PT (Satire) I've seen the light: how the haters convinced me to reject the PT, SE, and George Lucas!

I have feared this day for so long, but now that the day has arrived, I am relishing it as if I just received a gift from the heavens. The haters have won me over, and I can now proudly say that I hate the Prequel trilogy, the Special Editions and, even more so, their creator George Lucas. I don't know why I've been so stubborn about it. I've probably watched each prequel film and the Special Editions twenty times each, and yet, it never sunk in just how bad of an experience I was enduring. For so many years, I believed that my feeling of heightened engagement between the opening fanfare and each film's final credits should properly be defined as enjoyment. It's clear to me now how wrong I was.

I guess I've been in denial all these years. Since I couldn't accept that any aspect of Star Wars could be bad, I've been blocking out the now very reasonable arguments made by its bashers, sort of like how members of the Bush administration still rationalize their conduct in the lead up to the invasion of Iraq in 2003, except that of course the level of Machiavellian deceit was far greater on George Lucas's part. I mean, we're talking about Star Wars here, not some backwards foreign country that I can't even find on a map, and consider the breadth of the civilian casualties. Hundreds of millions of people around the world saw the Prequels in their theatrical releases alone, not just some small region was affected in Asia or Africa or wherever Iraq is. Wasn't life so much easier when we were all scared into accepting Bush logic -- If you're not with us, then you're against us? That's the way I like my Star Wars. It's too complicated to point out that this particular PT film is good in these ways, and this SE change may have been for the better, and that this OT film has some problems here or there.

Who, in the grand scheme of things, really cares about the strength of the performances of Ewan McGregor, or Ian McDiarmid, or Liam Neeson? Who cares that Revenge of the Sith was strongly received by critics and recently placed second to The Empire Strikes Back in a poll of Star Wars fans, or that Return of the Jedi was the black sheep of the Saga for years. Who cares that the Prequel trilogy may be more intellectually complex or thematically compelling than its predecessors? Do you know us at all, Mr. Lucas? Trump leads in the polls right now; intellectual sophistication is not our thing. And for the few of you who think the Prequels are the superior of the two trilogies? I've got two words for you: New Coke. Sure, New Coke performed better in blind taste tests by a mile. But it was different, and different is bad! We learned that in kindergarten. New Coke proves that changing something from old to "new and better" always makes it worse. Classic Coke is better than New Coke because it came first! Case closed! Don't try and pull one those snake-oil salesman bait-and-switch scams by employing a scientifically valid double-blind study to show us we're fooling ourselves into believing our resistance to change is warping our judgment! We know what we like. It's simple: change is bad. Now bring on the leaches and blood-letting! And to be honest, all this nuance makes my head hurt! Things are better when they're not complicated. Let's just lump the Prequels all together, and be done with it. Who cares about critical response or fan favorites. We got three awful abominations and three great ones. That's all there is to it! That's so much easier to keep track of. When it comes to hating stuff, simple is better. Isn't everyone happier when they can see the world in black and white -- just like the Sith do!?

To be honest, I've been blocking out the hatred towards the Prequels for years, but at some point I couldn't resist how convincing the half-truths, the misrepresentations, the lack of objectivity, and the slanted bias of PT-haters towards the Original trilogy really is. Just because Lucas claims he set out to make a new mythology for children and the original Star Wars nearly received a G-rating, let's face it: Star Wars was always meant for adults. That's why we loved it so much as children! If it wasn't meant for adults, why would it have so much death in it? I mean, apart from films that no parent would expose their children to -- such as Bambi, Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Jungle Book, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King -- children's films refuse to deal with such dark subject matter. So, for Lucas to introduce a character like Jar Jar was a true slap in the face to Star Wars fans. Who cares that the original Star Wars begins with twenty minutes of C-3PO and RD-D2 bickering in the desert, and that C-3PO will never shut up in The Empire Strike Back, and that cute furry teddy bears were so essential to the plot of Return of the Jedi that the Empire never would have fallen were it not for their intervention on the Rebels's behalf. Those films were released before our prefrontal cortexes had fully matured; we had an excuse back then! Now that we're adults we aren't going to be fooled by your tricks any more, Mr. Lucas. What did you expect us to do -- to merely feel vicarious enjoyment when our children lit up with delight during Jar Jar's twenty minutes of screen time? Geez, George, why don't you think things over a little bit? Introducing a clumsy socially maladroit character like Jar Jar into the Star Wars universe, come on! Acting like that is exactly what drove me to spend all my time with my invisible friend and spurred us to become so obsessed with Star Wars in the first place. That's not what I want to see on screen. I already have to look at that every day in the mirror! I want film characters that don't remind me of how I acted as a child when I'd regularly receive swirlies!

