Silly question, but would anyone be interested if I posted a rewrite of The Phantom Menace on here?

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Oakessteve, May 1, 2001.

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  1. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Are rewrites the done thing on here? Would anybody be interested in reading it, and giving me a quick opinion? Thanks for your time, by the way!
  2. Obi-Zahn Kenobi Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 1999
    star 7
    "You mean you can control it's actions?" Post it, I'll read it.
  3. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Cheers, mate! I'll just go and get the opening bit...
  4. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, I did warn you. Here's the first part. I wrote it as a script, partly because on the college course I'm on at the moment we have to learn about the codes and conventions of script writing, and I decided to have a go and rewriting a well known script, just to see the rhythm and the pace of script, and also to have a go at doing my own version of Episode I. Hope you lot enjoy it, and there's more to come if you like it....even if you don't. Alright, here we go, and please forgive the spelling mistakes :-

    Star Wars
    Episode I
    The Phantom Menace

    Turmoil has engulfed the once peaceful Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to the outlying star systems is in dispute.

    Hoping to solve the matter with a blockade of deadly starships, the greedy Trade Federation have stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

    While of the Congress of the Republic endlessly debate this alarming chain of events, Supreme Chancellor Valorum has secretly dispatched the venerable Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, and his young apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi, to settle the conflict....

    INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

    In the cockpit of the cruiser, THE CAPTAIN, and PILOT move closer to the larger of the seven DROID CONTROL SHIPS.

    Qui-Gon: (off screen) Captain.

    THE CAPTAIN turns to face the unseen figure standing behind her.

    Captain: Sir?

    Qui-Gon: Tell them we wish to board at once.

    Captain: Yes, sir.

    THE CAPTAIN looks up at the view-screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a thin bald human, who is the head of the TRADE FEDERATION, waits.

    Captain: With all due respect, sir, the ambassadors for Chancellor Valorum wish to board immediately.

    Nute: Of course. Our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be delighted to receive the ambassadors.

    The screen flickers blank. Out of the cockpit window, the sinister battle-ship looms ever closer.

    EXT. FEDERATION BATTLE-SHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE.

    The small shuttle docks in the main-bay of the Federation cruiser. A silver protocol droid watches as two dark robed figures walk down the ramp of the shuttle. The droid leads them through the main doors, and into the Conference Room.

    Protocol droid: I am C3-PO. My masters are greatly honoured by your visit. My masters will be here shortly.

    Qui-Gon: How long will the viceroy be?

    Protocol droid: He will be with you shortly. There are some trivial matters he must take care of first. Please make yourselves comfortable.

    The protocol droid departs. The two JEDI lower their hoods. QUI-GON JINN is tall, about forty years old and his hair in a long ponytail. OBI-WAN KENOBI is twenty-five years old, and has his hair in a short ponytail, traditional of a JEDI PADAWAN. Several exotic birds are in a cage close to a window, where the lush planet of NABOO can be seen.

    Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this. Why wasn't the Trade Federation Viceroy here to meet us? Why send the droid?

    Qui-Gon: It is a formality.

    Obi-Wan: This is hardly a formal situation, master. I would have preferred it if even the ambassador of Naboo had been informed of our mission.

    Obi-Wan pokes his finger into the birdcage. One of the birds' nips at it. Obi-Wan quickly removes his finger.

    Qui-Gon: Try not to centre on your anxieties, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.

    Obi-Wan: But Master Yoda always said that I should be mindful of the future.

    Qui-Gon: But not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my Padawan.

    Obi-Wan: Of course, master. How long do you think these negotiations will last for?

    Qui-Gon: Why, do you have something better to do with your time?

    Obi-Wan looks glum. Qui-Gon gives the younger man a slight smile.

    Qui-Gon: (cont'd) These Federation types are a cowardly lot. The negotiations shall be short.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

    Nute Gunray, and Daultray Dofine, a Nemodian, stand gazing at the planet Naboo, which can be seen from the view-screen. The bridge is made of a mixture of Human, Nemodians, and droids. C3
  5. Obi-Zahn Kenobi Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 1999
    star 7
  6. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Thanks. Well, here's the next bit, and please ignore the spelling mitakes:-

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

    Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon sit at the long table in the centre of the room.

    Obi-Wan: Is it in their nature for them to make us wait this long?

