Discussion in 'Literature' started by JediMasterKeno, Jul 7, 2013.
He The Approaching Storm at least had one of the most fun Hutts in SW history
A few choice excerpts from my review of Approaching Storm:
*So, anyway, Luminara Unduli, Barriss Offee and our stalwart Obi-Wan/Anakin pairing have been sent to try to keep the planet Ansion in the Republic because it is an important planet despite appearing not to be.
*If you’d like, I could say that again FIFTY TIMES so you’ll be sure and get it just like Foster does here.
*Luminara dispenses some wisdom: “There are certain constants that remain the same throughout the galaxy, my dear. The speed of light, the movement of muons, and the unwillingness of politicians to commit to anything that requires a leap of personal responsibility.”
*Dialogue no one could actually say: “How much confidence in our perceived omnipotence do you think that admission would inspire?”
*Dialogue no one could possibly make up: “Are you familiar with the secessionist movement?” “Only movement Bulgan know is in bowels.”
*So, Kyakhta gets healed by Barriss in the following scene:
* “What this nonsense about Jedi healing?” *Barriss rubs his temples* “I owe you my sanity, Padawan. For had you not interceded, I see surely now that the pain I have been living with would have led all too soon to utter madness, and eventually to death.”
*That is pretty complex sentence structure for someone who, five seconds ago, was not entirely clear on the function of articles. I mean, I don’t even know what ‘interceded’ means.
*And Obi-Wan, for his portion of the talent show, tells a story. A story, “poignant and true.” “Sacrifice and war, betrayal and revelation, greed and revenge, and in the end, as the fate of the two lovers hung suspended like a small weight from a thread, redemption.”
*Wow, so like the polar opposite of this story then. Can I hear Obi-Wan’s story instead of this one?! I mean, since his has all that and this one has . . . grass.
*If I have somehow not yet convinced you of how terrible this book is, allow me to tell you that your resistance is surely at an end. For now, enter stage left, Tooqui, the rascally little plain dweller with the personality of Charlie McCarthy on a sugar high.
* “Hahaheehee! Tooqui fool you, fool you! You trapped good now, you big back-bald bully-goo! Squinty-eyes! Syrup-stink!”
*How does Barriss respond to this verbal assault? Like this: “Listen to me. There’s no need for us to fight. My friends and I mean you no harm.”
*Girl, seriously, are you stupid or something? If somebody calls you a syrup-stink bully-goo, I think they will perhaps not grasp the concept of the Unity Council.
*Before the first scene is over, Tooqui will go on to call Barris a “small-head outland big-lips” and a “long-leg ugly bean thing.”
*So, anyway, Ogomoor prepares to betray Soergg since he’s been caught and he bursts into the Unity Council Meeting shouting that he knows who hired the people who tried to delay and kill the Jedi. And he uses the word ‘wherefore.’
*I mean, you’re fighting for your life here, man. Every second counts. And you’re going to say that you know ‘wherefore’ something? Come on.
*Incredibly horrible narration about Soergg the Hutt: He might be lacking in minutiae like a conscience, or scruples, or legs, but words he had in abundance.
*So, legs are minutiae, huh? Yeah, that makes sense.
*Man, I did it. That was just horrifyingly bad. I don’t know what’s worse; Foster’s annoyingly stilted dialogue, his insufferably prosy narration or the fact that THE ENTIRE EVENTS OF THIS BOOK COULD HAVE BEEN TOLD IN ONE PARAGRAPH!
*None of the characters really work. I mean, it’s hard for a character to work when she’s saying things like, “I hope to meet you again some day, Soergg, perhaps in surroundings and under circumstances where diplomacy is irrelevant and where the expression of my inner feelings is not subject to external constraints.”
I'm still really proud of that review.
Ah, Barriss...you should have "borrowed" Ventress' lightsabers a little earlier and used them on Tooqui. Everyone around him would have thanked you.
I liked Rogue Planet, mainly because it was different from the rest of the Star Wars material being released at the time.
The review is spot on and The Approaching Storm is deadly to readers, but Tooqui is just Salacious B. Crumb, they're the same character. The silly little rascal was the only thing that worked for me, probably because the rest of the book was as fun to read as a Terms of Service.
Anakin's singing was terribly stupid when I read it, but I've been able to laugh about it since.
So yeah, Rogue Planet is definitely better than The Approaching Storm, but that's not saying much.
Before you give them any ideas!
i actually did enjoy some of the levity in Approaching Storm. Just not the plot.
That's pretty good, you should consider reviewing some other Star Wars books some time.
No, hey, it'd be good! The opening scene would be Shu Mai singing a song called "Push (The Government) to The Limit." Then when the Jedi are ambushed in the streets they sing while fighting, breaking into a resounding chorus of "Get Your Head In The Fight." Then while riding through the plains on their speedy animals (which is still practically the only part of the book I like), they'll sing "A Whole New World (To Ride Fast Animals On)." There will be many more songs throughout, including Anakin's, and by the end they'll sing "We're All In This (Fight) Together." It'll be quite a movie and I hear they're hiring Dylan and Cole Sprouse to play Kyakhtah and Bulgan!
Luckily for you, riding through the plains is about ninety-five percent of the book.
Well, I meant the one point in particular when they first left the city, when the animals kicked it into gear, and Anakin, Barriss, and Luminara had to hold onto their lives, and they looked over and Obi-Wan was casually lounging in his saddle. That part was about the only part that was memorable for the lol'z.
Unfortunately you're right; that's about the only thing they do in this book.
And then they reached Mount Doom.
The only difference being LOTR had some good action, drama, and emotional scenes between those long stretches of traveling across the plains. This book had...I don't know, swimming, acrobatics, storytelling, and singing? And an annoying monkey-dude?
What about Jedi Apprentice?
You mean Jude Watson's multi-book treatise on how Anakin was born evil Jedi Quest?
Jedi Quest was a frigging Pulitzer Prize winner compared to Jedi Apprentice. At least it nailed some good emotional moments. And, Obi-Wan was no hero in the series either, which I loved.
From what I remember about Jedi Apprentice, it was several books full of Qui-Gon being a cold-hearted ******* and Obi-Wan slobbering at his feet.
And apparently Obi-Wan got bullied at the Temple, although I'm pretty sure that would have been nipped in the bud as bullying is not the Jedi way.
I forgot about Jedi Apprentice. It was a kid's book, right?
Yeah, fifth grade level.