I embarrassed to admit it, but I'm still finding it difficult to dislike the Prequel trilogy through and through, though I know as a Star Wars fan I should. I still find myself getting lost in the story, the beautiful visuals, the action, the intrigue, the complex manipulations. Sure, I can convince myself to feel restless during the two to three minutes of The Phantom Menace set in the Senate Chambers if I remind myself not to get lost in the stunning visuals of the building's interior design, but I still find it difficult to be indifferent during the stunningly choreographed duel that truly shows the incredible powers of the Jedi and the Sith for the first time ending with Qui-Gon's death who was played with such noble dignity by Liam Neeson. I know it's a weakness on my part that I get sucked into the drama, and I know that's a serious problem, so, I've come up with an elaborate system for preventing that from happening anymore. I use my trusty kitchen alarm clock and set it to five minutes just before I begin watching one of the films. Whenever the alarm sounds, I stick myself in my thigh with a tack, then reset the alarm, stab myself again, and repeat! It's only taken a dozen or so viewings of each Prequel film before I've transferred the unpleasantness of the sensory stimuli to my viewing experience. Unfortunately, I've also grown to associate tacks, alarm clocks, and any type of cooking that involves precise timing with an acute sense of dread and anxiety, but that's a small price to pay for a victory of my willpower over my once powerful positive visceral response to Lucas's Prequel films. Next on the list: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull !

However, my biggest worry isn't about myself. It concerns my six-year-old son, Nien, and his fascination with the Prequel trilogy. In fact, The Phantom Menace is his favorite, favorite of them all! Damn him! Damn him to hell! I've long been wrestling with how I should handle this dilemma, but I know what I must do as a parent and as an embittered Star Wars fan. Allowing a child to watch the Prequels and Special Editions is tantamount to child abuse, and I will not allow myself to be part that anymore. If you let your children or any minor watch these abominations, you should be ashamed of yourselves and be reported to Child Protective Services. I love my Star Wars so much that all I can accept is perfection in it, and I hate anything less than that in a Star Wars film. Well, as a father and a fan, I've now adopted that same attitude towards my child-rearing. I won't tolerate anything but the very best from my son, Nien. Yes, he was in tears when I cut up the Star Wars blu-rays right before his eyes, then threw his Lego Jedi Starfighter and Darth Maul action figure in the trash, and then used his supposedly nonflammable Jar Jar blanket and Jango Fett Halloween costume as kindling in the fire, but I knew it was for the best for him and it would grow his character. He asked me, "Dad, if you hate the prequels, why did you destroy all the blu-rays?" I tried to explain to him that only a Moss Eisley barren of CGI-effects and a Return of the Jedi with Lapti Nek was fit for children, and then told him to watch my old VHS tapes of the Original Trilogy, which have degraded so much over time that the images are virtually unrecognizable, but he stubbornly refused, insolent son that he is, after just watching a few minutes of static. He just kept crying and crying, trying to gain pity points, but I see how it is. When I was a kid, I had it much worse. During my teenage years the best I could get was scrambled porn on Cinemax, and let me tell you those hardships over so many late nights helped build my character into what it is today.

