"Secret"(A Jedi apprentice fanfic)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Wycil, Aug 12, 1999.

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  1. BoB Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 1998
    star 4
    I sort of agree with Acolyte. The story seems incomplete. From the script no one knows why they went there is no real conclusion.

    Oh another thing to concider is that everyone knows what Han and Luke sound like, if the people we have doing voices don't sound exactly like them people are going to complain about it. I tmight be best to use original characters, just a thought.
  2. Wycil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 1999
    star 1
    Well here´s a new try for me..the longest post´s(this and the spiritplane wich will follow in a couple of day´s)I´ve ever written for the holiday´s as Durga asked and I´d actually enjoy the writing so just thank´s a thousand times for you guy´s there for reading this"stuff"..cheers for the holiday´s chums!.
    _____________________________________________

    On the vast planet ,in a hidden lair in the metropolic maze hate and darkness ruled superior through the atmosphere luring all light out of all the darkest corners.An angered man,full of only hatred ,the man inside him dead long ago gazed at his apprentice,training to become a mighty Sith.More than the pathetic Jedi he´d sworn to destroy one day,wipe out of existence.
    More hatred burst into him by only the thought of the Jedi,the thought sickened him as he could remember their useless teachings of the force.But he knew the exact meaning of the force.The true way to follow.The meaningless amount of force the Jedi used was not to even be reckoned in the universe.One day he sweared,one day no living soul would remember the Jedi,only a simple myth they would become.And already many possibilities had come his way,speeded the inevitable future.

    "Use your hatred my apprentice give into your anger and the way´s of the darkside will open in time.Use your fear,use it to control your anger and to make it grow.",he whispered loud enough that his apprentice would hear.He´d known how much time it would take to train the young man to become a sith and to show him the true meaning of the force.And soon his apprentice would be one of the Sith.He had made him a perfect example of controling the force in battle as his apprentices fighting techniques were proceeding in stunning time,he´d become a better swordsman than almost any of the Jedi by this rate.Not much time he heard in his mine as he streched his finger out of the black robe.

    Hatred was the way of the darkside,the way to contain power instead of using it more as an ally.Thundering he let the lightning speed out of his hand pointing it straight towards his apprentice.The enormous power of the bolting lighting hit the unsuspecting apprentice to the ground during his leap crushing him on the stone.He could feel blood in his mouth streaming hot on the cold stone.No thought´s left his mind as the piled hatred in him gathered and gave him strength to rise from his battered position.His green eye´s flashed violently sweat dripping down his cheeks.His master before him did not have to stretch with the force to feel the hatred in the steamy air.No fear or feelings were inside the younger man´s widened pupils as he called his lightsabre back to his hand.Smiling he turned his back ready to continue his battle traininig.

    "Soon my apprentice,soon you will taste the blood of the Jedi.And the time is coming my apprentice and out patients will be awarded.I know it to be true",the dark master said hearing his apprentice whisper:"Your revenge and mine is coming soon master and it will be for the taking in little time.Soon the killing will begin".They both shared a heartless bitter laugh that thickened only the dark symbioses between them.


    Ceased by the faint footsteps coming from the corridor Qui-Gon Jinn fastened his pace making sure no unfortunate confrontations would be fought on the ship in the present moment.Tightening his robe the Jedi Master felt his padawan was close.Qui-Gon felt suspicious about the mission as he knew there was much more behind it all,more than the Council even suspected.

    There always is two sides to everything

    Qui-Gon stated to himself somehow reassuringly,keeping his mind open to all possibilities.The metal ball had some unknown majestic worth to be chased in such a way.He could only guess the true meaning of it´s purpouse.Though he didn´t have clue about the object he knew it contained some odd powers as he had felt after he´d touched for the first time on the planet.He could only guess as he continued his search.


    Fear.

    Anger.

    Hatred.

    All emotions seezed ´the control of the Sullustan Captain´s mind as he rev
  3. Wycil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 1999
    star 1
    I´m on a roll here people so I´m continuing right behind as I said a looong post for the holiday´s.
    _____________________________________________


    "I don´t know about you Ednid but if I´m right these Jedi beings have tentacles and horns coming out of their freaking disformed heads,yep.",Hoak the assistant patrol guard said almost bragging with his false knowledge.Beside him the chubby Ednid tucked his shirt reassuringly giving Hoak a suspecting glance.

