Before Schism--NaNo story--OCs. Belated final replies and THANKS! 7/1

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Jedi_Perigrine, Nov 25, 2008.

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  1. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Title: Schism
    Author: ME!
    Characters: OCs, with a side of Yoda
    Genre: Action, drama, angst
    Time Period: about 300 years before Episode 1


    It's been a while since I've posted a story, so it's about time I do that! This is my winning submission to NaNoWriMo. I hope you enjoy reading! Feel free to leave comments and suggestions. Thanks very much!

    *Edited for an unexpected language issue
    ______________________________

    As he stood outside a small conference room waiting for his impromptu meeting with Master Yoda to begin, Jedi Knight Pelt Quar absent-mindedly adjusted his midnight blue robe over his tailored black tunic and loose fitting trousers. He was pleased with the way his garb made him look, and he didn?t want the effect spoiled by a couple of wrinkles. Long, loosely flowing ginger-brown hair almost reached the middle of his back. His hair was all uniform length and cut just so; he only trusted one barber. His hard, angular jaw was always clean shaven. He refused to wear what the fashionistas were calling a ?soul patch??the strip of beard that ran from the bottom of his lower lip to just above the end of the chin. It was his one rebellion in the galaxy of popular human styles. Gray eyes stared hard at his tall frame in the nearly-reflective wall, hoping to see the affect of his fastidious grooming.

    Distant steps from behind caused him to turn and see the approaching party of people. A bug-eyed, silver-plated humanoid protocol droid was leading a group of dignitaries from who-knew-where. Four of them wore the armor of soldiers or bodyguards, while a man, perhaps ten years older than Pelt escorted what appeared to be his daughter through the Temple halls.

    Her eyes locked onto his and a slow appreciative grin crept across her face. When he smiled back, she blushed furiously and broke eye contact. Pelt bowed modestly as they passed, barely hiding his open leering at the young woman?s figure. He couldn?t suppress a wink as she turned around, causing yet another rosy glow to warm her pale features.

    ?Others you might be able to convince of your modesty, but fooled, the Jedi are not.?

    Yoda?s voice behind him was completely unexpected. Pelt flinched, turning to face the diminutive Jedi, unable to think of anything to say that wouldn?t make him seem more pompous. Instead, he bowed again, much more deeply this time.

    Green eyes regarded him from almost a meter and a half below. Yoda finally gave a jerking nod. ?Wise you are to hold your tongue. In.? One sharp-nailed digit pointed towards the door opened to the conference room.

    Unwilling to risk more trouble, Pelt strode inside. His stride faltered when he saw the other Masters waiting for him, though. Hruuvokka, the newly raised Wookiee Jedi Master growled a welcome that could have been mistaken for a growl of another kind. Two other Jedi Council members, ancient humans both, regarded him coolly.

    A clandestine meeting was most likely not the news he had been hoping to hear. Promotion to Jedi Master would probably not be coming this day.

    Yoda hobbled by, heading towards the seat situated next to the other three Jedi.
    Hruuvokka howled a few grunts, signaling the beginning of the meeting that Pelt had been ordered to attend.

    ?Do you know why you?re here?? Davip Galgalor asked mildly, hands steepled over his nose. His wrinkled face was so permeated with lines it appeared his face could slough off at any time.

    ?No, Masters,? Pelt replied, trying to sound meek.

    ?Well I?ll tell you why you?re here,? Pul Tchar, the other human Master cut in. Unwilling to beat around the bush, he bypassed the polite way the other Masters might have spent half an hour trying to communicate their same opinion. ?The four of us think you?re an arrogant, egotistical slimo unfit to be promoted beyond Jedi Knight.? There was no malicious intent behind the words, no anger. But there was distrust, and at least a little dislike in his tone.

    The news stunned Pelt enough to drop his jaw. He never meant to come across as such
  2. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Wow! Wonderfully done, and beautifully crafted OCs!

    =D=
  3. Lilith Demodae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
    Rats, the post stopped. Is there any chace you've been posting this over at the Nest? I don't wanna wait for the next bit. The character you've created here has got my total attention.

    Be sure to let me know when you post again!

  4. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Good - Pelt needs to be taken down an peg or two or three. I think this girl will do him very well and he will be good for him as well.

