Saga Shadow Rebellion (a humorus Palpatine short story.) UPDATED 8/25

Title: the Shadow Rebellion
Subject: Palpatine meets da man Grando Calrissian... see what happens
TimeFrame: between Episode I and II
Key words: vignette raging out of control, humor, parody...

Comments: I don't think I need to make any. Have fun with the first post

First post coming up soon...

 

First Post UP...

The Shadow Rebellion


A long stretch repulsor limo pulls up to the Cloud City Casino. Many beings, some on the fringes of existance and some at the center, mill around the portals to the galaxy?s greatest casino. Out of the limo steps a tallish, darkish skinned man with afro hair and killer sideburns.

"baron Calrissian. It is always a pleasure to see you here." The man nods smoothly and catches, out of the corner of his eyes, how a female bystander swoons at the sight of him.

"The pleasure is all mine, man." The portier stands back, not quiet sure how to deal with the 100 cred chip being stuffed into his vest pocket. Awed he watches as the man enters the casino.

The man, as many have probably guessed, is no other than Grando Calrissian, the world?s best sabacc player and *author temporally swoons* one hell of a lover. He stops just inside of the sabacc hall and, with a practiced eye, checks out the games in progress. One table in particular catches his attention. Not because of the stakes, low for his norms, but the motley crew of participants. A wookie, with dark brown fur and, as Grando thought he saw, clear blue eyes, seemed to be considering how to best rip the arms from the gleaming gold protocol droid sitting one chair over from him. On the other side of the wookie, a man with scruffed up brown hair and a sweat stained white, it must once have been white, shirt, sat staring intently into his cards, more sweat creeping down over his brows. The last seat, the one set furthest into the dark corner, was occupied by a dark cloaked figure with a strange black skull helmet. None seemed to notice as Grando walked up to them and took a seat. The game was too blood thirsty for that.


*******

Next time on Shadow Rebellion...

Meet the mysterious black clad man, and some astounding background information on Grando Calrissian...

So Stay tuned...

 

Ooh ... Grando Calrissian AND Palpatine.

I'm wondering who the protocol droid, wookiee, sweat-stain & dark helmet are ...

 

Stick around, and you'll see. Actually, only one of the four is really important. But I ain't saying who!!!!!


*A follower of the SIDEBURNS... and one of Grando's most avid fans.*

 

Not nearly around Palpatine stories around here.


Da man is back

Let's hear it for Grando



(thanks for the pm Cal, I would have missed it otherwise )

 

I can't wait to see more.

 

*Hugs CO*

you came!!!!!!!!!!

Love ya

 

Cal, this is great stuff! Thanx for the PM to let me know it's here

 

Back to our story...


The costumed player in the corner made funky whistling sounds as he breathed in and out? that is until he noticed Grando. Then he stopped breathing at all.

"You? I shall crush your insignificant rebellion."

"Hey man, chill out. Just here for a game." With glee, Grando joined in. Several hours, a few scantly clad girls, more than enough drinks, and countless games later, A pile of chips had started amassing in front of Grando. The Corellian, or at least Grando still thought he was a Corellian, the attitude was correct, had remarked that the Goddess Luck seemed to be with him tonight.

"Oh, Luck?s got nothing to do with it. It?s all in the wrist."

"Roaowoaro."

"Hey, furball, I don?t speak wookie-talk." The up to now silent, as strange as that may seem, protocol droid piped up and offered a translation, amongst other things.

"Sir, I am fluent in over sixmillion forms of communications, wookie is one amongst them. I call tell you that he just stated that you must be using a skifter."

"Grando the man using a skifter? You wooks dunno anything. I ain?t the one using a skifter. Blakie over there is." The ominous breathing that had accompanied nearly all of the game suddenly stopped. The other three players suddenly fixed their gaze at him and he sputtered.

"I do not cheat."

"Whoops, sorry, right, not cheating, only embezzling." The black clad figure rises and removes his helmet to reveal the most loathsome face in the whole of the galaxy. *The author wishes to apologize in this spot for not naming the dark clad figure. But if the reader should be content to be patient and read on, it will all be revealed in due time.*

"You know nothing."

"Actually, we of Phatooine have some amazing sources for information." All looked puzzled, including the protocol droid if that is possible.

"Phatooine?"

"My home world. Far beyond the Outer Rim."

