Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by GunraysLawyer, Sep 29, 2003.

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  1. dianethx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Beautifully described as always. I could just see the preparations and nervous anticipation of all the players in this story. Dorme so wanting to do the right thing and not embarrass Ivo, the others moving like chesspieces on a board.

    Great job. Looking forward to the ball.
  2. anakin_girl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2000
    star 6
    Great descriptions--you can feel everyone's nervousness getting ready for the ball, especially Dorme's and Ivo's. If they got a gasp from the crowd just by walking in together, I'm looking forward to seeing the reaction at the unveiling of the necklace.

    It was only after she and Kanlié had made sure that the necklace?s pendant hung perfectly straight just below the base of her throat that Dormé realized that the whisper that she?d heard had been in Kalinadian and in another woman?s voice.

    That was spooky there--reminiscent of "The Red Bedroom". Very good.

    I also like your characterization of Palpatine--right on target as the manipulative piece of slime that he is. I read those paragraphs and thought, "What's he going to do to Ivo??? :mad: "

    Great post. :) Looking forward to the rest of the ball.
  3. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    Still awaiting a few comments and some time free from DRL......Soon, my friends, soon
  4. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    Ok, the next post has gone to my Beta, but, if you are reading her latest, you know that she is going to London. So, if she gets to it prior to going, it will be posted shortly. If not, it'll be a week or so.

    Finally, replies will likely go up this PM or tomorrow AM.


  5. geo3 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 29, 2002
    star 4
    Of course I wouldn't leave without doing your beta! It's done and sent.
  6. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    All right in honor of Firday the thriteenth, a new post!!!!

    Note: I'll do a double set of replies later.

    Chapter 30

    Part II Shock and Awe

    Padmé stepped down the dais? steps and away from her cool, if gracious conversation with the Lady Protectrix.

    Long memories and thin skins can be a dangerous combination in the powerful. I just wish I understood what actually happened here ten years ago, when the Kalinadians offered military assistance to Naboo and why they thought I even knew about it?

    The announcement of Dormé and Ivo, first in Kalinadian and then in Basic startled Padmé out of her thoughts. She saw a red-haired middle-aged, dark blue uniformed Kalinadian noble break from his conversation with two tan uniformed Rodians and look up at the staircase. Before she could find a spot out of the traffic flow and look at the new arrivals for herself, she watched the redhead squint slightly, look toward the dais, and then back to the stairs. His mouth started to drop open slightly, but then clamped shut as he continued to stare in the direction of the stairs.

    There?s somewhere that I can stand out of the way, Padmé thought as she spotted an empty space a few steps away, near an odd group made up of the Chancellor, an Anaxian Admiral, Master Yoda, and an older, tall, angularly thin Kalinadian in a black version of the more common blue state uniforms worn by much of the Kalinadian Nobility.

    As she approached them, she heard a low, almost strangled gasp from the Kalinadian as he stared at the staircase.

    He had gasped out one word; a word that the translator hidden in Padmé?s jewelry couldn?t translate. So, the synthesized voice simply repeated it: ?T-al-see-a?


    Calians Arhaliak had lost control. For the first time in years, he had acted without conscious thought in public.

    All because of a necklace, a brunette woman, and a man next to her in a medal bedecked dark green Indoni Rifles uniform.

    For a moment all seemed as it was more than fifty years ago, when he was fifteen. Once again, he was watching his sister descend those same stairs with an auburn-haired, Rifles officer Duke of the House Arzhan. Then as he blinked, the scene rearranged, and he noted that this woman was not Talsia, despite wearing her necklace. Her face was too round, her figure not slender enough, and she was too short. Nor was the man, despite his auburn hair and the eyes that Calians knew to be gray and the uniform, Brenkal Arzhan. No, the world marched on, and after all, Talsia had died fifty years ago.

