Saga Sibling Revelry (Pre-ROTJ, Vader discovers Luke and Leia are twins; humor short story) CH 8 UP

Premise: Some time after Bespin and before Endor, Vader discovers that Luke and Leia are twins. But what really shocks him is the latest Imperial Intelligence report on the nature of the relationship between Skywalker and Organa?

A/N: Believe it or not, this baby is actually finished and polished up nice and shiny. There will be eight chapters, of which this is the shortest. A great many thanks are due to my longsuffering beta, Mathematica, who assisted me in kicking my plot into shape, provided lots of inspiration and ideas, and left me with no excuses for anything that may still be shoddy. I hope you all enjoy. ;P Without further ado?

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SIBLING REVELRY

Chapter One

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The bridge of the Executor was the most exemplary achievement of efficiency to be found in the whole Empire. The Senate had been a quagmire at best, the Imperial Court was a sluggish morass, the bureaucracy was procrastination incarnated, and the planetary governors couldn?t shoot a Rebel with a holocam?but the Executor was the personal territory of Darth Vader. He who did not pull his own weight could expect it to be pulled for him?out the hatch by the boot heels. Around the Sith Lord, ?dead weight? was no metaphorical term.

Few things could inspire a man like the threat of expiring, should he prove himself less than wholly dedicated to the expeditious performance of his duty. Caf breaks and ?fresher runs did not exist aboard the Executor. If you wanted to live to see your next assignment, you worked attentively at your console through the last second of your shift. If you were out of work, you invented more work. And if you were a junior information systems officer who only got new updates to process once every two hours?like Ensign Kyler Mespa?you invented most of your work. After all, plugging data into the ship?s information banks didn?t take terribly long. Most of the time Ensign Mespa just sat at his console and read the intelligence files. At least that way, he felt that he was doing something educational, and every now and then he would discover a helpful fact about an elusive Rebel hidden someplace nobody would have thought to look, like a news article about a Corellian nightclub singing contest or something.

Today?the lunchtime scuttlebutt asserted that Vader had killed another of his agents for returning to the Executor empty-handed?Mespa found himself searching through the data banks for any and all mention of one Skywalker, Luke. He reasoned that he ought to know something about the Rebel whom his commanding officer was so obsessively hunting, even if Imperial Intelligence?s dossier on Skywalker was classified. After all, it wasn?t like he was hacking into the classified files in order to sell the Rebels information, was it?

He was shocked to find that Imperial Intelligence knew practically nothing about the man who?d blown up the Death Star. They didn?t know his date of birth. They didn?t know where he had been born. They didn?t know who his parents were. They didn?t know if he had any siblings or other relatives.

They did have his genetic data.

Mespa sat back in his chair. He really shouldn?t. This was plainly Intel?s responsibility?and it was probably illegal to copy information from the data bank for his own use?especially classified information?

But the data was right there. And just last week his cousin Vern the spice dealer had sent him that brand-new University of Coruscant biometric program, capable of analyzing a genetic sample and uncovering possible relationships with any other being in the galactic registry. He?d discovered several relatives of his own that he?d never known existed. Okay, so maybe he?d have lived a happier life not knowing about dear old Cousin-on-his-mother?s-side?s-great-uncle-twice-removed Bartemius Kilroy, presently serving sixteen consecutive life sentences on Naboo for murder and grand theft (plus an extra five weeks for public urination), but that wasn?t the point.

Oh, what the nine hells.

Careful

 

Hilarious!

Bravo frodogenic1. What a great premise. And as an added bonus, it takes place between ESB and ROJ... a most interesting time period.

Well written chapter... hooked me immediately.

If you have a pm list, please add me.

Thanks so much for sharing this.

 

I like this. I don't understand why so many people are disgusted at the kiss in Empire. They didn't know about each other, one was a man, the other, a woman. Men and women kiss, it happens.

Personally, I feel that Luke and Leia did "get it on" a few times, which is hot in my mind.

Darth-Semians

 

Oh my God, this concept is hilarious. I like the approach of a humor angle. It gives you a lot of leeway in characterization and storytelling. This proves to be most promising! Count me in.

 

This is great! Who cares about corruption of the Dark Side - Vader has to stop his children from mating! Looking forward to the continuation.

 

A/N: Thanks for the kind reception! As this story will be pretty quickly posted and there's only 8 chapters, I'm not going to keep a PM list going. This story shouldn't be far from the top of the boards until it's done, so never fear.

