Silly question, but would anyone be interested if I posted a rewrite of The Phantom Menace on here?

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Oakessteve, May 1, 2001.

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  1. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 8
    Threepwood? And to think I almost didn't trust you!

    I'd love to read a rewrite of IJ and the TOD! That could be a lot of fun. :D
  2. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, I have this idea for an extra sub-plot, really, but I don't know whether it'll be worthing rewriting the whole thing just to add an extra bit of plot in. Well...I'll think about it! Here's the next part of my rewrite. Please forgive the spelling and grammar errors, and if you see any, please tell me so I can edited them out. Here we go:-


    INT. TURRET ROOM-NABOO PALACE-NIGHTFALL

    Night has fallen over the city of THEED. Several flickering candles that are dotted around the ROOM, create large shadows over the wall illuminate the TURRET ROOM. YODA is pacing up and down, his cane making a loud tapping noise on the FLOOR. OBI-WAN is still mourning the loss of his MASTER.

    YODA: ...disturbing, the loss of Master Qui-Gon, it is. Fought well, you did, against the dark warrior. Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the Council does.

    OBI-WAN smiles slightly at this.

    OBI-WAN: Thank you, master.

    YODA: (pointing his cane at OBI-WAN) But agree with you taking this boy as your Padawan learner, I do not!

    OBI-WAN: What Anakin did to that Federation Battleship was something that even the greatest star-fighter pilots in the galaxy would be hard pressed to do, and he achieved his victory through the Force, not a computer targeting system. The Force flows through him.

    YODA: The Chosen One the boy maybe; nevertheless, grave danger I fear in his training.

    OBI-WAN: (starting to become rather annoyed) He would be a far greater danger to the galaxy if he were not trained. I will train Anakin, master Yoda. Without the approval of the Council if I must.

    YODA: Great defiance I sense in you. Need that you do not.

    YODA sighs heavily, and turns to OBI-WAN, a serious look on his face.

    YODA: (cont?d) Take full responsibility for him, you will?

    OBI-WAN: (trying to hide his eagerness) Yes, master.

    Nodding slightly to himself, YODA begins pacing up and down again.

    YODA: Agree with you the Council does. Your apprentice, young Skywalker, will be.

    OBI-WAN bows his head gratefully.

    OBI-WAN: Thank you, my master.

    YODA: (waving a dismissive hand) Oversee the final preparations for Master Qui-Gon Jinn?s funeral, you must.

    OBI-WAN: (getting to his feet) Yes, master.

    OBI-WAN exits the TURRET ROOM. YODA watches him go. Pacing up to the HUGE WINDOW over looking the CITY OF THEED, the old JEDI MASTER sighs heavily. He bears the weight of the universe on his shoulders.


  3. Scarr1106 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2001
    star 3
    Very nice post, Oakes. Subtly but importantly different from the original, which is why this has been such a good rewrite. What subplot, BTW?
  4. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, there'd be a gun-running plot, involving the Chinese gangasters at the beginning arming the Thuggee, but considering the current political situation, and I don't think that would be a terribly good idea! Thanks for your comments, by the way, Scarr1106. It took me ages to write that!
  5. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Don't give up on this now, everyone, we're nearly finished!
  6. slavegirl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 6, 2001
    star 4
    Very nice! :) You'll still have Mola Ram tearing the heart out of his victim in your rewrite, won't you? :D
  7. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Oh yeah...that bit was...err...lovely.
  8. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Cheers, cbjedi. I wonder where everybody else is? Come on, don't give up on this now! Not when we're so close to the end. Anyway, here's the next part. Only two more scenes to go after this one! Please forgive the spelling and grammer areas, and let me know what you think of it. Here we go:-



    INT. THEED-CENTRAL PLAZA-FUNERAL TEMPLE STEPS-NIGHT

    QUI-GON JINN lies on a funeral pyre, the flames surrounding the JEDI MASTER? body. The TEMPLE is in total darkness, with the only light coming from the burning funeral pyre. The JEDI COUNCIL, QUEEN AMIDALA, the HANDMADIENS, several NABOO and GUNGAN SOLDIERS, TWENTY OTHER JEDI, SUPREME CHANCELLOR PALPATINE, JAR JAR, BOSS NASS, and CAPTAIN TARPALS stand around it, paying their respects to the fallen JEDI MASTER. QUEEN AMIDALA has a mournful expression her face, and stands next to OBI-WAN, and ANAKIN. OBI-WAN is staring intently at the burning funeral pyre, his eyes full of tears. Sensing his friend?s distress, ANAKIN gently tucks at OBI-WAN?s cloak. The JEDI KNIGHT glances down at ANAKIN.

