Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Jan 26, 2002.

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  1. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents:

    PEN PALS



    Dear Emperor Palpatine,

    My name is Mara Jade, and I am eight years old. How are you doing? I am doing well. My teecher at school wants all of us to write a letter to someone famus, and I chose you because you are the most famusest of all. And because you look like my grandpa. He's dead now, but I liked him. He was very nice. I think you must be very nice, because you look like him. When I told my parents I was writing to you, they did not look very happy. My mommy said something about opreshun, and daddy just frowned. He frowns a lot, mostly when I don't want to eat my vegetables (I just learned how to spell that word in school), or when I don't do my chores. Sometimes he sends me to bed early, if I don't behave, which I think is very mean. I bet nobody makes YOU do your chores or eat your vegetables, huh? Keep up the great work. I think you are doing a very good job ruling the galaxy.

    Your Friend,

    Mara




    Dear Mara,

    Thank you for writing; I really enjoyed reading your letter.

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather; I'm sure he was a loyal and steadfast Imperial citizen. I must confess, though, that I'm a bit concerned with these reports of your parents' activities. Making you eat your vegetables? Sending you to bed early? Clearly, these are the acts of insurrectionists. Rest assured, your parents will be promptly liquidated, and you will be placed in an Imperial facility as my personal ward.

    You are to be commended for your actions, young Mara, and I will be watching your future with great interest...

    Sincerely,

    Emperor Palpatine




    Dear Emperor Palpatine,

    Wow! You wrote to me! But what's a insurrectionist? And what does liquidate mean? Does that mean you're going to give them drinks? Because they already have drinks. Sometimes they drink so much that they fall asleep for days. But I don't mind. I can cook my own food, then, without having to worry about those icky vegetables.

    Your Friend,

    Mara




    Dear Mara,

    What a resourceful and independent girl you must be! You will truly be an asset to the Imperial forces when you grow up.

    To answer your questions, insurrectionists are people who are mean to kids; that's why I'm trying to stop them all. And "liquidate" means we're going to be sending your parents far away on vacation--to a water park. They'll probably have so much fun there, that they'll never come back! But don't worry, I'll be around to take care of you...

    Sincerely,

    Emperor Palpatine




    Dear Emperor Palpatine,

    Gee, it's been three whole years, and my parents still haven't come back from that water park. It must be great there. Maybe someday you'll liquidate me, huh?

    Anyway, the reason I'm writing is to say thank you so much for all the birthday presents! I can't believe I'm already eleven years old!

    The birthday party was great. All my friends were there, with all the cake and ice cream and decorations. It was really neat. The best part, though, was having Lord Vader there. He did some really neat tricks for us, and he makes the BEST balloon animals. He didn't look like he was having much fun, though, kept saying something about it being beneath his station, whatever that means.

    When we were eating, my friend Shayla accidently flipped some of her ice cream onto Vader's face. It was pretty funny. Everybody laughed, except Vader. He just kind of looked at Shayla, then started pinching his fingers together for some reason. But then he shook his head and walked away. He's kind of weird.

    Your Friend,

    Mara

    P.S. Is it true that I'm going to be going to the Alderaanian Academic Institute in a couple of years? Everyone says that's just the BEST school...




    Dear Mara,

    Glad you enjoyed the presents. Be careful with those stun grenades, though; they're a little tricky.

    I'll have to have a...talk with Lord Vader about his behavior. He should know better...

    And, yes, you'll be going to the Institute. Only the best for you, my dear...

    Sincerely,

    Emperor P
  2. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
    <<<Vader's death will indeed be regrettable--Balloon Animal Sculpture is a Dark Side skill mastered by few, and I am loathe to remove such a talent from the galaxy>>>

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    coughmonologuesnext?pwweeeeaazzecough :D
  3. Denny Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    "Gooooooood. Your hate makes you powerful. Release your hatred. Let it flow. Experience the glory of the Dark Side of the Force...yessssssssssssss..."

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    *tackles Blind Man*

    You make my day so much better!