    C3-PO enters with a tray of drinks. He offers first to Obi-Wan, who reaches out to take a cup, but is given a stern look from Qui-Gon. The older Jedi waves away the droid's offer of a drink.

    Qui-Gon: No, but I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute.

    Obi-Wan: Fear for the Jedi? Ha! That proves this whole affair is illegal.

    Qui-Gon: I feel it is something deeper than that...

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

    Nute Gunray, Daultay Dofine, and Rune Haako stand before the hologram of Darth Sidious, whose face is hidden by a robe. Both Dofine and Haako look terrified, but Nute seems calm.

    Dofine: This scheme of yours is finished, Sidious. The blockade is over. We dare not make a move against the Jedi.

    Darth Sidious: (raising his hand slightly) I would chose my words more carefully, Dofine.

    Dofine seems to be in great pain. Sidious lowers his hand, and Dofine falls to the floor.

    Darth Sidious: (cont'd) Viceroy, I don't want this pathetic life form in my sight again.

    Dofine gets to his feet, and quickly exits the bridge.

    Darth Sidious: (cont'd) So, Valorum isn't as spineless as I thought. This turn of events is unfortunate. We may have to accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops.

    Nute: My lord, is that legal?

    Darth Sidious: I will make it legal.

    A slight smile forms around Nute's lips. This is the order he has been waiting for.

    Nute: And the Jedi?

    Darth Sidious: The Supreme Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Get rid off them, Viceroy. Kill them immediately.

    Nute: At once, my lord.

    Sidious's hologram flickers away.

    Nute: (to Rune) Mobilise the troops.

    Rune: And our unwelcome guests?

    Nute: Ah yes...well, like any pest, they should be gassed out.

    Rune: Yes, Viceroy.

    Rune turns away, to carry out his orders.

    Nute: (quietly) It would have been such a dull meeting, anyway.



  7. Obi-Zahn Kenobi Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 1999
    star 7
    The only word misspelled was center, meaning your british and it wasn't misspelled.
  8. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, even genius makes mistakes occasionally. Apart from me, of course. Anyway, here's the next part. Hope you lot enjoy it:-

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

    Out of a ventilation shaft, a thick green gas begins to slowly pour into the room. Obi-Wan coughs slightly, and turns. The exotic birds in the cage start to sing more urgently, as if in warning.

    Obi-Wan: Gas!

    Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan jump from their seats, lightsabers activated.

    Qui-Gon: Dixois. Hold your breath.

    Obi-Wan obeys, and quickly follows Qui-Gon over to the door.

    Qui-Gon: Locked!

    Obi-Wan: We can't last forever!

    C-3PO steps forward.

    Protocol droid: Excuse me, sirs, but I have the necessary access codes to...

    Qui-Gon: (cutting the droid off) Well get on with it then!

    C-3PO quickly walks towards the door control. The exotic birds in the cage drop dead.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

    A hologram of Nute Gunray appears, and the battledroids outside the door stand to attention.

    Nute: They must be dead by now. Dispose of the evidence!

    The hologram fades away. A battle droid reaches for the door control, but before it can activate it, the doors open. All the droids quickly raise their weapons. Out of the thick smoke comes C-3PO.

    Protocol droid: Excuse me! So sorry....

    C-3PO makes it's way passed the group of battle droids.

    OWO-1: (to battle droids) Check it, Corporal will cover you.

    OWO-2: Roger, roger.

    Suddenly there is a flash of blue light, and OWO-2 is reduced to a pile of spare parts.

    OWO-1: Oho...

    Qui-Gon races out of the Conference room, followed by Obi-Wan, lightsabers activated. Qui-Gon fights in a reserved, calculated way. Obi-Wan fights in an aggressive, casual, almost cocky-way. The battle droids make a pathetic attempt to defend themselves, but are cut down.

    Protocol droid: This way to the bridge!

    C-3PO leads the Jedi, as their cut down any battle droids that gets in their way.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE.

    A holographic scene showing the battle outside suddenly flickers static.

    Tey How: We've lost transmission, sir!

    Rune: (to Nute) Have you ever encountered irritated Jedi before, sir?

    Nute: I will not let some followers of an ancient religion make a fool of me! (ordering the crew of the bridge) Seal of the bridge! Get a squadron of droidekas up here at once!

    The doors slam shut, just as the Jedi get there.

    Rune: That won't be enough, sir.

    Nute: (to Rune) Silence! Or I shall push you out there with them!

