Provo Rise of the Sith

This is a story that I am in the process of writing. I am hoping to make a fanfilm after I get it written. The story takes place a long time before The Phantom Menace. The part I have written so far is like the begining scrolls of the star wars movies. Please read this and make comments about it. I would be happy to hear what you think of the story idea and to hear any suggestions you may have. Feel to tell me if something should be changed. Also because I am in the process of writing the story I would love to have you give me any good ideas that you might have for it. If you don't like the title and have an idea let me know.

Well, here it is:


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

Star Wars
Rise of the Sith

It is a dark time for the Jedi. They sense a disturbance in the force, but do not know what the cause of it is. The power greedy Sith are making plans to wipe out the Republic.
The Sith Leader has been forming a Sith Empire, hidden in a distant corner of the galaxy.

The Jedi do not know of the Sith Empire and its plans to take over the Republic. The members of the Jedi Council can sense a slight disturbance in the force, but they have yet to learn what is causing it. The Sith are in such a remote part of the galaxy that, even though there is a large number of them, the Jedi do not know of them.

Two Jedi are on a mission to help settle a civil war on Kunshaek, a planet in the outer rim. While there they discover strange things going on in an area of the planet. Immediately they contact the Jedi Council to inform them about what they have noticed. The Jedi Council gives them orders to start an investigation?.

 

first of all, I think you should count the number of times you use the word "Sith".

Secondly, the 2nd paragraph says basically ecatly the same thing as the 1st (and even in teh 1st, tehre was some redundancy).

Thirdly, I think the last paragraph needs some definite rewording. There are some things said there that don't need to be said, or they need to be said in a different fashion (namely at the end when it's kind of a point for point list. Remember, it has to explain teh situation, not a previous story)

The premise is good, but it needs to go through several drafts. After you write teh whole script, you'll probably want to come back and revise your opening crawl again, just to make sure it says all that needs to be said without unneeded information.



"A writer writes. Always."

 

Thanks for pointing out all of that stuff. I didn't even realize it when I was writing. I am sure it is going to change a lot of times, especially after I finish the whole story. This story was an idea I have had for a while and what I wrote was a quick thing that took about 10 minutes to write.

Again thanks for pointing out all of that stuff and if anyone has some good ideas for the story let me know.

Also if you have some good ideas for names of Sith Lords let me know

 

Here's a strategy we learned in History class:
Write your essay first (Or, in this case, story.) Then come back and write a finished introduction paragraph.
That way, if you have a different idea for where to take the paper (or story), you don't already have a definite framework for where you need to go.