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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Darth Downunder, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. BenYodaDagobah

    BenYodaDagobah Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 20, 2016
    Vader: Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her.
    Tarkin: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative method of extraction.
    Vader: What do you mean?
    Tarkin: Bor Gullet. Bor Gullet can feel your thoughts. Bor Gullet will know the truth.

    (Storyline cut from RO: Bor Gullet steals a ship, leaves Jedha before the Death Star fires, then begins working for the Empire)
     
  2. MidKnighT

    MidKnighT Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    May 23, 2005
    LUKE: Still... there's something familiar about this place. I feel like... I don't know...

    STRANGE VOICE: Feel like what?

    LUKE: (looking at the creature) Like we're being watched!

    CREATURE: Oh... No worry. Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.

    *Luke glances over at R2 and puts his face in his palm.* *R2 makes a long sad beep*

    CREATURE: Oh moey moey, wesa go on adventures together. Wesa friends.

    LUKE: *sighs*

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    *Luke lays on the ground unconscious. Obi-Wan begins to walk towards the sand people but instead of making a dragon call he shouts in plain English*

    OBI-WAN: I'm a jedi like Anakin Skywalker!

    *The sand people scurry and run away. They've all heard stories of the angry jedi, more dangerous than any dragon*

    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    *Luke and his two mechanical servants follow Ben Kenobi into the smoke-filled Mos Eisley Cantina. Ben stops to survey the room to look for familiar faces. His eyes lock with a strange creature with mechanical spider legs. He then realizes it is Darth Maul*

    BEN: Aww crap.

    *double sided red lightsaber ignites*
     
  3. Dark Ferus

    Dark Ferus Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Jul 29, 2016
    Darth Vader- "Your powers are weak, old man. It doesn't look like there's any high ground around here."

    Luke and Palpatine

    "I will never turn to the dark side."

    "It's treason then."


    Leia and Han

    "Could you tell Luke, is that who you could tell?"

    "Han, you're breaking my heart! You're going down a path I cannot follow!"

    "Because of Luke?"

    "Because of what you've done! Come back, I love you!"

    "Liar, you're with him!"

    Han grabs Leia and starts choking her.

    Luke shows up.

    "Let her go, Han!"

    "You will not take her from me!"

    "Your smart remarks and need to shoot first have already done that!"
     
  4. MidKnighT

    MidKnighT Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    May 23, 2005
    LUKE: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that!

    HAN: But who's going to fly it, kid! You?

    LUKE: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself! I've raced pods at Boonta Eve.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    HAN: Then we've got to find a safe port somewhere around here. Got any ideas?

    LEIA: No. Where are we?

    HAN: The Anoat system.

    LEIA: Anoat system. There's not much there. Wait what about Naboo?

    *Han and Leia look at each other...*

    HAN AND LEIA: Gungans! Ugh...

    HAN: Ya we'll find somewhere else.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    CONTROLLER: General, there's a fleet of Star Destroyers coming out of hyperspace in sector four.

    RIEEKAN: Reroute all power to the energy shield. We've got to hold them till all transports are away. Prepare for ground assault.

    DERLIN: Sweet, ground assault. Those 1 million clones of Luke we just purchased from Kamino are really going to pay off here. Have 200 Lukes man the snow speeders and send 100,000 Lukes on the ground in the first wave of our defense. Oh, and also send 200 Lukes in X-wing fighters to attack the Star Destroyers.

    Later...

    VADER: "The force is with you young Skywalkers but you are not jedis yet."

    *200 Lukes ignite lightsabers*
     
  5. SateleNovelist11

    SateleNovelist11 Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2015
    "Master Yoda, you can't die!"
    "Who you think am I? Darth Plagueis?"
     
  6. MidKnighT

    MidKnighT Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    May 23, 2005
    MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion...

    TARKIN: Stop! Enough of this! Did you not see what happened just a short time ago? *hits button, projector screen comes down, plays the end of Rogue One*

    MOTTI: Holy crap! That was awesome! OK Lord Vader, you are truly one bad dude. I'll shut my mouth now.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    *The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored spacesuited stormtroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.

    In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laserfire. The deadly bolts ricochet in wild random patterns creating huge explosions. Stormtroopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Laserbolts hit several Rebel soldiers who scream and stagger through the smoke, holding shattered arms and faces.*

    STORMTROOPER 1: Seriously, why are we doing this? Did you not see what Vader did a few minutes ago?