    Rune shuts up.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIDGE

    C-3PO, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon run towards the main doors, but they slam shut.

    Obi-Wan: Now that's not terribly welcoming.

    Protocol droid: They have blocked my access to the bridge.

    A blast comes from behind, narrowly missing Obi-Wan. He spins around, deflecting the bolts.

    Qui-Gon: Cover me, I'll get these doors open.

    Qui-Gon plunges his lightsaber into the main doors. Obi-Wan stands defensively behind him, deflecting any blaster bolts, and destroy the few remaining battle droids.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

    Nute watches as a hole begins to form in the main doors.

    Nute: Close the blast doors!

    A second pair of much thicker doors slam shut.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM.

    Qui-Gon stops for a second, sensing the second doors.

    Qui-Gon: (to himself) Clever, clever.

    Qui-Gon plunges his lightsaber in deeper and the metal begins to burn away.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

    The blast doors begin to melt away

    Nute: Where are those droidekas?

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIDGE

    Qui-Gon is still busy as the doors, while Obi-Wan is slicing another droid in half. He appears to be enjoying himself.

    Obi-Wan: Off hand, I'd say this mission is past the negation stage.

    He slices another battle droid in half. From around the corner, two destroyer droids roll towards the Jedi. They stop, and switch to battl
  9. greencat336 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 27, 2001
    star 5

    You've written some witty lines. I assume that as you get further into the story it will depart more from the original? (by the way, Alternate Universe stories are always fun to read. "What Ifs" are great for the imagination)
  10. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    This is really cool! I like that you put in that 'past the negotion stage' line! I can't beleive they're dragging 3-PO along! :)

    Obi-Wan: Now that's not terribly welcoming.
    That line was funny!

    Oh, by the way, when you get to Qui-Gon dying (unless you change that too :) ) do you think you could add some more dialog between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon? I was always dissapointed that all Qui could talk about was Anikan, and Obi-Wan had been practically his son all those years. I wanted to see him say at least *something* to Obi!

    This is sooooooo cool! Looking forward to more!
  11. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, I have. It's going to reflect Anakin's last line to Luke in Return of the Jedi. This first part is really just like the original, but things start to change when they reach Tatooine, and I've put in a sub-plot between Obi-Wan and Panaka, tried to make Jar Jar a slightly more 'dodgy' character, and have the Trade Federation evil, rather than misguided. Anyway, thanks for your comments! Here's the next bit, and I hope you enjoy it:-

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

    Nute is staring intently at Naboo from the view-screen. Rune walks towards him, with a concerned look on his face.

    Nute: (turning to Rune) Well?

    Rune: There?s no trace of them yet, sir.

    Nute glares at Rune, making Rune flinch.

    Tey How: Sir, the Republic shuttle requests an up-date on the conference with the ambassadors.

    Nute: Destroy the ship!

    Rune: Sir that could be considered an act of war....

    Nute: (cuts Rune off) It will be too late for the Senate to act. Destroy it!

    Tey How: Yes, sir!

    INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT

    The Captain is attempting to contact the Federation, while the Pilot looks faintly bored. He looks up, and sees a gun turret swing directly towards them.

    Pilot: Captain, look!

    Captain: No...they wouldn?t....

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY

    The gun turret fires and the Republic shuttle erupts into flames.

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-SMALL CATWALK ABOVE DOCKING BAY

    Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan watch in horror as the Republic cruiser explodes.

    Obi-Wan: (shocked) No! They...they destroyed it. There were innocent people onboard. People who were of no threat to the Federation. And they murdered them. They massacred them!

    Obi-Wan reaches for his lightsaber, his face full of aggression, and anger. Qui-Gon grabs Obi-Wan, putting his hands on the younger man?s shoulders

    Qui-Gon: You must remain calm, Obi-Wan.

    Obi-Wan: But we must avenge their deaths!

    Qui-Gon: Vengeance leads to the Dark Side. If you destroy the Federation, you will have glorified all that they have fought and suffered for. Calm...be passive.

    Obi-Wan closes his eyes, breathing deeply. He opens them, looking calmer.

    Obi-Wan: Sorry, master...sorry.

    Qui-Gon: You must remain calm at all times, young Padawan. Only when you are at peace can you think clearly.

    Obi-Wan: Yes, master.

    Qui-Gon stares down at the Bay below. Thousands battle-droids are marching on board large landing-craft.