    ANAKIN: (quietly) I know how you feel, Obi-Wan. I?ve lost friends too. And loved ones. But you have to let go.

    OBI-WAN smiles sadly at the BOY?s wisdom. He gently places his hand on ANAKIN?s shoulder.

    OBI-WAN: The Council has granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi, Anakin, I promise you that.

    OBI-WAN turns back to pyre. Concerned, ANAKIN does too. On the other side of the TEMPLE, MACE WINDU turns to YODA.

    MACE WINDU: One life ends and a new one begins in the Jedi Order.

    YODA: Not so certain of the boy as Obi-Wan is, I am.

    MACE WINDU: The Council has decided. The corpse has been recovered and examined. There is no doubt. The mysterious warrior was a Sith.

    YODA: Always two there are...no more...no less. A master and an apprentice.

    MACE WINDU: (turning to YODA) But which one was destroyed? The Master, or the apprentice?

    MACE WINDU and YODA exchange concerned looks neither of the two JEDI MASTERS being able to provide an answer. They turn back to the funeral pyre.
    ANAKIN glances at AMIDALA momentarily, smiling briefly. Then he and CHANCELLOR PALPATINE?s eyes meet. For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then, a smile flickers on PALPATINE?s lips.


  9. Scarr1106 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2001
    star 3
    oooo! that evil Palpatine, smiling at Anakin during the funeral! Very nice, Oakes! Another really good post.

    BTW, what's your stance on the whole "becoming one with the Force"/ fade away death? Any reason in the Oakesepisodeoneverse?
  10. Senator Lorena Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 21, 2000
    star 4
    Just caught up. Sorry I was gone so long. I just finished my first fan fic, which is well over a year old!

    I really liked the way you rewrote Qui-Gon's death scene. I never liked his final statement to Obi-Wan.

    Oooo! The final statement in the last post was creepy. I wish Palpatine would leave the boy alone! :(

    Great job with this thread. Looking forward to the next posts.
  11. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, to be honest, Scarr1106, I completely forgot about that whole thing while I was writing that scene! But I rather like the theory that a Jedi needs to be at peace when they die, like Obi-Wan and Yoda, where as Qui-Gon wasn't. Also, as it said before on the official site a few weeks back when someone asked about why Yoda trained Luke even though he was far too old, I think that the whole reappearing and being at one with the Force is forbidden by the Jedi Order, but as the circumstances in the galaxy were so dire, Obi-Wan had to break that rule in order to still help and advice Luke. If that makes sense.

    Senator Lorena: I know, I got the shivers writing that scene myself! But I did feel that maybe I had gone a little over the top, but I'm glad you liked it. In my rewrite, Palpatine has already started his process of corrupting Anakin, and turning him to the Dark Side. And the trouble is that to Obi-Wan and the Jedi Council, on the surface it seems that Palpatine is just trying to encourage Anakin, and the whole 'We will watch your career with great interest' actually makes Obi-Wan rather proud for Anakin, as it's the equivalent of Tony Blair, or Bush saying the same to thing to your kid, or your star student. If that makes sense. Which it probably doesn't!
  12. Senator Lorena Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 21, 2000
    star 4
    Oakes: I understand what you meant. If one of my star students were to be complimented by the President of the U.S., I would certainly be proud.
  13. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    By the way, I'm not suggested that either the president of America or Tony Blair are Sith Lords. I don't know enough about politics to make that claim! The next part should be coming up soon. I just need to work on the dialogue a bit.
  14. slavegirl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 6, 2001
    star 4
    Tony Blair's too stupid to be a Sith Lord. :mad:

