Saga Round Robin/Add on. Intelligence vs Canon----rewrite the scenes!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Raptor517, Nov 28, 2008.

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  1. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars.

    ANYBODY CAN POST ON THIS THREAD: all you have to do is take any scene from the movies and re-write part of it, with some character doing something they could have done, but didn't.

    In other words, you can't introduce new people, powers, etc.

    I'll post a story and give an example.

  2. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Movie-- Episode One: The Phantom Menace
    Scene-- Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are going after the Viceroy following a failed gassing attempt.

    Number of changes: two


    They keep coming, thought Nute Gunray with growing alarm. How did they survive the poison gas???

    Rune, walking quickly next to him, turned to Nute, and was just as panicked. "Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?"

    "Well, not exactly, but I don't..." Encountered??? Suddenly Nute realized the Jedi would not be content with escaping, as he would have been. They would be coming for him. This knowledge came to him in midsentence. "Seal off the bridge!"

    "That won't be enough, sir," said Rune, mournfully.

    Despite his panic, Nute's mind was working quickly, trying to decide what would drive off the Jedi where they could be somebody else's problem. Before him, the door closed, but he recognized that they would be through it in a heartbeat.

    "I want droidekas up here at once!" he ordered with confidence. With shields, deflected bolts would pose little threat to their destroyers. The Jedi would either stay until they were worn out and dead, or run.

    Abruptly, the sound of battle droids being diced along with the shriek of blaster fire came to end. Nervous, Nute and Rune waited, hoping, hoping, hoping...

    No good. With a hiss and the acrid smell of melting metal, a lightsaber beam began to slice an artificial portal into the door.

    "Close the blast doors!" Nute ordered, hope glimmering. Blast doors were made to withstand heavy blaster fire, and even small explosives. They clanged shut, the tip of the lightsaber disappearing.

    On the other side, Obi-Wan gestured to the blast doors. "Shall I slice through it, master? It will take time, but I--"

    A clanging sound came from a hallway nearby, and before them rolled a pair of droidekas. "Master, destroyers!" Obi-wan shouted, spinning his lightsaber in anticipation of an easy kill.

    To his dismay, a pair of translucent shield bubbles blossomed to life around the droidekas, and then a rair of fire poured down on the two Jedi.

    "They have shield generators!" Obi-Wan shouted. "It's a standoff--we should go!"

    "Nonsense, padawan," Qui-Gon said calmly, deflecting blasts with ease. "The Force is our power!"

    With that, Qui-Gon switched to a one-handed defense, extending his free limb toward the droidekas. Grabbing one with the Force, Qui-Gon slammed it into the other five times, till the shields on the first broke. Instantly a torrent of deflected bolts from Obi-Wan's lightsaber scrapped the now-defenseless droid.

    Catching on, Obi-Wan reached out, finding the shield generator on the second droid. Clenching his fist, he crushed it, and then that droid was gone, too.

    Feeling giddy at the ease of their win, Obi-Wan turned toward the blast doors. "Shall I begin cutting through, master?"

    Qui-Gon shook his head. "That would be both difficult, and time consuming. Plus, we will need those doors to hold off the hoard of enemy droids coming our way." Closing his eyes in concentration, Qui'Gon searched the room on the other side of the doors with the Force, then found what he was looking for.

    The silence that had followed the terrible clanging noise that had come with the arrival of the droidekas was causing Nute to become frantic. His hand itched to hit the button that would open the blast doors, so he could see what happened. No, he thought, pulling his hand back. He would be patient.

    To his shock, the button suddenly depressed on its own initiative, and Nute fainted dead away as the Jedi walked into the room, lightsabers humming. It was over.


    What do you think? Pretty self-explanatory, in my opinion.

    Raptor517
  3. G__Anakin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2006
    star 4
    It is more like Common Sense Vs. Canon:)

    Such stupid characters[face_beatup]
  4. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    I like your version a lot better than the movie's, makes WAY more sense. But...uhh...what about the other 2 hours of the movie? :D Qui-Gon and Obi are gonna go have a caf somewhere and laugh at how stupid Nute was. Or how silly the screenplay was. ;) They don't need to go anywhere or do anything else. Heeey, maybe they could have celebratory caf on Tatooine. Enter young Anakin, who (PLEASE GOD, get me a better actor than that KID!) spills it all over them or something. :p

    Again, I'm sure you have a more thoughtful answer and I'm looking forward to your ideas. :D Let me know if you update this!
  5. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    No, this isn't meant to be an ongoing story--and it's open to anybody, and that includes you!

