Song of Darkness, Song of Light

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Terana Lewani, May 2, 1999.

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  1. Terana Lewani Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 11, 2000
    Watch Where You Stick That Lightsaber, Pal
    -Dave Barry

    It's coming! Put your ear to the page and listen...
    BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom bom bom bom . . . .

    That's right: It's the theme from Star Wars, the movie series that gave the world a whole new lexicon, including such phrases as ``the Force,'' ``Death Star,'' ``light saber,'' ``lexicon'' and ``licensed merchandise.''

    Star Wars has become an important and cherished part of our shared cultural heritage, like Starbucks and Pez. And soon another chapter will be added to the Star Wars legend with the release of the long-awaited new installment in the series, entitled Episode One: The Empire Gets a Building Permit. On the day this movie is released, millions of Americans will flock to movie theaters to share in the excitement and wonder of being told that the theater is sold out through October because all the tickets have been snapped up by crazed drooling Star Wars geeks wearing officially licensed Han Solo underwear.

    What explains the powerful appeal of the Star Wars series? Speaking as one who saw Return of the Jedi on video at least 14,000 times when my son was four and refused to watch anything else but also refused to be left alone with Jabba the Hutt, I would say that the key element is the theme of Good vs. Evil. Good is of course represented by Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), who has the Force, a mystical, universal power that causes him to be attracted to his sister. Fortunately, Luke gets over that and meets a wise Jedi master named Yoda (Raymond Burr) who trains Luke to harness the awesome power of the Force so that he can speak lines of really bad dialogue without laughing.

    Along the way, Luke meets many memorable characters, including Han Solo (Indiana Jones), Chewbacca (Sonny Bono), Princess Leia (Prince) and two quirky, lovable robots, C-3PO (Tony Danza) and R2-D2 (F7-Z9). After many hair-raising adventures, Luke finally goes to the Death Star (Marlon Brando) where he confronts Evil in the form of his father, Darth Vader (voice by Perry Como) and, in a heartwarming scene of reconciliation, beats him up. The dramatic climax comes when Luke removes the helmet from the dying Vader and gazes, at last, into the eyes of the person beneath the harsh, forbidding mask (Martha Stewart). In the end, Good triumphs over Evil, and Luke and his friends celebrate on the planet of the Ewoks, a race of fun-loving, short, hairy creatures (Robin Williams).

    As humans, we relate to this timeless story because we all go through the same kind of moral struggle in our own lives. We have a Force within us, and sometimes we use it for Good, as when we decide to have a salad instead of a cheeseburger and fries; but sometimes we turn toward the Dark Side, as when we load up our salad with a fatty ranch dressing, or we take all the remaining artichoke segments from the salad bar, leaving none for the next person in line (Nick Nolte).

    These timeless themes explain why we are all so excited that director George Lucas (Inc.) has decided, despite the very real risk that he will make billions of dollars, to come out with a new episode of Star Wars. Until recently, specific information about the new episode was ``Top Secret'' -- nobody knew the plot except Lucas, the actors, and of course the government of China. Fortunately, however, I have obtained, from high-level sources who asked not to be identified (Al and Tipper Gore) specific details on the plot. If you don't want me to spoil the shocking surprise ending (Liam Neeson gets killed), stop reading right now, because here is . . .

    THE PLOT: There is big trouble brewing in the universe (California). The evil and greedy Trade Federation (Microsoft) is planning to invade the tiny planet of Naboo (Naboo), which is inhabited by a race of strange frog-like beings (the House Judiciary Committee). Two Jedi knights, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn (Siegfried and Roy) go to Naboo, where, after overcoming numerous special effects, they are joined by the Naboo queen (Dennis Rodman). They escape in a space
  2. jasman Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 1998
    star 4
    Jeez! Did you ever laugh so hard you started coughing? God, my throat hurts. That was hella-funny!
  3. Darth Fatuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 1999
    star 1
    Glad you liked it. I quite literally did a ROTFL when I first read it. I just sent it into TFN.

    (Hey, Jas, could you do something to make this thread more prominent? it would be a crime for it not to be seen by everyone)

    [This message has been edited by Darth Fatuous (edited 05-02-99).]
  4. Ton Phanan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 12, 1999
    star 1
    Oh boy, that was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read.

    "The Marlon Brando plans are not in the main computer."
  5. jasman Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 1998
    star 4
    Sorry, I don't know of any way to make it any more prominent. I'm sure everyone will see it, though. You could also post it in Prequels (SA), where a lot of people would see it. It is prequel-related. And it does contain a spoiler.
  6. ez4u Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 25, 1999
    The Death Star will make you an offer you can't refuse.
    If you don't do what the emperor says, you will wake up with the head of a dewback in yor bed.
  7. MON CAL WARRIOR Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 4, 1998
    star 4
    I'm too lazy to read all that.

    Funny DF.
  8. Jeremyguy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 11, 1998
    star 4
    I love Dave Barry. ...his writing, that is. He was my hero when I wrote the humor column in my high school newspaper my senior year. So funny!

    Interestingly (to me, at least), my last three columns were titled Kauffman, Kauffman: The Editor Strikes Back, and Kauffman: Return of the Jeremy.
  9. Darth Fatuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 1999
    star 1
    I'm bringing this back up to the top, for the good of all. I wrote a semi-Dave Barry themed column (what a bizzare word) myself about waitng in line. I'll post it in a about a week.
  10. MON CAL WARRIOR Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 4, 1998
    star 4
    DF do you every go to school??

    Wait, I look like I don't go either, for the record I got today off...
  11. Darth Fatuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 1999
    star 1
    I refuse to let this thread die. Everyone should see it.
  12. MON CAL WARRIOR Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 4, 1998
    star 4
    IT's not dieing, it's just people actually have to go to work(some like CA and BOB are at work. ) or school and can't post..
  13. Darth Fatuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 1999
    star 1
    I'm at lunch, MonCal. Outta lunch money.
  14. MON CAL WARRIOR Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 4, 1998
    star 4
    Well I'm out of school today, so :p.
  15. Darth Fatuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 1999
    star 1
    Fine! Let it die! You don't know what you're mssing .
  16. JedisBlade Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 15, 1999
    Just gotta move this up for anyone who has not already seen it...you know who you are, and you're welcome.
  17. The Hair Club for Wookies Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 1999
    I do know who I am, and I am grateful.

    Hair Club
  18. Darth Fatuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 1999
    star 1
  19. Son of a Hutt Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 17, 1999
    star 1
    Am I the only one that didn't really think that it was all that funny?
  20. Elisia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 25, 1999
    star 1
    You didn't think it was funny?!?!?!
  21. trilete Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 1999
    son of a hutt - i didn't find it funny either. oh well. i'll find my humour elsewhere.
  22. trilete Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 1999
    . oops

    [This message has been edited by trilete (edited 05-06-99).]
  23. trilete Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 1999
    .

    [This message has been edited by trilete (edited 05-06-99).]
  24. JedisBlade Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 15, 1999
    I can see why they call you Trilete... Sorry.

    If you didn't find that funny, I hope you saved the receipt when you sold your soul. Get it back, then read the article again. It'll be better then. <g>

    Seriously, though, this had me ROTFLMAO.
  25. trilete Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 1999
    hmm... it would have taken up less space had i not edited the message silly me. server errors. maybe it will happen again? uh oh.

    yeah, i'll try to get my soul back so i can appreciate cozy country club humour. i think i'd actually find it funnier to watch a guy get hit in the crotch with a football - not that i find that all that funny, but i don't really like dave barry at all. i read a column by him about sushi and it also annoyed rather than amused me.

    different tastes...
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