Silly question, but would anyone be interested if I posted a rewrite of The Phantom Menace on here?

I actually think there's too much Obi-Wan so far...

 

Well, here's the next part of my rewrite. Hope you all enjoy it:-

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-QUEEN?s CHAMBERS

THE QUEEN, RABE, EIRATE, QUI-GON, PANAKA, and RIC OLIE watch as a hologram message from SIO BIBBLE. The transmission is weak, and the hologram flickers continuously.

BIBBLE: (static) completely taken over the planet (static) food supplies cut off (static) you must return, your Highness (static) we have no hope (static) you must contact us (static) people are dying...

The transmission finally disappears completely. THE QUEEN looks upset.

INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM

NUTE sits on the throne, smiling as BIBBLE steps away from the communications system.

NUTE: Thank you, governor. You will be rewarded for this.

BIBBLE face is filled with regret.

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-QUEEN?s CHAMBERS

QUI-GON is considering the situation. PANAKA walks towards the QUEEN.

PANAKA: Your highness, we must contact...

QUI-GON: (cutting PANAKA off) It?s trick, your highness. Send no transmissions.

THE QUEEN: But I must contact Chancellor Valorum.

QUI-GON: No! Send no transmissions of any kind.

QUI-GON exits the chamber.

PANAKA: Our people are dying, your Highness. For them, contact Supreme Chancellor Valorum.

THE QUEEN stares at PANAKA for a moment, contemplating the situation. She nods.

THE QUEEN: (to RIC OLIE) Prepare the communications system.

RIC quickly hurries to carry out his orders.

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-COCKPIT

QUI-GON sits at the cockpit, talking to OBI-WAN through the communications system.

QUI-GON: ...The Federation was using him as bait. They obviously want the Queen back very badly. No reply was send, but stay alert. I sense great danger ahead.

OBI-WAN: (V.O) Yes, master. But what if it is true? What if the Naboo are dying?

QUI-GON: Well, either way, we?re running out of time.

QUI-GON cuts the communications link.

 

Hey, I just found this thread. I'm liking it a lot. I love the tension with Panaka (a character that got cheated out of any development in the original) and Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon is an interesting change. I'm think it's neat that you make everybody a little edgier: Jar Jar the thief, Panaka the bigot, Nute being more mean, Watto beating Anakin, and such. So far this is absolutly top notch. Looking forward to keeping up with this for quite some time.

 

Ah, see, there you're wrong.

Never too much Obi-Wan.

In fact, there should be more! More Obi! bwahahahahahaaaaaa!!!! Bump everyone else out of the story!!!!! All Obi-Wan!!!!!

Oh.

Sorry. Yeah, I guess those other minor characters ought to get a little screen time too, in the interest of making the story more rounded.

Seriously though, ace, great job so far. Agree with above comments about everyone being edgier. It gives the galaxy kind of a gritty feeling TPM was lacking.

kudos!

Syn

 

I reeeeeeeeeally liked the last few post! Sorry I haven't been posting replies very consistantly but you are fast I like all the changes you have been making, but does Obi-Wan *ever* say anything *nice* to Padme'? He's been really belittling to her. Just wondering.

Keep up the great work

 

Well, he is going to confide in her about Anakin, and the prophecy of the Chosen One, but I haven't written that bit yet. The reason why Obi-Wan is a bit fed up is because he has to drag around with him a fourteen year old girl, a thieving Gungan, a rude R2 unit, and a boring protocal droid, so naturally he's a bit irritated! But he'll start being nice to her soon, trust me...

 

Well, here's the next bit. Hope you all enjoy it, forgive the spelling mistakes, and post any comments you want:-

INT. SITH TEMPLE-UNKNOWN REGION OF SPACE

DARTH MAUL, a SITH APPRENTICE, wearing a black hooded cloak, with tattoos covering his face, and horns sprouting out from his head. He is holding a lightsaber, with a red blade, and is standing defensively. The TEMPLE is shrouded in darkness. There are statues on either side of DARTH MAUL. Each statue are of different species in the galaxy, and each statue either has a fearful, aggressive, or hateful look on its face. In front of DARTH MAUL is a large GLADIATOR DROID. It moves towards MAUL, levelling its weapon at him. MAUL quickly slices the GLADIATOR DROID in half, at an almost frighteningly quick speed. Suddenly, a faint whispering can be heard echoing through the TEMPLE. DARTH MAUL deactivates his lightsaber, and goes down on one knee, his head bowed in respect. The hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS appears.

DARTH MAUL: What is thy bidding, my master?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Rise, my friend.

DARTH MAUL gets to his feet.

DARTH SIDIOUS: (cont?d) Queen Amidala has made a critical error. Her location is known. She is on the planet Tatooine. It is a sparsely populated world. You will be able to find her without hindrance.

DARTH MAUL: Yes, my master. And the Jedi protecting her?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Move against them first, then you will have no difficulty in bringing the Queen to me.

DARTH MAUL: At last we reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will our revenge.

DARTH SIDIOUS: You have been well trained, my young apprentice. The Jedi will be no match for you. Soon, the Republic will be ours to control.