Still, all I get from Nien is hostility. I guess that's the price you pay for good parenting. Sometimes, I think back to when he was a beautiful one-year-old boy, and I then I look at him now, and I realize what's he's trying to do. He thinks he's so clever, but I know he's not the child I once knew. No, he's slowly changed bit by bit into who he is now. At first I couldn't make sense of it, but now I recognize that in his resentment he's trying to pull a "Lucas" on me! He thought I wouldn't notice the subtle changes in him just like Lucas thought I wouldn't notice those extra rocks around R2 or the Ewoks blinking, but it's clear, clear as day, that this is not the same kid I used to have! And now all I have are old photos of him, and for most of those I was stupid enough to use a digital format, not 35-mm or Imax! Like I said, I love my son just as I love my Star Wars. I expect perfection, and I hate anything less than that. Until my little Nien stops being so difficult and returns to being as cute as he was when he was a one-year-old, he's cut off from Star Wars completely! That's my duty and my obligation as a father and a fan.

Now that I've told you this, you may think I'm unreasonable, but my hatred for the Prequels and Special Editions is not disproportionate. In fact, it's only a fraction of my hatred for the so-called maker of the Star Wars, that charlatan George Lucas, which is just as it should be. Why is that, you might ask. Well, those of us in the know recognize Lucas wasn't even responsible for the Classic trilogy. So, Lucas spent years doing rewrites on the screenplay for Star Wars that brought it from an inscrutable mess to a simulacrum of the film released in theaters in 1977, but let's give credit where credit is due -- to Lucas's peers, directors such a Brian de Palma and Francis Ford Coppola, who told him the film was terrible when they saw it in an early private screening. The then much more collaborative Lucas was willing to do what he refused to do as he grew more rich and arrogant: he left the film exactly as it was and released it to the viewing public! Without the input of Lucas's friends that he ignored, who knows what film we may have gotten?

Then, there's the old story about how Lucas gave Leigh Brackett screenwriting credit for The Empire Strikes Back after her death so that her family would receive royalties, when in reality he threw Brackett's screenplay into the trash bin and wrote from scratch in six weeks' time the entire screenplay, which in large part resembles the film in its final form apart from some of alterations in dialogue provided by Kasdan. Such an account is a complete disservice to Brackett's contribution. Brackett's script provided Lucas with an incredible example about what not to put into a Star Wars film, just as Krull, The Last Starfighter, Time Bandits, Beastmaster, Conan the Barbarian, and Tron did. With all these examples of how not to write fantasy entertainment, Lucas was nearly boxed into a corner. How could he not write The Empire Strikes Back any other way? Every other awful screenplay alternative had already been taken away from him. I'm sure Lucas tried his best to escape this exceedingly small niche in which he found himself that all but forced him to write this perfect screenplay, but Lucas had no other way out. Fighting against his deepest creative instincts, he ultimately gave up and had to accept perfection once he saw he had no other choice.

Now for many years, I thought I'd never have the incredible opportunity to hate a new Star Wars film ever again, but Lucas surprised us all by selling off his company to Disney. Now Lucas has set his sights on donating his great wealth to philanthropic endeavors, like educating inner city children and feeding the starving in Africa, as if that could ever make up for the cinematic sins of the Prequel trilogy. However, I think we can all see Lucas's charity for what it truly is. It's merely a ploy to make us forget about Lucas's insatiable lust for money that compelled him to reinvest nearly all of his earnings into a Lucasfilm, a company whose nefarious purpose was to sell toys that we loved to buy; develop video games that could immerse us in the Star Wars universe; advance digital editing, sound, projection and film techniques; and create state-of-the-art special effects in some of the most popular films of the 21st century. Lucas must think us fools!

