Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Jan 26, 2002.

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  1. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
  2. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    hang nail.. code red! That was HILLARIOUS!

    I love these Rouge Squadron skits!
  3. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    Can't... laugh.... aloud.... will... wake.. parents... [face_laugh] OMG. This is too funny!!!!! It should be a sin for something to be this funny!!!!!
  4. Delight Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2001
    star 4
    Oh my goodness...

    Welcome to our newest brand name in cosmetics: 'Rouge Squadron' For career Military women everywhere!
  5. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    Hahahahaha!!!!

    BlindMan, you surpass yourself! This is hilarious! I can't believe I missed it! I absolutely love the Rouge Squadron! The "Attack of the Klones" was hysterical! And I've used an exclamation point on every sentence!
  6. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, folks! :)

    Is there anyone you might want to see Rouge Squadron meet in the future? (Not sure *when* they'll turn up again, but I think they will...)

    :) Blind Man
  7. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    They should definitely turn up again! They're great!

    I think it would be funny to have the Rouge Squadron meet up with Palpy, but chronology kinda gets in the way . . .
  8. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    Raises both hands high in the air I wanna see Rouge Squadron some more! I love them!!
  9. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Okay, technically, I'm cheating with this one, since it's part of my Rogue Droid Squadron thread....But this portion of the story *is* a "stand-alone" tale, and today *is* a holiday (okay, not the *same* holiday, but still...). And...and....Oh, all right. This is just a shameless attempt to try and get more people to check out that other thread by giving you a sampling of that story. *deep sigh* Okay, I'm fine, now. :p


    Short Attention Span Theater Presents:


    A BOONTA EVE TALE:

    'Twas the night before Boonta, and on Tatooine,
    young Luke (aged just five) was causing a scene.

    "He's real!" he pouted, as he faced Uncle Owen.
    "Old Ben told me so--no hot air was he blowin'!"

    "That crazy old man," Owen said with a sneer.
    "Boonta Claus is a myth; don't believe all you hear.

    "Now pod-racing--THAT'S what this day's all about!
    I could watch that all day, and never tire out.

    "Now go do your chores, you whiny young brat.
    I'll hear no more 'Boonta Claus' business, got that?"

    Aunt Beru scowled at Owen and said,
    "Keep talking that trash, and I'll cave in your head."

    She smiled then at Luke. "Boonta Claus is no myth.
    "He'll visit us tonight, as stealthy as a Sith.

    "He'll leave us some gifts, and then he'll retreat,
    and we'll leave him blue milk and cookies to eat.

    "Now go do your chores, and then off to bed,
    while I 'chat' with this idiot husband I wed..."

    As Owen backed off, his face tinged with fear,
    Luke dashed away filled with holiday cheer.

    Later that night, after both suns had set,
    Luke lay in bed wondering what gifts he'd get.

    (Meanwhile, ol' Owen had to sleep on the couch.
    Served him too right, the cranky old grouch...)

    Elsewhere, across that world very dry,
    others prepared for that Boonta Claus guy.

    Stockings were hung, and chimneys were swept,
    in hopes they'd be visited while everyone slept.

    And things were happening on another world, too;
    far from Luke, Owen, and Auntie Beru.

    Way out there in the depths of dark space,
    was a world called Hoth, a desolate place.

    And up near that frozen world's icy north pole,
    was a workshop where making gifts was the main goal.

    In red coat and hat, Boonta Claus oversaw
    the work of his ELF-droids, he wanted no flaws.

    He looked much like Yoda; they could have been bros.
    (And maybe they were; who the heck really knows?)

    He watched the droids work as he did every season,
    not knowing one harbored thoughts verging on treason.

    ELF-2 was the renegade droid of the shop,
    filled up with bitterness, right up to his top.

    He grumbled to all, "Every year it's the same.
    WE do the work, and HE gets the fame!

