Script Writing Round Robin

There is always a lot of talk on this board about fan films having compelling stories. Many members post partial scripts for review and many other members read these and offer opinions. There is the oft quoted George Lucas quip about "a special effect without a story blah blah blah", much "of the" commentary, and the now infamous "keep the stupid Jedi out of the forest" thing. Many folks complain about being tired of seeing the whole Jedi vs Sith thing. But I have lately been thinking, how many of us actually know how to write a good story?

I have read many books on the subject of writing. Some are long, some short. They talk about the different parts of a story, some mention three act structure, many give advice on character development, some even insist on using specific literary devices and writing styles. All the books I've read focus on different aspects of writing, but each shares this one piece of advice as paramount to everything else: To become a good writer, you have to write.

With that advice in mind, I present this thread.

The rules are simple. I will begin a script, and each consecutive post should add a bit (a few lines, a bit of dialogue, even a whole scene) to the story. Structure is unimportant. You can write your additions in any way you choose, use as much description as you like. The important thing here is the writing. There are no limits. You may take the story in any direction you like. Add characters, built civilizations, have lunch with Jabba the Hutt. It doesn't matter. Anything you can think of is possible here. There are no budgetary or effects constraints, no rules of any kind, other than you must add something to the story, and attempt to keep it moving forward.

So, without further ado, here begins our story.

-tm
EDIT: Capitalization


Untitled

written by

Us


Int. A cave looking out into a bright day

Three silhouettes pass in front of the cave mouth and turn to look in. A low rumble can be heard, increasing in volume. A small shuttle lands behind the three figures, a ramp lowers, and two humanoids come down the ramp. The two walk to the mouth of the cave.

ARGENT (the taller biped)

It's in here, is it?

KATELLA

Yes. Seventy meters or so...

ARGENT <gesturing toward the cave>

Shall we?

 

ARGENT and KATELLA enter the cave. It's dark and wet, the sound of water drops echoes throughout. ARGENT pops on a portable lantern.

ARGENT
This is a tad bit creepy.

KATELLA
Just keep in mind what we're looking for.

ARGENT
Right...

ARGENT and KATELLA continue through the cave, looking around. On the walls are odd markings and what look like blood stains.

ARGENT
Is that...?

KATELLA
Blood?

KATELLA sticks a finger out and rubs the stain, then proceeds to lick her finger.

KATELLA
Yep. Fresh too. We must be getting close.

ARGENT
Is that a bad thing?

KATELLA
I guess we'll find out soon enough. This way.

ARGENT and KATELLA descend into a smaller chamber, into the darkness.

 

A red glow begins to grow upon ARGENT and KATELLA's faces.


Cut to:
Ext-The Cave

The three formerly seen silhouettes are huddled around some cylindrical device.

SMUGGLER 1:
Do you think it's really worth this? I know it's a lot of money, but...

SMUGGLER 2:
They're Jedi. And besides, Dooku trusts them. This is important, remember.

SMUGGLER 3 keeps silent, watching the sky warily.

SMUGGLER 1: I never forget.

 

SMUGGLER 3 looks down from the sky toward the other two.

SMUGGLER 3: Quiet, you two. Concentrate on what you're doing. We don't have long before they're back.

The three continue to work in silence.

 

Int. of cave.
Red glow on ARGENT and KATELLA"S faces

Argent

Are you sure about this...i mean...what if there's nothing here..?

Katella

it will be here! just stay alert!

There is a high pitched piercing scream from further in the cave.

EXT. of Cave

The smugglers suddenly look into the cave with fear on their faces...

SMUGGLER 1

what's that?

Smuggler 2

oh no...oh no!

Smuggler 3

They found it!

Smuggler 2

LET"S GET OUT OF HERE

The smugglers run away into the surrounding scrub...

 

EDIT: Oops!

-tm

 

Argent and Katella contiue walking along. Katella trips.

ARGENT
Are you ok?

KATELLA
I'm fine! Let's keep going!

They round a corner and find themselves in a well-lit giantic room. The sound suddenly stops

KATELLA
Yes! We've found it!

ARGENT
At last!

cut to ext. cave - shrubs

Smuggler 1
Should we go back to the ship?

Smuggler 2
No let's wait and see what happens! This could be interesting!

Smuggler 3 nods but keeps silent

 

Ignore this part if you want to, but I just couldn't help myself.


Cut to:
INT-Cave

KATELLA
I found it!

ARGENT
The plot?

KATELLA
(crouching over a shadowy object)
NO! What we've been looking for!

