script help for fan film

hi,
i am curently in pre-production for a fan film being filmed this summer in new jersey. i have the first draft of the script done and am currently working on a final draft. i was wondering if anyone had any ideas for the script. the first draft can be found at www.luckystarpro.com

Thanks,
David A

 

Formatting, spelling and grammatical errors aside - it's not a good script.

There's problems with exposition, continuity with the source material, characters doing things out of character for no apparent reason, dialogue that is beyond wooden...

If you want a more detailed breakdown let me know and I'll e-mail/ PM you one.

 

Vader: follow them to crouscant and kill them before they can reach the council

Mmmmmm...Croissant.

 

Don't eat too many of them, though. They're light and buttery..but they are the baked good of the dark side.

 

well my spelling sucks....ive known that one for years...as far as the script goes, this was written in abot a day and a half and mostly just ideas at this point.i would like to know what points you like/dont like and also any ideas ou have for improving this.

Thanks
David A

 

See PM.

 

well one of the people workin on this with me and myself have fixed up the script quite a bit...it still needs a bit of work....take a look at it now www.luckystarpro.com . im still trying to find names for the 2 main jedi, anyone have some ideas?

Thanks again
David A

 

The start is certainly more exciting than it was.

However, it's still full of problems - mainly to do with the dialogue. Dialogue should advance the story and tell us about the characters - not restate the bleeding obvious. It really needs to be cut back to what NEEDS to be said to push the story along.

The opening line of dialogue from the Spy is superfluous as is most of Vader's dialogue. He says 'foreseen' too much, and the whole scene where he chokes the Admiral is incredibly derivative. You could do another take on this, simply by having Vader staring out the window as the Jedi ship escapes to hyperspace and the Admiral falling over dead in the background. Vader exits the bridge with a "Set course for Nar Shadaa". And that's it. None of this overdone "You have failed me" nonsense.

The re-written cantina scene is still useless. "We must hurry! But let's go for a drink first."

The journey to Tatooine is pointless too. Find another way for the Jedi to find out about the attack.

As for the end battle, again it's pointless. 400 vs. 9? Remember Obi-Wan's "There are alternatives to fighting"? A good alternative in this case is to run. You need to FORCE (verb not noun) the Jedi into a confrontation. As it stands, they can just jump on a ship and take off (the ship the Male Jedi and Elena came on if nothing else), yet they stand and fight - for what? The Academy? I think the Jedi know when it's a good time to make a tactical withdrawal. On top of that - a battle on the scale you're describing has it's own set of problems (unless you have a copy of Massive).

Needs LOTS more work, but since the start is an improvement, there's no reason to think the rest won't follow suit in subsequent drafts.