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Scriptment; interested in developing other stories?

Discussion in 'Fan Films, Fan Audio & SciFi 3D' started by HamSalad3000, Nov 14, 2003.

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  1. HamSalad3000

    HamSalad3000 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Hello everyone,

    Below you'll read a scriptment for "Revenge of the Jedi," which I recently wrote for poster Old_Wizard. Old_Wizard had a couple ideas and had written the scroll and asked me to brainstorm a story around those elements.

    This is what I've come up with.

    I really like the two characters I've created, Joste Hiakr and Cynka Jecar. I'm interested in creating further stories (sequels, prequels) with anyone interested in producing and directing a story with them.

    If you like the scriptment, and would like to talk about coming up with a story involving one or both of these characters, post here or write me at tomten3000@yahoo.com

    Just remember, this story below is Old_Wizard's. We're developing it for a film he's writing. No stealing! :)

    Thanks.

    Old_Wizard,

    What it seems to me is that you have a good kernel for a Western. So I?ve taken that approach in writing this synopsis. I?m not sure how many actors you have, so I?ve kept the number of characters to a minimum, but have taken some liberty in building a story with the idea that you can get five to seven actors. I?ve also rewritten your scroll a little bit. Just a bit of editing, to fit the story.

    Also, I think a nice bit of work might be to place it within the time frame of Episode III, just far from the real action. So you?ll notice some spoiler material in here as well.

    As well, as I wrote, I discovered a way around the argument people have made about a Jedi not seeking revenge. I think you?ll enjoy the twist.

    Below you?ll find a synopsis of the script I could write. I don?t think I would have time for anything more than a 30-page script (that would give you about a 30 min film, but you could add to it). I?ve included some dialogue, as well.

    Let me know if you want me to develop this synopsis further.

    Tom

    REVENGE OF THE JEDI

    Scriptment by (HamSalad3000)
    Based on an idea by (Old_Wizard)

    FADE IN:

    TITLE
    A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ?

    A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title. War drums echo as the traditional crawls begins:

    The conclusion of the mighty CLONE WAR has left the galaxy in chaos. With half of the Republic?s worlds surviving by nothing more than a thread, the cry for stability has become deafening.

    Seeking quick resolution, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine has given unprecedented legislative control to each of his appointed regional governors. Each governor has been assigned a permanent clone trooper garrison, each under the watchful eye of a JEDI GENERAL.

    THOTE KNMOU, Jedi Master and General of Garrison 14624, has discovered treachery in the system government and grows concerned. He has dispatched a call to his former padawan JOSTE HIAKR, to join him on his assigned planet, Nanova ?



    Pan down to the blue-green world of Nanova. A Jedi Starfighter cuts through the frame on a course for the blue planet.

    Piloting the fighter is JOSTE HIAKR, a young Jedi Knight. He talks with his Artoo unit, R2-J7, about seeing his former master THOTE KNMOU again. He says he?s excited to see him, since it was before the Clone Wars that he last spoke face to face with Thote. He tells J7 he?s not sure what?s worrying Thote, but he sounded quite upset.

    J7 tells Haikr that there is an incoming message from his former master. It?s by radio.

    KNMOU (O/S)
    (filtered)
    Joste.

    HIAKR
    Master Knmou, it?s good to hear you again.

    Knmou dispenses with the pleasantries and inquires as to Hiakr?s whereabouts. Hiakr says he is approaching the capital city and should be there within the hour. Knmou says that?s good because he senses dark forces building quickly.

    KNMOU (O/S)
    (filtered)
    It is a growing storm. One that, I fear, is about to break.

    CUT TO

    The capital of Nanova, Teaccord. It?s a small spaceport comprising metallic gray dome buildings that pock the rich forest surrounding them. Speeders and forest swoops glide along the curving, muddy paths between buildings.

    We focus on a small dome building in the middle o
     
  2. DorkmanScott

    DorkmanScott Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Mar 26, 2001
    I don't have time to read through this just this second, but a few things strike me just skimming:

    1) You probably should have asked Old_Wizard's permission before posting this publicly.

    2) You should try reading your work out loud sometime. The few lines of dialogue I scanned are a bit clunky and you seem to have a phobia of creating pronouncable names.

    I'll have something to say content-wise later tonight, once I've read it.

    M. Scott
     
  3. HamSalad3000

    HamSalad3000 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2003
    M. Scott,

    Thanks. Just for clarification's sake, I did ask Old_Wizard, who said it was no problem. I wrote this in about an hour. It's an extremely rough synopsis, just as an FYI. I haven't gone back to it or anything. Probably a little hasty to just up and post it, but I was happy with the product -- the idea of the characters, situation, and so forth.

    There are TONS of holes in this. It would take a nice amount of time to patch it up. Still, the premise is great, with lots to bounce off of. The green wristbands, the Old West town, the tension between the two characters that's introduced, the lovalbe ARC Trooper sidekick ...

    Anyway, maybe I'll develop something further and see if anyone's interested in playing on the playground.
     
  4. Old_Wizard

    Old_Wizard Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Oct 28, 2003
    I'm not too sure about all this.
     
  5. rogue_09

    rogue_09 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 2, 2003
    I read this before but I didn't take the time to comment. I like it. The old west style town and the general attidude turning against the Jedi as Palpatine takes over.

    I also like the lack of a Sith or Dark Jedi bad guy. It makes sense in troubled times like this that there will be rogue Jedi who don't necessarily turn to the Dark Side.

    The names are definitely an issue though. Have fun pronouncing Knmou.

    Will there be an explaination as to why the Jedi mind trick does not work? Since the clones were meant to be "controlled" by the Jedi, I don't see why it wouldn't.

    All in all, this is really cool. I can't wait to see the final version.
     
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