    Qui-Gon: (thoughtfully) Where are those landing ships headed?

    Protocol droid: I believe the Federation is preparing an invasion of Naboo.

    Obi-Wan: We?ve got to warn the Naboo.

    Qui-Gon: And contact Chancellor Valorum. We?ll have to hitch a lift on one of those landing craft.

    Obi-Wan: Well, it is only fair, after the treatment we?ve had so far.

    Qui-Gon: Let?s get down there, then!

    Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and C3PO make their way further down the catwalk.


  12. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    That was quite a long post, wasn't it?
  13. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    I liked it! Actually, this my sound strange, but I appreciate the part were Obi looses a little sence of control. 'Cause later Qui-Gon says that Obi-Wan is reckless, and you really don't see any results of that until the very end were Qui dies. Great job Oakessteve! Keep it up!
  14. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, I'm glad you liked that bit. I added that because one of the first things that struck be about The Phantom Menace was that Qui-Gon really doesn't teach Obi-Wan that much, so I wanted to redress the balance a bit. Anyway, here's the next part, and I hope you like it!

    INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

    Nute is pacing up and down the bridge, his hands behind his back.

    Tey How: Sir, a transmission from the planet.

    Nute: Put it through the main-screen.

    Tey How: Yes, sir!

    A large hologram of Queen Amidala, a girl of about fourteen years appears in the centre of the room. She wears an elaborate headdress, and robes. Her face is passive, almost emotionless.

    Nute: Ah, Queen Amidala. What an unexpected pleasure.

    Amidala: Enough of this pretence, Viceroy! I wish to speak to the ambassadors.

    Nute looks blankly at the screen, and turns to Rune, who shrugs.

    Nute: Ambassadors? We have no ambassadors here.

    Amidala: Supreme Chancellor Valorum informed me that he sent two ambassadors to force you to reach a settlement.

    Nute: Valorum makes many promises. He rarely keeps them. You should know that by now. And even if he did send ambassadors, I am confident they would support us and advice you to sign the treaty. It would, after all, avoid a lot of unpleasantness.

    Amidala: You will not succeed, Viceroy. Right is on our side.

    Nute smiles.

    Nute: The Senate is on our side, your Highness.

    Amidala looks almost upset. but she quickly regains her composure.

    Amidala: We will see. You have gone to far this time, Viceroy.

    The hologram fades away. Nute turns to Tey How.

    Nute: I want all communications from and to the planet to be jammed.

    Rune: What if she?s right, sir? Are you sure the Senate will...

    Nute: (cutting him off) How spineless you are, Rune. We have the backing of a Sith Lord. We shall win. (to Tey How) Are the troops ready for the invasion?

    Tey How: Yes, sir!

    Nute: Commence the attack!

    INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM

    The QUEEN, her Governor, SIO BIBBLE, several handmaidens, and other Naboo officials are sitting at a large, round table. At the centre of the table, there is a small hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly man.

    PALPATINE: The Chancellor promised me that he would send those ambassadors straight away. They must have been delayed on their journey. Your Highness, you must be ready to.....negotiate....without the ambassadors. You must keep me informed.....

    The hologram of PALPATINE fades away.

    AMIDALA: Senator Palpatine? (turns to Panaka, a worried look on her face) What?s happening?

    CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to his SERGEANT.

    PANAKA: Check the transmission generators.

    His SERGEANT looks at a small hand-held computer.

    SERGEANT: They are still functioning, sir.

    PANAKA: The Trade Federation must be blocking all our communications..

    The Naboo Council are shocked. BIBBLE leans towards AMIDALA.

    BIBBLE: That is an act of war, your Highness. They are probably preparing an invasion party even as we speak. We must move against them now, before it is too late!

    PANAKA: With all due respect, Governor, our army can?t hold out against the Trade Federation. We?ll need the support of the Republic.

    BIBBLE: The Republic? By the time the Republic moves to act we will already be under their control, slaving for the greater glory of the Federation. We must act now.

    AMIDALA: I will not have my people die because of an error of judgement on the part of myself, or of this entire council. We must rely on negotiations.

    BIBBLE: Negotiations? Your Highness, you heard what the Viceroy said. Knowing the Federation they have probably brought every Senator in the galactic core. We must do something now. If we move against the Federation now, several over the systems will move to support us. Senator Palpatine will see to that.

    AMIDALA: I will not condone a cause of action that could lead us to war.