    But yeah, I have another couple of ideas coming up.

    I'm sure we'll see variations of Obi-Wan using Force speed to see Qui-Gon...I'll rewrite that scene also, but differently. [face_devil]

    Raptor517
  6. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Movie-- Episode One: The Phantom Menace
    Scene-- Qui-Gon is being chased by a Trade Federation tank shortly after landing on Naboo.

    Number of changes: one.



    He ran. Behind him, a line of tanks crashed through brush, tree, and animal alike. Bearing down on the Jedi, their relentless engines continued to gain on him, even as his physical body tired.

    Inside the tank, a battle droid suddenly realized one of the missing Jedi was right in front of him, and with a flick of his metallic hand he switched on the forward cannons.

    A surge in the Force warned Qui-Gon of the danger, and he leaped on instinct, the Force carrying him to the lower limbs of a tree. Even as he flew through the air, he heard the shrieks of some animal trying to speak basic. Even as Qui-Gon watched, the two-legged biped took the shot meant for Qui-Gon through the knees. Extending a hand to try to pull the being up into the air with the Force, Qui-Gon watched in horror as the tank instead crushed the Gungan, before running him over completely.

    Dropping from the tree and behind the tanks, Qui-Gon shook his head at the tragedy, and then heard the shots.

    Turning, he spied Obi-Wan running toward him, pursued by a pair of STAPs. Igniting his lightsaber, the emerald blade caught the shots and sent them back to guns from whence the came. In a moment to piles of junk littered the ground, and Obi-Wan ran up.

    "Forget to power down your saber before going in the water?" Qui-Gon asked dryly. They had had this conversation before. Unlike the typical look of guilt, Obi-Wan had a dazed look and a smile on his face.

    "BEN!" This time the master spoke sharply, using the hated nickname to break through Obi-Wan's reverie. "What is it?"

    Obi-Wan looked at him with shining eyes. "I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of
    voices suddenly cried out in joy and were suddenly satisfied. I think something wonderful has happened."
  7. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
  8. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Crouching in the darkness, Obi-Wan peered through the mist and strained his eyes for what he was looking for.

    No such luck.

    Sighing to himself, the padawan extended his senses, feeling the Force nudging him to his left. This way it is, then.
    Clambering through the ventilation shaft, Obi-Wan felt Qui-Gon far ahead of him, the faster Jedi Master making quick work of their escape.

    Finally dropping out, Obi-Wan surveyed a room, where dozens of battle droids stood in formation, preparing to board the landing craft.

    "Battle droids," Qui-Gon stated flatly.

    "It's an invasion army," Obi-Wan commented, making sure to keep his head down. "We've got to get to the surface and warn the Naboo."

    "This is an odd play for the Trade Federation." Qui-Gon sighed. "Only a fool would go down to the surface when he has the chance to sabotage this ship. The Neimodians will think of this, and then decide that we would then do the not so obvious thing and smuggle ourselves down."

    Obi-Wan squinted. "So what are we going to do?"

    Qui-Gon smiled. "The obvious thing. I'll sabotage this ship - you take out as much of the army as you can."

    "Are you out of your mind???" Obi-Wan exploded. "A Jedi can't take on an army!"

    The elder Jedi cocked an eye at his padawan. "Mind your emotions, Obi-Wan. You versus an army? No. You versus a hoard of powered down machines? Yes."

    Obi-Wan smiled for a brief moment. "You were right about one thing, master."

    Cutting off any chance at further protest or discussion, Qui-Gon turned and went on his way, the long brown hair streaming out behind him as he jogged.

    Turning, Obi-Wan watched as the transports extended long arms which unfolded into racks to the hold the droids. For a moment all was quiet, and then the droids all powered down, folding themselves into compact shapes. The Jedi waited impatiently for the droids to be picked up - as the last of the racks lifted before being retracted into the tanks, he made his move.

    Speeding in front of the tanks, Obi-Wan slashed each rack as he passed beneath, the two-ton device smashing to the floor and crushing the droids on them. Further down, a few cuts with his lightsaber disabled the conveyor belts taking the tanks onto the landing craft. A brief tug with the Force removed the controls to open up the same ship for the tanks to be loaded manually.