These days I am excitedly awaiting the release of The Force Awakens, as I plan to watch it innumerable times, giving me the opportunity to nitpick it to death until I am certain I hate it too. I have great hope that Disney will create a film that will allow me to do just this, and in all probability, they will succeed, as I am a sophisticated enough film viewer to discover flaws in whatever Star Wars film I get as long as I'm given enough time and am able to read enough Yahoo! comments. Lucas couldn't have chosen a better company to continue Star Wars' slow death march. The Disney corporation has already tarnished Walt Disney's legacy, and so how better to further tarnish the legacy that Lucas has already tarnished than to sell to the Disney corporation itself? And what better way could Disney come up with to increase the hate and divisiveness than immediately turning Star Wars against itself by trying to create distance from its creator George Lucas and destroy half his saga? That was a brilliant move right out of the gate! Lucas must have known what he was doing when he sold to Disney. And what really inspires me about Disney is the quantity of Star Wars films that they plan to pump out. Unlike Lucas, they're not in it for the money. They know the best way to make films is to rashly produce them with little planning, no introspection, in quick succession. In the past, I had to wait three years before receiving another Star Wars film to hate. Now, Disney will be releasing a film a year that I will inevitably grow to despise, and in the meantime, I've already quickly learned to hate Rebels too. One fear I have about all this new Star Wars content is that I won't have the time to fully digest why these films so fully deserve the disdain of the earth's entire populace before I get to move on to hating the next release. Hatred is always best when it slowly simmers before coming to a boil, and Disney might interrupt that delicate rhythm, but who am I to complain? Quantity trumps lack of quality any day. The more to hate, the merrier!

In the meantime, before The Force Awakens comes out, I'm going to focus my attention on trying to hate Return of the Jedi a little more. I think in my haste to contrast the Prequel trilogy with the Classic trilogy I may have been too lenient with this one. Luke's plan doesn't make much sense, Chewie does make a Tarzan call, Sarlacc does burp, and that Ewok hits himself in the head with his bola-thingy for a cheap laugh. Think how much I'd hate those things if Lucas had added them in Special Edition! Now that I think of it, it's also kind of bad when Chewie growls at the mouse droid or Han goes running after the half-dozen stormtroopers or when Leia says, "I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brains," or when Luke is like a terrible, terrible student, and then thinks he can kick Vader's ass, and really, why the heck would the Death Star have such an obvious design flaw? If you think I'm making the wrong choice here by turning my sights on the Classic trilogy, let me point out that maybe you're not the devoted Star Wars fan that I am. Some other important movements in the last century were hell-bent on eliminating anything undesirable, and to be honest, I'm not sure how those turned out, but that's certainly the type of philosophy that in my mind typifies the high point of Star Wars fandom. Renowned New York Times critic Pauline Kael, in her stridently negative review of the original Star Wars, only found herself aesthetically moved by one shot, and one shot alone -- Luke staring off at the binary sunset as his theme plays in the background. That's the type of Star Wars fan I'd like to become some day: so demanding, so critical, that I can tolerate virtually none of it. Unlike Kael, I personally find myself more attracted to another moment in the Saga above all others: that void of blackness set between "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" and the appearance of the opening title underscored by Star Wars' blaring musical theme. For some reason, that black empty void has a special place in my heart, almost as if it's a part of me.

Well, Nien's now doing his "talking in a Jar Jar voice" thing again. So, I gotta get going. Time for a few more hours of darkened basement seclusion for my boy, and a few more hours memorizing RLM talking points for me.

I hope you learned a little about being a better Star Wars fan/hater here. At least it allowed me to get a little bile out of my system. Of course, the rage and self-hatred will be back tomorrow. Funny how life is like that, isn't it?



(Yes, this is a parody!)

 

meh... As I started to read it I was looking forward to it, until I hit the part about Bush. I could do without the dialogue that makes it seem only one side of the politic criminals in Washington are capable of lying. Kind of turned me off to whatever you had to say past that.

 

I can not believe that I actually read this very long post. It is funny, I have to admit.

 

Um, okay.

 

Spam - you've been warned before.

 

"I have feared this day for...*FAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT*"

 

This needs to be stickied.

 

Yeah. Apart from the anti-Republican rhetoric,it was pretty funny.

 

I hate republicans so it didn't bug me. Anywho I loved this post I agree it needs to be sticked.