ARGENT
It looks like a quasi-futuristic briefcase...

KATELLA
(opens it and light spills out, the camera does not see what's inside)
(awed)Wow, it's so shiney!

ARGENT
Yeah, but what is it?

KATELLA
(slamming it shut)
Don't say that! Can't you see the writer is trying to rehash a concept from Pulp
Fiction?

ARGENT
Hmm, I never saw that. Quentin Tarrentino seems...well like a giant nerd to me. I
could never get past it.

KATELLA
(standing holding case)
Whatever, Jedi.

ARGENT
...touche

KATELLA
C'mon, let's get out of here.

ARGENT
Hey look, I think I found Mace Windu's wallet! It says "Bad Mother-F..."

KATELLA
(spinning around to face ARGENT)
Shut up you idiot! This is suppose to be PG!

ARGENT
Does that mean you're clothes are staying on?

KATELLA
(glares at ARGENT)
...I can hurt you.
(walks towards cave enterance)

ARGENT
Fooey. Now I don't even want to do this.

KATELLA
(shouting back)
Let's GO!

Outside the cave they meet up with the smugglers.

KATELLA
Where is #2?

SMUGGLER #3
Behind those rocks.

ARGENT
(nudges SMUGGLER #1 in the ribs)
Had to take a #1, eh? Eh? Get it?

SMUGGLER #1
Just for that I'm demanding hazard pay.

ARGENT
Sure thing, pal. Like I'll have to pay it. When the Sith shows up while we're walking through that forest over there you'll be decapitated anyway.

SMUGGLER #1
Sweet Yoda on a biscuit, he's right!

KATELLA
How do you know that we're not the Sith?

ARGENT
Lemme check.
(ignites lightsaber, it sheds a green glow)
Looks like we're the good guys.

SMUGGLER #1
My whole existence is a lie...

ARGENT
Guess that means no dominitrix outfits then.

KATELLA
Since we're good Jedi maybe you should TRY TO ACT ENLIGHTENED!

ARGENT
(grinning like an idiot)
Anger leads to the Dark Side.

KATELLA
(tackles ARGENT)
ARRRGH!!!

ARGENT
Help!

SMUGGLER #1
I don't even have a name and I'm going to die some horrible death just to move the plot along...

SMUGGLER #2
(emerging from behind rocks)
Such as it is. Uh, lady I don't think you're lightsaber will fit in there.

ARGENT
(whimpering)

SMUGGLER #3
(staring into the clouds dramtically has the wind tosses his hair (tenticles or whatever) and looks boldly into a future, uncertain!)
...

SMUGGLER #2
What's with the "..."?

SMUGGLER #1
Anime fan? I dunno.


EDIT
The Jedi are both guys? Oh wow, this takes on a whole new level with that in mind...

EDIT

ARGENT
Tumble said 'hole,' hehehe.

PROCTOLOGIST
Do try to hold still. Nurse, I'm going to need a bigger clamp.

 

Hehe! Various you are hilarious!! (I rhymed!)

But he does have a point, while we are slowly moving along some line or another, keep in mind that we will lose our audience if we don't go somewhere. What that means is, eventually we will have to commit to something. So far, two men who might be jedi are looking for something in a cave. If we don't reveal what that is, and it's significance soon, we will loose our audience. Don't be afraid to push into a situation that looks dead end. That is the point of the exercise. Trying to write your way out of a big plot hole is part of the fun!

-tm

 

Katella is a man?

M. Scott

 

Nope, Katella is a 'she', as evidenced by the second post by AdmiralMowk:

...proceeds to lick her finger...

-------------------------------------------

Various, that was good. Very funny. I think I'll skip it, though, and move ahead more seriously...

-------------------------------------------

CUT TO:
INT - CAVE

A look of awe covers the faces of Argent and Katella, as they realize what they are looking at. In the center of the room, giving off a blinding glow, is an egg sized crystal. The crystal is suspended by a field emanating from a pool of glowing liquid. The two Jedi make their way toward the pool.

KATELLA
Finally, after searching all those worlds.

ARGENT
And thousands of clues.

KATELLA
(reaching for the crystal)
Finally we have...

ARGENT
Wait!

Argent grabs Katella just before she reaches the crystal.

KATELLA
What!

ARGENT
Don't you remember what Master Dooku taught us? You can't just walk up and grab the crystal of Amenic.

KATELLA
(composing herself)
Right. So now what do we...

