Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Ree Yees, Dec 2, 2002.

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  1. AmosMoses Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 2005
    star 2
    Tarkin: The regional governors now have direct control over their territories.
    Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

    Vader: Fear of power - unlimited power.


    [face_laugh]Good stuff!


    Luke is roaring down the trench in his X-Wing, pushing the limits of his
    spacecraft in a hopeless attempt to reach the exhaust port of the Death
    Star and unleash the shot that can destroy the deadliest weapon in the
    galaxy. The Evil Lord of the Sith Darth Vader is closing in fast, blasting
    Luke?s wingmen out of the air. It is in this moment, when all hope is lost,
    that the voice of Ben reaches out of the nothingness and passes all
    the wisdom gathered in the prequels on to Luke.

    BEN? VOICE: Luke! Hit the Death Star?s center eye!

    LUKE: [face_plain]


  2. Panakas_Dawg Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 29, 2004
    star 5
    "Death Star's center eye." hehehehe



    Yoda: Told you, did he?

    Luke: Yes

    Yoda: Unexpected this is, and unfortunate

    Luke: Unfortunate that I know the truth?

    Yoda: No! Unfortunate that now plotholes uncovered you have.

    Luke: You mean like why Ben only changed his first name and not his last...and how I was sent to live with relatives of my father on the same planet the Jedi found him without changing my name...and...

    Yoda: Yes, yes. Foresight we had not. Foreshadowing we had not. VCR with rewind button we had not. DVD player with pause and zoom capabilities we had not. Failed we have.

    Luke: No, Master Yoda. You have trained me well. Plotholes mean nothing.

    Yoda: Your mother. Died she did after giving birth. Yet, remember her your sister will. However, sense *her* not your father will. Dangerous and disturbing this tragedy is.

    Luke: Well...exactly how deep into the plot are we talking?

    Yoda: Your stubby droid?

    Luke: Yeah?

    Yoda: Your mother's.

    Luke: Oh....

    Yoda: Met have you an effeminate, golden protocol droid?

    Luke: 3PO?

    Yoda: Your father's.

    Luke: Remind me to kick Old Ben's ghostly ass next time he wants to tell me a bedtime story.
  3. TCG Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2005
    star 2
    good stuff, panaka.
  4. AmosMoses Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 2005
    star 2
    Yoda: Yes, yes. Foresight we had not. Foreshadowing we had not. VCR with rewind button we had not. DVD player with pause and zoom capabilities we had not. Failed we have.

    [face_laugh] HA!



    INTERIOR ? TATTOOINE, BEN?S HUT

    Ben has just given Luke his father?s lightsaber and lied to him about how cool Luke?s dad really was.

    BEN: Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, R2-D2, my little white and blue friend with whom I?ve shared so many adventures. And where you come from, I?m guessing Alderaan.

    LUKE: I saw part of the message he was...

    BEN: I seem to have found it. Oh no...

    R2-D2?s rockets ignite! He flies out of control, smashing into walls and knocking over everything in sight inside Ben?s hut, chaos ensues. Ben chases after him with a broomstick, conveniently forgetting to use the force when dealing with droids. C-3PO heroically dives and grabs R2-D2 out of the air, but R2-D2 squirts oil all over the protocol droid! As C-3PO comically flails and staggers about, trying to stay upright on the slippery, slippery oil, he lets R2-D2 go and R2-D2?s rockets ignite the oil and engulf C-3PO in an inferno of flames. Luke hurries to try and extinguish C-3PO and yells out instructions to Ben about stopping R2-D2.

    LUKE: Hit the nose!

    Ben snags R2-D2 out of the air and hits the nose. R2-D2?s rockets disengage and he settles to the ground and begins to play the message from the Princess. Luke watches the hologram while continuing to put out the remaining flames on C-3PO.

    LEIA?S HOLOGRAM: Jedi Master Kenobi, years ago my father, Jimmy Smits, never talked and stood in the background during meetings while you fought CG droids in the Clone Wars. I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed, obviously, since you're not on Alderaan. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit; I can only hope he hasn?t flown off with it. You must see this droid safely delivered to Jimmy Smits on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour, we really need a good movie after the last three. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

    Ben strokes his beard thoughtfully after the message is done, just like Ewan McGregor used to.

    BEN: You must learn the ways of the prequels if you're to come with me to Alderaan.

    LUKE: Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is. Plus, I?m gonna have to explain to Uncle Owen why our new R2 unit torched our new protocol droid. Maybe I?ll just tell him C-3PO went on some damned fool idealistic crusade, I?m sure Uncle Owen will believe that.

    BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. Leave your droid, he can?t be helped. Screw ?em.