    Well done.
  5. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Hiya V! Thanks for stopping by and for the wonderful compliments. :D

    Lilith: Sorry it stopped! I figured I might get a few complaints if I put all 100 pages in one post. ;) This is a TJC only story, don't plan on posting this one on the Nest. Don't worry though, I'll be posting every Tuesday and Friday till this hummer is done.

    diane: Good to see you here as well! Thanks for reading!

    I will be taking a PM list, so if you're interested in getting the updates, let me know.

    Here's the next section!

    __________________________________________


    Pelt sat in front of the stage next to a big-headed, dark brown skinned Ithorian inside the auditorium packed to the rafters with people. The Ithorian?s big hands scrolled through the list of potential apprentice candidates. Everybody sitting with Pelt had a preference on which young student they would select, but they all had backup choices in mind as well, in case their first or second preference was taken before their turn. Once the random order selection had been distributed, the Knights and Masters would select their Padawan, one by one.

    The twenty Jedi looking to take apprentices watched the twenty-one young sentients hoping to be chosen. This year almost every potential Padawan was near the age of refusal. If those were not selected now, they would be shipped off-world and delivered to AgriCorps, where they would perform hard labor terraforming a world barely able to sustain life. After five years of hard work, they would have earned enough money to buy passage off the planet to choose any life they wished, though they would be completely separate from the Jedi.

    Pelt clutched a datapad in numb fingers. His eyes were completely unfocused, the rest of his senses were practically turned off as well. He didn?t see the thousands and thousands of citizens in the stadium stands, anxious for the once a year event. He didn?t hear their muted conversations flushed with excitement. He didn?t even turn his nose up at the smell of sweat and foreign body odor of hundreds of alien species as they practically sat on top of him. Pelt couldn?t bring himself to look at either of the young people whose lives he would be a part of, either. He couldn?t bare to watch Hilaal as she did her best to hide behind the taller frames of her classmates, or Naan?s seemingly relaxed stance as he threw jaunty little waves into the crowd, as though he were a star athlete about to take the field for his favorite event.

    The insistent beep of his datapad was barely enough to break him out of his stupor. ?The lottery is complete. You may examine your datapads and see the order at which you may choose your new apprentices!? a cheery voice announced over the loudspeakers. ?Would the sentient who drew number one please stand!?

    An Aqualish Jedi bounded to his feet, adjusting his robes happily. Pelt let his mind wander as the large-throated Master gave a speech about the importance of the day, and how vital Jedi interaction was in the Republic?s society. When all the talk was finished, the Aqualish picked a young Zabarak girl who beamed with pride at being chosen first. Her selection didn?t surprise Pelt. She was the most promising student by far, of the entire group of potentials. A roar of applause filled the stadium. The Master and his new student stood proudly, side by side until the clapping finally subsided.

    Only as the pair left the stage did Pelt glance down to see which number he had drawn.

    In bright, glowing green numbers, his datapad steadily blinked. ?20.?

    He almost laughed out loud, realizing that he would never even get a chance to select Naan. Somebody would scoop him up long before Pelt could. The desire to laugh sank into his stomach as reality set in and he was forced to remember who he was going to choose as Padawan. So deep in despair he was that he didn?t notice the second selection had already passed.

    ?Number three! Stand up!?

    Pelt glanced at Uvhal Ickchar?one of his closest friends in the Order?as t
  6. JediKaren Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2007
    star 3
    awww poor dude! Poor kid too.
    This is so good. Please keep going!
  7. Ubersue Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 2008
    star 3
    Wow, great story!


    ?Others you might be able to convince of your modesty, but fooled, the Jedi are not.?


    Heheh. This is why I love Yoda.

    I like how Pelt seems to fancy himself as a real Gary Stu and the Jedi Council aren't letting him get away with it. It's very entertaining!

    I hope Naan gets to become a Jedi, though... Pelt's arrogance isn't his fault!

    Can you put me on your PM list, please?
  8. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Thank you very much! I appreciate you stopping by, it's always great to see a new face. :) Don't worry about the story, it's done. I'm just torturing you poor readers by releasing a little bit at a time. ;)

    Consider yourself added! Thanks for reading and your comments, they're definitely appreciated. Naan, as you might imagine, is not very pleased right about now. Neither is Pelt. They're both gonna go through a lot of heartache, but that's why you pay me the big bucks to write their story. Nobody wants to read a story with no conflict. ;)

    Stay tuned for tomorrow's post!
  9. p_stotts Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 21, 2001
    star 4
    Thanks for the link, Peri! Looks like this story is up to your usual standards of excellence. I love your word imagery. You have such a unique gift for description! Love the story so far! Too bad for the boy. In a way it mirrors what happens to Obi-Wan years later. Through Yoda's machinations, a student with unlimited potential is shipped off to Agri-Corps. Such a waste. But then, perhaps the boy would have turned out to be another Xanatos. Who knows?