    Sorry, I'm just a bit of a Tory. :p
  15. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    So far this rewrite has got 53053...that's a lot of words!
  16. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    And here's the penultimate post! It's a bit cheesy in places, but I hope you all enjoy it anyway. Please forgive the grammar and spelling mistakes, and let me know what you think of it. Here we go:-



    INT. NABOO PALACE-ROYAL QUARTERS-DAY

    Sunbeams streak in through the HIGH WINDOWS, creating colourful patterns over the floor and walls. ANAKIN stands on a stool, with OBI-WAN standing behind him, who is carefully platting a small PADAWAN BRAID into ANAKIN?s hair, that is now cut short in the style of a PADAWAN. ANAKIN now wears the clothes of a PADAWAN LEARNER. The BOY has an excited expression on his face. He shifts slightly on the stool, much to OBI-WAN?s annoyance.

    OBI-WAN: Anakin, stop fidgeting. We will have to leave for the ceremony very shortly.

    ANAKIN: I?ve never seen a ceremony before.

    OBI-WAN: You will have now, but you?ll be part of it. It?s to welcome you to the Jedi Order formally, and to confer my status as a Jedi Knight, and you as my Padawan.

    OBI-WAN pauses briefly, cutting a little bit of ANAKIN?s hair off with a small pair of scissors.

    OBI-WAN: (cont?d) Your mother would be very proud of you.

    ANAKIN, feeling rather uncomfortable, glances down at the floor.

    ANAKIN: (quietly) She was always proud of me.

    OBI-WAN: (finishing his work, and stepping away from ANAKIN) There you are, Anakin. You?re part of the Jedi Order, now. This is a start of a new life for you. You and I will be able to travel across the galaxy together, go to worlds never visited by anyone before, have adventures and save planets.

    Stepping of the stool, ANAKIN turns to OBI-WAN, fiddling slightly with his braid. He has a very excited look on his face.

    ANAKIN: Wow...really?

    OBI-WAN grins at ANAKIN?s child-like enthusiasm. ANAKIN stops for a moment, frowning slightly.

    ANAKIN: (worriedly) But Master Yoda did say that a Jedi doesn?t crave adventure, or enjoy it.

    OBI-WAN: (misheviously) I know, but you still can, Anakin, just don?t admit to it.

    ANAKIN and OBI-WAN laugh for a moment. Then, ANAKIN looks troubled. Sensing what the BOY is thinking of, OBI-WAN places his hand on ANAKIN?s shoulder.

    OBI-WAN: (seriously) You will see her again, Anakin, and when you do, you will be a Jedi Knight.

    ANAKIN looks a little more hopeful, and follows OBI-WAN as he exits the QUARTERS.



  17. slavegirl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 6, 2001
    star 4
    Nice! :D Only one more post left? //starts sobbing// I'd better get to work on my little review thingy that I promised you then.
  18. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Little? I want it to be big! It's not fair...
  19. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    I don't know whether I should post the final part tonight, or wait until tomorrow...
  20. Scarr1106 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2001
    star 3
    Obiwan undermining Yoda's dogma? Chuckled at that one, Oakes. Very much in keeping with the spirit of rebellion you've infused Obiwan with in this rewrite. You've done a great job with his character in this, what I wish had been done in the film itself. Looking forward to the next post, though a bit sad that it's the last. This has been my most frequently visited fanfiction topic for a while now. WIll keep an eye on whatever you start next.
  21. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Well, I've got several ideas going at the moment, but I still haven't decided what one to go for. To help me decide, there is a poll all about it over in the fan fiction resource board! And it will make me look popular, if a few more people vote in it :D. Well, here it is. The last part of my rewrite. This time, I don't want you to forgive the spelling and grammar mistakes! Only joking, please forgive them anyway. Let me know what you think of it, and if anyone wants to write any reviews on my rewrite overall, you're very welcome to do so! Here we go:-