    LUKE: What!? Just leave him here, still smoldering and alive? Not help him out or at least put him out of his misery?

    BEN: Yup, leave him. What?s the worst that can happen? Someone finds him and rebuilds him into the evilest droid in the galaxy? HA! I?d like to see that. Now, let?s go. Wait...he doesn?t by chance have a lightsaber we can take, does he? Ah, nevermind. Let?s go.

    Luke looks down at the helpless droid. Smoke still rising from him, both legs and one arm completely melted away by the fury of R2-D2?s rockets.

    LUKE: You were Uncle Owen?s Chosen Droid! You were too bring efficiency and order to our moisture farm with your ability to speak Bocce, not leave it in confusion!

    C-3PO is desperately trying to crawl after Luke, Ben and R2-D2 with his one remaining arm. Luke?s expression is sad.

    LUKE: You were my brother C-3PO, and that?s truer than I know. I loved you.

    C-3PO: I hate you, sir Luke.

    Ben, Luke and R2-D2 turn and leave the hut. R2-D2 beeps and boops sound curiously like laughter.

    C-3PO: And **** you, R2-D2.

    INTERIOR ? DEATH STAR, HANGAR

    VADER: I sense C-3PO is in danger.

    INTERIOR ? TATTOOINE, BEN?S HUT

    Vader enters the hut flanked by CG Clonetroopers and sees the lovable droid he built as little tyke lying on the ground, s
  5. Panakas_Dawg Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 29, 2004
    star 5
    Leia: Luke, tell me. What's troubling you?

    Luke: Vader is here, now, on this moon.

    Leia: How do you know?

    Luke: I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near. He is my father. He was a slave. He was found by the Jedi. He was seduced by the Dark Side. He slaughtered sandpeople and Jedi alike. He was married in secret. He fathered a son and a daughter. You are my sister. He built 3PO...

    Leia: Hold on, Mr. Shatner. Back that up a minute.
  6. ceridwen1977 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 7, 2005
    star 3
    BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. Leave your droid, he can?t be helped. Screw ?em.

    LUKE: What!? Just leave him here, still smoldering and alive? Not help him out or at least put him out of his misery?

    BEN: Yup, leave him. What?s the worst that can happen? Someone finds him and rebuilds him into the evilest droid in the galaxy? HA! I?d like to see that. Now, let?s go. Wait...he doesn?t by chance have a lightsaber we can take, does he? Ah, nevermind. Let?s go


    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] :_|

    That was so funny I cried a real tear [face_laugh]
  7. RogueScribner Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 17, 2004
    star 4
    Vader: The Emperor has been expecting you.

    Luke: I know, Father.

    Vader: So you have accepted the truth.

    Luke: I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.

    Vader: That name no longer has any meaning for me. I was a different person back then. Younger. More impetuous. Some would say naive. Ah, the innocence of youth . . .

    Luke: "Innocence?" Did you not slaughter an entire tribe of Tusken Raiders and murder an unarmed--*snicker*--opponent while under the guise of a Jedi Knight?

    Vader: You are mistaken! Who has filled your head with lies?

    Luke: Ben says--

    Vader: Obi-Wan! He was like a father to me. I HATE HIM!

    Luke: Hey now, calm down there pops . . .

    Vader: It's all Obi-Wan's fault! He never loved me.

    Luke: Didn't mother love you?

    Vader: No, I don't think she did either. I think she had a mental illness of sorts.

    Luke: That's . . . sad.

    Vader: She was pretty. I get excited just by remembering . . .

    Luke: What?

    Vader: You'll think it's stupid.

    Luke: Try me.

    Vader: When I choked her.

    Luke: Eesh.

    Vader: What? She turned the most lovely shade of blue . . .

    Luke: Yeah, okay, I think we're done here.

    Vader: Don't get all righteous with me, boy. I never lusted after my sister.

    Luke: I didn't know!

    Vader: You knew. With the Force, you always know.

    Luke: Well, okay, I had an inkling.

    Vader: Aha!

    Luke: She tastes like strawberries.

    Vader: The Emperor will show you the true nature of strawberries. He is your master now.

    Luke: Bator.

    Vader: Excuse me?

    Luke: Nothing.

    Vader: Juvenile humor and snide remarks get people beheaded.

    Luke: Then my father is truly dead.

    Vader: Don't worry, he'll be back in ghost form sooner than you think.

    Luke: What?

    Vader: Nothing. You'll see. *signals to stormtroopers to take Luke away*




  8. jedi_john_33 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2003
    star 7
    Obi-Wan: These are not the droids you're looking for.
    Stormtrooper: Yes they are.
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