    Running down the passageway to the next staging area, Obi-Wan was suddenly struck with inspiration, igniting his lightsaber and dragging it through the wall as he went. The energy beam cut through wires, power conduits, circuit control boards, and other things of various supplementary functions.

    Lights flickered throughout the ship, some sections going completely back. On floor twelve, section three, the freshers began to shut themselves on and off, much to the perplexed annoyance of various Neimodians. Reaching the end of the passageway, Obi-Wan shut down his saber and turned for a brief moment to survey his work. Grinning, he moved on. Sabotage is kinda fun...

    ***

    Down near the reactor core, Qui-Gon reached out and embraced the Force. Allowing it to guide his saber, he made a series of slashes all around the walls. Peculiar in their pattern, randomly alternating from straight cuts to curled gashes, he suddenly stopped and made one last cut in the floor, a circle around himself.

    The piece slammed against the durasteel plating below, and Qui-Gon dropped down, lightly. Obi-Wan was there, gesturing that he had found something. Above them, the sound of metal bending under extreme pressure sounded.

    "Hurry," Qui-Gon said calmly. "I believe we have thirty seconds."

    Leaping into the Neimodian transport, the pair shot out of the bay. Half the guns followed them, firing, while the other half failed to receive their targeting instructions from the computer in command, compliments of the Jedi graffiti in the hall. Around the heavy reactor core, metal warped and bent, small cracks forming in viewports.


    Smashing against its opposite, the top half of the reactor core detonated, the commands ship shredding it
  9. Danaan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2008
    star 4
    Awesome stuff!! =D= Keep 'em coming, I say!

    And you killed Jar Jar! [:D]
  10. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Scene: The Viceroy captures Amidala

    The twist: He does what he should have in the beginning.



    Nute Gunray smiled as he made his way regally down the corridor. Victory was theirs. The pacifist planet had been overrun in a matter of hours, with practically zero losses. The few security forces had been ordered to stand down, and had wisely obeyed, saving their lives.

    Behind Nute, the queen's party of handmaidens followed their mistress, who walked alongside trusted governor Sio Bibble. Encircled by sand-colored battle droids, the colorful group almost seemed unescorted for the droids happenstance camouflage with the pale walls.

    "How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?" Bibble asked, both curious and taking the opportunity to remind Nute of where the power lay.

    Nute chuckled, reveling in the knowledge that he had inside people everywhere. "The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured that it will be ratified by the Senate."

    Little Queen Amidala scowled. "I will not cooperate," she said flatly, keeping her face stern but impassive.

    "Now, now, your Highness. You are not going to like what we have in store for your people. In time, your suffering will persuade them to see our point of view." Nute smiled in anticipation as he turned to a battle droid.

    "Commander. Process them."

    "Yes, sir!" Swiveling on his legs, Oom-9 took a nano second to aim, and then fired, blowing a hole in Sio Bibble's knee. The man cried out and dropped to the floor, where another bolt struck his good leg in the same spot. A third shot to the forehead cut off the screams of pain.

    To Nute's astonishment, the handmaidens made no sound, falling in around one of their own, than around their queen. The Viceroy's eyes narrowed, and he addressed the one in the middle.

    "Very clever, your highness. But it will not save you."

    A flurry of bolts cut them all down, extinguishing their lives in moments. Each body received a headshot to insure a permanent termination, and Gunray turned away in satisfaction. Behind him, Oom - 9 spoke.

    "Take them to Camp Four."
  11. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Yeah, the movie sure woulda been a lot shorter if youw ere the one writing it. And a lot better, I do have to say. Messier, but better. ;) But in my mind, anything that keeps Jar Jar and that little turd who played baby Anakin out of the movie is a good thing.

    Nicely done!
  12. CherryLightsaber Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 16, 2005
    star 4
    I'm eagerly anticipating more. These rewrites are a breath of fresh air; if only GL wrote TPM like this. And kudos to you for killing Jar Jar! =D=
  13. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Movie: Episode 1
    Scene: Credits will do fine.

    Number of changes: 1.



    The sun beat down mercilessly on the Jedi's head, serving to increase his irritation. Pacifists!, he grumbled inwardly. Jedi are ever the champions of peace, but there are always there that upset the balance. And when that happens, it is better to be ready to fight.

    A pair of hairy wings flapped not far away, and Watto turned around in mid air, tapping at his datapad.

