Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Jan 26, 2002.

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  1. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
  2. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, all! :)

    Wasn't sure if a story poking fun at the handmaidens would go over well with folks; they seem to be pretty popular hereabouts...

    And TheDarth...get your mind out of that gutter! ;)


    :) Blind Man
  3. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
  4. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    what gutter?! *looks around* oh...
  5. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Because Kitt327 asked for it...


    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

    DOOR TO DOOR


    As the Rebels struck a fatal blow against the second Death Star above Endor, so too did Darth Vader strike a blow--against his master, hurling Palpatine into the reactor core. Grievously wounded by Palpatine's lightning bolts, Vader miraculously survived. But what to do? Where could a reformed Dark Lord of the Sith find gainful employment in this brave new Republic?

    So it is that we now find VADER on an outlying world, being pushed toward a doorway by a slight, balding man of middle years in a natty suit...


    VADER: (to man) I'm not sure about this, Myrum.

    MYRUM: You've got to start somewhere, Skywalker. Just remember the spiel.

    (As MYRUM backs off, VADER steps forward and hesitantly knocks on the door. A few moments later, a woman opens the door.)

    VADER: Pardon me, but is the lady of the house home?

    WOMAN: I *am* the lady of the house.

    VADER: Oh. My apologies. The chin hair threw me off.

    WOMAN: What do you want?

    VADER: I'm glad you asked me that, madam. I'm here selling Reconstituted Rancor Powder--another great product from the folks at Craptacular Enterprises.

    WOMAN: I don't want--

    VADER: It makes a lovely after-dinner snack. And you can clean your gutters with it!

    WOMAN: Not interes--

    VADER: And if you order in the next ten minutes, we'll double your order--AND throw in the Super Shammy absolutely free!

    (The WOMAN closes the door in VADER's face. VADER stands there a moment, then heads back down the walkway to where MYRUM waits.)
    VADER: She doesn't seem to want any, Myrum.

    MYRUM: (sighing and rolling his eyes) Vader, what's our motto here at Craptacular Enterprises?

    VADER: The customer is always right?

    MYRUM: The other motto.

    VADER: Never take no for an answer.

    MYRUM: Exactly. Now--

    VADER: But don't those contradict each other?

    MYRUM: Did you just interrupt me?

    VADER: I'm just saying, if the customer says "no", and they're always right, shouldn't we leave them al--

    (MYRUM yanks VADER'S cape, forcing the taller man to lean down toward him.)

    MYRUM: Listen, buddy. I know what you're used to. You're used to being Mr. Big Shot, aren't you? Mr. "Right Hand Man to the Emperor". Mr. "I command entire fleets and can destroy planets with impunity." Aren't you?

    VADER: Yes.

    MYRUM: Well, listen up: You're in MY world, now. Here, it's all about ME--Myrum T. Hernblecker. Craptacular Enterprises' Salesman of the Year thirty-three years in a row. I don't even know what's in this stuff we're selling, but you could create several planets from the amount I've sold. I'm THAT good. So when I tell you, my apprentice, to do something, you'd better do it. And I'm telling you to get back there and make this sale.

    VADER: (muttering as he walks away) ...Thirty-three years; la-de-freakin' da...

    MYRUM: I heard that!

    (VADER goes back to the door, knocks again. The WOMAN opens the door, glares at him.)

    VADER: Hello, again. Perhaps if I explained some more of the benefits of--

    WOMAN: Listen, Wheezy. I'm not interested, okay? So go sell your cookies or whatever somewhere else.

    (She slams the door.)

    VADER: (muttering) Never take no for answer. Never take no for an answer...

    (He knocks on the door, harder this time. The woman yanks it open.)

    VADER: Did you notice the delightful cartoon Rancor on the box...?

    WOMAN: LEAVE! (she slams the door.)

    (VADER stares at the door a moment...glances back over toward MYRUM...then turns back to the door. He makes a slight motion with his hand, and the door explodes inward in a shower of splinters. He strides inside, to find the startled woman goggling at him.)

    WOMAN: What do you want?! Are you crazy?!

    VADER: Madam, I'm simply here to sell you a fine, quality product. Now, are you going to buy some, or am I going to have to put your family in carbonite?

    (A few minutes later, holding a fistful of credits, VADER returns to MYRUM.)

    MYRUM: (wiping a tear from his eye) That was just beautiful...

    VADE
  6. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    LOLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! That was great!!!!1
  7. JediClare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
  8. TheFallen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 27, 2001
    star 4
    You know.... it's really funny picturing Darth Vader doing that with that weird voice...

    BWA HAH HAH HAH :D
  9. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    "you DO want our product"
    "i DO want your product"
    "very well that'd be 500 credits"

    :D i love it!!!
  10. Kitt327 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 23, 2000
    star 4
    Aw, that was BRILLANT!

    calling Darth Vader 'wheezy', if that isn't asking for it, I don't know what is . . :D lol

    Vader - he's such an untapped mine of humor, ain't he?
  11. Jaded Skywalker Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 24, 1999
    star 4
    LOL! They just keep getting better and better! :D
  12. jade_angel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 4, 2001
    star 4
    Climbs into chair, still laughing

    Oh God... that was just... hilarious! I love this thread and the Vader monologues, Blindman, you're just one of the best humour writers out there.
  13. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, all! :)


    COMING ATTRACTIONS:


    Three Dead Guys Chillin' (EDIT: This one just refuses to "gel", so I think it's going on the backburner for a while longer...)

    Attack of the Klones



    :) Blind Man
  14. Delight Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2001
    star 4
  15. TheFallen Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 27, 2001
    star 4
    Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeeaw! You gon' kick that [mutha whaaa] up in this awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeeaw!!