Suddenly, the piercing noise returns, this time louder. A rumble erupts from a second corridor. Argent, pannicking, grabs the crystal, and runs toward the corridor they came in.

ARGENT
Come on!

Katella, bewildered by Argent's solution, follows.

 

INt. of cave

As they run through the cave, the roof is caving in and crakes open in the ground.

They run outside into the blinding light, and stop.

Katella

Where are the smugglers?

Argent

COME ON! LETS GO!

Argent runs toward the ship, and runs in.

Katella bends down to the cylindrical device on the ground infront of her...she has a puzzled look on her face...

Argent walks down the ship's ramp

KATELLA! COME ON! WE MUST RETURN TO COUNT DOOKU NOW!

Katella, still with the puzzled look on her face, stands and quickly runs up the ships ramp.

The Ship takes off, and smuggler 1 walks out of the scrub

 

Smuggler One stands looking after the fleeing ship.

SMUGGLER ONE
Do you think they'll make it?

Smuggler Two and Three exit the bushes and join him by his side as he stoops down and retrieves the cylindrical device. He stuffs it in his small shoulder bag.

SMUGGLER TWO
Not a chance.

SMUGGLER THREE
It doesn't really matter now, does it? The trap has been sprung. They have Amenic's twin crystal, Namenic.

He gestures back at the blackness inside the cave. The other two look back, it is moving rapidly toward them. The blackness, a living creature, exits the cave and whooshes over their heads at a blinding speed. It lets loose its horrible scream. Having no definite form it seems to take on wings and fly after Argent and Katella's ship.

Upon hearing the scream ONE and TWO become frightened and uneasy.

SMUGGLER TWO
You had better be right about this. I don't want to be in this cave when that thing comes back.

Smuggler Three smiles knowingly.

SMUGGLER THREE (continuing)
The Sith monster will no doubt consume them alive and return its crystal to its resting place. But it should have a tough time navigating hyperspace to get to them, methinks. Come, let us go before it comes back. We should have several days, at least.

The smugglers turn and walk into the cave, carrying with them supplies for the two-day trek to their destination, the real crystal of Amenic.

INT - ARGENT AND KATELLA'S SHIP

Argent and Katella are comfortably seated in the cockpit of their space cruiser. Katella is absently tossing the crystal between her hands. She puts it down and turns to Argent.

KATELLA
Where do you think those smugglers ran off to?

ARGENT
Hey, they weren't where I told them to be. Here. They got left behind. Big deal.

Argent pauses.

ARGENT (continued)
Ok, the navicomp is calculating coordinates for our trip to Coruscant now.

Katella addresses Argent again after thinking it over.

KATELLA
Oh, well, I won't miss them. In fact that seemed too easy compared with what Dooku was telling us.

ARGENT
I heard some rumor that the Crystal of Amenic was once guarded by a small colony of Sith thousands of years ago. Supposedly they created that crystal there and a creature with their magics to guard it after they had passed on. Course I was half-drunk at the time. I coulda just been hearin things. He probably just took those rumors as fact.

A small noise rings on the dashboard. Katella looks at the readout and her face becomes concerned.

KATELLA
There seems to be some large creature pursuing us...

ARGENT
Can you get a visual?

KATELLA
Hang on.

Katella punches a few keys and a closeup of the black form appears on the viewer between them.

The creature opens its mouth as if it is unleashing its call at them. Both of the ship's occupants become frightened and uneasy.

ARGENT
That... doesn't look natural.

KATELLA
Whatever it is it is definitely following us. I don't think you were hearing things.

Argent shakes off the creatures' effect. His face is renewed with determination.

ARGENT
Well it won't be following us much longer.

The starlines in the viewport stretch into brilliant white and fade into the familiar blacks, blues, and purples of hyperspace.

The creature follows.

 

Int. Jedi Temple on Courscant

fine fine







*cmon it was a little funny*

 

Strike that Yoda thing from the script, please... This is a serious effort.

Anyways... I made a few edits to my part, so if any of you have read it within the last few minutes, read it again because I have changed some minor things that could have repercussions on your continuing story arc.

Chris

 

not funny

 

CUT TO:
INT- ABANDONED FACTORY - CORUSCANT - NIGHT

Count Dooku enters the chamber slowly. he has a troubled look on his face DARTH SIDIOUS sits perched in a large seat, meditating silently. Dooku stops before him.

SIDIOUS: (looking up at Dooku) you seem troubled, my old friend.

DOOKU: i feel a great disturbance in the force, my master. one the likes of which i've never experienced.

SIDIOUS: yes, i've felt it as well.