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Chapter 2
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Life on Home One was weird and wild no matter where your berth on the ship might happen to be, but everyone agreed that the pilots? barracks had attained a special level of insanity. Luke Skywalker had learned to live with it, as evidenced by the fact that he was currently studying astrophysics on his bunk, serenely undisturbed by the sounds of the vicious pillow-and-sock fight taking place in the corridor just outside. Whenever a new sock came sailing through the door, he would retrieve the offending article of clothing, identify it as either Hobbie?s, Wes?, Wedge?s, or Tycho?s depending on smell, and deposit it in the appropriate pile, all without shifting his eyes from the textbook on his datapad. Whereas his squadron-mates preferred to spend their free time blowing off steam as rambunctiously as possible, Luke had spent his last three years of spare time attempting to catch up on university education or Jedi training. Consequently, he had learned to ignore even the most bizarre interruptions. Flying socks didn?t come close, not after that incident with the nest of crystal snakes from Yavin 4 and a few stolen bikini thongs.

A series of shouts and profuse swearing was heard from without before Wedge ducked beneath a barrage of pillows into Luke?s cabin. ?Fracking idiots,? he muttered, plucking a striped purple sock off one ear. ?Message for you, Luke.?

Luke rolled over onto one elbow and took the datapad. ?This better not be about the daily reports,? he announced, tossing his stylus down on the pillow and keying on the datapad.

?If it is,? Wedge growled, ?I?m gonna need permission to kill Janson.?

?Permission denied,? Luke declared, waiting for the device to power up. It was not a terribly new datapad. ?I?m first in that line. You have a sock hanging off your shoulder, by the way.?

Wedge scowled and craned his head around to peel the sock away. ?Krething mess hall, why the nine hells they keep letting those idiots eat triple helpings of dessert beats me?hey! This is my sock!?

?I got a whole pile of yours over there.?

Wedge swore a blue streak and started stuffing the cargo pockets of his jumpsuit with his pile of socks?and then, after a moment?s deliberation, added the other piles as well. ?Shavit if I won?t teach them to raid my sock drawer again!? He balled up several extras in his hands and dashed out of the room. The yells, thunder of feet, and thuds of miscellaneous fabric projectiles retreated down the corridor as the datapad sputtered to life.

Luke typed in his current password and was answered by a message screen. Family Communication Hotline, the decorative logo said. Keeping our heroic freedom fighters connected with their loved ones.

A recorded voice chimed in. ?Hello, Commander Skywalker,? the voice said cheerfully. ?You have received a message via the Alliance Family Communication Hotline, a service of the Alliance Intelligence Branch, designed to provide a secure channel for fugitives from the Empire to connect safely with their loved ones back home.?

Luke stared in bewilderment at the message screen. Of course he knew the Family Communication Hotline existed?several pilots in his squadron got messages via the hotline pretty regularly. But those were the pilots who still had family alive outside the Alliance. Which Luke Skywalker did not.

As the screen blinked forward, a horrible premonition lurched to life in his gut. But no?he laughed?of course this message couldn?t be from him?

The text of the message flowed onto the screen.

Dear Son,

How are you? I trust that you are in one piece--that is, in good health.

You terminated our last conversation rather abruptly, which was unfortunate, because we have a great deal to discuss pertaining to your future. You

 

Another hysterical post!

This is a great read. The letters were awesome. Darth Vader as a hefty Tusken... priceless. And the Toydarian was quite believable. Well done.

Both chapters flowed very smoothly. Your portrayal of Rogue Squadron conjures up images of a college dorm room.

Next chapter should be sweet.

Bravo.

 

This is hilarious!!! From the letters to Luke's reactions and from fighting Rogues to impatent Toydarians! Where did you get this mad idea from!!!??? And your grumpy-Vader is a league of his own! Can't wait for the update!!!

 

Apparently, now that physical mutilation had proven ineffective, Vader had resorted to spamming him to the Dark Side.
Technology is a riot, isn't it?
?Unbelievable, isn?t it?? she hissed. ?The nerve of that jerk. Shavit, when I figure out what scum-sucking son-of-a-Hutt pulled this, I?m going to rip off his?his fracking?? Her voice dissolved into incomprehensible noises of rage as she gesticulated helplessly and finally resorted to mashing a cooked carrot into goo.
Leia certainly has a temper. She reacted more violently than Luke and he knows who it is.

 

Loved that! Glad this is done because I'd have to wait for the next one!

 

Jade_eyes: Well, even I can be consistent once in a blue moon.

RebelMom: I always thought of Leia as a definite Daddy's girl. Then the Jabba strangulation scene came along and clinched it.

kataja: Darn me if I know.

epithree: Well, I did just graduate from college a few months ago. Although I promise my all-girl's dorm was not nearly as insane as these guys, I definitely heard stories. Glad you enjoyed the Toydarian, I kind of like him myself. I might try to recycle him at some point.

 

A/N: Happy Easter!