    I love this. Really great. I had to be careful not to wake up the entire house!


    Denny
  4. Iwishiwasajedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    These stories are so funny!!!!!! You should write one with Star Wars Actors and Actresses in it. I'm still [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  5. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    "And because you look like my grandpa. He's dead now, but I liked him"

    LOL this was excellent!! And baloon animals! That was the greatest.
  6. Marawannabe Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2001
    star 4
    Oh. My. Gosh.

    *falls on floor laughing so hard she can't breathe*

    THAT WAS SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!

    The cheerleaders... AHAHAHAHA!!!! YES!!! *launchs into Wizard of Oz, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead*

    WOOHOO!!!
  7. val solo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2000
    star 4
    Great post, as always! I particularly like the quick change as soon as she enters her teen years. ;)
  8. Miana Kenobi Costuming & Props Mod - Retired Admin

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Oh my gosh!!!!!! That was too funny!!!!!

    Dear Jerk... I scared my dog because i was laughing so loud!!!


    Mas porfavor!
  9. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!









    *pause*











    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
  10. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, all! :)


    COMING ATTRACTIONS:

    Tik, the Kamikaze Ewok

    Three Dead Guys Chillin'

    Wink Blasterburn...Ace...of...SPACE!


    :) Blind Man
  11. PeterTutham27 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 4
    Oh my God! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

    The balloon animals! And I loved the way you developed Mara through the letters!

    ROFLOL~! THAT WAS TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!
    MOREMOREMOREMOREMORE
  12. Malz4JESUS Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 5
    This has nothing to do with anything...but what exactly is angst?
  13. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    "Three Dead Guys Chillin"

    I can't wait for that one :)
  14. wan-bo-tak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2001
    star 4
    "SHECKY: Thank you. Thank you. Do we have any Gungans in the audience tonight? (he looks around) Any Gungans?

    (A Gungan at one of the tables raises his hand; SHECKY pulls out a blaster and shoots him. The Gungan slumps over, dead, and SHECKY turns back to the audience.)"




    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
    BlindMan, you bastid!! I never saw that coming!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    EDIT: More SHECKY pls? :D
  15. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Malz: "Angst" is anxiety. Fretting over every little personal problem. And so forth, and such like... :)



    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

    TIK, THE KAMIKAZE EWOK



    (In the Coruscant apartments of Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker, young Ben Skywalker, four years old, sits in his bedroom watching C-3PO fussing about the room, tidying up.)

    THREEPIO: I don't see why *I* have to do this. The young boy is perfectly capable of--

    (With a giggle, BEN uses the Force to knock some toys off a shelf and onto the floor.)

    THREEPIO: Why you--!

    BEN: You made a mess! You made a mess!

    THREEPIO: I most certainly did not, and you know it!

    BEN: Gonna tell dad! Gonna tell mom!

    (THREEPIO starts to pick up the fallen toys, and BEN knocks down still more, across the room.)

    THREEPIO: Stop that!

    (While BEN laughs, more toys fly off the shelves.)

    THREEPIO: Enough! (he grabs BEN by the scruff of the neck, lifts him up to eye level.) Listen to me, you obnoxious little monster! I've had quite enough of your foolishness! It was bad enough that I had to spend years playing nursemaid to those horrid Solo children, but I will *not* go through that again, do you hear me? I--

    (Just then, LUKE pokes his head around the edge of the doorway.)

    LUKE: Everything okay in here?

    THREEPIO: Oh! Master Luke! (he drops BEN, who lands with a *flump!* in a beanbag chair.)

    (LUKE walks in, picks up BEN and settles into a chair with his son on his lap.)

    LUKE: Ben hasn't been giving you too much trouble, has he, Threepio?

    THREEPIO: Oh, no, sir! He's been a perfect little angel.

    BEN: Dad, Freepio's bein' poopy! He needs a memmy wipe!

    LUKE: (ruffling BEN's hair) No, sport, we're not giving Threepio a memory wipe. What were you two up to, anyway?

    THREEPIO: Oh, we were just--

    BEN: Tell me a story!