"Listen up, boy, there ain?t not?ing out there. There?s no world beyond the Outer Rim."

"That?s what the Dark forces want you to believe? But I know better."

"You know nothing."

"Record broken Palpy?" Yes, it is true. It has finally been revealed. Before Anakin Skywalker donned the Vader Costume, Palpatine used it to go out and gamble unseen. A sad but all to real truth. *author apologizes for being melodramatic.*

"You know?" He bits the words off as he realizes that yet again, he was gonna say the same thing. Grando lounges back in his chair and looks at the three spectators. Then shoots a smile to passing author.

*Author is currently unable to continue with story. Grando has deigned her with a glance? and she fainted dead away.*



In the next episode, we shall see Palpatine trying to learn more vocabulary and Grando make a stagering announcement that leaves us all wondering, including this author, why he is not the head of the Jedi Council.

 

More! More! This stuff rocks!

 

Can't have that on second page.

 

Okay peeps, new segment up. Some of it is through meddling from a friend (he knows who he is so I won't have to name him. )... but i just twisted his ideas into it and made it my own brand of ludicrious... lol

**********

While the Corellian, the Wookie and the droid were busy reanimating the woman *the author for those who forgot* who fainted but a few steps away, a strange crew of several beings stepped up to the table. Each wore an identical set of a gray uniform, sideburns nor nearly as impressive as Grando, and a data pad always within hands reach. Palpatine turned to them with a hallmark stare perfected over years by dealing with incapable aids.

"I told you never to disturb me here." The formost of the three blinked several times, before returning his features to the blandness inbred into any and all bureaucrat since before birth.

"My lord, we have received disturbing news." At a small growl from Palpatine, the one flanking the leader of the petty officers handed a data pad to their master.

"What is it now Grilled Cheese Sandwich?" He looks down onto the pad and turns slightly paler, before throwing it at Grilled Cheese Sandwitch?s head.

"What is the meaning of this? A Rebellion? Under my Jurisdiction?"

"Well first reports indicate that a previously unknown world called Phatooine is collaborating to have something they call the Galactic Evil brought to its knees." Grando leans back and shoots Palpatine an innocent look.

"Don?t look at me. I didn?t do nothing." The three bureaucrats glared at Palpatine while he is glaring at Grando.

"Sandwich, have this? thing arrested for Grand Treason against the Galactic Empire." One of Sandwich?s aides leans over to whisper to said petty bureaucrat. With frown Sandwich leans over to Palpatine and whispers in his ear:

"Sir, the Galactic Empire doesn?t exists yet. It is still the Republic." Palpatine turned to the aide who had whispered the info to Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

"You what?s your name?" The aide looked at Palpatine with big eyes. This wasn?t supposed to be happening. He wasn?t following procedure.

"Huh, Ron of Cheeseland, sir."

"Good, Ron, you will head a comity to look into this affair and find a way to arrest this? thing."

Meanwhile Grando had started to shuffle the sabacc deck with unusual good cheer. He?s sideburns were still the killers in this place. These minor bureaucrat didn?t even manage to come close. He turns around and sees our well beloved author, whom he beacons over, patting on his lap. *damned, swooning again.*


********

On next time...

After much burocratic deliberation, the comitty headed by Ron of Cheeseland, finally comes to a conclusion and manages to find a pretext for arresting Grando.

Can he escape the wrath of Palpatine? Will he be able to save himself and his sideburns?

Stay tuned for our next episode.

 

Sir, the Galactic Empire doesn?t exists yet. It is still the Republic



Another funky post

Thanks for making my day so happy ... so happy

 

Glad I could brightem your day a tad Teg... Had a blast writting this.

 

Teg, my loyal Reader... I got a new post


********


The three bureaucrats, Grilled Cheese Sandwich, Ron of Cheeseland, and Dumb Sapient (the third one for those slow on catching on ) gathered together in a small round and began the committee discussion.

"We need a secretary to take notes."

"Since I?m in charge of the committee, it can?t be me. Dumb Sapient, that will be your job."

"What about research for background information?"

"Well, we might have to do without that, but see what you can come up with Grilled Cheese Sandwich."

"But we can?t have a committee without it." Ron of Cheeseland pondered the problem a short moment, then turned to the protocol droid.

"You, droid, are you fluent in research and committee language?"