    STORMTROOPER 2: I know right? 3 of my friends just got killed. Why do we have to risk our lives? All he has to do is walk in first and wave his magic stick around and all the rebels would be dead while my friends would still be alive.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    *A series of explosions knock a hole in the elevator door through which several Imperial troops begin to emerge.

    Han and Chewie fire laser pistols at them through the smoke and flame. They turn and run down the cell hallway, meeting up with Luke and Leia rushing toward them.*

    *Chewie is shot dead by a Stormtrooper with a pinpoint shot between the eyes*

    HAN: What? That was a heck of a shot.

    *Leia is shot dead, sniped with a perfect shot to the heart*

    LUKE: See-Threepio! See-Threepio!

    THREEPIO: (over comlink) Yes sir?

    LUKE: We're getting killed here, why are these stromtroopers so accurate?

    *Han is shot dead with another perfect shot*

    THREEPIO: R2 says they are clones of someone called Jango Fett sir.

    LUKE: What? Who is... *Luke is shot dead*
     
  7. MarcJordan

    MarcJordan Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 17, 2014
    Top class! ^:)^

    MJ
     
  8. Dark Ferus

    Dark Ferus Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Jul 29, 2016
    "No there is another."

    "There would be, if you got your green behind off this swamp world and actually fought. I've seen you kick some serious tush, I know you have it in you, Yoda."



    Artoo is shot by stormtrooper.

    Threepio. "Why did you have to be so slow? You could have used your rockets, your flamethrower, the maker knows what else!"


    Luke to Obi Wan

    "Why did my father think my mother turned against him?

    "Err..."
     
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  9. MarcJordan

    MarcJordan Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 17, 2014
    Piett: He felt surprise was wiser----
    Vader: He's as clumsy as he is..... er
    Piett: My Lord?
    Vader: Er...I just thought of an old friend when I said clumsy. Suddenly I'm depressed. *cough*. Now back to business. *Vader looks up at the large screen at Admiral Ozzel. [you know the rest of it]

    MJ
     
  10. MidKnighT

    MidKnighT Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    May 23, 2005
    BEN: And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise. At least until they stopped using clones of Jango Fett. Now they can't aim for ****.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?

    BEN: Yes, I was once a Jedi Master the same as your father. Oh wait, never mind, he never achieved the rank of master. He was allowed to sit on the council but was not granted the rank of master.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    YODA: Why wish you become Jedi? Hmm?

    LUKE: Mostly because of my father, I guess.

    YODA: Ah, your father. Annoying kid was he. Whiny arrogant teenager was he. Stupid gullible Jedi was he, Burnt to a crisp with no arms or legs was he, mmm.
     
  11. SavedByChristAlone

    SavedByChristAlone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 26, 2017
    VADER: Last time we met, I was but the learner. I am the Master now.

    KENOBI: You might have forgotten, but Sith Lords are my speciality.

    -------------------

    LEIA: I love you.

    HAN: I know.

    VADER: You know? You're soooooo lucky! I had to drag it out of my wife, and she told me we couldn't be together straight after that!

    LEIA: You forced her to marry you?

    VADER: No, I . . . she kissed me two days later! And then we decided to get married after that!

    HAN: And I though I was a fast mover.

    VADER: I'd already loved her for ten years and there was a war on! No point in waiting!

    ----------

    LUKE: Come with me.

    VADER: Son, I can't leave anything behind anymore.

    LUKE: Who said anything about leaving stuff behind?

    VADER: Your mother.

    LUKE: What was she like?

    VADER: . . . Like you.
     
  12. Dark Ferus

    Dark Ferus Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Jul 29, 2016
     
  13. MidKnighT

    MidKnighT Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    May 23, 2005
    TARKIN: There. You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable.
    (addressing Motti)
    Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.

    LEIA: What?

    MOTTI: Sir, the primary ignition isn't working. I think it's broken.

    TARKIN: Are you kidding me? Fix it!

    MOTTI: I need the design specs to fix this sir.

    TARKIN: Well, where are they?

    MOTTI: Well they *were* on Scarif...
     