The hologram fades away. A wicked smile appears on DARTH MAUL?s lips. He?s been waiting for this for a long time.

 

"PADME takes the FAT ALIEN?s arm, and hurls him over her shoulders,"

Yeah right Oakes.

She's like what, 90 pounds?

About Oak making a movie, I believe we are going to make one together sometime in the future, right Oakes?

*Waves hand at Oakesteve*

You will start readng my fan fic again.

 

Stuff like that doesn't count in a Star Wars film, so there! And Padme used a Star Warsian form of karate, too...so there.

*watches as Ewan waves his hand*

I will read your fan fic again...

Just send us the link...I'm far too lazy to look for it myself.

 

us? You're talking like you're the Queen of England.

Links in the sig.

Uhh, even in SW a 90 pound girl shouldn't be able to flip a big fat alien dude.

 

Stop it Ewan, otherwise I'll tear you a new...err..nose. And actually saying us is more of a what common chap from England like me would use...

 

Training + An unexpecting opponent + the fact that he was short = Yeah she could too have done it! I have actually seen several children do it to adults before!!

Great post Oaks looking forward to more!! Oh and by the way, I know Obi will be nicer to Padme' cause he's a really nice boy!

 

Don't worry, everyone, the next part should be appearing soon...

 

Well, here's the next bit. Hope you all like it:-

EXT. MOS ESPA-FOOD STALL-DAY

ANAKIN, OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, PADME, C-3PO, and R2 are standing by a store selling fried womprat. Both PADME and OBI-WAN look rather uncertain of the delicacy, but JAR JAR is licking his lips.

ANAKIN: (to PADME and OBI-WAN Are you sure you don?t want one?

PADME: It?s kind of you, Anakin, but we had something before we left.

ANAKIN shrugs, and turns to pay for the two bowels of fried womprat. He hands one to JAR JAR who begins eating it straight away. PADME seems a little uncomfortable. ANAKIN walks towards her, offering her the bowel.

ANAKIN: Have a bit, they?re good!

PADME backs away a little, and then relents. PADME opens her mouth, and ANAKIN pops a bit of the womprat into it, feeling a bit embarrassed. PADME chews on it for a while.

PADME: It doesn?t taste that bad, actually.

Both PADME and ANAKIN laugh.

ANAKIN: Well, these things are pretty big, actually. They all nest around Beggar?s Canyon. I reckon that if you flew through there in a T-15 Skyhopper, you?d balls-eye them. They?re not much bigger than about two metres.

R2 beeps disbelievingly.

PROTOCAL DROID: I agree, R2. That is impossible, even for a computer.

OBI-WAN: (smiling) It?s not impossible. You just need a good aim.

The group becomes aware that many of the shop-owners have started to pack up their stalls, and the street is now virtually deserted. Also, the wind is beginning to blow.

ANAKIN: ...There?s a sandstorm coming.

PADME: We better get back to our ship. Thanks for all your help, Anakin.

They begin to walk way. ANAKIN grabs hold of PADME?s arm.

ANAKIN: Where?s your ship?

PADME: Out in the desert.

ANAKIN: You?ll never reach the desert in time! Come on, you can stay in my house until it dies down.

PADME and OBI-WAN quickly agree, and ANAKIN leads them towards his home.

 

Cough.

 

Hmm...

 

*l*

Sorry, oakssteve, some of us can't *afford* to be online waiting for every installment ... whether we'd like to, or not. I can't anyway. No work = no Force Boards. Have a little patience, ace.

Good installment! I'm wondering about Obi-Wan and Shmi. Will we have the same romantic tension as with Shmi and Qui-Gon?

~ Syn

 

///ANAKIN: Well, these things are pretty big, actually. They all nest around Beggar?s Canyon. I reckon that if you flew through there in a T-15 Skyhopper, you?d balls-eye them. They?re not much bigger than about two metres. R2 beeps disbelievingly. PROTOCAL DROID: I agree, R2. That is impossible, even for a computer.///

Oh ha ha!

PLEASE
MORE!

 

Well, I view Obi-Wan the same way as the Doctor (from the television series Doctor Who), as being totally avoid of any particular sexual desires. He's got the whole galaxy to think about, not who he'd like to sleep with! But in my rewrite Obi-Wan will also try to set Shmi free as well, but.....well, I can't give away too much! Anyway, thanks for your views, everybody. You're all a terribly nice bunch of fellows, you know.

 

Fried womprat?!?

Well, there´s one thing I´m glad wasn´t in the movie.

 

Actually, I was being facetious about a romance between Obi-Wan and Shmi ... I don't know that I could stomach that.

And, as much as I love Obi-Wan, could you be a little more well-rounded than the movie and show us what's happening on the queen's ship? I like the idea of Panaka going behind Qui-Gon's back and talking the 'queen' into sending a transmission anyway.

Will you post more soon?

~Syn

 

DO IT!

 

Don't worry, more is coming! By the way, that whole fried womprat thing was meant to be a joke, and it was the only Tatooinean animal that came into my head when I was writing this! Anyway, hopefully the next part should be up on here soon...

 

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