 

Oh, I'm no fan of either party, or most politicians in general. If you're a big fan of one party, sorry about that, but I look upon both parties pretty negatively. If I could've come up with other political parallels that fit, then I would've. (For instance, later I indirectly bring up the Bataan Death March and political philosophies that demand purity: communism, nazis. It's just exaggeration for comedic purposes.) Comparing it to the Iraq war just allowed me to show how out of proportion the anger is of people who still literally hate the PT and GL. Guys, it's not a war; it's just a movie. The "if you're not with us, you're against us" worked well because Lucas was alluding to that in ROTS, and because it's an example looking at something in black and white: PT bad vs OT good. I actually think that may have been Bush's way of making something very clear to Pakistan: either you choose to be on the side of the US or you choose to keep siding with the Taliban; if you choose the latter, you'll be dealing with our military. Others took it as if Bush was threatening the whole world (as GL seems to have). I have no idea what Bush really meant.

Also, I needed a transition from my 1st paragraph to the 2nd, and denial provided that transition. Really, I'm not talking about Bush himself there. I'm referring to Rumsfeld and Cheney and people like Judith Miller (NYT reporter) who won't admit they got anything at all wrong. Of course, Bubba Clinton refused to admit many of his mistakes. For instance, for years he dismissed the idea that his participation in the repeal of the Glass-Steagal act directly led to the 2008 financial collapse, but it clearly did. (Glass-Steagal regulated big banks and its repeal allowed them to do risky things with their investments, including people's mortgages; those risky decisions helped cause the 2008 recession.) But Clinton wouldn't serve as a good transition to what followed and people aren't as familiar with the stuff that Clinton won't own up to.

Oh, and about my signature: Yes, I do not like Donald Trump. I think he's a narcissist, a loud-mouth, and unqualified to serve as president. I think that if the GOP doesn't recognize this about Trump, then maybe their time has come. Also, I think his participation in the GOP field is going to hurt the GOP. Sorry if you're a Trump fan. That's just my view of him. Mostly, though, I just like how I could fit that Batman Begins' quote around him.

 

No need to apologize for your views, especially to me.

The political divisiveness based on party that has engulfed the U.S. is sickening to me. How one parties supporters will spew over-exaggerated outrage at the other party, but conveniently forget their parties own members actions, and even their own complicity in the very actions of the opposite party they are spewing against is tiresome. So right away it is an extreme turn off for me.

I see where you are coming from in your explanation. However, the use of Bush did this or lied about that will forever be a shut down moment for me when someone includes it in their work (unless it is a political piece in which it is relevant), even metaphorically or rhetorically. It's use as a rallying cry for the Democratic Party in the war between political parties , meanwhile the Dems ignoring that their own people voted for the war, when they had access to the "make believe" evidence, much of which came from Clintons years as president, just is a perfect example of the political bull**** I am tired of...

/soapbox...

Edit.. and I apologize to you for derailing your thread... I won't do it again.!

 

See you in 24.

 

I hope, like what happens to The Onion ever so often, people miss this ending statement and think you're 100% serious.

 

I did initially until I detected the undue snide tone.

 

I CRIE EVERYTIEM.

 

Great thread! I just watched the PT with my girlfriend. It turned out different than I expected. Almost like opening up old wounds. Doing some soul searching

 

Well that was interesting

Thanks for making my 4 AM. I'm off to bed now

 

good call on the decision to add the title edit, mods

 

heels1785, yes, thanks for the edit.

I was thinking about putting "a parody" into the title, but didn't. My bad. I should've realized that especially if people aren't closely reading, they might not catch my tone. The same thing somewhat happened with another satirical post of mine where I argued the limitations of Greedo's arthropod-like compound eye are what made him such a bad shot that he missed Han in their shootout. I should've learned from that mistake.

Also, sorry if this thread is giving you any additional headaches as a Mod. I just wrote it in fun, and I hope everyone can enjoy it that way.

 

I couldn't resist to laugh loud at my office when I read your quote comparing the Prequel Trilogy to New Coke! "Classic Coke is always better!"

 

lol, thank you for reminding me of that "The Physiology of the Compound Eye" OP, which was also a hoot. This one and that one are tied with your "Would Wearing Rubber Boots Provide Any Protection From Force Lightning?" one for my top three Nerdling threads.*

*Edit: with honorable mention to the thread about GL being a pioneer of gay rights/gay cinema due to Plagueis and Palps being essentially Anakin's gay parents