Signs your destiny may be controlled by a fanfic author

My new sig quote gave me an idea, and you all know how dangerous a fanfic author with an idea is.

Signs That Your Destiny May Be Controlled By A Fanfic Author:

You have ever been abducted, tortured, murdered, resurrected, and married all within the same week

You have the strangest feeling that you've died like this before

Your romantic "type" seems to be eerily perfect people, who suddenly expire tragically, thus leaving you scarred for life. Then, when you seek therapy to overcome your grief, you fall in love with your eerily perfect therapist, who suddenly expires tragically, thus leaving you scarred for life.

You have ever had the events of an entire day choreographed to fit the lyrics to a song from "The Little Mermaid," and you don't even know what the hell "The Little Mermaid" is.

You have ever met more than one (1) first-order relative you never knew you had--or two first-order relatives, if your last name happens to be "Skywalker." Extra points if said relative happens to be your child . . . and you're female.

Your life has ever been spared by a beta reader. (This doesn't count if you are a fanfic author who happens to go out drinking with your beta reader or something.)

You have ever had a 5,000-word interior monologue in which you explained your complicated backstory--to yourself.

Your new best friend/significant other/romantic rival is a person from another universe. Extra points if said person has antigrav "anatomy," strangely dewy eyes, and blue hair--and nobody around you seems to notice.

You have ever cried all night because your significant other appeared to be ignoring you at a party, and you're 37, and male, and the commander of a crack military squadron, of Imperial soldiers.

One by one, all of your ex-lovers, relatives, and childhood friends turn to the dark side, and nobody starts investigating you or the crappy educational system that trained you. (Oh wait . . . that goes for EU authors, too . . .)

Any others?

 

-- You find out that you have a twin sister/brother you never even heard of.

-- You run in massively well known heroes of the galaxy and they're instantly your best friends.

 

These are more "by Ish"

--You die horribly and graphically and have no idea why.

--You're five years old and your best friend gets murdered for something you said to your Mommy.

--You get your nose broken five times in one fic and still fall in love with your assailant.

--You like Ithorian takeout, even though it seems that everyone else makes fun of you for even liking it.

--You spend more time thinking about what you're wearing than what impact the verdict at your war crimes trial will have on you.

--You have cryptic, rather random dreams every night that turn out to be vitally important to your twin brother's eternal salvation.

 

-you have ever thought, "Gee, my best friend/significant other sure says 'I've got a really bad feeling about this' and awful lot," but you don't say anything about it because you say it too.

-you ever feel like your life story deserves a fully orchestrated soundtrack.

-you use terms like "Sithspawn", "Stang", and "Spast" without ever questioning the origins of the terms.

-you have no name, you wear white body armor, and you have this strange compulsion to fire a blaster at a lightsaber wielding Jedi when you know they're going to deflect it right back at you.

-you ever thought Toenail of Palpatine or Nostril of Thrawn would be a great name for a superweapon.

-you get eight hours of sleep and six hours of bacta treatments every day.

-you've visited more than twelve planets today, all with the same level of gravity.

-someone has to actually tell you to angle your deflector screens when going into battle.

-your best friend either has lots of fur or resembles a trash can.

-somebody describes your hair color as "strawberry blonde", but you don't have a kriffing clue what a strawberry is.

 

LOVE the strawberry-blonde one. Reminds me of luke/obi and ducks in the ANH novelization.

Another contribution:

--Everything important in life happens at the 23rd Hour or Senate Arboretum

 

Oh come on, Ish. That one about getting your nose broken by your future lover sounds hilarious! It reminds me of Kelso from That 70s Show yelling "Ow! My eye!" all the time.

Jae

 

You find yourself stuck in the middle of a space battle for six weeks because somebody is having a really rough exam period.

You have ever secretly been injected with a drug that made you turn to the dark side and try to kill everyone you know, but then everybody was perfectly cool about it when the drug wore off. (Hey, these things happen.)

You have ever fallen in love with someone on the opposite side of the Force, and had everyone be perfectly cool about *that* afterward. ("Hmm, swirling black cape, red lightsaber, and shooting Force lightning . . . ah yes, you're sitting on the groom's side of the aisle.")

You have ever been forced to fit into an alien culture whose entire system of practices and beliefs seems designed specifically to make you sleep with one particular person. Extra points if you can't stand them "before," but fall in love with them "after." Extra *extra* points if that leads to an "all Sith seated on the groom's side" situation as described above.

 

Your former boyfriend just showed up, disturbed your marriage, insisted that your child is the result of a night of passion, and mentally scarred your kid by demanding paternity tests. After this, you left your husband for him, even though the kid wasn't your ex's, because you've suddenly realized you never got over him (the boyfriend).

 

- It takes a full year for you to live out a single day

- You find yourself quoting yourself endlessly

- You rush into marriage so you can get to being cutesey and making babies

- Even though you've done so seven times already

- With different guys

- Who seem to be cool with your past spouses and children

- Especially since both are conspicuously missing from your life

 

You are ruthlessly killed off merely to provide entertainment or shock value to readers.

You have a tendency to come back from the dead, in one form or another.

 

You spend two-thirds of your life sobbing on your friends' shoulders, but no one questions your emotional or mental stablity.

 

LOL at VaderLVR64! I was just going to write:

You have ever had a significant other die, and then slowly start getting on with your life, only to have said significant other show up at your wedding to his/her equally grief-stricken best friend, because death is apparently like cold sores and door-to-door pamphlet solicitors: wait long enough and it will go away.

You have precisely one more midi-chlorian than Anakin Skywalker.

One of your parents is an extremely famous war hero, only they don't know about you, because their work is so dangerous that you'd be killed if anyone (including them) ever found out about you. Extra points if you were hidden in childhood as a slave among space pirates.