    EXT. THEED-CENTRAL PLAZA-DAY

    The sun is shining beautifully over the CITY OF THEED. Several NABOO are watching out of the windows of their houses, throwing flowers down onto the STREET below. CROWDS have formed on either side of the ROAD, made up of CHILDREN, and ADULTS, who are all cheering and throwing flowers as OBI-WAN and ANAKIN make their way along the street. They are heading towards the PALACE steps, where YODA, MACE WINDU, the other members of the JEDI COUNCIL are waiting for them. QUEEN AMIDALA, who is wearing a beautiful gleaming white gown, stands with them, with BOSS NASS, JAR JAR, CAPTAIN TARPALS (who both wear medals), R2, and SUPREME CHANCELLOR PALPATINE.
    As ANAKIN and OBI-WAN walk passed a line of GUNGAN and NABOO SOLDERS, they quickly stand to attention. OBI-WAN, with ANAKIN behind him, marches up the STEPS leading to the PALACE. OBI-WAN goes down on one leg, kneeling before YODA and the JEDI COUNCIL. ANAKIN and AMIDALA smile at each other happily. YODA places his hand on OBI-WAN?s head.

    YODA: I confer on you the level of Jedi Knight.

    OBI-WAN: I pledge to serve the Republic, bring honour to the Jedi Order, and peace to the galaxy. I will pass on all that I have learnt to my apprentice, as my master did before me.

    YODA: May the Force be with you.

    OBI-WAN rises, and stands next to YODA. Nervously, ANAKIN kneels down infront of YODA. YODA places his hand on ANAKIN?s head.

    YODA: I confer on you the level of Padawan Learner. Your master Obi-Wan Kenobi will be. Accept, do you?

    ANAKIN looks briefly to OBI-WAN; who gives him a nod of encouragement.

    ANAKIN: I accept. ?There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance; there is knowledge. There is no passion: there is sereninty. There is no death; there is the Force.?

    YODA: (nodding in approval) May the Force be with you.

    ANAKIN gets to his feet, and stands by OBI-WAN?s side. They both turn to the assembled crowd, who all begin to cheer loudly. OBI-WAN proudly places his hand on ANAKIN?s shoulder. AMIDALA smiles happily. JAR JAR, BOSS NASS, and CAPTAIN TARPALS begin cheering, along with the NABOO and GUNGAN SOLDIERS. R2 beeps happily too himself. Even the JEDI COUNCIL, and YODA seem happy. ANAKIN is rather light headed for moment, as the cheering amongst the CROWD gets louder. He glances at OBI-WAN, and then at AMIDALA, and smiles too, as the CROWD begins to celebrate. The young BOY?s dreams have now come true. His destiny awaits him.

    The End


  22. Scarr1106 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2001
    star 3
    Again, a very subtle but important change makes the ending resound truer than the one in the film: a point to the celebration ceremony, one that differs from ANH's "we won" party. And you managed to work in the Jedi Code to boot (still waiting for that one). A good ending, Oakes. Well done.
  23. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Thanks, Scarr1106. For a long time I didn't know what ending to go for, as I always felt The Phantom Menace should have ended at Qui-Gon's funeral, as that sets the tone and mood for the prequel trilogy so well, but as he wasn't such a central character in my rewrite, I felt that wouldn't be so good. Another idea I had was the entire Jedi Order travelling to Coruscant to swear their alligence to Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (as it's a traditional thing that all Jedi have to do when there's a new Chancellor), and when Anakin comes up to swear his loyalty, he would feel that both his and Palpatine's destinies were entwined, but as I had already decided on Palpatine having far more contact with Anakin than he did in the original, I thought that might be overkill, in a way. So, I went for the ending you've just read, to really show the Jedi Order in all it's splendour. If that makes sense. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Scarr1106. I hope this thread doesn't sink to the bottom before other people get a chance to look at it! I wonder where Emperor_Kefka, and Rogue...Jedi are?
  24. Darth Geist Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 5
    Very nice, Oakes! Are you going to post this in the TPM forum?
  25. Oakessteve Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    May 9, 1999
    star 6
    Thanks, Darth Geist. I've asked NathanDahlin if I could, but he hasn't replied yet. I don't want to start a flame war!
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