    LUKE: Ben, it's rather rude to interrupt--

    BEN: (red-faced) I want a story NOW!!!!!!!!!

    LUKE: (looking at THREEPIO apologetically) Sorry. He gets that from his mother.

    THREEPIO: So I've noticed. A story? If I may, sir...?

    LUKE: Certainly.

    THREEPIO: Well, Ben, once upon a time--

    BEN: Lame!

    THREEPIO: (after a moment's silence) A long time ago--

    BEN: Stupid!

    LUKE: (giving his son a stern look) Bennnnn...(he looks at THREEPIO) Please, go on.

    THREEPIO: On the forest moon of Endor, there lived an Ewok named Tikkawakkalooloo--but his friends called him Tik. His *really* good friends called him Jennifer, but you're not old enough to hear *that* story, Ben.

    LUKE: (with a raised eyebrow) I think you've been spending too much time around Han...

    THREEPIO: Now, Tik was a very clever little Ewok. In fact, when he was just eight years old, he built himself a podracer out of logs and animal skins. He smuggled himself and his podracer into the cargo hold of a tourist vessel and headed off to join the racing circuit--and did rather well for himself. He won many races and made a fortune in product endorsements, because if there's one thing that Ewoks are perfect for, it's merchandising. He made *so* much money, in fact, that when he returned in triumph to Endor, he was able to live in splendor--with the biggest treehouse in the forest, the best food, and all the women he could--

    LUKE: (warningly) Threepio...

    THREEPIO: Oh. Yes. Well. Anyway, Tik lived a happy life--until the Yuuzhan Vong came. At first he paid them no mind; what did he care if some newcomers wanted to take over the galaxy? But then he noticed that, as more and more people were enslaved or killed, his endorsement checks weren't coming in quite so frequently--and *that* was simply intolerable. And he also realized that he couldn't rely on the Jedi to stop them, because, really, the Jedi were next to useless. The Vong were walking all over them. It was pathetic, really, the level of *incompetence* that was on display; one has to wonder how the Jedi even managed to tie their own shoe--

    LUKE: Ahem.

    THREEPIO: Ah...present company excluded, of course.

    LUKE: Of course.

    THREEPIO: At any rate, Tik realized it was up t
  16. wan-bo-tak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2001
    star 4
    Death Star constructed from fish bones and dung!! [face_laugh]

    I'd buy that for a dollar!! :D
  17. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    And I thought I hated babysitting :p

    I love:
    THREEPIO: Well, Ben, once upon a time--

    BEN: Lame!

    THREEPIO: (after a moment's silence) A long time ago--

    BEN: Stupid!

    LOL the greatest!
  18. Kriare Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 1998
    star 1
    His *really* good friends called him Jennifer,
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
    Just found this! Great!!!
  19. Denny Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    LMAO [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]


    BM I don´t know how you do this! But you make my day better! [face_laugh]
  20. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Just a quick update:

    "Wink Blasterburn:Ace...of...SPACE!" was *going* to be posted here, but turned out a bit too long for SHORT Attention Span Theater. So I wound up giving it its own thread, right over here:

    Wink Blasterburn:Ace...of...SPACE (version 2.0)

    Feel free to check it out. Or not. *shrug*


    :) Blind Man
  21. PeterTutham27 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 4
    ROFLOL! THAT WAS AWESOME!

    I was going to say $#*% happens but...

    LOL!!!
  22. Darth_Square_Blankey Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 2, 2002
    Hehehehe . . .










    Hahahahaha . . . .












    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
  23. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

    THREE DEAD GUYS CHILLIN'



    (With a hiss and a bump, the Blazing Toad touches down on a landing platform on Cloud City. Billy, renegade klone, debarks his ship, and heads off into the sprawling metropolis. As he reaches one of the main avenues, he stops to talk with a man loitering nearby.)

    BILLY: Excuse me, but I'm new here. Where can a guy get a decent drink?

    MAN: Well, I'll tell you, but it'll cost you a finder's fee. (he pulls out a blaster, points it at BILLY) Give me all your money.