    "So have you seen a Jedi Hoak?With them tentacle and horn thing kinda stuff?Cause if were gonna go down tha´h road of anotomy o´Jedi I ain´t sure´s damn heard such a thing.",Ednid said using some fancy dialog(as he had a way of saying)he´d picked up from the bountyhunters he´d met aboard several day´s ago.Hoak coughed out loud gathering his thoughts momentarily.

    "Ha!Ah saw a Jedi aboot a few hours ago in the med´s.He sure was an ugly one I´ll tell ya!And smelled wretched and all.The longest piece of tentacles you´ah have ever seen ma friend!",Hoak complied lifting his chin in a proud manner.

    "So what color was the tentacle?",Ednid answered copying Hoak´s moves.

    "Well um...ya know...no!Now I remembah!It must have been black as the space surrounding us people.",Hoak said harshly blushing by the lies.But he had to impress his mate as the life as a low ranked soldier had a tendancy of getting a bit boring time to time.He continued right after:"And the ah could hear his last noises I could!Made a horrible insect like noise.Something like this:Iiitt-itsh-kitschhh.Even I was almost spooked by such a ferocious death cry!".Ednid was about to laugh out loud to Hoak´s absurd story until he heard a horrible voice simular to Hoak´s.

    "Iiit-kit-kitsh-hhrr".

    Hoak turned pale as did Ednid beside him almost jumping out of his trousers.

    "W-was that ya Hoak?",Ednid said wishfully only to be dissapointed horribly:"No,I thought it was you",whispered Ednid.The noise whispered again:

    "Iiit-kit-kitsch-hrr".

    Hoak and Ednid didn´t stay to find out what was behind the corner as they sprang into the opposite direction not looking back.Behid the corner stepped Obi-Wan Kenobi smiling by his hilarious trick.Using the force to create the noise was just perfect aside with the other man´s storytelling.

    "And people say Jedi are too serious",Obi-Wan said shaking his head as he felt his Master close to him.He could almost hear the horrified voices of the two men.

    In the darkness find the light.

    Indeed he thought grabbing his lightsabre and continuing his search also.
  4. Gry Sarth Ex 2x Banhammer Wielding Besalisk Mod

    Member Since:
    Jun 24, 1999
    star 5
    Magnar, I don't think we should start producing storyboards until the script is finished and approved. (or is it?)
    Storyboarding is a lot of work and it wouldn't be right to put so much effort and then find out that we are not going to use this script.

    I call again. Let's rethink the script. I see Bob shares the same opinion... anybody else? I don't want to be the party cracker, if everybody else is ok with this script... then let's go with it, nothing else said.
  5. Paradox Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 2, 1998
    star 1
    I have no problem with rewriting the script if somebody will tell me what to rewrite it as. I noticed all of the problems that have been mentioned when I wrote it, but since I was constrained by the book itself there was nothing I could do about it. If you want to go with this scene, then we're stuck with what Salvatore wrote. If you want to do something else, tell me and I'll write a new script. I'd actually prefer to do something new--after all, whatever comes out of a scene like this belongs to Salvatore as much as to any of us--but I'll write whatever is necessary.
  6. Nemesis Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 23, 1999
    The website (linked to above) has a new script on it, as well as a poll in which you can vote for your favorite script (or neither).

    Will
  7. The Kid Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    Can we just check with the animators. are you able to do lip sync. Cos if you can't is there any point in having a script. The script that i gave to Tristin was completely pictures (kinda music promo) which i think is the line that we should be going down!
  8. Gry Sarth Ex 2x Banhammer Wielding Besalisk Mod

    Member Since:
    Jun 24, 1999
    star 5
    I say GO to the Tatooine script. It's great as a first experience of what we can do.
    About the lip-sync matter. I'm one of the animators, but I don't think I have the experience to do the main character scenes..
    Hope the others do. But I don't think we will have to lip-sync all the lines. It is possible to use many tricks like:
    Stormtroopers... helmets, no problem.
    Rebel Pilots... we can make the head shots from outside the cockpit, with some reflection on the glass, so if he just make some mouth movements, it will look convincing.
    For other characters like the Imperial Office, it might be necessary to make some minor lip-syncing, or the camera angle might be so as not to show his mouth, A shot from his back, looking at the trooper while receiving the data disk might look good...
  9. Gry Sarth Ex 2x Banhammer Wielding Besalisk Mod

    Member Since:
    Jun 24, 1999
    star 5
    As some may have noticed, in the Tatooine script, Wedge uses the attack pattern delta, however the strategy they use isn't the dalta pattern seen in the battle of Hoth.
    I think it would add a great touch os SW realism if we used in the scene the real delta pattern:
    http://www.crosswinds.net/~outerim/delta.jpg
    (with the Speeders being X-Ws and the AT-AT the main Shuttle cannon)
    This could look really cool...