    "This year I say it's time to rebel!
    Down with The Man! Let's jingle his bell!"

    The others ignored him; they'd heard this before.
    And truth to be told, they all thought him a bore.

    But ELF-2 had plans, this year things would be new.
    He'd laid out a scheme--he knew just what to do.

    As they loaded the gifts onto Boonta Claus's sleigh
    ELF-2 stowed aboard, hiding out of the way.

    They tethered eight tauntauns to the front of the vessel.
    The stench was much worse than the spice mines of Kessel.

    Then Boonta Claus jumped right up into his seat,
    picked up the reins and stamped his small feet.

    "On Neeson! On MacGregor! On Portman and Lloyd!
    On Hamill! On Fisher! Let's head for the void!

    "Pull, Ford, pull! And Lucas, lead the way!
    We've places to be, so let's have no delay!"

    They raced o'er the snow then rose into the air,
    heading for space on a wing and a prayer.

    They sped through the starscape as though running a race--
    moving so fast, they hit hyperspace.

    And as the stars stretched in a dazzling display,
    ELF-2, still hidden, knew that this was his day.

    Revenge would be his, he had only to wait.
    A short while more, and he'd seize his new fate.

    The time ticked away (as time's wont to do),
    the stars stretched again, and their journey was thr
  10. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    COMING ATTRACTIONS:


    Lando: The Movie

    Tik, the Kamikaze Ewok



    :) Blind Man
  11. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
    You truly have a talent for writing hilarious stuff. :) I'm looking forward to Lando: The Movie. [face_laugh]
  12. vogt0047 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 13, 2001
    star 3
    [face_laugh]

    I can't wait for the Lando movie!
  13. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    Lando movie? That's gonna be great!
  14. Denny Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    BlindMan! I LOVE you, you gotta be the craziest guy I've ever... read? [face_laugh]

    this was just insanily hilarious! I love thiis! I can't wait for Lando: The movie.

    Now... I love this and I quote

    He looked much like Yoda; they could have been bros.
    (And maybe they were; who the heck really knows?)


    He dashed back outside and he saw his bad luck,
    threw down his gift sack and shouted, "Ah, f(BLEEP)!"


    "A bionic hand? Jeez, these things are no fun!
    They're so very useless--I'll never need one..."


    These were just the best!


    HUGGLES
    Denny
  15. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    while I 'chat' with this idiot husband I wed...

    OH. MY. GOSH.

    Blindman, you're too funny!!!!!! I can't believe you can come up with this stuff! Can't wait for the kamakazie ewok! :D
  16. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    (EDIT: To make things (hopefully) a bit easier to sort out, all "movie" dialogue is now underlined...)


    Short Attention Span Theater Presents:


    LANDO: THE MOVIE


    (On Coruscant, an air taxi swoops through the gleaming towers, and settles to the ground outside the gates of a sprawling complex. HAN SOLO emerges from the vehicle, pays the driver. As the taxi flies away, the gates open, and LANDO CALRISSIAN comes out, beaming at HAN.)

    LANDO: Han, old buddy! Thanks for coming!

    HAN: Hey, when I heard you were directing a holo-drama, I just *had* to come and see if they were really crazy enough to let you into this business. I mean, you're greedy, manipulative, a total scoundrel....Wait a minute. You *are* perfect for this...

    (LANDO chuckles as they walk through the gates...)

    LANDO: (shrugging) I figured it was time to get my memoirs recorded somehow. This whole business we just went through with Thrawn got me thinking--I'm not immortal. I need to preserve this for future generations.

    HAN: I know what you mean. I--

    (Suddenly HAN and LANDO are nearly bowled over by a stampede of Ewoks. They exchange a suprised look as the chittering creatures go charging away.)

    LANDO: (looking around, raising his voice) Okay, where's my Ewok wrangler? These guys aren't supposed to be on-set until this afternoon! C'mon, people! (he shakes his head, turns back to HAN) Sorry about that.

