ATTN: All crewmembers of the ISS Indefatigable The following is an official and authorized copy of the recently revised and updated IMPERIAL OFFICER, SOLDIER AND CREW MEMBER BEHAVIORAL GUIDELINES AND REGULATIONS. As many of you are no doubt already aware, Imperial Command on Coruscant has felt it necessary to attach several addendums to this list in light of numerous reports of insubordinate, reckless, foolhardy, disturbing and otherwise inappropriate behavior having been submitted in recent times. Furthermore, it might also be of interest to note that indisputable evidence has confirmed as fact that a considerable amount of the reports that held heavy influence on Command's decision to proceed with this update can be directly traced back to a single individual who, when not personally responsible for the incidents for which these reports were filed, did in some way, shape or form hold a heavy amount of involvement. The individual has been positively identified as Private 3rd Class Sapek Sakims? Or ?Skippy? as he is more popularly known. Be advised, even though the majority of these new regulations were, in fact, specifically written with ?Skippy? in mind, they do indeed apply to every member of Imperial personnel, and it is mandatory that these regulations be memorized and obeyed. -------------------- 1. Photon torpedoes are NOT to be used, in any way, shape or form, for the purpose of interior decoration 2. No matter how imaginative one may be, interrogation droids are NOT your ?friends? 3. It is considered an EXTREME breach of etiquette to offer Lord Vader a ?cough drop? 4. Use of the P.A. system on any Imperial craft to page fellow crew members is a PRIVELAGE, not a RIGHT 5. When using the P.A. system on any Imperial craft to page fellow crew members, be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that the name you are about to page is, in fact, the name of a fellow crew member 6. There never WAS, never HAS BEEN and never WILL BE an Imperial officer, soldier or crew member named ?Seymore Butz?, ?Hugh Jass?, ?Phil McReviss?, ?Craven Moorehed? or ?Anita Hanchob? 7. Emperor Palpatine's particular choice of accoutrement is a ?robe? or a ?cloak?, it is NOT, and is to NEVER BE referred to as a ?housedress? 8. A thermal detonator serves as a poor choice for a makeshift plumbing device 9. From this point on, attempting to elicit laughter from fellow crew members by placing two pastries on the sides of your head and saying ?Help me, Obi-Wan!? is grounds for IMMEDIATE EXECUTION 10. Life-forms, SHMIFE-FORMS, when you see an escape pod ejecting from an enemy ship, BLAST THE DAMNED THING! 11. It is counterproductive to the likelihood of one's promotion to draw comparisons between the wife and/or mother of one's Commanding Officer and a glandularly abnormal Bantha 12. We transport our personnel from ship to planetside and vice-versa via orbital spacecraft, we do NOT "beam" them 13. Recreational use of tabana gas... NOT a good idea 14. As entertaining as one might find it, it is considered inappropriate to refer to the all-too-rare commodity of Alderaanian Brandy as "Kaboom-Berry Juice" 15. It is extremely detrimental to the morale of subordinates to wear a kilt on a Star Destroyer's command platform 16. Crucifying womp-rats... NOT a good idea 17. Being able to discern, solely through sensory observation, that Emperor Palpatine and/or Lord Vader was the last individual to make use of the refresher before you does NOT make one "Force Sensitive" 18. It is ill advised to suggest, as complimentary as your intent may be, that Mara Jade possesses anything that can be referred to as "bodacious beef bazookas" 19. From this point on, it is EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN to use Wookiee slave labor for the purpose of making pornographic holovids 20. Consider yourself duly warned that the list of illegal contraband has NOW been expanded to include so-called "whoopie-cushions"