Short Story

Discussion in 'LaGrange, GA' started by Admiral_Chiss, Mar 19, 2006.

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  1. Admiral_Chiss Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2005
    star 2
    Sup guys I am currently working on a short story involving my own characters and my own galaxy. This here is one of my current storys so if anyone has any ideas tell me and I may put it down and get published.

    "Fire? commanded the Lynianan Admiral Vikro Ne?Dolo, as he gazed down in delight as his four Starcruisers circled the civilian space station. On planet and circling the planet Draxis were the enemy vermin his fleet had discovered, and who were probably, at this very moment, plotting against him. Ha! The thought of someone thinking they could prevail against him was amusing to say the least which made him laugh quietly to himself. ?Gather the bombers? he commanded his aide ?and tell them to target the largest planet side city for strafing? He and his crew were all of a race which believed themselves holy and all others were inferior. The outsiders were to be slaves or among the lifeless and he would stop at nothing to accomplish their goals. As he watched down through the viewing screen he said a prayer for quick and bloodless victory to his gods.
    ?Filthy scum? exclaimed the trader, smuggler, tactician, businessman and among other things the current commander of the Draxian Defense Force, Jerc Karr. Jerc Karr was a legend among his people after his decisive victories in the Great Campaign. He had obtained the rank of Fleet Commander in the extensive Perian navy at the age of 28, the youngest to ever do so. After the Perian-Lynianan Galactic Conflict, as it was now known, he had settled down on the colony world Draxis on the outskirts of Perian territory. From there on Karr forged a small trading and shipping company and he owned a few corporations on near by worlds. Here he had met his wife, Lorene and had two sons, Jacob and Trisk. They were one of the first of many to be killed during the surprise attacks by the Lynianans. Now middle aged he had once again joined the military again and soon was the highest ranking naval officer. Jerc Karr sat on the bridge in the ancient dreadnaught Cosmic Fury as he watched in horror as the space station in front of him crumpled during with the enemy onslaught. His force of two dreadnaughts, half a dozen support frigates, and a dozen various fighter and bomber squadrons could do nothing to help as they were preoccupied with trying to evacuate the planet. They didn?t have near the firepower and technology to put up a fight here in the galaxy?s outskirts. Breaking through his musing, and with heavy sadness and gloom in his voice his second in command, a male Borean alien named Borsock, informed him they had all lost contact with the station. ?Very well? whispered Karr ?Order the dozen or so transport ships to gather on the far side of the moon away from the Lynianan forces while they make the jump to lightspeed. Tell them to travel too Perinia and to alert the Prime Minister of our situation and ask them to send a relief force.? ?What about us Commander?? asked Borsock. ?We are to hold off the Lynianans as long as possible...?
  2. Jedi_Drew Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 14, 2004
    star 2
    It is good so far, but thats my opinion, i'm also a story writer I have been working on a bok and i only have 7 pages but it is good or so I have been told by all those who read it which is about one fourth of the seventh grade.
  3. Darth_JDD Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 27, 2005
    star 2
    =D= Admiral_chiss I'm making my own book called the grand line and i've type more than you but that's still a great story you made.=D=
  4. Darth-Inferno Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 14, 2005
    star 3
    "The Grand Line" sounds like a spoof of "One Piece."

    It's an alright story, but you need more description of the scenes and the name of the race needs to be stated unless you say something to the effect of "unknown race."
  5. Darth_JDD Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 27, 2005
    star 2
    ya but it talkes like a life of a pirate.And it has my pirate name for the captain.
  6. Xanatos90 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 25, 2003
    star 4
    One Piece is about pirates.
  7. Admiral_Chiss Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2005
    star 2
    Thanks guys here is my ending but I'm still considering adding more to the plot.I'm also starting on a western story (Louis La'mour kind of style) nvolving an innocent man being chased by a Texas (Arizona?)Ranger. I'll post it later.


    Chapter Two


    ?Sir,? addressed a Lynianan crewmember ?our long scanners are picking up multiple jumps away from the side of the moon.? ?What about the ships in orbit, have they moved yet?? asked Admiral Ne?Dolo.
    ?No sir, they have stayed where they are for the moment.?
    ?Give me a channel to lead dreadnaught? commanded the Admiral. ?
    ?This is Admiral Ne?Dolo of the main Lynianan battlegroup surrender now or be de..?
    Before he could finish his sentence he was answered by a full salvo of by the dreadnaughts.
    ?Very well alert all ships to prepare for battle.?

    ?Brace for impact? screamed Borsock over the alert klaxons as multiple missiles hit the ship.?
    ?All starboard batteries, fire on my mark? shouted Karr. After a few seconds as the Lynianan battlecruisers came into view and they started firing he gave the order. He watched with satisfaction as the bow of a Starcruiser lost shields and shattered into pieces effectively taking the ship and a small support frigate out of commission.
    ?Order the other dreadnaught, the Centennial, to attack the rear missile cluster on that Starcruiser over there and finish off that piece o? crap cruiser over there?

    In a little over two hours it was all over.