    Please PM me when you update.
  10. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Thanks for stopping by to give this a read! I especially love the flattery part. ;) I hadn't realized Pelt/Naan so closely mirrored Obi-wan/Qui-Gon. Wasn't my intention--I haven't read any saga profic. :D I'm pretty sure I'm following a different mental thread than Obi's childhood though. Hope so, at least. Lemme know if I'm unwittingly plagerizing.

    Consider yourself pm'ed!

    And now, the story continues...

    ________________________________________

    Several hours later, Hilaal Yuchee?s eyes popped open to see Pelt Quar, sitting on the edge of her bed. She groaned as she saw him.

    ?I thought it was a nightmare,? she said, slapping one delicate hand over her deep blue eyes. ?But I guess it really happened, huh??

    Pelt put down the datapad he had been reading and gave his best smile. ?I?m afraid we were both a part of that nightmare. I?m sorry the crowd treated us so harshly.?

    ?Hey, you?re the numbskull who picked me,? Hilaal retorted. ?If you felt so mistreated, it?s your own stupid fault. I never asked you to choose me. I didn?t want to be chosen!? she shouted, though the words rang hollow.

    Pelt picked up on her thoughts. She had wanted to be picked. Desperately. But she had decided it wasn?t going to happen and had resigned herself to that fact.

    ?Yes you did,? Pelt countered. ?You wanted to be chosen. You needed to be chosen.?

    She sat up suddenly, pointing at him angrily. ?Not by you! You?ve been grooming Naan to be your student ever since I can remember. Did you feel so sorry for me you threw all that away??

    ?Pity for you had nothing to do to it,? he retorted, patience beginning to wear thin.
    Her cobalt eyes, suddenly aflame were penetrating his, as though trying to dig through his thoughts. Quickly his mental shields went up, but she didn?t seem to need to read his thoughts.

    ?You were coerced.? Her head was cocked at a slight angle, her expression thoughtful. ?Someone forced you to take me.?

    How could she come to the truth so quickly? he wondered to himself. Is she that perceptive, or was it just a lucky guess?

    ?I could have chosen Naan,? he answered firmly. ?Nobody forced me to select you.? He left out the part where his life would be impossibly boring if he didn?t. His own attitudes towards adventure had held him hostage and forced the decision. If he could have been content with existence as a librarian, he would have selected Naan.

    The look Hilaal gave him said she doubted his words. She glared at him instead of calling him on his near-lie, arms crossed in front of her chest.

    ?I?ve had all of your things moved to my room. Tomorrow we?ll get started with your training.?

    ?Whatever.?

    Pelt leaned his head towards hers angrily. ?Do you want to be a Jedi?? She blanched and backed away. ?Do you?? he demanded again, this time more loudly.
    There was fear behind her eyes, but there was the hint of some steel, too. ?Yes,? she answered, shoving her face back towards his.

    ?All right then! A Jedi radiates power and is always serene, sure of their abilities. Even if I can?t teach you how to levitate your toothbrush, you will learn self-confidence. You will learn how to carry yourself with honor and self-respect, because if there?s anybody in the entire Jedi Temple who can grow you an ego bigger than the universe, it?s me!?

    Hilaal unexpectedly giggled girlishly. ?I think that?s the first completely true statement you?ve ever said to me.?

    Pelt let out a quick burst of air as he stood. ?Pff.? His face warred be
  11. Ubersue Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 2008
    star 3
    Thanks for the PM! :D

    Great update! Hm, it seems Hilaal has a lot more potential than Pelt had thought...