"Sir, I am fluent in over six million forms of communications. Naturally I am fully capable of dealing with those two."

"Excellent, you shall be in charge of research acquisition then." The droid shuffles over to them, and they settle down while Grando watches amused. *the author is currently sitting ON Grando?s lap, and finding it hard to keep her wits about herself.*

"Our Lord Chancellor has asked that this man" points to Grando "be arrested for treason against the Galactic Empire. But the Galactic Empire has not yet been formed. Ergo we must find a solution to arrest this man." After finishing writing down his notes, Dumb Sapient looks up at Ron of Cheeseland.

"Oh, no problem, create the empire and then you can have me arrested." The committee looks at Grando with loathing seething out of their eyes.

"Stay on target Grando. And stay out of this conversation. You are not part of the committee and have not been given a hearing. If you wish a hearing, apply to the necessary party."

"Can?t we just say that he committed treason against the Republic?" Three pairs, if you count the droid, stared at Dumb Sapient.

"That would be too easy a solution. No we must look further. Grilled Cheese Sandwich, your thoughts on this."

"he doesn?t know how to think." This time Grando?s comments where ignored.

"Maybe we could arrange a war between the Jedi Council and some other dark force and use that as a pretext to label the Grando person as a spy."

"Most excellent Idea. Let us vote on it. Droid."

"I agree."

"Grilled Cheese Sandwich?"

"I agree."

"Dumb Sapient?"

"Well I still kinda like my idea better, but okay, I agree."

"And I agree as well, which makes this decision unanimous." Ron of Cheeseland turns back to Palpatine and proposes his idea.

"Excellent, most excellent." Palpatine turns to the white clad guards and points at Grando. "Arrest this man."

"Huh, Sir? We haven?t started the war yet?"

"What does it matter? We have a reason to arrest him. I am the Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic. I can do anything I want." Guards rush forward to grab Grando. *remember the author is still blissfully sitting on his lap.*

"Sorry, m?lady, but you will have to move. I wouldn?t want you to hurt yourself." Reluctantly the woman sitting on Grando?s lap moves to an unoccupied chair. He stands up and faces the guards. "Now feel the power of the BURNS."

The guards fall back, knowing it would be useless to fight against the sideburns. Palpatine whirls to face them

"Afraid of a few burns? Pathetic life-forms." He turns to Grando. "Once the Empire is created, you will be BANNED, without any hope of return."

*author must stop writing a while. Heart stopped of thought that Grando might be banned. What ever would we do without the sideburns?*



********

And next time on Shadow Empire:

Can Grando defeat Palpatine? Can he avoid the unspeakable tragedy of being banned?

 

This is great stuff Cal! Sorry I haven't gotten over here as much....

 

The 'commitee' doesn't realy work, does it ... you got any real life experience you're writing here ?

 

Yes Teg... I've been on a couple of committee's for my complit department. That and the department meetings are 100% reflected in that one here. I always crack up when our dear professors start bickering again like kindergardners... (that's usually before my jaw drops at the sheer stupidity of some of the comments.

plus some people can't seem to be able to give you a straight answer.

 

This deserves to be on page 1!!!

 

I agree Teg.

 

Was gonna post something yesterday... but DRL somehow got in the way of me writting anything for this...

***********

Grando started laughing.

"Yo man, you really think that scares me?"

"It... it's the greatest punishement imaginable. Everyone will want to be in the Empire." Palaptine stared at Grando with an expression very much resembling that of a cow watching a train go past.

"I don't need your empire, Palpy. There's other stuff out there."

"With all due respect" piped up Grilled Cheese Sandwich "without an empire you cannot function properly. You will not have the proper channels to go through to make requests. No superiors..."

"Yeah, yeah, but also none of your kind around to bother."

"h...." Speechless Palpatine and his three aids stared at the man standing before them. They just could not believe it.

"And I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire and its bureaucracy off my world for ever."

"What kind of a deal?" Just then, a several dark figures, one looked slightly like Darth Maul, another one had and Indiana Jones hat on, a third one was... *author who is a notorious chocaholic stares in awe, for a time forgetting that Grando was but a few paces away* a huge green M&M... And others too came, too many to go indetail here. Grando sees them approching and grins a huge, face splitting grin.