    An astounded Admiral Ne?Dolo surveyed his fleet in shock and amazement. More than three quarters of his fleet lay severely damaged venting atmosphere, leaking hyperdrive coolant, and they were all full of injured and dead bodies. His eight brand new Starcruisers had been defeated by three different decades old battleships and a few smaller support ships. They had only lost a few flights of bombers and a single dreadnaught while they had been beaten in oblivion.
    He could not believe his eyes. He would not believe his eyes even though they were telling him he had failed. How could he have misjudged his opponents so badly?
    He had fallen out of his chair from the last blast and was coughing continuously now. The Defense force ships had left his ship utterly devastated with life support now starting to fail. He glanced up at the viewing screen and saw that the vermin were hailing his ships.

    ?Once again this is Commander Karr of the Draxian Defense Force you may surrender now by moving to the coordinates marked on your viewing screen or for the

    heavily damaged vessels simply reply to our message or you will perish.?

    At first not a single ship moved or replied to his message but as the message continued over and over again many ships slowly moved to the marked coordinates or replied.

    Some of the straggling Lynianan ships still armed with a few weapons fired and the other traitorous Lynianan ships fired back volley after volley. This continued on, coupled with the Defense force?s help, for a few more minutes until only the traitorous ships remained.

    Ironically minutes after the surrender was made official the relief force arrived from distant Perinia to help fight what was left off the Lynianan force. They were amazed to find much of the Defense force intact as the Lynianan force lay crippled. Making sure it the chilling scene was not just a trick the commander of the relief force hailed the Cosmic Fury. He saw a tired but relieved man standing on the bridge with an amused look on his face.
  8. Darth-Inferno Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 14, 2005
    star 3
    I don't even think this thing's long enough to be considered a short story...
  9. WedgeAntilles1 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2002
    star 4
    yeah it is..and its very good too. I did write a story that all my friends said was awesome, but now it was lost when my harddrive crashed last time. :_| I might try to duplicat, because it actaully was really good.

    As for yours chiss, I am really enjoying this, and I can't wait for the next update.
  10. Admiral_Chiss Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2005
    star 2
    Techically it is a "short" story right now but I plan to revise, edit, and add on too it in the future. Also I have part of the western done but for some reason it will not post...
  11. Admiral_Chiss Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2005
    star 2
    All right guys this is my western and I think its better than my other story. My other story is kinda on the backburner but I'm still working on it. This one though is pretty long right now but I'm gonna add on to it some more and finish it




    James Hulligan was a wanted man. He had been on the run for weeks now staying in, old run down hotels, tents, and caves with other criminals like himself. He was being hunted by a Texas Ranger out of Dallas for murder, a crime he had never committed. He had left a good home and ranch in a small town called Katie, just a little west of Houston, Texas. He had kept his head down on his way south of the border, and had only gone into towns only when he absolutely needed supplies.
    Now was one of those times after he had spent a week hiding in the brush with a bunch of outlaws. He was riding into a town a few hundred miles away from El Paso heading to Mexico.

    It was about sundown when he rode into the town of Little Valley. As he made his way into the small town a young Mexican boy approached him.

    ?Take your horse Senor? I have a stable near the saloon. I?ll feed him and wash him cheap? said the boy persuasively with heavily accented English. ?Yea, give him your best and keep him handy for me.? ?Si, Senor? said the boy after gathering his money. The boy took his horse

    He was hungry so he made a trip to the saloon in the center of town. It was a small building with a room above it, probably for guests and the barkeeper. He?d have to check on that later.
    As he walked in conversation dimmed as everyone paused to gaze at him. It looked crowded for just a small out of the way bar. There was a poker game going on in one corner and a few outlaws talking to one another; most of them carried guns and most looked like they knew how to use ?em. There were also a few decent looking folks who looked like they were just passing through , along with a local or two. He ignored them and made his way to the bar and sat down.

    The barkeep walked up and asked his order.

    ?I?ll have your best whiskey and what?s on the pot.?
    ?Right.? said the Barkeep as he made his drink.
    ?Hey? spoke Hulligan in a hushed voice? is the room upstairs open for the night??
    ?Yea, but it I?ll cost ya.? said the barkeeper and then he named his sum.
    Hulligan whistled low as he reached into his pocket and didn?t see half of that total.
    ?That?s a mighty large figure there. Are you sure you can?t lower it.? Asked Hulligan in desperation, he did not want to sleep with his horse again tonight.
    ?That?s the price for criminals and trouble makers.? said the Barkeep
    ?What makes you think I?m a criminal?? asked Hulligan
    ?One, when you walked in you examined everyone and looked to see if you recognized anyone. Two, you spoke in a hushed voice. Three, you just don?t look like your average cowhand.
    ?All I want is to sleep on a mattress tonight. I swear I won?t give you any trouble?

    He named a sum considerably lower nicely fitting into his little budget, but leaving it significantly drained. All of a sudden that poker game was looking good.



    The name of the game was five card stud. He had been leading up to this hand gaining small pots and choosing not to win the larger ones. This was his chance to up his already considerable sum of money and pull out of the game. He was playing against a large man easily over 300 pounds, six two or three, and against two other men of average size and weight.
    All were packing, as was he, so he made it a point of trying to keep them calm. He realized the Fat Man had a temper but as long as he kept winning he was alright to deal with. His only real opponent was the Fat Man after the other players had lost most of their money. It was the Fat Man?s deal. As the cards were being dealt Hulligan watched the other players? reactions to their cards. After watching them he coolly scanned his cards.
    He held a pair of nines, a pair of queens and an ace high card.

    He traded in his ace and received another queen!

    He now hel
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