Before Snippets from Melida/Daan AU JA Obi-Wan Qui-Gon angst family

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by AbigailsNose, Jun 15, 2008.

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  1. AbigailsNose Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2008
    I wrote these snippets while ago when I was planning to write a fanfic on what might have happened if Obi-Wan had remained on Melida/Daan permanently. I never got around to writing the full story, but when I rediscovered these snippets I wondered what other people might think of them. I'll post this first one, and please, please, review and criticise! Don't hold back, honestly!
  2. AbigailsNose Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2008
    So you understand the backstory of this first snippet, Cerasi and Nield died, leaving Obi-Wan as the new leader of the Young. In an attempt to rescue some of their captured comrades, Obi-Wan is captured by the Daan, while the others escaped.

    SNIPPET ONE

    The cell was silent, and the silence was oppressive. He could hear his own breathing echo back to him, ringing strangely and seeming to come from everywhere at once. In his boredom, he had tried to pinpoint it, to no avail.

    He had then tried to work out how long the sound of his breathing took to bounce off the wall in front and back to his ears, if the speed of sound was 337m/s in this temperature it was an approximate distance of 1.0m, making it 1.0m x 2 = ST. Or if 1.0m could be called y: 2y x 2 = ST.

    That had kept him occupied for a while, but once he had exhausted all the possible variables in his approximations and worked out a variety of correct answers, his mind had nothing left to distract itself from itself.

    Except possibly that last sentence.

    Obi-Wan?s ankles and knees were getting stiff, so he awkwardly shifted his feet to point in a different direction. His wrists were cuffed behind him and a bag had been tied over his hands so he couldn?t even use his fingers. A few links connected his cuffs to the wall, so he had no room to manoeuvre. When he first came in, he had been forced onto his knees and pushed backwards so the guard could lean over him and attach his cuffs to the wall. That was because the cell was so narrow, two people couldn?t stand next to each other. Hence Obi-Wan was forced to stay on his knees, because there were neither enough room nor chain links for him to move.

    He crouched uncomfortably in the dark cell, the suffocating silence weighing down on him. He reached for the Force, wanting to feel its comforting touch on his mind and cried out involuntarily, pulling his bloodied chin in tight to his bruised chest. A deafening drum thumped in his head with each heartbeat. His breathing grew noisier as he gritted his teeth and bore it grimly, trying to breathe through his nose. The clotting blood in his nose bubbled and choked him. He snorted hard and dimly heard it splatter to the floor. Only a single whimper escaped him as the headache throbbed. Gradually, the pain subsided, but he could still feel the blood pumping through every vein in his skull. He felt sure they must have been bulging with every pulse.

    Obviously, he had been injected with some sort of Force suppressant. He had never encountered them before, but he had been taught a little about them in his Temple classes. He supposed there were some that could cause severe headaches if he tried to access the Force. As a Padawan he would have learnt how to purge some of them from his body, but as a normal person (says the blindfolded boy sitting in a cell) he didn?t know how.

    But he was worried. That meant that the Daan knew he was a Force-user, and obviously thought he was enough of a threat that he needed drugged. What else did they know? He doubted anyone knew he was a Jedi, but it was always possible?

    The pain lingered at the back of his head for the longest before vanishing altogether, and he wondered at it for several minutes before realising it must have been a hit on the head there that knocked him out. He hoped he wasn?t brain damaged. How would he know if he was?

    His spine stiffened and the hairs on the back of his neck rose up and he heard a distant noise. He concentrated hard. The sound vanished. Then it reappeared a moment later, so distant he wasn?t entirely sure it was there. It increased in volume.

    With a start, Obi-Wan realised it was footsteps. He couldn?t be sure, but there sounded like there were two or three pairs of booted feet coming in his direction. He slid into a proper meditation position and closed his eyes, schooling his features to utter serenity.

    At least, he hoped his eyes were closed. It was difficult to tell in the pitch black.
    The door hissed open.

    ?There,? grunted a mature
  3. C1-J2 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 16, 2007
    star 3
    :eek: He's blind?!?

    This sounds awesome (well not Kenobi being blinded, but the story line and such)! It was very well written, too. I always wanted to write something about Obi-Wan staying in Melida/Daan, but never did get to it. It's a shame there isn't more Melida/Daan fanfic out there Cerasi was one of my favorite characters.

    Anyways, great story and looking forward to more. My only complaint was the math problem, way TOO much thinking for summer vacation ;) and of course I wanted to try and solve it. :D

    If you do PMs, would you please add me to the list?
  4. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Fatigue after head injury can be one of the most limiting symptoms because it affects everything a person does?Difficulties with balance can be caused by damage to the back of the skull? Headaches range from mild, occasional inconvenience to nearly total incapacitation?Processing what the eyes see is carried out in the occipital lobes at the back of the brain. Damage here can result in either full or partial blindness, or gaps in the visual field?

    Oh, nice twist! Please PM me when you update, this looks good!