DOOKU: (hesitates) i am... concerned... about the task set upon the two jedi. i fear it will fail.

SIDIOUS: so you question my judgement in this matter?

DOOKU: (becoming increasingly nervous) no, my lord, i feel the jedi themselves may not be prepared for what lies ahead of them.

SIDIOUS: fear not, my apprentice, everything is proceeding according to my plan. by the time they realize what is happening, the jedi council, as well as the jedi themselves.... will be no more...

Sidious cackles menacingly.

 

Ext. of Coruscant

Argent and Katella's ship comes out of hyperspace, and begins to descend into the atmosphere. A large black mist follows far behind them.

Ext. of Coruscant Buildings

Argent and Katella's shuttle, (insert name here), dodges through the lower streets of coruscant, towards the dark industrial sector. The ship comes into land in the hangar of a tall dark building.

Int. of tall dark building
The ship comes down to land, and Argent and Katella exit. They walk towards the entrance door, and meet Count Dooku as he comes to greet them.

DOOKU

Have you got what I asked?

ARGENT

Yes, my master

Argent and katella bow their heads.

DOOKU

Let me see it...

Katella reaches into her cloak, and pulls out the egg sized crystal, and hands it to Dooku. Dooku holds it in his hands, and an evil smile comes across his face. He glances up at Argent and Katella

DOOKU

Well done.

EXT. of Coruscant City

The dark mist speeds between the tall skyscrapers, which go dark as it passes them. It screams it's high pitched piercing scream, and several lines of surrounding traffic divert from their routes, and into buldings, exploding.

Ext. of Cave

Smuggler 3 is standing outside, searching the sky.

(from inside the cave) SMUGGLER 1

What are you doing?

Smuggler 3 says nothing

SMUGGLER 1

Hurry up and get back in here! We have loads of time, don't worry.

Int. of Cave

SMUGGLER 2

Me thinks we in danger...being here...

Smuggler 1 glances at smuggler 2, with a puzzled/argreeing look.

 

Smuggler 3 jogs in to join the other two.

SMUGGLER 3
OK, let's get this over with.

The three walk deep into the cave, disappearing into the darkness.

CUT TO:
INT- ABANDONED FACTORY - CORUSCANT - NIGHT

Darth sideous is pacing along a window, looking out at the cityscape in the distance. His gaze moves from the window to his hand, which is holding the stolen crystal. He considers it for a moment. Dooku is standing nearby, waiting patiently for his master to speak.

SIDEOUS
It appears the Jedi were more prepared than you thought.

DOOKU
Yes, master. They have done well.

 

I'm really excited at how well this is going!! In a few short pages we have managed to create an excellent bit of intrigue! If you missed it, here is a summary: Two Jedi, we know not whether they are good or evil yet, have retrieved or stolen a Crystal of some importance to Darth Sidious. A strange black gaseous creature is pursuing them. Dooku and Sidious both believe they have the item they were after. The smugglers, however, appear to have tricked the Jedi, and are currently after something else.

Stories are often told from multiple perspectives. For example, In Star Wars we often see things from both the Empire's perspective and that of the Rebellion. The action also take place on multiple fronts. Many elements happening in different places are usually tied together by the climax of the story.

Currently we have two perspectives and two separate and currently mysterious motivations: That of the smugglers and that of Sidious and Dooku. I am now going to add a third perspective to the mix, which will eventually have to be incorporated in some way into the overall story.

PS from now on, if I make commentary, it will be in italics, to aid in making the script easier to follow.

-tm


INT. Sluis Van Shipyards landing bay

Several Sluis technicians are slithering through and around an old freighter, making various repairs and adjustments. A single Sluisi is working on a small cylindrical object under the rear of the frieghter. He is hissing a small tune as he inspects the device. He is obviously puzzled as to its purpose.

MUHARSHI
Oh, TAPI, could you come over here?

TAPI is inside the rear left landing gear. He pops his head out

TAPI
What is it Harshi?

MUHARSHI <points>
I've found this... thingy... under the... other thing....

MUHARSHI looks befuddled. TAPI shakes his head and his small mouth curls into the Sluisy version of a slight smile

TAPI <jokingly>
You are a disgrace to your race HARSHI

MUHARSHI frowns
Yes, but what is it? I don't think it belongs attached to this ship...

TAPI <coming over to look>
Freighter captains attach all manner of things to their ships that don't belong there... I wouldn't be surprised... hmmmm....