You spent your childhood among space pirates for pretty much any reason.

You were Force-sensitive all your life but didn't know it (perhaps because you'd been hidden among space pirates to avoid having your own parents know about you), until the day when you showed up out of nowhere and saved everything. (Ignore this if your last name is "Skywalker." In that case you're perfectly canon.)

Edit: Stupid hobbitses doesn't know about subject/verb agreement, does they, my precioussss . . .

 

-You don't know what a boyband is, but go through life with their songs randomly playing softly in the background.

-you wind up getting transported, not only to another galaxy, but to a location in close proximity to a dashing hero who falls madly in love with you.

-you have no fear of death, becuase whenever anything bad happens, deus ex machina will save you.

-your eyes are 'deep pools,' 'stormy depths,' or in any other way always described with multiple adjectives or similies/metaphors.

-your haircolor and appearance change slightly at random with no explanation (silly cover artists!)

-You get away with smartmouthing the greatest and most powerful beings in the galaxy.

-several times.

-even if they generally kill underlings for blinking.

-you are the product of an extremely improbable relationship between the cosmic force of the universe and just about anyone, or one or more extremely famous or powerful people.

-you have really weird hobbies that for some reason always come in handy in life-or-death situations. ("that's not impossible! I hit womp rats that size all the time!")

 

You have a weakness for men with supernatural powers and bad tempers and yet not once does your mother tell you that you can't see him anymore.

You have a tendency to lose body parts, but luckily very nice replacements are always handy and available.

You have kissed close relatives without knowing it and then when you discovered their identity, neither one of you wiped your mouth and said YUCK.

You never fight over money with your spouse, because you all seem to have unknown, but reliable, ways of replenishing the coffers.

There are lots of passionate love scenes, but oddly enough no children born outside of marriage.

No one in the entire freaking galaxy knows the identity of your mother. No one. Ever.

 

You have kissed close relatives without knowing it and then when you discovered their identity, neither one of you wiped your mouth and said YUCK.

Kind of makes you wonder about Leia's "I know. Somehow, I've always known." comment, doesn't it?

 

- You sleep for over two months just because the crafter of your fate has written you into a corner.

- You find yourself "introspecting" for days, weeks, years, with never a clue as to where you've come from or where you've been.

- Your name always ends with a vowel, usually é.

- Your name is either entirely unpronounceable due to a plethora of accents or sounds suspiciously like the name of someone from your author's world. (Jessyca, Brittne, Arica)

- Your "flaming red locks" never get dirty, sweaty, or tangled. Even after you've been through three battles, a rape, and an attempted suicide, still they gleam on, like the rays of the sun.

- You suddenly decide to have a wild orgy of sex and drink, even though you have up to this very moment been a fine, upstanding, revered Jedi Master.

- People have this issue with your purple lightsaber, but you have no clue why.

- Your lightsaber is bubblegum pink, and you don't know what bubblegum is.

- Though you travel to hundreds of worlds in the course of an afternoon, you are fluent in every single language.

- You are a passionate, breathtaking, gasp-inducing lover, even though you've spent your entire life in the tutelage of a grizzled Sith lord, or you are shy and blushing when your one true love attempts to kiss you, even though you've spent the past few years working as a pleasure-giver.


This is really good, because even though it's hilarious, it points out a few problems that can crop up in fanfic. Awesome idea, Ophelia.



For freedom. For justice. Viva la Rebellion.

 

- You have been tortured, killed, blinded, or diseased more often than you've been hugged or kissed. Extra points if your last name is Kenobi.

- You visit the Healer's Wing so often the Chief Healer always has a room reserved for you when you come back from missions.

- Even though the Jedi have a rule against attachments you manage to find a way around it and marry a Jedi ...

 

Everyone related to you has some form of rank in front of their name- Commander, General, Master, Colonel, Lt, Captain, Grand Poo-Bah, etc.

You carry a blaster everywhere and not once does someone get suspicious.

 

-you're allowed to leave your religious order and carreer in a huge huff, and then come and pick them up again six months later with all unpleasantries forgiven (after all, you're important to the plot).

 

- You have uncanny luck at playing sabacc, even though you've never played before.


- No matter how crowded the room is, the most beautiful man/woman there only seems to want to flirt with you.


- Nobody ever challenges your claim to be the third-best pilot in the galaxy.


- Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse - things get worse.


- Just when you thought things couldn't get any better - things get worse.

 

These are all really hilarious! I have one, and I hope it hasn't been done...

-You only realize your "true feelings" for the love of your life after they are deathly ill, or mortally wounded. After undergoing a complete personality change and spending every night crying at their bedside, they suddenly recover, tell you they return your feelings and claim that you'll be together for ever! Or at least until someone disovers a better 'ship for them....

... and I only know that one because I wrote it!

 

The breaking noses thing was inspired by me abusing Han in Close Quarters so much that I had an argument going on between readers on whether or not I was putting h/l in an abusive relationship. I myself have had my toes broken and my wrist badly sprained by the guy I married.

 

-- Your last name is Solo, Skywalker, or Organa.
-- You find out you're the long lost love child of any two major characters.
-- You're continually having your swordhand chopped off in duels and replaced with a cybernetic limb.

 

- You fight like an expert with any weapon or even hand-to-hand the first time you pick it up, even though you've had no training with it whatsoever.

 

LOL, that gives me wicked ideas Ish. I love being evil, and I love it when my stories just happen to follow the same storylines as popular sitcoms. It shows I'm getting it right if I see something on a funny TV program and I go "Hey, I wrote that!" I was elated the first time I realized that my two OC mains resembled Fry and Leela from Futurama.

Jae