  14. SateleNovelist11

    SateleNovelist11 Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2015
    "How can you recall our mother when we were only a few minutes old when she departed?"
    - Luke, to Leia
     
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  15. Dark Ferus

    Dark Ferus Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Jul 29, 2016
    "That's no moon, its a space station. This is going to be easy."
    Once they land on the Death Star-
    "Another happy landing."

    Leia and Luke on the Death Star

    "I was beginning to wonder if you'd gotten my message."
    "I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you."
    "Good job!"

    Vader and Obi Wan

    "Death Star plans or not, you must realize you are doomed."
    "Oh I don't think so."

    Tarkin and Vader

    "You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion. Along with Kanan, Ezra, and Ahsoka Tano, of course."
    Vader starts choking him.
    "What...."
    "I never forgave you for forcing her out of the Jedi Order, Tarkin. Because of you, I had to go through the pain of losing her, just like my mother, and my wife Padme, and my child." Chokes Tarkin to death and starts crying in the conference room.
     
  16. oncafar

    oncafar Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2017
    hah. vader holding a grudge over what tarkin did to ahsoka. priceless. (though he'd like have to remember himself as anakin to care... but i'm trying not to do this not-in-the-spirit-of-things thing...)
     
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  17. Martoto77

    Martoto77 Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 6, 2016
    "I accept that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father."

    "That name... is the name given to me by my mother and your grandmother, Shmi Skywalker. My feelings for her were so great that I slaughtered dozens of Sand People. That's how much she and everything she ever did or gave means to me. You could say that it's motivated and made me what I am today. Yet, strangely, the name has no meaning for me."
     
  18. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    Vader: "That name no longer has any meaning for me!"

    Luke: "Why?"

    "What? I er, was not expecting you to ask that. Well...because I'm not that person any more!"

    "So you're not my father".

    "Of course I'm your father. I clearly told you that on Cloud City. Are your ears painted on?"

    "I'm confused. My father was Anakin Skywalker. Is that you or isn't it??"

    "Yes it's me you fool".

    Okay so you are Anakin Skywalker. Finally!"

    "No I'm not! I mean I was but I'm not any more!!"

    "So you're not my father any more."

    "Idiot! How can I 'stop' being your father??"

    "How can you 'stop' being Anakin Skywalker?".

    "I'm seriously about to lop your other hand off. You're just arguing for the sake of it".

    "Hey I'm not the one with the identity crisis."
     
  19. MidKnighT

    MidKnighT Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    May 23, 2005
    YODA: Luke...Luke...Do not...Do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor, or suffer your father's fate, you will. *cough* Oh...and he has force lightning. *cough* You must use your lightsaber to deflect it...so keep your lightsaber with you always... *cough* I just wanted to make sure I told you that so it wouldn't catch you by surprise.
     
  20. PCCViking

    PCCViking Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Jun 12, 2014
    Palpatine: Ah, a Jedi's weapon. Much like your father's, and mine, except my blade is red and I keep it up my sleeve in case four Jedi Masters drop by for a coup.
     
  21. SavedByChristAlone

    SavedByChristAlone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 26, 2017

    LMAO!!!!
     
  22. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 5, 2001
    Tarkin: She lied! She lied to us!!
    Vader: I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion.
    Tarkin: Where is she, what is she doing now?
    Vader: I don't know.
    Tarkin: What, why not?
    Vader: She turned off the security cameras in her cell. I don't think she likes me watching her.
     
  23. Dark Ferus

    Dark Ferus Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Jul 29, 2016
    "A more elegant weapon, for a more civilized age. Unless you count that incident a couple years ago won Darth Maul and a kid named Ezra. Wait, Ezra! Why do I need you again?"
     
  24. SateleNovelist11

    SateleNovelist11 Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2015
    "You cannot hide forever, Luke. Give yourself to the dark side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Wait! This is the same crap that my master utilized against me over twenty years ago! Aaaa!"
    - Vader, heading to the stairs

    "Now, Lord Vader..."
    - Sidious
     
  25. Palp Fiction

    Palp Fiction Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2003
    Luke: Do you remember your mother? Your real mother I mean.
    Leia: Not really. She died when I was 2 minutes old.
    Luke: Tell me about her.
    Leia: What's to tell, I was only a couple of minutes old.
    Luke: Come on, there must be something.
    Leia: What are you talking about?? What can you remember from that age?
    Luke: You're just being difficult [face_not_talking]
     
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