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CHAPTER THREE

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Imperial Intelligence Agent William Barrows had enjoyed a respectable career for the past twelve years. The reward for his excellent service to the Empire had been an assignment to the Executor, a prize that was (literally) to die for. Miraculously, Agent Barrows still numbered among the living. He had not stayed that way for six interminable months by never failing?on the contrary, Agent Barrows failed regularly. No, Agent Barrows had stayed alive this long by making sure he was never, ever the one who had to deliver bad news to Darth Vader.

Such as this update from one of their spies in the field.

The update didn?t contain any really disastrous tidings?on another day Barrows might have been willing to take the missive to Vader himself?but given the Dark Lord?s foul mood ever since the Executor?s detour to Nar Shaddaa last week, the slightest negative report was almost guaranteed to incite a peremptory execution. There was only one thing a man with a healthy sense of self-preservation could do.

?Ensign Mespa! Deliver this message to Lord Vader.?

The young information systems ensign who had been responsible for starting this whole mess through his inadvertent biological discovery, and who had been on temporary duty with the intelligence section ever since, gave him an imploring look, but Barrows answered with a stern glare. He could not permit himself to feel sorry for the doomed ensign; one of them had to go, and it certainly wasn?t going to be the senior ranking officer. The soon-to-be-late Kyler Mespa dragged himself out of his seat and surveyed the silhouette of the temperamental Sith Lord, prowling back and forth at the opposite end of the bridge. He gulped, and inched forward a couple of steps, before realizing that his route to Vader would take him past the information systems section?where he knew for a fact there were three other ensigns he outranked. And Barrows hadn?t said how he had to get the message to Vader?

I?m saved! he cheered to himself, and marched to the ensigns? workstation. ?Ensign Harl!? he said crisply. ?Deliver this message to Lord Vader!?

Ensign Harl yelped as the message landed in his lap. He juggled it to the man on his left as if the thing singed his fingers. ?Ensign Yarra! Deliver this message to Lord Vader!?

Yarra fumbled it to Ensign Chimmel, who searched around frantically, realized that he was the most junior officer on the bridge, and bleated a pathetic whimper.

?Be quick about it!? Yarra added, hauling the luckless Chimmel out of his seat and forcing him onto the walkway. By now every officer within hearing range was watching, and Chimmel had no choice but to start the death march towards Lord Vader. Two score eyes followed his every shaking step, anticipating a spectacular demise?

The tragedy-in-progress was interrupted when a speeding mouse droid collided with Chimmel?s feet. With inspirational presence of mind, the ensign recovered his balance, pinned the mouse droid beneath a boot, and wedged the datapad in a slot on its back.

?Mouse droid! Deliver this message to Lord Vader!? he squeaked, then scampered back into the info systems pit. Up on the walkway, the mouse droid emitted a terrified squeal and hared off on a frenzied tour of the bridge, colliding with one other mouse droid and several officers, attempting to convince one of them to relieve it of its onerous task. At last its primitive processor managed to hatch a devious scheme. It dashed through the hatchway into the corridors outside the bridge and laid in wait until the unsuspecting Admiral Piett reappeared from his lunch break. Then it lunged forward and bumped into his booted toes.

?Message for me?? the Admiral asked. The droid?s programming did not permit it to lie?so instead of the usual short medium-pitched beep that indicated yes, the cunning little wheeled mailbox made a slightly longer and higher-pitched beep, which was actually binary code for you sucker.

Piett, as intended, did not notice the

 

Love the idea of an underground family connector site and Vader being able to hack into it. The line about death by spam was my favorite. I've had that feeling many a time in the past. Fred Antilles is quite the laugh, too. He's not very smooth or subtle, is he?

And now Vader thinks they are engaged. This can go nowhere good.

 

Chaos in the Imperial commando way! Priceless!! Loved Fred Antlles fumbling and not least the lovely ease between Luke & Leia! But I have to agree with Bri; "spam him to the Dark Side" is my favourite too!

 

This is absolutely, fantastically, completely hilarious! I love it. Haven't laughed this hard in a while... my face hurts from trying not to attract attention in the office.

"Spammed to the Dark Side" is my favourite line too.

Can't wait to see what happens next!

 

This is wonderful and I m enjoying it very much!

 

obsessedwithSW: Glad to hear it.

DarthXan318: I felt rather proud of that line, gotta admit. Here's hoping your cheeks recover quickly.

kataja: There shall be a great deal more of Fumbling Fred in the rest of this story. He's just so easy to pick on.

Bri_Windstar: Well, I definitely did not write this story in order to be nice to Vader...

 

A/N: Welcome to the halfway house of this crazy story. It's all down Sanity Hill from here.