    Well now, where did that come from? [face_plain]
  16. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Since mis-spellings seem to be the bane of the boards...


    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

    ATTACK OF THE KLONES



    The news of the impending marriage of Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade spreads across the galaxy like wildfire. But not all are overjoyed...


    (On a remote, desolate world sits an Imperial outpost. In its command center are two men: Captain LAROSK, who sits at the communications console, and Sanitation Engineer BREK, who's mopping the floor.)

    LAROSK: (shaking his head) I can't believe she'd do this to me.

    BREK: (not looking up from his mopping) What's that, sir?

    LAROSK: I mean, it's bad enough that the budget cuts reduced our staff here to you, me, and the assistant cafeteria droid, but now *this*...?

    BREK: What do you mean, sir?

    LAROSK: Don't you watch the news, man?! Mara Jade, the woman I was destined for, is marrying some hick farmboy!

    BREK: Ah. (he wrings out his mop)

    LAROSK: It seems like only yesterday when she and I first met. We were little more than kids, really. This was before I graduated from the Academy, before she became the Emperor's Hand....We met at a restaurant. And you know what she said to me?

    BREK: I can't imagine.

    LAROSK: She said...*sigh*...she said: "Do you want fries with that?"

    BREK: (frowning) And...?

    LAROSK: What do you mean, "and?"? Can't you read between the lines? When a woman says "Do you want fries with that", it actually means, "I'm yours for life, you big manly bo-hunk stallion."

    BREK: Ah. (he returns to his mopping)

    LAROSK: That was the only time we ever met, but it was enough. I'm not letting some moisture farmer steal her away. Oh, no. I've got a plan, you see.

    BREK: And what might that be?

    LAROSK: I'm glad you asked that...

    BREK: (shrugging) That's why I make the big bucks...

    LAROSK: Come with me.

    (BREK sets his mop aside, and follows LAROSK through the sterile corridors down to one of the sub-levels. They enter a lab, where five large, mist-filled glass cylinders are lined up against one wall. LAROSK pushes a button, and the doors of the cylinders hiss open. A figure emerges from each tube--all five of the figures are identical...)

    BREK: (pointing) Hey, isn't that--

    LAROSK: Anakin Skywalker, that's right. Age 20. My secret weapon--five klones of the Emperor's most feared soldier.

    BREK: "Klones"? Don't you mean "clones"?

    LAROSK: (shaking his head) Klone technology is far more advanced than clone tech.

    BREK: That's darn impressive.

    LAROSK: I know. Allow me to introduce...(he points to each klone in turn:) Annakin, Anikin, Annikin, Anakan and Billy.

    BREK: Billy?

    BILLY: (raising a hand) Yo.

    LAROSK: Gentlemen, what is your prime directive?

    ANNAKIN, ANIKIN, ANNIKIN and ANAKAN: (in unison) To bring you Mara's booty is our duty, sir!

    BILLY: (shrugging and pointing to the others) What they said.

    LAROSK: Excellent. There's a ship ready on the landing platform. It has all the supplies and weaponry you'll need.

    BILLY: (raising a hand) Can I drive?

    LAROSK: Um...sure.

    ANNIKIN: Hey, I wanted to drive!

    ANAKAN: I call shotgun!

    ANNAKIN: No, I want it!

    ANIKIN: No, me!

    ANAKAN: I called it first!

    (ANAKAN, ANNIKIN, ANNAKIN and ANIKIN start slapping each other around. BILLY crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.)

    BREK: *These* are the Emperor's ultimate soldiers?

    LAROSK: There must have been some glitch in the duplication process, or the indoctrination programming...

    BREK: Or maybe they're just stupid.

    LAROSK: (to the klones) ENOUGH!!!!!

    (The klones stop, look toward him.)

    LAROSK: Billy flies, the rest of you take turns at shotgun. Now go! Go! Go!

    (The klones salute and hurry from the room. LAROSK and BREK return to the command center, where they watch the klones' ship lift off from the landing platform and streak into the sky.)

    BREK: You really think they can pull this off?

    LAROSK: (steepling his fingers) Oh, yes. Mara Jade *will* be mine...


    (A couple of days later, on Coruscant, in the quarters of MARA JADE....LEIA and WINTER ar
  17. vogt0047 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 13, 2001
    star 3
    ROTFLOL!!!!!!!


    That was so funny! [face_laugh]
  18. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
    OMG! I'm laughing so hard! These are hilarious! Please write more!
  19. The_Dead_Parrot Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 1, 2002
    star 1
    I was on the floor laughing.
  20. _Derisa_Ollamhin_ Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2000
    star 4
    All I can say is: ROUGE SQUADRON!!!

    I want more Rouge Squadron! That is the exact image I have always gotten when reading that particular typo, albeit in much more happy detail! Gods aboe and below, BlindMAn you are dangerously funny.

    *Derisa*
  21. Rani Veko Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2000
    star 4
    Rouge Squadron...

    *falls off chair*

    More Rouge Squadron! It's makeover time!!!

    - Rani
  22. jade_angel Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 4, 2001
    star 4
    Gardblawnit!!! I want more Rouge Squadron!!

    And BTW, Billy rocks... erm no pun intended.
  23. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!! My cheeks hurt from holding in a laugh, I'm afraid to wake my parents...

    Oh my gosh, that was tooo funny! Rouge squadron... Jacen's reason for fighting the klones, and billy..... whew......

    too great!!!!
  24. Risste Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 26, 2001
    star 3
    Woooooo.

    Woooooo.

    *attempting unsuccessfully to catch breath*

    Woooooo.

    Woooooo.

    Keep up the good work. LMAO.
  25. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    It's hard to breathe from laughing so hard.
    You are one wicked, twisted soul!! I love it!! :) :D [face_laugh]
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