  15. Ewan-Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 21, 2000
    star 6
  16. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Cheers, Ewan Kenobi. It's nice to get a compliment from a gusher....
  17. AngelQueen Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2001
    star 4
    This is great Oakessteve!!! I am really enjoying this! I love to see the differences that we see in some of the characters! This is totally great! Keep going!

    AngelQueen
  18. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    GREAT POST OAKS! I liked that you still put the "I will not condone a corse of action that will lead us to war." Line, I like that one. Oh, and for the record you are doing a fine job of making Nute more evil then a simple driviling idiot! Cheers!
  19. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Thank you everybody! There should be more to come in a bit...
  20. Obi-Dawn Kenobi Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jan 27, 2000
    star 4
    Ok! Very well done so far!
    I always liked how spineless the Nemoidians are, but I admit I like this edgier side to them that you are protraying. I also like the increase in dialogue between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan.
    The birds were a nice touch too. You exhibit good descriptive talents. :)
  21. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, thank you very much! I hope I can keep this up...anyway, here's the next part:-

    EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT-TWILIGHT

    Several landing craft fly in formation towards the surface of Naboo.

    EXT. NABOO SWAMP-SHALLOW LAKE-TWILIGHT

    Three landing craft slowly descend through the clouds, blasting an area of the dense forest to land in. One landing craft hovers above a the lake, and out of the small door two figures drop out, landing in the water with a heavy splash. OBI-WAN?s head emerges, supporting C3PO?s as he swims towards the shore. The landing craft above them flies of into the distance, obviously deciding the lake was an unsuitable landing site. OBI-WAN drags C3PO onto the shore.

    OBI-WAN: Are you all right?

    PROTOCOL DROID: Yes, sir.

    OBI-WAN: Good, let?s find Master Qui-Gon and get out of here.

    OBI-WAN and C3PO both become aware of a low, ominous humming sound, cutting through the air. They both turn simultaneously to the other side of the lake, and see two large Troop Transports emerging from the landing craft, heading directly towards them.

    OBI-WAN: Run!

    OBI-WAN and C3PO begin running for their lives, as the two Troop Transports float over the lake, and towards the forest, oblivious the trail of destruction they leave behind.

    EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP/GRASS PLAINS-TWILIGHT

    The droid invasion forces moves out of the swamps and onto a grassy plain. OOM-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY marching across the hills, all towards different cities in NABOO. A small hologram of RUNE and NUTE appears, and OOM-9 stands to attention.

    RUNE: Commander, we?ve searched the entire ship, and there?s no trace of the Jedi. They must have got onto one of your landing craft.

    OOM-9: If they are down here, sir, we?ll find them. We will soon have control of the City of Theed, and have captured the Queen.

    NUTE: Good, but use caution. These Jedi are not to be underestimated, and when you capture them, give them a slow, agonising death.

    OOM-9: Roger, roger.

    The hologram fades away.

    EXT. NABOO FOREST-TWILIGHT

    OBI-WAN runs through the dense forest, with C3PO behind him, with several animals running passed them in panic. The Troop Transports emerge from the mist, knocking trees down as they go. Standing in the middle of all this, petrified, is a GUNGAN, JAR JAR BINKS, who is almost rooted to the spot with fear. OBI-WAN, unaware of JAR JAR?s presence, turns to C3PO to check to see if he?s keeping up, accidentally running into JAR JAR as he does, making JAR JAR fall to the ground. C3PO, unaware that OBI-WAN has stopped, runs into his back, knocking the young Jedi as himself to the ground, both landing on JAR JAR. The two huge Transports pass over them. OBI-WAN waits for a few moments, and brings himself cautiously to his feet, pulling up C3PO as he does.

    OBI-WAN: That was a lucky escape.

    JAR JAR grabs onto OBI-WAN?s leg, making him jump

    JAR JAR: Yousa saved me mesa!

    OBI-WAN: (roughly helping the GUNGAN up) Let go of me! You almost got us killed back there. Are you completely stupid, or are you just doing this to impress us?

    JAR JAR: I spake.

    PROTOCOL DROID: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

    OBI-WAN: Quite right. Now get away from here.

    OBI-WAN begins to walk away, followed by JAR JAR, and C3PO

    JAR JAR: No....no! Mesa stay....mesa yous humbule servaunt.

    OBI-WAN: That isn?t necessary.