TAPI turns the small device around a bit, looking at it from all sides

TAPI
Bring me that spanner, HARSHI

MUHARSHI brings the spanner. TAPI inserts the end into a port on the side of the object, and spins it. The top of the cylinder slides up, releasing a small jet of gas. A small glowing red stone, no larger that a centimeter, is suspended within a cage apparatus in the raised part of the cylinder. The red stone begins to pulse slowly

TAPI and MUHARSHI
Ooooooooo........

 

INT - ARGENT'S QUARTERS - NIGHT

Katella lounges on Argent's cot while Argent paces aggitatedly back and forth across the small room.

ARGENT: I'm telling you, Kat, something isn't right here.

KATELLA: (dismissively) i think you're getting paranoid in your old age.

ARGENT: no, this is something different... and i'm a month younger than you...

(Katella shrugs)

ARGENT: (cont'd) did you see the look on master Dooku's face when we gave him the crystal? i'm telling you, Kat, something's going on here.

KATELLA: Well of COURSE something's going on here, or else he wouldn't have sent us after the crystal in the first place.

ARGENT: whatever it is, it can't be good. i mean, haven't you sensed it? ever since we got back, there's an ominous.... FEELING... around here.

KATELLA: you know what i think? i think you are still jumpy over that - whatever it was - that came after us.

ARGENT: no. there's something not right here. i can feel it in the force. and i'm going to find out what it is.

katella sighs loudly and stands.

ARGENT: what are you doing?

KATELLA: you don't think i'm gonna let you have ALL the fun, do you? besides, i wanna be there to laugh at you when you find out there's nothing going on.

 

Int. of Cave

Smuggler 3

(nervously) Good we've finished, now let's get out of here!

Smuggler 1

(lying back agains some rocks) Patience, we may as well stay here for a while. We have food, shelter, and no debt collectors.

Smuggler 3

NO...(gives smuggler 1 stern look)we should go now...

Smuggler 1

(standing up) Why?

Smuggler 3

We have finished, now lets go before that...thing...comes back!

Smuggler 1

Don't you listen to me? we have...

Smuggler 2

He's right, we should be going. I'll get the stuff in the ship.

Smuggler 1

(slightly annoyed) FINE!, we'll go, ok! but you guys can let me do the talking when we arrive. I want the highest price I can get for this baby!

Smugglers walk out of cave.

INT. of Managers Office at Sluis Landing pad

The two workers are standing infront of the Manager, who is holding the cylindrical object in his hands. He is eyeing it.(looking all over)

Manager Joiyl

Nope, Not worth a dime! Now hurry up, and get back to work. Your stealing my clients property!

TAPI

But Joiyl...

MANAGER JOIYL

MANAGER Joiyl!!

TAPI

Sorry, sir...Manager Joiyl, there is more to it!

JOIYL

Tapi, get out of my sight! this isn't the first time you have done this! NOW GET OUT!

MUHARSHI

Sir! look!

MUHARSHI brings the spanner and inserts the end into a port on the side of the object, and spins it. The top of the cylinder slides up, releasing a small jet of gas. A small glowing red stone, no larger that a centimeter, is suspended within a cage apparatus in the raised part of the cylinder. The red stone begins to pulse slowly

Joiyl's face lights up

JOIYL

Where did you get this?

TAPI

The Jedi ship sir!

JOIYL

Jedi?...Jedi?! hmm...no wonder...i'll will keep it, for the moment. until the database discovers, what it is.

EXT of Coruscant Streets

The large dark mist hovers over the streets below, then stops, and begins to race towards the Sluis landing pad

Int of Sluis Landing Pad

WORKER 1

(stops working)LOOK!(points at dark mist)

WORKER 2

Wow...

The dark mist approaches steadily, and begins it's scream. appliances around the hangar explode, and roof beams fall. The workers scream and scatter themselves as they run for safety. The dark mist stops in the hangar, and lets out another mighty scream.

Int. of Managers Office

They hear the scream, there are explosions and the lights fail. There is fear on their faces as the dark mist approaches them.

 

Int. Abandond Factory

Dooku:
Where is the creature now?

Driod A-1: (missing an arm, sparks shoot from the empty socket)
We-e-e-e Captured it with the weapon you-u-u-u gave us, It is currently contttttained in a Republic Transport doccccked at Port Alpha-2 (droid falls over)

Dooku: (activating hologram com)
Master, the creature is contained and ready for transport.

Sidious:
Ahhh, excelent, exerything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

 

Uhh..
that was a bit of a jump Gameboy...

 

I agree. that made not much sense