    I like the interaction between the two, it's very sweet. Can't wait to read more!
  12. p_stotts Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 21, 2001
    star 4
    Great update! Thanks for the PM. It seems every padawan has his/her/its own unique challenges and potential. Hilaal's longsuit just might be negotiations. She has a quick, sharp mind. It's just that no one has ever bothered to look deep enough to see that. Personally, I think Pelt is going to have to push her harder than he has so far. I get the impression that she won't try things on her own at first, and coaxing her doesn't seem the way to go. Positive reinforcement would do her good as well.
  13. JediKaren Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2007
    star 3
    aww this is so good! I can't wait for the next chapter.
  14. Lilith Demodae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
    I'll stop lurking and ask for another post. [face_batting]
  15. Jinngerbread Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 2, 2007
    star 4
    This is a really good story, Perigrine. Your OC's have a lot of work to do in getting to know each other, if they can break through the ice between them. :p

    Really wasn't expecting the Masters to blackmail him into picking an apprentice, but can't really put it past Yoda. :p

    Never know what that old troll will get up to. ;)

    Really excellent work! I definitely want to be added to your PM list!

  16. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    More shall you have tomorrow! Thanks very much for commenting! As you might be able to guess, Hilaal has more potential than anybody might have ever thought... But there are some high hurdles they have to leap over before anything starts to go right.

    Ahhh, if Pelt could have read your replies, his life would have been far easier. Of course, who would want that? :D Thanks very much for your insightful comments!

    Fortunately, the next chapter comes tomorrow! Thanks for reading!

    Beggar! ;) Keep at it though, it assuages my gianormous ego.

    Wow! Thanks a ton, I'm glad you like the story! You're definitely added to the PM list.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who calls Yoda 'that old troll.' :D Next update strikes tomorrow!

    Thank you all very much for reading!
  17. Lilith Demodae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
    If begging will get me posts faster, then I am not ashamed to do it. Not if the story is as good as this one is shaping up to be.
  18. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    You're sweet. How can I refuse a request like that? :D Here you go!

    ________________________________

    Hilaal?s nerves were already shot from her nightmares. Unnatural dark dreams involving a terrifying hooded presence had leeched all her hope and uncovered the realization that she didn?t belong in the Temple, nor would she, ever. Deciding to run away had only increased her inner panic, amplifying her blood pressure and sending violent surges pulsating through her veins. Even in the minutes after those dreams had startled her awake, she thought she could still sense an evil presence watching her. Waiting.

    Hilaal quietly slipped out from underneath the covers and put her toes on the soft carpet. She stood and gave a cursory glance through her backpack that hadn?t been unpacked yet. So far, Pelt hadn?t stirred. That made leaving that much easier but it didn?t slow the thunderous pounding of her heart. After double-checking the bag?s contents, her only regret was that she didn?t have a warmer cloak in there. Moving ever so carefully, she opened one of Pelt?s drawers. Luck was with her, for she found a whole slough of Pelt?s reserves. She shifted away the top few, for they seemed to be folded the neatest. She didn?t want him chasing her to get back one of his prized cloaks. As far as Hilaal was concerned, the ones near the bottom of the drawer weren?t luxurious enough for Pelt to care about, so she picked the bottom one. Afterward, she softly folded things back to the way they used to be and gently shut the cabinet.

    Moving as stealthily as she could, she draped the stolen cloak over her belongings and moved to the door. She risked one last glance at the man who had inexplicably chosen her and for the first time she felt a little conflict. He had chosen her after all, and been nothing but nice to her so far, even though she was relatively sure he was just acting. He couldn?t really have an interest in her; nobody did. It was then that the nebulous impressions of her dreams came whispering back into her mind, like an actively running ranting commentary that someone was channeling directly into her brain.

    He doesn?t want you he?ll just cast you aside when he?s finished with you he doesn?t really care nobody cares you?re better off alone. You must leave yes leave go away nobody wants you here. You?re not a Jedi, the rambling voice paused long enough to guffaw. The sound of amused laughter didn?t last long though, and soon the voice was back, droning in her ear. You?ll never be a Jedi so weak so insignificant so pitiful you must leave?

    Still the whispering voice spoke on, as it had while shadowing her dreams with self-doubt. She shook her head trying to clear it. Doing so didn?t banish the voice but she had somehow muted it to the point where she could at least think.

    As she stared at Pelt for another minute, she knew somehow that he didn?t really want her to leave. The longer she delayed, however, the louder, the more insistent her inner voice was becoming. In a fit of frustration she yelled to the voice inside her mind.

    Shut up!

