CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

Qui-Gon: I'm Qui-Gon Jinn. I was Obi-Wan's master.
Luke: But Obi-Wan said Yoda was his master.
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan speaks "from a certain point of view." You should know that by now.

 

Yeah, it sure would've been nice if the old toad had warned him about that before croaking.

 

More Obi-Wan on Anakin:

"He was the best pod racer in the galaxy. And a cunning warrior. And her was a um...friend. Actually more of a co-worker".

"When I first met your father I was amazed by his midichlorian count. It was off the charts. I took it upon myself to train him. I thought I could instruct him just as well as Qui-Gon. I was wrong."
Luke: "Are you drunk? I don't understand any of that!"

 

Obi Wan- "You shall go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed the master of my master, who instructed me"


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"Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day you nearsighted scrap pile!"
R2 activates his rockets & flies away

 

Ben: You cannot escape your destiny. You must face Darth Vader again.
Luke: Any advice?
Ben: It's all about getting the high ground. Do that & you've won.
Luke: The...what ground? How do I do that?
Ben: Climb onto something. Anything. A table, a ladder. Doesn't matter.
Luke: Hmm that could be difficult.
Ben: The problem you have Luke is you're a short-ass. What're you like 5'6"? Vader already has the high ground.
Luke: It's not fair!
Ben: Use the Force Luke. Use your athletic ability. Vader is slow & clumsy. Leap up onto something. Be careful though. If you claim the high ground he'll probably throw his lightsaber through the air at you to knock you back down. He knows more than anyone how valuable the high ground is.
Luke: Okay I'll watch out for that.
Ben: If you can force him to the floor then the high ground is yours. Don't waste a moment. Attack him furiously until he yields.
Luke: Good advice. Ok I'd better get going...

 

Luke: "leia, do you remember your mother?"
Leia: "no, idiot you spent more time with her than i did"

 

Luke: Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

Obi-Wan: Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good — well, O.K. — man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.

Luke: [incredulously] A certain point of view?

Obi-Wan: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. Anakin was a good friend; well, not actually that good a friend ...

[After a while]

Luke: [shocked] I don't believe it!

Obi-wan: [annoyedly] That whining; I hate it when you do that! Patience; use the Force; think! After all, I haven't even started yet!

 

*Leia kisses Luke*

R2 sees this, flips out, and shocks both of them.

 

Bartender: "No droids here! They'll have to wait outside!"
Luke: "What? Why"
Bartender: "Because droids are evil. They killed my mama in the Clone Wars! WAH!!!!!"

 

LUKE: Come with me.

VADER: Your mother once thought as you do. You don't know the...

LUKE: My mother asked you to come with her?

VADER: Yes.

LUKE: And you refused?

VADER: .....................I must obey my master!

LUKE: BS! You're just using that as an excuse. Be honest, pops. You didn't want anything to do with her, did you? Was it 'cause she got pregnant? Well, I've got news for you, pal: YOU got her pregnant! Show some backbone and take responsibility!

VADER: (through gritted teeth) You don't know what you're...

LUKE: Save it. I see right through you, old man - and I do not like what I see.
Not
one
bit.
You never wanted kids, did you? No, you want your freedom. You're a one-night stand kind of guy. A girl in every port and all that crap. My mother meant nothing to you. She was just another... *croak*

VADER: (fuming) I...LOVED...HER!!

(He let's Luke go)

LUKE: *huge gasp, Grievous-style coughing* ...OK, so you loved her. My mistake.
...So what the hell happened to her?

VADER: Obi-Wan turned her against me.

LUKE: Obi-Wan tu... Hang on - Did they... you know?

VADER: (taken aback) ......Obviously! Yeah! Yes, they did. (whispering) Yes, they did!

LUKE: Oh. Wow. That crazy old wizard just keeps on lying, doesn't he? Son of a...
So, you might not be my biological father after all?

VADER: ......Maybe.

LUKE: Huh. That's... messed up, man. I feel for you.

(They stand quietly side by side for a moment, just staring at the forest)

LUKE: Well, so what! Who cares if we're not blood-related? As far as I can tell, you're a way more dedicated father than that lyin' old weirdo. I'm with you now!

VADER: Terrific! So, what do you say we get up there and overthrow that wrinkly *******?

LUKE: Sure thing... dad!

VADER: Oh, you...!

(They enter the elevator together)

LUKE: (as the door closes) How did my mother die?

 

Ooh, I don't want to see what's in the elevator when the doors open again.

 

C-3PO: "Thank the maker!"
Darth Vader: "You're welcome..."

 

Yoda: "Feel the force around you, you must. The rock, the tree, you, me, between. Everywhere, yes, even the land and the ship, between". *Disgruntled facial expression with every syllable*.

 

Vader: "I HATE YOU, Captain Needa."

Ben Kenobi: "I don't remember ever owning a droid"
R2: "Beeps..whistles <translation>You LIAR! We spent years together, I thought we were friends! If you're gonna blank me like that, I'm gonna play the Princess' transmission in 240p!"</translation>

 

Obviously, in the PT Anakin/Vader was self-centred, charmless dullard, so lets carry that in to an alternative OT:

Vader: "I find your lack of belief in the force stupid"

Vader: "The force is with you, Skywalker...but you're no match for me, I am the most powerful Sith lord ever"

Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father...
Luke: "He told me enough, he told me YOU killed him!"
Vader: "He's a liar! I'm your father...He really told you that? I hate him, I hate Obi Wan so much!"

 

"Obi Wan Kenobi? I haven't gone by that name since oh, sometime after you were born"

 

Voice: We're sending a squad up.
Han Solo: Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a minute to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous.
Voice: Who is this? What's your operating number?
Han Solo: FN-2187. Does it work?

(I know it's about the 3rd trilogy but whatever...)

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Vader: We would be honored if you would join us!
[Han fires his blaster, Vader deflects the shots & summons the weapon out of Han's grip]
[They all sit at the table, the doors close behind them]
Leia: What do you want with us Vader?
Vader: No need to discuss that right away Princess. We've prepared some food & some refreshment for you.
Han: We're not interested!
Vader: I insist.
[Leia, Han & Chewie reluctantly take a sip of their drinks]
[An apple levitates into the air & flies across into Vader's hand]
Vader: So, [cutting the apple] how was your trip here? It's a long journey without hyperdrive.
Han: We're not interested in small talk pal.
[Vader raises a hand & a piece of apple floats through the air & onto the fork of Chewie who shoves it in his mouth]
Vader: If the Emperor caught me doing this he'd be very grumpy!
Han: Can we skip straight to the torture? Anythin's better than this!

 

This one wins for me, hands down.

 

I concur!!!!!

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Technically R2-D2 belonged to Padmé, so I see no contradiction.

 

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Lord Vader, the Death Star is orbiting Tatooine.

VADER: I grew up on Tatooine since I was very little: three, I think. My Mom and I were sold to Gardola the Hutt, but he lost us betting on the pod races.

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: You were a slave?

VADER: I was a person, and my name was Anakin! It's not fair!

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: My apologies, Lord Vader! Did you ever return to Tatooine?

VADER: No, it's a desert planet, and I don't like sand. It's rough and course and gets everywhere. . .unlike here.

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Yes, Lord Vader.

VADER: But my step-brother Owen and his girlfriend Beru live there. We should send them a fruit basket.

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Yes, Lord Vader.

VADER: Be sure to get to the old homestead quickly. Sandstorms are very, very dangerous. Did I mention that I don't like sand?

GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Yes, Lord Vader, several times!