Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Jan 26, 2002.

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  1. Aralna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 1, 2000
    star 4
  2. Delight Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2001
    star 4
    Rouge squadron! LOL. And... Billy? More Billy too!
  3. BlindMan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, folks! :)

    Billy will be back eventually. And it looks like I'll *have* to do something else with Rouge Squadron, considering the response... :)

    :) Blind Man
  4. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
  5. The Butler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 18, 1999
    star 4
    Billy and the Blazing Toad! :D
  6. Denny Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    rubs eyes wow.....


    Blindman you rock. loved the behind the helmet specialy.
  7. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    ¡Nececitamos mas pronto!
  8. JediClare Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
    [face_laugh] Rouge Squadron was so INSANE! Hope to see more of them! [face_laugh]

    = Clare =
  9. Marawannabe Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2001
    star 4
    I wanna see more of Suzy, personally! ROFLOL!!! :D
  10. Jacinta_Kenobi Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    SHOWDOWN BETWEEN BILLY AND SUZY! :D Now THAT would be funny.

    Good job. [face_laugh]
  11. BlindMan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    COMING ATTRACTIONS:

    Amateur Night at the Mos Eisley Cantina

    Gossiping with the Enemy



    :) Blind Man
  12. TheDarth Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    Lol blindman i loved that, we should team up some time :p please? pretty please with a very large cherry on top sprinkled with chocolate chips and smothered with vanilla ice cream through the holes in the chocolate icing and whipped cream...

    *Thinks for a second*

    Never mind *Walks away with his delicious please-cake*
  13. BlindMan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

    AMATEUR NIGHT AT THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA


    (In the Mos Eisley Cantina, the bartender, WUHER, stands on the stage, looking out over the crowded room. Aliens of all sorts fill the tables and booths.)

    WUHER: Hello. Is this thing working? (he taps the microphone) Hello! And welcome to Amateur Night at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Our usual band isn't here tonight; seems they got discovered by a major recording label, and decided to forget about all of their friends--the ones who gave them a job when nobody else would; who pulled them out of the gutter and helped catapult them to fame. But I'm not bitter! Oh, no! ANYway, we've decided to open up the stage to anyone who wants a moment in the spotlight to show us their true talents. First up....He has the heart of a smuggler, but the soul of a poet. Get ready for the lyrical stylings of Mr. Han Solo!

    (The audience applauds as HAN steps on stage. He stands at the microphone, pulls a piece of paper from his pocket.)

    HAN: I call this poem, "Time". Ahem...."Time. It's, like, really big./ Infinite, man. Infinite./ I swim through it like a fish through gravy./ Looking for my biscuits./ Can't have my gravy without my biscuits./ Where are my biscuits?/ They're lost in Time, man. Time." Thank you.

    (Out in the audience, CHEWBACCA starts to snap his fingers in applause. A few others do the same. WUHER bounds back up onto the stage as HAN steps down.)

    WUHER: Well, that was certainly...profound. Next, put your hands together for the Amazingly Acrobatic Jawas!

    (A trio of Jawas leap onto the stage and begin to flip and cartwheel around...)

    (The next half-hour passes in a whirl: after the Acrobatic Jawas comes a Tusken Raider performing magic tricks; Owen Lars and three other moisture farmers singing as a barber shop quartet; and a tap-dancing Gamorrean. As the Gamorrean leaves the stage, WUHER takes the microphone again.)

    WUHER: Wasn't that just great, folks? Who's having fun?

    (The audience applauds.)

    WUHER:, Well, hold onto your hats. Because coming up next, we've got a Bothan who juggles womp rats, of all things! Say hello to--

    (WUHER breaks off as one of his assistants comes onto the stage and starts to whisper to him.)

    WUHER: What? What do you mean, the Bothan's dead? *Eaten* by the womp rats? And they're loose? I have carnivorous womp rats loose in my cantina? (he suddenly realizes the microphone is still on, and looks out sheepishly toward the audience.) Heh. Just kidding, folks. Having a little fun with you. And speaking of fun, let's bring out our next act. He's come in all the way from Nar Shaddaa--please put your hands together for Shecky the Trandoshan!

    (The lizard-like alien comes onto the stage amidst the applause.)

    SHECKY: Thank you. Thank you. Do we have any Gungans in the audience tonight? (he looks around) Any Gungans?

    (A Gungan at one of the tables raises his hand; SHECKY pulls out a blaster and shoots him. The Gungan slumps over, dead, and SHECKY turns back to the audience.)

    SHECKY: But seriously folks....I just flew in from Nar Shaddaa, and boy is my thruster tired!

    (A heckler pipes up from the audience:)

    HECKLER: Yeah, that's what your wife said!

    (The audience chuckles.)

    SHECKY: Hey, that's funny, man. You're pretty good.

    HECKLER: Yeah, your wife said I was pretty good, too!

    (The audience laughs harder. SHECKY shoots the HECKLER in the chest, and the audience applauds. As the body slides to the floor, SHECKY steps off the stage, and approaches a horned Devaronian sitting nearby.

    SHECKY: Knock-knock.

    (The Devaronian stares at him. SHECKY puts his blaster up against the Devaronian's forehead.)

    SHECKY: I *said*...knock-knock.

    DEVARONIAN: Wh-who's there?

    SHECKY: Naboo.

    DEVARONIAN: Naboo who?

    SHECKY: Aw, don't cry! My act's not *that* bad!

    (The Devaronian frowns in puzzlement.)

    SHECKY: Get it? "Boo-hoo"?