"Hello old buddies. Long time no see. How'ya been?" The poor palpatine and his three cohorts didn't follow anymore. The cow look just turned more cow like as a TGV races past at neckbreaking speeds. Too fast for the primitive brains to follow. *Authors note: for those of you not familiar with French high speed trains, the TGV is a French high speed train.*

"Grando. We heard ya got yourself some trouble. Thought we'd drop by." Said the one wearing the Indiana Jones hat.

"Nothing a few burns couldn't deal with."

"Awe, we wanted to help." Grando now saw the Green M&M lady fully for the first time.

"Now what have we here? A true jewel. You truley belong in the Mantina..." All the while the old friends greeted each other, Palpatine tried to get a word or two in edge wise.

"You will join me or die."

"Buzz off Palp, we'll deal with you when we've got the time."

"How dare you... I am Emperor Palpatine... or I will be in a few years..." Countless pairs of eyes turned to stare at Palpatine, during his attempt at a speech he stepped out of the shadows and for the first time since the whole thing began, his face is fully revealed.

*author is still jealous at Grando's greeting of the Green M&M lady and will therefore strike a few hours.*

Several heads turn as the disgruntled woman leaves the Casino.

"Great, what do we do now?"


********

Next time on Shadow Rebellion:

The astounding Secret Palaptine has been keeping for all the years... Finally reavealed. and he gets reinforcements from a slightly shady Cantina denizen.

So stay tuned for more.

 

I'm soooo tuned

 

*looks around and sees no one on thread*

Sheesh... must have forgotten to install the lurker detector...


*goes to get a lurker detector.*

 

Finally a new postie...

************

*author came back after much convincing done by green M&M and indy look-a-like.*

Just when you think you've seen it all there's always something left over to astound you. Shocked the Phatooine denizens stared at Palaptine's face... it had... it had... No it's too awful to retell.

the door burst open yet again in came... a walking picnic. But that would probably not have been such an unusual occurance had not a belgian walked besides him... *author agrees that this is getting ridculous, but since most characters banned by the Empire are outsiders, such as picnics and belgians, the biodiversity coming from Phatooine is excidingly high. Which in this author's opinion is a good thing.*

They too stopped in awe as they spotted Palpatine's long hidden face, jaws hitting the floor at the sight before them *huh, don't ask how a picnic can have his jaw dropped, this author sure don't know*

*little apology from author. Before I can go about and reveal Palpatine's astounding secret, there is one more character to introduce. Please forgive this author for any excessive prologation of suspense.*

The swining doors of the Casion must have been made very sturdy indeed. Before they had stopped swinging from the last arrivals yet one more stepped through. A lesser life form sporting kiddy sideburns going by the name of Ixar Sham.

"hey boss, ya need some head bashing done?" This lesser life form had not yet spotted it's master's face, or it too would have stopped in dread. All it's life it had fought against the growing sideburns, without effect, and now it's life long belief that the Empire, er, excuse me, the Republic was anti burns would come to an abrut end.

"Man, Palp, didn't know ya were one of us?" After the prolonged silence of Grando, our hero finally speaks again. *author currently has a cat-who-drank-the-cream-smile on her face.*

"I am not. This is not voluntary.*

"just like your gambling?"

"Grando, he hasn't yet realized he wants to be one of us. It's his inner most desire and he hasn't come out of the closet yet."

"True, hadn't thought of it this way."

"I. do. not. want. to. be. one. of. you. Clear enough?"

"master." the squeaky voice apparently belongs to Ixar Sham... who just noticed that his master sported sideburns to rival even Grando's. "what... what happened to you."

"Nothing, deal with them. They either join us or die."

"Yes master." Sham turned to the invading mantina denizens dreading having to face the combinded power of their burns.

"Technically speaking, they could be made to join our side even if they were dead." Suddenly the whole attention focused on Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

"But, boss, they'd be dead, it wouldn't matter." With a condescending smile Sandwich turned to dumb-Sapient.

"Not if we creat holos in which they bash their planet and their pathetic alliance."

"I like that. I like that very much." Palpatine, the three burocratic aide, Sham and the few gards who hadn't ran away turned to face the heros.

"Gulp, the author suddenly feels very bad. Just like in the carbon freezing chamber on Bespin.*

******

Next time on Shadow Rebellion...

Can Grando save not only himself, but also his world and his fellow fighters. Will the Empire triumph before it has even been formed?

Stay tuned to find out.

 

to the top with this.