Saga Same Old Fears (Anakin vig, end of ROTJ)

Same Old Fears

Summary: After death, Anakin spills his heart to Obi-Wan.
Timeframe: End of ROTJ (blue-ghostie Anakin)
Characters: Anakin Skywalker
Genre: Sad mush drama
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will.

A/N: This was originally on the Obi-Wan Challenge Thread for the most recent sock challenge, posted under The_Voice. I thought I'd put it out here to get some comments from a few sane people. Also, I don't normally use British spellings, but I was trying to fool people for the sock challenge.

A/N 2: Title is from Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here." One of the lines near the end of this vig is lifted directly from Floyd's "On the Turning Away."

*****

Why do we hurt the ones we love?

When it all first started, my answer was always the typical response of a self-absorbed fool who doesn't realize what he's doing. Betrayal, revenge, justice. Ideas that I warped into some bastardized form of "doing the right thing."

And then it didn't matter. Why did I have to question my motives when no one else did? I had no reason to fear the outcomes of my actions, because I always controlled them. I was second man to Palpatine, but the atrocities were my decision, and I wiped out the very people I had sworn myself to.

I know my mother watched me from her place in the Force. It killed me in the beginning, the way I dishonoured her memory by releasing my anger so violently. But I did it anyway, for I was stupid enough to believe that exacting revenge would bring me peace.

I never thought of her during those years. It was more that I didn't want to, remembering her face so full of maternal pride, so accepting of her final fate. Somehow, she knew that despite all my dreams of freeing the slaves, she would not be among them. Her liberation would come much sooner, and in the worst way possible.

I used to think you were jealous of the influence Master Qui-Gon still held over me, long after he passed into the Force. I know you often wondered how he would handle me, and if I would have turned out the same way under his tutelage. But it wasn't Qui-Gon you resented.

It was my mother.

Even after ten years of separation, nothing could keep me from breaking precedents and smashing rules to be at her side, when I should have been faithful to my duty. I went after her because my heart told me to, but I was prepared to stay away from Geonosis because I was ordered to do my job.

And that was to stay with Padmé, the woman I loved. Funny how that works, isn't it? I'm sure you can appreciate the irony in that. In that moment, she was not simply my angel. She was my excuse to help you on Geonosis.

When Padmé and I were first married, I sometimes wondered whom I would pick if I had to choose between the two of you. Those long hyperspace flights during the war were spent deliberating over this, and when I finally exhausted every mental and emotional resource, I wanted to scream in anger. I wanted to take my lightsabre and burn away the unfairness of it all, and then pull the hyperspace lever and revert into a galaxy where I would never have to face such a conclusion.

There was no choice. I could not have both of you, nor even only one. I was to be stripped of everything I had ever held dear to me.

Did I know it would go this far? I had always felt that darkness within me, but I had no idea it would turn into an abomination. It was destiny, though. I used to hate that word, because it meant I wasn't in control of my life. It meant that I had to submit to a higher power that would dictate my actions, the way a carnival puppeteer does his marionettes. It meant that I would still be a slave.

But I was the Chosen One, and I couldn't escape my destiny. I told my son that joining me was his. He did join me, but not in the way I had originally intended. He is a Jedi now, as I was.

As I am? You give me too much credit. For the first time in years, I like myself.

 

I know my mother watched me from her place in the Force. It killed me in the beginning, the way I dishonoured her memory by releasing my anger so violently. But I did it anyway, for I was stupid enough to believe that exacting revenge would bring me peace.

I have often thought about this, too. Anakin was so dedicated to his mother and certinly he would understand that becoming Vader would shame her. I like that you have some reasoning about that here. I think a lot of people simply ignore that aspect of Anakin.

Did I know it would go this far? I had always felt that darkness within me, but I had no idea it would turn into an abomination. It was destiny, though. I used to hate that word, because it meant I wasn't in control of my life. It meant that I had to submit to a higher power that would dictate my actions, the way a carnival puppeteer does his marionettes. It meant that I would still be a slave.

But I was the Chosen One, and I couldn't escape my destiny.

In the end, I believe it was Anakin's destiny to become Vader, terrible as that sounds, but it was probably the only way he could bring balance to the Force.

I liked this viggie. A lot of good thoughts throughout and well written.

~ Jedikma

 

Insightful and so well written, I yet again cried over a viggie.. It was sweet in a way that he's sharing all his thoughts, everything, and you can just guess what Obi-Wan says to him. I liked the way everything flowed, interwined and logical, but not organised, it's just how a person thinks.
Pink Floyd - great band, some songs are great to listen to when thinking about Anakin, especially the melancholic ones.

 

Very sad and very well written viggie, Jade. *sniff* You captured Anakin perfectly . . . good work.

 

sane people Hah! Hope you aren't including yourself in that!

Really wonderful look at how his twisted mind works.

 

I ...liked an Anakin fic.

Jade you suck

Really nice - I loved the flow of this!

 

I said sane people! Sane!!

Jedikma: In the end, I believe it was Anakin's destiny to become Vader, terrible as that sounds, but it was probably the only way he could bring balance to the Force. One of my friends kind of has that theory, and after he explained it to me, I thought, "Aha! Makes sense!" My thinking is that you have to have darkness for the light to defeat, and Anakin being the one who brings balance - wouldn't he also be the balance? Both light and dark within him? Okay, enough philosophising.

Ana_Labris: I liked the way everything flowed, interwined and logical, but not organised, it's just how a person thinks. I didn't even notice that, wow. Amazing how I have such a hard time doing the same with school papers. I guess because I first wrote just whatever came to mind? As for Floyd, another friend (and huge Floyd fan) said that if Ep3 had a Floyd soundtrack, we'd all want to slit our wrists at the end. Scary...but true.

Nem: Did I made you cry? Well, that's your punishment for creeping me out with your vigs.

OE: Me, sane? Wherever would I get a silly idea like that? Thanks for reading it again.

Birdy: If you suck, then I must suck as well, that's how it works, right?

I ...liked an Anakin fic. Well, the Apocalypse hasn't yet taken place... You too, thanks for reading again.

 

Gack! Meant to reply when I read this and ran out of time. Great job exploring dead-Anakin's thoughts. Looking forward to more from you soon!

Shaindl