    =D=

  5. AbigailsNose Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2008
    This is the second snippet I wrote, and I think the only other one I'm going to post. The others are rather more obscure, and less likely to be understood in the slightest. This takes place shortly after Qui-Gon leaves Obi-Wan on Melida/Daan, so NO he is not yet blinded at this stage. Sorry, I really should have had the foresight to post them chronologically!

    Just to clear some things up, this isn't a chronological fanfic. These are nothing more than screenshots, if you will, of a story I planned to write but never got around to. Everyone relax about Obi-Wan being blinded, it was as a result of a head injury that eventally heals.

    SPECIAL THANKS to C1-J2, my first ever reviewer! Lots of love! [face_love]

    Thanks also due to VaderLVR64, for taking the time to review!:)








    The atmosphere in the quiet alley was subdued at best. Most children huddled together in groups for comfort, stamping their feet and rubbing their grimy hands together nervously. Dried mud flaked off to reveal pale skin underneath. Living underground didn?t do much for your tan.

    Only a few metres from where they shivered, masked Melida Elders stood in the street, completely unaware of the haunted eyes of the children watching them.

    The Elders wore hoods over their heads with slight slits to reveal thin lips and hard eyes. Their dark clothes blended with the shadows and the buildings, charred from arson and bombs. Even their guns were an ugly, gleaming black, so the only colour was the Melida flag prominent on each of their chests. It was an unspoken challenge and declaration of loyalty; these men and women were willing to take a bullet in the heart for their colours.

    The flags on Melida/Daan were the backbone of each side. These flags were the pride of those that carried them. It was more than their life?s worth to let them fall into enemy hands.

    Cerasi stood alone, as close as she could safely get to the street. From here, she could clearly see the cold eyes that peered out of their masks. The impersonal mask alone struck fear into her heart, and for once she couldn?t hide it. Her usual calm demeanour was gone and she was mortified to find her throat closing up. She swallowed furiously and blinked repeatedly. It was just because she was so tired. She hadn?t slept in?a while, and it was all catching up on her. But that was no excuse. Tears had no place on an assignment, and neither did family ties. Just because that was her father a few metres away with a blaster in his hand and three bottle bombs on his belt didn?t change anything.

    There was a shout from an Elder and he or she pointed down the street. For a heart-stopping second, Cerasi thought Nield or Obi-Wan?s unit had been spotted, but she swiftly realised that the Daan had arrived to defend their hard-won territory. Exactly as Obi-Wan had predicted.

    Zehava was currently under Daan control (Cerasi had checked the flag at the main gate just that morning) and as such, there was a very low chance of them tolerating Melida presence at one of the most prominent sites in the city for more than a few hours. Especially here, at the Halls of Evidence. In preparation for the inevitable confrontation, the Young had hastily constructed a plan of action and positioned themselves strategically in the streets around the Halls.

    Cerasi inched forward slightly. The Melida Elders in front of her had moved back slightly as they fell into positions, so now her group was trapped in the stretch between the Melida and the Daan.

    Already, Cerasi could make out a few of the Young from Obi-Wan?s unit leave the safety of their own alleyway and creep towards the centre of the action. The majority of Obi-Wan?s unit were hidden further up the street and on the other side, so they were nearer the approaching Daan. Nield had snipers spread out along the street roofs in case something went wrong. Obi-Wan?s intuition had served them well to get them into such secure positions. For once, the Young had the upper hand.

    She motioned for the children beh
  6. ClaudiaR Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 8, 2007
    star 1
    very interesting t write from Cerasi's pov of the fight
    i liked it... and I am glad is only temporarily blinded
  7. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Oh nicely done! The ending was superb.

    The bolt hit her squarely in the centre of the chest. It burst her heart so fast she didn?t even have time to acknowledge the pain. She stumbled, her legs suddenly disconnected from her brain and she hit the ground. The last thing she saw before her vision went black was Obi-Wan?s terrified, blood spattered face looming over her, lips working frantically, soundlessly. She wanted to speak to him, for him to tell her father she still loved him, and she was sorry she left. She wanted to clutch Obi-Wan?s hand and tell him to stop crying, that he must bring peace to Melida/Daan. She wanted to tell him?she wanted to?

    But he wasn?t there anymore.


    =D=
  8. AbigailsNose Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2008
    THANKS GUYS! Always happy to get a reply!

    VaderLVR64 - Thanks!:) The ending is actually one of my favourite bits, although I think I made it too long and rambling to be truly effective.

    ClaudiaR - Hey, new reveiwer! Thanks for dropping in! And I could hardly leave our Obi blind for good. I had one of the Jedi heal him in another snippet, but I won't post that one.

    Anybody else out there? Come on lurkers...o_O
  9. C1-J2 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 16, 2007
    star 3
    Another great snippet! =D=

    I really liked this one! It was a very different take on the battle and it was awesome to see it from Cerasi's perspective. I remember being so frustrated when she died the first time I read the JA books.

    Dried mud flaked off to reveal pale skin underneath. Living underground didn?t do much for your tan.

    That was a detail I never would have thought of and I thought it was a cool . . . idea? I think that's the word I'm looking for.

    Take Care, [:D]

    C1
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