Apparently the crazy old hermit with your dead father?s lightsaber.

 

[image=http://waxy.org/random/images/weblog/HaydenJedi.jpg]

Obi Wan whispers to Yoda: "I'm getting too old for this."

Yoda: "Less whingey the poster boy now is."

Obi Wan: "This partys over."

 

LMAO can you just imagine if that really happened? XD

 

Given that all his training by Yoda and Ben got Luke was getting his butt fried by the Emperor until daddy stepped in, maybe training by JarJar wouldn't be so bad: Luke could just stumble his way through the throne room he bumps into a blaster taking out Palps, a la JJ vs. the droid army. LUKE: Meesa bombad da Emperor!

 

179.

INT. THRONE ROOM

VADER lies in the lap of his son, LUKE.

LUKE: i know youre dying dad. but before you do, can you tell me about my mom?

VADER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LUKE: please dad. my sister says she remembers her but i dont believe her.

VADER: what did she say?

LUKE: that she was sad and beautiful.

VADER: hmmm, i dont know how she would know that if padme died right after birth. but she WAS a definite hottie. and oh man, she was freaky luke! you shoulda seen what she could do with her legs. she was luke a gymnast... i think obi-wan had the hots for her too. oh luke, i know youre tight with obi-wan. tell him i really, really, really wanna be a force ghost. note to self: if i become a force ghost, ask obi-wan if he slept with padme.

LUKE: I'm sure he didnt dad.

VADER: dont underestimate the power of an english accent. naboobian women find it irresistible.

LUKE: i'll try and remember that. so tell me more about mom.

VADER: we met a long, long time ago, when i was but a wee lass... and even then i had mad social skillz. now son, if you want to pick up a girl, dont forget this line [clears throat]: are you an angel? it works every time. she even remembered me 10 years later!... i worked for a small, flying creature building stuff. you know that british droid that always follows you around, yeah that was me. sorry about him. especially his unneccessary and cringe-worthy jokes on Geonosis. but you dont know what the hell i'm talking about, do you?

LUKE: no. sorry.

VADER: anyway, padme wore the most outlandish and ridiculous outfits you've ever seen. you think leia's hair is out there? just look at some old holograms of padme and you'll see what i mean. its genetic.

LUKE: how did she die?

VADER: well, apparently i choked her on a volcano planet, and then i fought with obi-wan, he won - bastard! - and then the evil emperor put this suit on me. sorry it looks so scary. i didnt pick it out. i would have chosen one that accentuated my eyes more. wasnt that the fukking bomb when he brought out his lightning. dont feel bad though, it scared the sh!t outta me too the first time.

LUKE: you killed mom? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

VADER: thats what palps said anyway. i'm sorry son... i love you.

LUKE: thats only because i'm so in love wih you.

VADER: dont start with me!

They share a hearty laugh. Vader falls dead to the floor, and Luke lets out one final: 'NOOOOOOOOO!'


180.

EXT. ENDOR

more to follow...

 

You all are funny

 

Luke:There is still good in you
Vader: Your no-good-dirty-rotten-leg-arm-stealing master once thought as you do

 

Luke: There is still good in you.
Vadar: No loose wire yokes.

 

Obi Wan: He was the best Star Pilot in the galaxy...Annie was a good friend.

Luke: Annie? My father's name was Annie?!

 

Like mother, like daughter...


While Leia is in the Hoth control room, the Rebels realize they are under attack. Leia rushes to action by pressing a button to direct pilots to their ships, pressing the same button to fire the Ion cannons, again pressing the same button to communicate with troops and pressing the same button once more to order an evacuation.