    For fractions of a second, there was an image resembling a dark-cloaked presence that flashed across her mind. Though the figure?s likeness was short-lived, a pair of glowing red eyes remained behind like the after-image impressed on her eyeballs after a sudden bright flash of light.

    Her time to stay and gawk had passed. As she slipped through the door, she raced down the deserted corridors of the sleeping quarters of Jedi Knights and Masters alike. Nobody was about except her. Even so, there was food waiting in the dining room. She ordered a hot breakfast to go and loaded the rest of the free space in her pack with as many ration bars as she could stuff in before continuing towards the exit. Just before she had left the Temple altogether, she st
  19. p_stotts Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 21, 2001
    star 4
    [face_dancing] Yay! I get first post!

    Now Hilaal is concerned! What's the old axiom -- you don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's good that he does care. Now he just has to convince his padawan. The best thing would be for her to tell him about the voice in her head, but somehow I think she'll keep that to herself for a good long time. Hope the Jedi find her before someone more unpleasant does.

    Please don't wait long to post the next part of this wonderful fic.
  20. Jinngerbread Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 2, 2007
    star 4
    Awww no, I was worried that she might do that. :( Especially since she knows that Pelt didn't really want her at first. It would be a logical reaction. I just hope she's not bitten off way more than she can chew, running away.

    Looking forward to more!
  21. Ubersue Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 2008
    star 3
    Great update! Poor Hilaal, I hope she doesn't run too far... Coruscant doesn't strike me as a very safe place for a kid out on her own.

    Thanks for the PM! Looking forward to more!
  22. JediKaren Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2007
    star 3
    Aww poor her! Great chapter! I totally love your writing. Strange how our stories are alike!
  23. Ceillean Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 13, 2001
    star 5
    I love this!
    I find your OC Pelt to be very intriguing. :) I hope he finds Hilaal soon! The both of them aren't willing to admit it, but to me it seems the both of them need each other. :)

    Your writing is wonderful, by the way. I ususally have problems sitting through three or more updates when reading a new story but you had me hooked from the first word to the last.

    =D=

    Would you PM me when you update?

  24. Thumper09 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 9, 2001
    star 4
    Sorry for the delay in getting here, Peri, but I'm all caught up now. It's fun seeing what you were working on for all of November! :)

    Great stuff so far! So the arrogant Jedi is... ah... encouraged to take Hilaal to learn some humility, and when he does so, the crowd considers it to be a result of his arrogance thinking he can teach her. Poor guy can't win. That's some cruel irony there. Well, I think irony is the most appropriate term. Whatever it is, it's cruel. :p Between the other Jedi not picking Naan so Pelt could have him, the implications of no one picking Naan even with his potential, and Pelt finally choosing Hilaal, that whole scene really ran the gamut of emotions. Awesome job! I felt really bad for both Naan and Pelt.


    You will learn how to carry yourself with honor and self-respect, because if there?s anybody in the entire Jedi Temple who can grow you an ego bigger than the universe, it?s me!

    LOL, that's a great line. :D Good to know that Pelt can see the glass as half full. Play to your strengths, Pelt! ;)

    Aww, they were just starting to tolerate each other, and Hilaal ran away. :( Hopefully Pelt, Uvhall and Hayrl can find her soon. I wouldn't want to be alone on Coruscant as a kid, especially with those types of nightmares and voices. (BTW, I'm starting to really like Uvhall.)

    Again, great job!
  25. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Yeah, "don't know what ya got...til it's gooooonneee" is a pretty famous lyric from a hairband group too...don't remember which one. As someone who's never, EVER had voices in his head (sssshhh, I'm not talking to you, self), I can understand the reluctance to announce hearing voices. Thanks very much for your thoughts and comments!


    Young people always bite off more than they can chew when they run off. While Hilaal might not be an exception, it's good to know there are Jedi out there, trying to find her! Thanks for reading! More cometh soon!

    No, it's definitely not. But where there's danger, there's opportunity! You'll just have to see how she does. :D

    Yeah, it is! Weird how that works, huh? Still, there are some huge differences. Hilaal didn't get special attention from Yoda like Sarafire does. My character really missed out, comparatively! :)

    I'd be happy to PM you! Thanks very much for taking the time to read through my fic and for your wonderful compliments! I'm pleased to see you in my thread. :) Stay tuned for more, soon!

    Hiya Thumps! Glad you made it!

    I like that part too, with the
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