    HAN: Hey, at least they aren't tying me to a spit.

    (They reach a stage that's been made-up to look like a docking platform on Cloud City--complete with a mock-up of the Millenium Falcon. As they approach the camera crew gathered there, a blue-skinned Twi'lek female steps forward.)

    LANDO: (to Twi'lek) Are we set, Prill?

    PRILL: Ready when you are, sir.

    LANDO: Terrific. (he gestures toward HAN) Prill, this is--

    PRILL: Han Solo. A pleasure to meet you. I've been hearing about you since I was a kid. (she shakes HAN's hand.)

    HAN: Well, now I feel old.

    (LANDO drops into a seat, gestures HAN toward the seat next to him. On-stage, a group of actors come out, begin taking their positions, waiting for the scene to begin. Among them are look-alikes for Leia, Chewie, Threepio...)

    HAN: (pointing toward one actor) Hey, is that guy supposed to be me?

    LANDO: Yeah. The guy nails his lines perfectly. You should be flattered.

    HAN: But look at him! My nose isn't *that* big, is it? (he touches his nose self-consciously) And that uni-brow of his--

    LANDO: (chuckling) Relax....We can clean that up in post-production. A little digital nip and tuck.

    (HAN doesn't look entirely appeased, but quiets down.)

    LANDO: (turning toward the stage and raising his voice) Okay, folks, let's get to work. We'll start with the hug....Annnnd, ACTION!

    (On-stage, "LANDO" and "HAN" embrace.)

    "LANDO": How you doin', you old pirate? So good to see you! I never thought I'd get to see you again! Where you been?

    ("HAN" reels a bit from "LANDO's" enthusiasm.)

    "LANDO": What are you doing here?

    "HAN": (hooking a thumb back toward the Falcon) Ah, repairs.

    "LANDO": What have you done to my ship?

    "HAN": *Your* ship? Hey, you lost her to me fair and square.

    ("LANDO" glances over at "CHEWIE")

    "LANDO": And how you doing, Chewbacca? Still hanging around with this loser?

    ("CHEWIE" woofs.)

    "LANDO": (noticing "LEIA") Hello, what have we here?

    (He walks over to her.)

    "LANDO": I'm Lando Calrissian, the administrator of this facility. And who might you be?

    "LEIA": Leia.

    "LANDO": Welcome, Leia...

    ("LANDO" kisses "LEIA's" hand. She swoons a moment, then turns to "HAN" and pushes him off the edge of the walkway. As he falls away, she throws herself into "LANDO's" arms.)

    "LEIA": Take me now, you irresistable hunk of man!

    "LANDO": Count on it, baby...(he leans in to kiss her)

    (Off-stage, HAN jumps out of his chair.)

    HAN: Cut!

    LANDO: Han, old buddy, *I'm* the director. *I'm* the one who calls "cut". What's the problem?
  17. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] LOL!!!!!!

    PRILLA: Besides, I heard that Luke used to make out with Leia, which is just *totally* sick...

    HAN: (looking uncomfortable) Well, we don't really like to talk about that around the house...


    LOL!!!!!! Her-Sheyism!!!! too funny!

  18. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    LOL

    PRILL: Did Greedo *really* shoot first?

    and the whole Luke thing...EXCELLENT!
  19. Denny Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    that was great, BM, you rock, you manage to overcome yourself each time! :p


    UP
    Denny
  20. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
  21. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, all! :)

    :) Blind Man
  22. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
    How did I miss this update?! This was super!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  23. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    Still love Her-Sheyism!!
  24. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    *laughs so hard her ribs crack* Whoops! Can't believe I missed those! You have outdone yourself yet again, BM. Awesome job! You really have a knack for this stuff!
  25. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    COMING ATTRACTIONS:


    Tik, the Kamikaze Ewok

    Three Dead Guys Chillin' (for real, this time...)


    :) Blind Man
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