    JAR JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis debilett. Mesa culled JaJa Binkss. Yousa are?

    OBI-WAN: If this is deliberate, I....

    OBI-WAN trails of, seeing two STAPS burst between the trees, firing at them. OBI-WAN has his lightsaber ignited in a moment, pushing both C3PO, and JAR JAR down onto the ground. The two STAPS fire at the group, but OBI-WAN deflects the bolts, destroying the first STAP. The second STAP flies over head and OBI-WAN jumps up into the air, slashing with his lightsaber, cutting the battle-droid in half. The STAP, out of control, crashes into a tree. OBI-WAN deactivates his lightsaber, as a fig
  22. greencat336 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 27, 2001
    star 5


    I like the way you have Qui-gon and Obi-wan interacting. My best friend, who only watches the movies, (Yeah, I think its odd too) doesn't like Qui-gon at all because of the jerky way he treats Obi-wan -- unceremoniously dumping him for the new kid, stupidly running headlong to battle Maul by himself leaving Obi behind, and (as was mentioned) dying words all about Anakin without even a good bye for Obi. Glad to see you're showing some of the other aspects of their relation ship.

    And having Obi-wan save Jar Jar! Now it will be *his* fault that another 'pathetic life form' tags along :)

    Looking forward to the next post.
  23. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying it. Here's the next part, and I hope you like it!

    EXT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE-TWILIGHT

    QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, C-3PO, and JAR JAR run through the dense forest, towards a large, murky lake. The lake stretches all the way to the horizon. They all come to a halt. TRANSPORTS and BLASTERS can be heard faintly in the distance.

    JAR JAR: Dis is it!

    JAR JAR pulls a small cube from out of his pocket, and tosses it into the lake. Suddenly, a huge TRANSPORT BUBBLE rises from the lake. JAR JAR steps into it the TRANSPORT BUBBLE, the skin of it sealing around him.

    JAR JAR: Yousa come in ?ere, okeyday?

    QUI-GON, C-3PO, and OBI-WAN step into the TRANSPORT BUBBLE, and it begins to shake, and then slowly disappears under the surface.

    EXT. NABOO LAKE-UNDERWATER

    QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and C-3PO watch as the TRANSPORT BUBBLE makes it?s way through the murky depths of the lake. Several strange looking fish can be seen as the TRANSPORT BUBBLE cuts its way through the water. In the distance, a glow can be seen, and the underwater city of Otoh Gunga becomes more distinct. The City is made up of several large bubbles, linked by long, see-through tunnels. Both OBI-WAN and QUI-GON are awe-struck by the sight. JAR JAR turns to look at them.

    JAR JAR: My warning yous. Gungans no licken outlaunders. Don?t expict a werm welcome.

    OBI-WAN: I?m sure they?ll welcome us with open arms.

    The TRANSPORT BUBBLE begins to dock with a one of the larger bubbles of the city, and JAR JAR pushes himself with a strange membrane of the larger bubble, which seals around him. OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and C-3PO follow.

    INT. OTOH GUNGA-HARBOUR

    A few fishermen GUNGANS look up, and seem totally unimpressed by the new arrivals. A few smaller, young GUNGANS react in an excited fashion, pointing at the JEDI as they move through the harbour, led by JAR JAR.

    QUI-GON: (looking around) What a fascinating place.

    Four GUARDS armed with long electro-poles ride into the harbour on two-legged KAADUS. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN TARPALS, aim their lethal poles defensively at the new arrivals.

    CAPT. TARPALS: Hey, yousa! Stopa there!

    The JEDI, JAR JAR, and C-3PO obligingly stop. JAR JAR gulps nervously.

    JAR JAR: Heyo-dalee, Tarpals.

    CAPT. TARPALS: Cap?n Tarpals do yousa, Binks! My taken all of yousa to da bosses. All of yous in big dudus.

    QUI-GON: (to OBI-WAN) Open arms, eh? More like loaded arms.

    CAPT. TARPALS: Dis way.

    The four GUARDS lead the JEDI, JAR JAR, and C-3PO away from the harbour.


  24. AngelQueen Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2001
    star 4
    "Welcome arms? More like loaded arms."

    ::AngelQueen giggles:: That was funny! I like this rewrite! Totally cool! Keep it up!

    AngelQueen
  25. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Cheers! I actually thought that line was too much like something out of an Indiana Jones film, but I'm glad you laughed...
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