    I also ask the scripters to change the ending where Wege refers to the Rebel base on Coruscant. If the base is there then Vader is already dead... We must decide in what time this adventure takes place...
  10. Gry Sarth Ex 2x Banhammer Wielding Besalisk Mod

    Member Since:
    Jun 24, 1999
    star 5
    As some may have noticed, in the Tatooine script, Wedge uses the attack pattern delta, however the strategy they use isn't the dalta pattern seen in the battle of Hoth.
    I think it would add a great touch os SW realism if we used in the scene the real delta pattern:
    http://www.crosswinds.net/~outerim/delta.jpg
    (with the Speeders being X-Ws and the AT-AT the main Shuttle cannon)
    This could look really cool...

    I also ask the scripters to change the ending where Wedge refers to the Rebel base on Coruscant. If the base is there then Vader is already dead... We must decide in what time this adventure takes place...
  11. Gry Sarth Ex 2x Banhammer Wielding Besalisk Mod

    Member Since:
    Jun 24, 1999
    star 5
    Sorry about the double post, someone please delete one. If you can't see the image, right-click and select "Show Image", or go to the URL: http://www.crosswinds.net/~outerim/delta.htmwww.crosswinds.net/~outerim/delta.htm
    I was also thinking that maybe it would be better to change the Rebel Pilots, using unknown ones, instead of Wedge and Co. Because, as was said before, they would have to sound and look similar enough to what we know, which would only make things harder...


    [This message has been edited by Gry Sarth (edited 11-28-1999).]
  12. Celes Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 1999
    star 1
    She remembered us....big time. Love the posts!
  13. Celes Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 1999
    star 1
    You just can't leave us hanging there! I've got to know what happens next!
  14. Misty the Pokemon trainer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 1999
    star 1
    You always come up with such interesting, original ideas! We await your next post!
  15. Durga2000 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 5, 1999
    star 1
    At last! The computer's mine and I get to catch up on great fan fic. Naturally, I always check up on yours. Great new post....can't wait for more!
  16. Gaeriel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 9, 1999
    star 1
    Thanks again for remembering your fans!
  17. Wycil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 1999
    star 1
    Um...Celes actually I´m a he...so well how could you have known?But anyway mistakes are made and this was actually a nice one and funny but um I´m on a roll with this but I´m coming up with some new sceams and soon this will continue once again but I´m going to get something to eat now,as known alphabets don´t feed an empty stomach.
  18. Wycil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 1999
    star 1
    Um...Celes actually I´m a he...so well how could you have known?But anyway mistakes are made and this was actually a nice one and funny but um I´m on a roll with this but I´m coming up with some new sceams and soon this will continue once again but I´m going to get something to eat now,as known alphabets don´t feed an empty stomach.
  19. BenKanobe Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 1999
    star 4
    Hi guys! I rewrote parts of the Tatooine script I did, making it a better part of a bigger plot, which I have worked out. It is longer and more complex now, and I don't know if the animators can handle it. I added a jedi in it, so we can have that aspect of the story. Here it is:


    SW Script (untitled as of now)

    Ext. Tatooine - Night

    The twin suns have just set. A pink haze
    Lies over the desert sand. Suddenly, the silence
    is disrupted by two Imperial speeder bikes,
    mounted by two Stormtroopers. After riding
    a while, they arrive at a giant imperial shuttle. A
    hatch opens and allows them in. An imperial officer
    waits inside.

    Colonel: Did you get the information The Grand Admiral requested?

    Trooper 1: Yes, sir.

    Colonel: Excellent, I am sure you will be properly rewarded, perhaps even promoted.

    Trooper 2: Thank you, sir.

    The trooper hands a small data disk to the officer.

    Colonel: Good, now let's get off this wretched planet.

