Short Attention Span Theater Presents...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Jan 26, 2002.

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  1. toxikhiro Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 13, 2002
    star 2
    BlindMan, these are by far the funniest stories I've ever read, man. You have great skill with dialogue. Great skill! Just wondering, but do you have any other posts? I'd love to read 'em.
  2. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
  3. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    COMING ATTRACTIONS:


    One-Armed Bandits

    Substitute Teacher



    :) Blind Man
  4. wan-bo-tak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2001
    star 4
    Don't forget about Wink Blasterburn and The Vader Monologues, Blindman :)

    I'm anxiously awaiting for a new installment of both stories :D
  5. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    LOL...I can't wait for Subsitiute Teacher!
  6. HandmaidenEirtae Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 23, 2001
    star 3
    :D :D :D
    I love this! I'm only on page four, but I had to stop reading just to reply! I loved the first two posts. The handmaidens were so hysterical! While he and Jar Jar were dickering, the other girls and I had to listen to Watto's young slave, Anakin, hitting on us. "Are you angels?" he said--like I haven't heard *that* one before....After twenty minutes of listening to this crap, I told him that I *was* an angel: the angel of death, and I was here to claim him and his entire family. He ran away, crying. :D Wonderfully funny. Eirtae, Sabe, and Rabe as the Emperor's Hands. ;)
    And Rouge Squadron has me in fits!
    Keep up the good work!
    :D
    Eirtae

    EDIT: And the Mara/Palpatin letters were great! Loved the Vader the Ballon maker!
  7. Sumbudy-Wan_Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 13, 2002
    star 1
    LOL!

    I've never been on the Fan Fiction threads before, and I read this one first because it promised fun for those with short attention spans :)

    Anyways, all the stories have been hilarious and I have to say that I almost died laughing during "Dude" as I pictured Christopher Lee utter some of those lines! ROTF!

  8. jedi7 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2002
    star 4
    BLINDMAN!!!!!dude your the man!!!!
    More Rouges please, pretty please! :D [face_mischief] 7
  9. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Short Attention Span Theater Presents:

    SUBSTITUTE TEACHER



    (In the Jedi Temple, a group of children are sitting on mats, chatting and playing amongst themselves. They look up as MACE WINDU enters the room.)

    MACE: Good afternoon, children. My name is Mace Windu. You will refers to me as *Master* Windu--or you will be expelled. I'll be taking over your instruction for the day.

    (One BOY raises his hand.)

    MACE: Yes?

    BOY: Where's Master Yoda?

    MACE: He's at an arm-wrestling match on Kashyyyk. Now, before we begin, there are certain rules you *will* obey. One: There will be no horseplay. Two: If you wish to speak, you will raise your hand. Three: You will-- (he frowns, pointing at one boy) Get that finger out of your nose before I cut it off!

    (The boy jerks his hand away.)

    MACE: We're Jedi, for heaven's sake. Show a little dignity. Where was I? Oh, yes. Rule number three: You will obey my instructions to the letter. Rule number four: You will not, under any circumstances, underestimate the power of fudge. Now, are there any questions?

    (A Twi'lek girl raises her hand)

    MACE: Yes?

    TWI'LEK GIRL: What happened to all your hair?

    (MACE stares at her.)

    (And stares.)

    (And stares.)

    (Finally, the girl bursts into tears.)

    MACE: Right. Now, who can recite to me the Jedi mantra?

    (Several hands go up, and MACE points to a BITH boy, who stands up.)

    BITH: "There is no spoon"?

    (pause)

    MACE: Okay, you can go stand in the corner.

    BITH: But--

    MACE: Corner. Now.

    (The BITH trudges dejectedly away.)

    MACE: Anyone else?

    (A human BOY raises his hand.)

    BOY: Master Windu, can I go to the bathroom?

    MACE: No. Wait until after the lesson.

    BOY: But I gotta go!

    MACE: (sighing) What's your name, son?

    BOY: Rahn.

    MACE: Rahn, a Jedi must know discipline. Resist the urge.

    RAHN: (beginning to rock back and forth) But I'm dyyyyyyyyyyin'!

    MACE: Rahn, do you want to be a Jedi, or not?

    RAHN: Right now, I just wanna pee!