    Slowly he sensed confusion in the harmonies of creation. It radiated from the little green Jedi master, from the Admiral, and from the woman to his right. Only the Chancellor seemed unperturbed. Instead, he seemed almost inordinately interested. All this was accompanied by an increasingly obvious silence. As he composed himself in an effort to say something, he sensed the approach of his friend, Gersalis.

    Perhaps the Church can extricate me from this?it?ll be easier than explaining?particularly if the Chancellor is the information warrior that he seems to be?

    The silence stretched awkwardly. Then, the rhythmic clip of a metal tipped cane against the marble floor and a voice speaking lilting Basic shattered it.

    ?Well, Calians, do you think that your grand-nephew deliberately planned this or is history just caught in a rhyme??

    Calians Arhaliak turned toward his friend, Gersalis and said, ?Well, Exarch, aren?t you the one who always said that the Gods are poets??

    Calians watched his friend smile impishly and say, ?Yes, I seem to recall being very fond of that phrase at one time.?

    ?Minister?? interrupted the Supreme Chancellor.

    ?I am sorry, Chancellor,? Calians lilted, ?This is Gersalis Exarch Ardedes, Chaplin to the Arzhan.?

    As Gersalis bowed slightly, Calians paused. Then, taking a deep breath, he said, ?I was somewhat startled by my grand-nephew, the Duke, and Lady Lankrerrie?s powerf
  7. laurethiel1138 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 6, 2003
    star 4
    Am I first?

    Yay! First reply!

    GL, what a post!

    I hope to see Dormé and Ivo's point of view of the events, too. Will it be part of next post?


    Lauré :)
  8. qingauk Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2002
    star 4
    oh boy and update.. and a good one as usual. Great job on the tension here. I loved the ending :) very cool.
    Well the premiere in Boston last night was awsome and depressing. This movie is heart breaking and pulls at your gut something fierce. Beware...
  9. QueenSabe7 Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 23, 2001
    star 6
    Finally it's announced :)

    Im sure we will see the announcement through Dorme's and Ivo's P.O.V next, which should be interesting as always. I got so excited for them. :p

    Elica and her friends need to grow up. :mad:

    Great post!
  10. Arriss Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2002
    star 4
    Long memories and thin skins can be a dangerous combination in the powerful. I just wish I understood what actually happened here ten years ago, when the Kalinadians offered military assistance to Naboo and why they thought I even knew about it?

    Well, you?re a bold Senator ? ASK! Misunderstandings can carry on for a longgg time (as evidenced here) if they?re not straightened out. It would certainly ease the tension if Padmé took the diplomatic course and talked to Ge Harza.

    That must have been hard on Calians to watch as Ivo and Dormé made their entrance. Not to mention confusing as he drifted back into the past. But considering his connection it?s understandable.

    ?He?s a very strange man. The harmonies are surging around him, but they never settle into one theme. Odd.?

    Gersalis may be the one to figure out Palpy?s true nature. ;) Better watch yourself, Palps.

    I admit ? Elica and her cronies? behavior doesn?t surprise me and it rings clearly of petty jealousy. Someone, all of them, need to get a life. :p We always want most what we know we can?t have.

    Poor Anakin. [face_laugh] He?s about to have the evening of his dreams but he doesn?t know it yet. [face_love] Good thing Obi-Wan turned down the offer to join them, but I?m sure Arlotra knew the Jedi Master would. :D

    In her deepest heart, a small flame of jealousy flared in Padmé. Despite the snippet of japoor worn under her dress against her skin, she envied Dormé.

    Why am I sure that I will never have a moment like this? Stop it, get control of yourself. This is her night. I need to help her celebrate.

    Just wait, Padmé?just wait? [face_love]

    And then we have Bail raining on the parade ? thank you *so* much. :p Oh, I know he?s right but still it?s Dormé and Ivo?s moment of triumph.