    The officer nods to the pilot who then starts
    the ignition sequence. The shuttle then takes
    off, causing numerous plants, animals, and
    dust to scatter from under it.

    Ext. Space

    Five rebel X-wing fighters surround three
    cargo freighters over Tatooine.

    Gry Sarth: Ugh, this has got to be the most boring mission I've ever been on!

    Devin: Escorts are never too exciting, kid. I for one, am glad about that. Every mission I survive brings me closer to my family and home.
    Jameson: And to the end of this horrible war.

    Devin: You said it, Jameson.

    Jameson: Hold on guys. I'm picking up something. Are you reading this?

    Gry Sarth: Yeah, I've got it, and Imperial Shuttle. Looks like this mission may not be so boring after all.

    Devin: Rull, Mechner, you stay here. Jameson, Gry, you're with me.

    X-wing 4: Got it, sir.

    The three x-wings peel off from the group,
    tracking the shuttle.

    Int. Imperial Shuttle:

    Navigator: Sir, I'm tracking 3 x-wing fighters 130 kilometers away.

    Officer: 3 X-wings against 1 imperial shuttle? (laughs) We'll soon put them in their place. Fire three warning shots.

    Three bolts fire from the ship,
    nearly missing the X-Wings.

    Devin: Woah, back off guys? Right now we can't handle this. Gry, radio the base, we'll need reinforcements.

    Int. Rebel Base:

    About six people and aliens
    sit around a table in front of a video
    screen. Gry has just finished
    his transmission. One of the aliens,
    Aldrey, stands and pounds his fist on the
    table.

    Aldrey: (yelling) This is the fifth sighting of Imperial Shuttles on outer-rim planets! What could they be doing? We must do something! The Imperials are far too powerful to -

    A young Jedi, Ennis, stands
    with his lightsaber hanging at
    his side.

    Ennis: It is because they are powerful that we must be careful when dealing with them. Settle down, Aldrey.

    Aldrey: Easy for you to say, Jedi.

    Female Alien: Ennis is right Aldrey. What could the Empire be up to? What is special about the outer-rim territories?

    Ennis(to video screen): Devin, is there any way to find where that shuttle came from?

    Devin: I can track their trajectory? Hold on. Yeah, I've got it, I should know about where they came from. 3.44 mark 23.55.

    Ennis: Good, continue on your present mission. I'll check out the surface. Thanks, Devin.

    Devin: Thank you, sir. (Video screen goes blank.)

    Ennis walks out of the room, the
    door opening for him. Outside,
    several ships wait, including one
    Y-Wing fighter. There is one officer
    out side with a clip board. Several
    people walk through the background.

    Ennis: Is my ship ready Officer?

    Officer: Yes sir, you're all set.

    Ennis: Thanks.

    Ennis climbs into the cockpit
    and waves to the R2 unit. It
    bleeps a response. He sits in the
    cockpit and the ship takes off.
    He leaves the planet, heading
    towards Tatooine. The ship lands,
    and he climbs out. He takes a few
    steps, and shields his eyes from the
    twin suns. He walks a few steps
    further and notices a rift in the sand,
    left by the speeder bikes.

    Ennis: Hmm? Speeder bikes.

    Ennis follows the tracks until
    they seem to just stop.

    E
  20. Celes Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 1999
    star 1
    Oops! My apologies, but still...you are one terrific writer!
  21. The Kid Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    ATTENTION- STORY BOARDER NEEDER. DON'T HAVE TO BE EXCELLENT ARTIST BUT IT WOULD HELP!

    SEE THE WEB PAGE ABOVE TO SIGN UP AND SPEAK TO MAGNAR OR TRISTIN.

    URGENT

    THANKS FOR YOUR ATTENTION
  22. Jaro Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 1999
    star 1
    Great script, but remember, you can have a female or two.

    I'm on the list for voices, and I have some friends on my floor that would be willing to help out as well, I'm sure.
  23. Durga2000 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 5, 1999
    star 1
    Any more time to write or is school keeping you busy with those last minute projects teachers keeping dreaming up that are due before Christmas??????
  24. The Kid Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    My IP seems to have been banned so i'm gonna have to email everbody from now on!
  25. BoB Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 1998
    star 4
    Huh?

    If your IP was banned then You couldn't have made the last post.
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