    MACE: With the proper training, such concerns will be beneath you. I, personally, haven't urinated in nearly fourteen years. One day you, too, will achieve such a level; consider this your first step on that path.

    RAHN: But I'm gonna explode!

    MACE: (rolling his eyes) Very well. You're dismissed. But I want you to reflect upon your weakness.

    RAHN: (nodding gratefully) Yes, Master. Thank you, Master.

    (RAHN hurries from the room. MACE watches him go, then shakes his head and glances at his datapad.)

    MACE: According to Master Yoda's lesson plan, you were scheduled to begin your lightsaber training today.

    (The kids all cheer. MACE looks at them sharply, and they all quiet down.)

    MACE: While I personally question the wisdom of putting such advanced weaponry into the hands of pre-pubescent children, this *is* Yoda's class, and I'm obligated to follow his curriculum.

    (MACE opens up a metallic case and begins to hand out the weapons. Whispered calls of "Wizard!" come from many of the students as they get the weapons. One Rodian girl raises her hand.)

    RODIAN: Can I get a double-bladed one?

    MACE: No.

    RODIAN: But they're bad-ass!

    MACE: So am I. What's your point?

    (The RODIAN grumbles a bit, but accepts the weapon that's given her. MACE then stands in the front of the class and pulls out his own lightsaber.)

    MACE: The first thing you need to learn is that the lightsaber is not a toy. I know you've probably all played with those cheap plastic versions you can buy at the store, with the electronic sounds and battery-powered glow--and the Temple *does* make a fortune licensing those out--but this is the real deal. This one will do some damage. Now, hold the hilt before you like this, (he demonstrates) and press the activation stud like so. (he ignites his lightsaber)

    (The children emulate his action, igniting their own blades. Several children cry out in surprise and nearly drop their weapons.)

    MACE: Very good. Now, with a light grip, swing it like so...

    (For the next little while, MACE leads the children throu
  10. Crazy_Vasey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2001
    star 4
    LMAO! That was brilliant.
  11. PeterTutham27 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 4
    There is no spoon! I love it! LOL! Nice one, BM!
  12. Kriare Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 1998
    star 1
    ROTFLMAO!!!
    "So am I. What's your point?"
    Absolute GOLD BlindMan!!!
    Up!
  13. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    "There is no spoon"? We're going to be playing quidditch? Cool! --ROFLOL!!!

  14. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    RODIAN: Can I get a double-bladed one?

    MACE: No.

    RODIAN: But they're bad-ass!

    MACE: So am I. What's your point?


    LMAO! This one has to be one of your best Blind Man!
  15. jedi7 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2002
    star 4
    Your sooooooo good!!! BlindMan. 7
  16. triggerfinger Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2002
    star 3
    Rule Four:You will not underestimate the power of fudge LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
  17. inez_the_swampgirl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 4
    *drools* MMMMMmmmmmmm....fuuuuudge.... *blinks, looks around* Um, wh-what? Oh sorry, I got possessed by Homer Simpson there for a second. Now where was I? Oh yes, "there is no spoon" [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    inez

    p.s. :confused: um... [face_blush] what's quidditch?
  18. triggerfinger Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2002
    star 3
    the sport from Harry Potter
  19. Jacinta_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    MACE: With the proper training, such concerns will be beneath you. I, personally, haven't urinated in nearly fourteen years.

    OMG, LOL!!! That was the greatest!
  20. JediClare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
    ROTFLMHO!! "There is no spoon"! [face_laugh] And the kid picking his nose in class! [face_laugh]
  21. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
    OH. MY. GOD. i was laughing so hard i had to stop reading at several points!!!! that was so fabulous i can't even describe it without going into some rant of some sort....anywho... [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  22. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, all! :)

    COMING ATTRACTIONS:

    One-Armed Bandits

    The Incredibly Amazing Adventures of the One and Only Kyle Katarn


    :) Blind Man
  23. triggerfinger Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2002
    star 3
  24. Kriare Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 1998
    star 1
    I would just like to take this upping opportunity to say that BlindMan is a genius, and I hope that he will write many, many more of these in the years to come.
    (like now..) :D :)
  25. jedi7 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 8, 2002
    star 4
    I have very little patience, [face_devil]
    so post!!!!! :) 7
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