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CHAPTER 4

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?Hey, Fred! Message for you!?

Karlino van Hermahutt, Imperial spy extraordinaire (maybe, anyway, if he could pull this mission out of the trash compactor) leapt up from his analysis workstation with exaggerated excitement. Distributing a few gawky grins at various coworkers, he sank back down into his workstation cubicle and powered up the datapad a flunky had brought him.

Family Communication Hotline! Karlino jabbed the mute button and examined the message in text-only form.

Fred Antilles,

The direness of the situation now calls for drastic action. I suggest sabotage. Failure will be met with the usual consequences.

Sincerely,
Big Brother

Karlino read the message a couple of times, then wiped the datapad?s memory and crammed the device surreptitiously down his workstation trash chute. Then he headed out towards the caf dispenser wearing an enormous grin which, for once, was genuine.

This was going to be fun.

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Luke powered down his datapad with a huge, dramatic sigh and dropped his head into the pillow of his cot. After three hours? straight reading in order to get through a single chapter of Advanced Theory of Astronavigation, it was the easiest thing in the galaxy to ignore the raucous sounds from the corridor outside his room. He wasn?t sure, but he thought Wes and Hobbie had pinned a flimsy of the Emperor?s face to his cabin hatch (complete with judicious modifications in permanent marker) and were using it to play a death match of laser darts. This did not worry Luke in the slightest?quite the opposite, in fact. As long as Wes and Hobbie were busy defacing the Emperor they couldn?t very well be out smearing engine lube on his cockpit chair, or something even worse.

Of course, it was still only a matter of time before?

?AAAAAAAARGH! JANSON YOU FRACKING BALL OF SITHSPIT! I?M GOING TO SPACE YOU IF IT?S THE LAST THING?EEEAAAAAAGGGGHH!!?

Yep, Luke reflected peacefully, all fun and games until Wes decides to throw something at Wedge. He hoped his XO wouldn?t be relegated to the hospital wing again. That would make the third time this year.

His hatch whined open and Wedge stormed through, rubbing furiously at his backside and crushing an unlucky laser dart in one hand. Judging from the neat little scorched hole in the seat of his jumpsuit, Luke reckoned it was only a matter of minutes before one Lieutenant Janson, Wes mysteriously got reassigned to hangar cleanup duty for the next four nights.

?Someone left a message for you at the hangar, Luke,? he growled, chucking a datapad towards the bunk. Luke groaned and re-buried his face in his pillow as the datapad thudded onto his back, gave an odd bounce, and landed on the floor.

?Never fear, Boss!? Wes lurched into view around the frame of entryway. ?Old Wesy boy is here to answer your fan mail!?

Luke lunged out of his bunk, diving for the message, but Wes got there first and scrambled up with the datapad in hand. Wedge seized the excuse to hurl the laser dart at him, landing a wonderfully accurate strike on Wes? posterior. Luke snatched the datapad back and powered it on as, with an impressive string of curses, Wes tackled his XO to the floor. Climbing back onto his bunk so as to avoid the thrashing melee, Luke powered up the message.

Luke,

It won?t work. We?re done. I?m moving on.

Leia

?What the sands?? Luke muttered. ?Wedge, lookit this. Wedge?Janson, shut up and get off my XO!?

The combatants broke apart with many scowls on both sides. ?He started it, sir,? Janson complained.

?Did I or did I not order you to shut up, Janson??

?And here I told that dork from Green Squad you were a nice CO,? Wes pouted. Luke glowered. ?Alright! Shutting up, sir!?

?What is it, Luke?? Wedge took the datapad and skimmed the mysterious message. ?What the hells is that about??

?Dunno. Was she working on some sort of project for

 

There is nothing funnier than classic misinformation. I'm surprised Vader hasn't had a cardiac arrest yet

 

Stomach ... hurts ... from ... laughing ...

 

Another pair of stellar posts! Just caught up.

This tale is both unique and well written.

There's a wonderful attention to detail without being too wordy. Bravo!

 

Just caught this today. Too funny.... Vader was too caught up to realize that kiss for what it was, especially after what he saw in the carbon freezing chamber. It was a ploy to make Han upset and jealous, nothing more. I just love how the whole thing escalated!

Maybe now Fred might have an inkling?

 

I love that the antics of Rogue Squadron are now involved with messing with Karlino. Nothing else would even come close to the kinds of antics they could pull on him. I'd be worried if I were him, especially with his recent message from "Big Brother." Though Leia's request about Han's predicament seems to have given him an idea. This could get very interesting indeed.

 

This is excellent! It's amazing how differently events can be interpreted. I look forward to more of these crazy antics. Bravo!

 

*dies laughing*