    (BILLY raises an eyebrow, then reaches into his pocket to pull out his trusty rock. The would-be mugger's eyes widen at the sight of it, and he holsters his weapon and begins to back away, holding his hands out before him.)

    MAN: Whoa, man. Take it easy. I didn't mean nothing by it...

    BILLY: About that drink...?

    MAN: (pointing down the street) Just...just a couple of blocks, and hang a right. Can't miss it!

    BILLY: Thanks.(he re-pockets his rock, and the man takes off running.)

    (Shaking his head, BILLY follows the directions, and soon finds himself standing in front of a rather unassuming building, with a blue neon sign above the door proclaiming it to be "Sid's". He steps inside, and as his eyes adjust to the gloom he takes in the various species sitting at the tables, the band playing in one corner, the huge circular bar in the center of the room. He heads for the bar, plops down on a stool. A middle-aged bartender comes up to him.)

    BARTENDER: What'll it be?

    BILLY: Give me an Ithorian Death Spore.

    BARTENDER: You got it. (he whips up the drink, sets it down before BILLY, and watches him take a sip.) Hope you don't mind my saying so, son, but you're looking kind of beat.

    BILLY: No argument, there. Just flew in from Gloriban VI.

    BARTENDER: Lovely planet, isn't it?

    BILLY: Yeah. Unfortunately, I spent half my time there being chased by hordes of teenage girls who kept screaming "Hayden, we love you!!!"....I mean, what's *that* all about?

    BARTENDER: (shrugging) Broads. Who can understand 'em?

    (BILLY eyes the BARTENDER more closely, his brows furrowed.)

    BILLY: Do I know you? You look familiar.

    BARTENDER: That's funny; I was about to say the same thing...

    BILLY: Wait a minute...you look just like...Senator Palpatine! Before he went all evil!

    BARTENDER: Yeah, I'm one of his clones. Name's Sid. (he extends his hand)

    BILLY: (shaking hands) I'm Billy, a klone of Anakin Skywalker.

    SID: (grinning) Well, small galaxy, isn't it?

    BILLY: How'd a clone of Palpatine wind up running a bar on Cloud City?

    SID: Well, now, *that's* a tale unto itself. See, there was this Moff--

    (SID breaks off with a frown, looking at something over BILLY's shoulder. BILLY turns to look, sees a Rodian creeping toward the door.)

    SID: (raising his voice to the Rodian) Hey, Neebo! You weren't trying to leave without paying again, were you?

    (The Rodian throws him an obscene gesture. SID glares, then extends one hand toward the alien. Blue bolts of lightning shoot from his fingertips, crackling around the Rodian, who falls to the floor squealing.)

    SID: Excuse me for a minute, Billy...

    (BILLY watches SID step out from behind the bar and head toward the fallen Rodian. After a few moments, though, his attention is grabbed by a new arrival-- a young man in Jedi robes, who drops into the seat next to BILLY. BILLY watches him suspiciously, but the man seems to pay no attention to him, staring glumly at the bar.)

    SID: (dusting his hands off as he returns) Deadbeats. Gotta love 'em. (He notices the Jedi and smiles) Obi!

    OBI: Hey, Sid.

    SID: Well, this is just doppelganger day, isn't it?

    (OBI frowns at him in puzzlement. SID turns to BILLY.)

    SID: Billy, meet Obi-Seven, a clone of Obi-Wan. Obi, this is Billy, a klone of Anakin Skywalker.

    OBI: Hello.

    BILLY: Hey. (he ponders a moment) Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time. A long time. (he shrugs) Can't remember who he is, but I remember the name...

    OB
  24. Meredith_B_Mallory Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 6, 2001
    star 2
    It's about time someone took pitty on poor Obiwan! All those torture fics... ;) Brilliant, BlindMan. I just love Billy!

    ~Meredith
  25. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    *cracks up* Ooof, there went another rib . . . I swear, BlindMan, everything you write is hilarious!

    I love Billy. He's awesome. Let's have some more of his adventures. :)
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