    "Here it is...a T-14 hyperdrive generator! You're in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one...but you might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think..." The Toydarian's voice trailed off hopefully, then his mouth scowled even more as he saw that Qui-Gon wasn't going for it. "Speaking of which, how's ya going to pay for all this?"

    Knowing what was coming more from experience than the Force, Qui-Gon braced himself. "I have 20,000 Republic dataries."

    Watto sputtered only for a split second before he exploded, spit flying on the foul stench of his breath. "Republic credits? Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real!"

    "I don't have anything else," Qui-Gon responded, raising his hand and bending the force to his will. "But credits will do
    fine."

    "No they won'ta!" The Toydarian scowled, perplexed at the outrageous statement, while Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed.

    "Credits will do fine."

    "No, they won'ta. What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don'ta work on me - only money. No money, no parts! No deal! And no one else has a T-14 hyperdrive, I promise you that!"

    The assault of words caused Qui-Gon's temper to snap, along with the hiss of his lightsaber.

    "Forget the Force," Qui-Gon said shortly, looking into Watto's eyes as he held the lightsaber to the scaly throat. "Credits WILL do fine."

    Watto hesitated only a moment, before realizing that the information of a Jedi in the area could be sold for a good amount of money. And it wasn't worth dying for. He nodded, gulping as the movement singed hairs on his neck.

    "I guessa credits will do fine, Outlander!" Qui-Gon nodded, stepping away and powering down the saber. Rubbing at his throat, Watto flitted toward the door.

    "In fact, I believe I can have it delivered for you!" he offered, anxious to get the Jedi out before the man took a liking to his other wares.

    "Thank you," the human murmured, sweeping through the store. "Padme, Artoo - come on! And take Jar-Jar!"

    "It was good to meet you, Anakin," Padme said, passing through the doorway, on her way to Coruscant.

    "It was good to meet you, too!" Anakin called after her. And then she was gone, forever.

    ***

    Two days later, Watto's severed body was found in a pile in his shop. The place was untouched, but the remnants of the corpse indicated he had been put through some pain before the final blow. Everything was sold, except for an uncompleted protocol droid that went to the scrap yard. The older of his two slaves was found dead, but her son was nowhere to be found.

    Little did anyone imagine that in the cargohold of a ship slipping into Coruscant, a young boy shivered in a cage as a tattooed monster looking at him with no expression on the dark face.

    "My master..." the monster breathed, "...will be quite interested in you."
  14. CherryLightsaber Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 16, 2005
    star 4
    Thanks for that PM. It seems that Qui-Gon really is a maverick; threatening someone isn't what an orthodox Jedi would do. And Maul capturing Anakin and bringing him to Sids... now that's a plot bunny.
  15. Danaan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2008
    star 4
    Actually, I don't agree with that one. Jedi should never be aggressive, and if there are exceptions to that rule, I really doubt that a greedy junk dealer in the back end of the galaxy would qualify.

    But it did have some interesting implications for the continued plot...[face_devil]
  16. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    I'm with Danaan on the non-violence of Jedi, here. Qui-Gon surely knows how to hold onto his temper by now. I don't see why they couldn't break in and steal the parts they needed, though. Surely that would have been less dangerous than sticking a 9 year old in a death-pod and making him race.

    <shrug>

    But I do like the implications of Maul's capturing Anakin. Does he keep him secret from Paplatine? Or does Palpy have a lifetime of Anakin's undivided attention? <shudder>
  17. Danaan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2008
    star 4
    Just to be a Devil's Advocate - to steal is also to victimize, and that is also not the Jedi way...:-B
  18. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Yep. Normally a Jedi wouldn't do such things - we must, however, remember that the people on Naboo were in a continuous danger at all times. I think the preferred currency of a dealer might well be disregarded for the safety of a planet's population.

    Yep. I admit that does make an interesting rewrite for the three movies. And probably a lot better story line.

    Ah...now the potential plot bunny comes to a fork in the road...[face_thinking]

    Actually, according to the book, Qui-Gon did steal from Watto - a power device, which he hands to Anakin in the movie just before he turns on the pod and starts yelling (like a choking prairie dog) "It's working! It's working!"

    Ah. My nerdship has come out. :-B



    Well, this is getting to be quite interesting. Anybody have an intelligence vs canon rewrite of their own?
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