    (The Devaronian says nothing, looking nervously at the gun. As SHECKY's claw begins to tighten on the trigger, the Devaronian faints from f
  14. TheDarth Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
  15. vogt0047 Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 13, 2001
    star 3
    LMAO!!!!!


    That was great Blindman [face_laugh]


    Chewie snapping his fingers like a yuppie!
  16. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
  17. Denny Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    aw! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]


    that was great BM! UP!
  18. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
    Super! Han the poet... yeah,right! [face_laugh]
  19. JediClare Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
    HAN: I call this poem, "Time". Ahem...."Time. It's, like, really big./ Infinite, man. Infinite./ I swim through it like a fish through gravy./ Looking for my biscuits./ Can't have my gravy without my biscuits./ Where are my biscuits?/ They're lost in Time, man. Time." Thank you.

    Hahahahahaha - ::THUNK::
  20. Denny Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
  21. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    lol.. i loved Han's poem! This is excellent!
  22. DARTH2-D2 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2002
    star 4
    Cool man cool, **snaps fingers**
  23. BlindMan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

    GOSSIPING WITH THE ENEMY


    (In a towering Imperial fortress, Admiral Daala sits in her quarters, absently studying a tactical display. A chime comes from the doorway.)

    DAALA: Enter!

    (The door hisses open, and two soldiers enter.)

    SOLDIER #1: Admiral, a group of stormtroopers has arrived at the base, and requests an audience.

    DAALA: Indeed? I assume their authorization codes checked out?

    SOLDIER #1: Of course. But--

    DAALA: Yes?

    SOLDIER #1: Sir, they used the Delta Omega Five code.

    DAALA: (eyes widening a bit) Did they really? Show them in.

    SOLDIER #1: Sir, forgive my curiosity, but isn't Delta Omega Five for top priority assignments?

    (DAALA simply stares at him. After a moment, he humbly nods, then turns to SOLDIER #2, waving him toward the doorway. SOLDIER #2 departs, then returns a moment later, leading six stormtroopers into the room.)

    DAALA: (to SOLDIER #1 and #2) You may leave us.

    (The soldiers nod, and depart. The door closes behind them. For a moment, DAALA simply stares at the stormtroopers, thrumming her fingers against the arm of her chair.)

    DAALA: I could be killed for this, you know. My own men would shoot me. But you're my only hope.

    (The stormtroopers take off their helmets, revealing WEDGE, TYCHO, HOBBIE, JANSON, CORRAN and GAVIN.)

    WEDGE: Honey, discretion is Rouge Squadron's middle name. Now, what's the problem?

    DAALA: I have to go to Moff Borlan's party. One of those stupid "meet and greet" deals, as we try to secure a new alliance with a neighboring system. I don't want to go, but if I have to, I'll be damned if I let Borlan's little hussy of a wife look better than me!

    WEDGE: Just leave it to us, sister. (he turns to the Rouges) Damage assessment! Stat!

    (The Rouges swarm over DAALA, checking fingernails, toenails, skin tone. JANSON examines her hair.)

    JANSON: Lovely, simply lovely. Do you use a cream rinse?

    DAALA: Every day.

    JANSON: Hand dry or blow dry?

    DAALA: Hand dry, of course.

    JANSON: (to WEDGE) I think I love this woman.

    CORRAN: (examining DAALA's right hand) We've got a hangnail! Code Red! Code Red!

    (HOBBIE hands CORRAN a pair of tweezers. CORRAN frowns at them, hands them back.)

    CORRAN: Damn it, I need #3 tweezers! Those are #2!

    HOBBIE: Sorry, sorry!

    (He hands over the correct tweezers, and CORRAN sets to work. WEDGE, meanwhile, begins to apply makeup.)

    WEDGE: So...how's every little thing? I heard you'd retired, or something.

    DAALA: Wherever did you hear such nonsense?

    WEDGE: Oh, you know how people talk.

    DAALA: Yeah, I do. You know, I'm kind of surprised you guys agreed to come out here. I mean, us being on opposite sides, and all.

    WEDGE: Honey, good looks don't recognize *any* boundaries. Let everyone else fight their silly little wars; we'll spend our time making the galaxy look beautiful. Right, guys?

    JANSON, TYCHO, HOBBIE, CORRAN and GAVIN: (in unison) Right!

    (Twenty minutes later, DAALA's hair is up in curlers, as the Rouges continue their work...)

    DAALA: --and so I was all, like, "Sun Crusher"? What a stupid name! We are *not* calling it that!

    JANSON: Preach on, sister.

    CORRAN: Okay, Daala, before Gavin and I can start painting these nails, we've got to see what you're going to be wearing, so we can color coordinate.

    DAALA: My dress is over in the wardrobe, there. (she gestures) The green one.

    (CORRAN walks over, opens the wardrobe and lifts out the green dress.)

    CORRAN: Oh. My. God. I think I'm going to pee my pants, this is so beautiful. (he turns toward the other Rouges, holding up the dress) Is this not faboo?

    TYCHO: *Totally* faboo.

    JANSON: (to WEDGE) I am going to marry this woman.

    GAVIN: What do you think, Corran? Emerald Gloss #5 for the nails?

    CORRAN: Definitely.

    (With obvious reluctance, CORRAN puts the dress away. GAVIN walks over and rummages through a small pack of supplies they've set on top of one of DAALA's consoles, pulling out a small bottle of nail polish. As he does, he accidently kno
  24. vogt0047 Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 13, 2001
    star 3
    LMAOROTF!!!!!!

    [face_laugh]


    The humor of blindman strikes again!
  25. Denny Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    OH
    MY
    SITH!

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    *Incandefous!* or something like that!

    I adore you BM!

    Denny
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