    Eagerly awaiting the next post. :)
  11. PadawanKitara Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    Just before the wine glass reached her mouth, she said, ?Of course not, Elainia. Whatever could you be thinking?? As I read that line, all I could think of was how she would get the shock of her petty life when she saw the necklace or heard the announcement. My hope was that she would drop the wineglass and spill wine down her expensive ballgown. I was so happy when the end of the post mentioned a glass shattering somewhere behind Padme. [face_devil]
  12. MissPadme Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 9, 1998
    star 4
    So how are Anakin and Padmé going to have a proper reunion with all of these nosy people around ;)?

    I can understand Padmé having moments of envy for Dormé. She is able to be open with Ivo in a way Padmé cannot be with Anakin. (The humble japor snippet hidden beneath a dress as opposed to the glittering jewels Dormé proudly wears on her neck.) What she says at the end to Bail is of course, prescient.

  13. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    Hello all,

    As my Beta is in London, and this is now pratically ROTS day, I thought that I would post to tell my readers who are going to midnight showings to enjoy the show....

    More likely next week.

    So, lots of time for all of you lurkers to comment!
  14. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    Yes, yes, I know, it's been ten days since anything of substance happened here....

    Replies tonight or tomorrow AM. (I hope ;) )
  15. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    A quick annoucement....

    Life has been insanely hectic. So, I am forced to decide between finishing the next post and doing replies.....

    Assuming that you want more, and given that some have yet to reply ***cough***Sophronia***cough***Geo***cough***

    I though that writing made more sense than replying.

    With luck, I'll get it to the Beta today and have the next post up before the holiday weekend (depending on her schedule of course, ;) ).

  16. Sophronia Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 4, 2004
    star 1
    Replying at last, and back by two chapters I see...

    On Chapter 30 pt I:

    I like seeing the recounting of the dinner with Dormé and her parents through Ivo's eyes. Dormé could have probably given a better sense of what her family's reaction to the dinner was, but I found Ivo's perspective to be the more interesting.

    And Palpatine puts on his party face...

    His meditations had revealed little of the Kalinadian role in the entire affair, other than that the young Arzhan would be tremendously important at some time in the future to the progress of Sidious?s plan. Frustratingly, the Force had refused to describe how, when or why to Sidious, except for the fact that his true importance would come only after his father?s death.

    Sidious sighed.

    Nothing worthwhile comes easily.

    So would a Sith Master feel that the only way to figure out Ivo's potential would be to kill his father?

    At the ball I especially like Ivo's inarticulate, but very expressive reaction to his fist sight of Dormé. Their entry was beautifully done and (to leap ahead a chapter) the touch of the breaking glass very fitting.

    Over all I think this was one of your best chapters in how it was written, its pacing and how it reads. Very enjoyable.

    On Chapter 30 pt II:

    And the reaction Ivo and Dormé's entrance received was everything Ivo could have hoped for. He does seem a bit ambitious in not only turning the upper echelon of Kalinadian society on its head, but at the same event orchestrating a covert reunion between Padmé and Anakin under the noses of the Jedi (not to mention a few Sith). And he will probably pull it off, though I suspect Palpatine will notice parts of the latter plot.

    Interesting that in a few moments the Kalinadian Force master has not only become suspicious of Palpatine, but has also noticed Padmé's interest in Anakin and Obi-Wan.

    I like the introduction of more of the (to this story) tangential Kalinadians. They make your elements of this universe richer and more alive.

    Elica and her group are an amusing bunch. Will they enjoy the rest of the ball quietly, or will we enjoy some catty behavior on their part?

    Poor Anakin. Poor Padmé.

    ..., the Kalinadian leaned in and whispered, ?She?ll be there soon enough, don?t worry.?

    To his credit, Anakin managed to control his shock, and asked, ?She who??

    Arlotra simply said, ?Don?t be stupid, Anakin. You have loyal friends. ...

    And no one seems to have given Anakin the details of Ivo's plan. Did he know there was a plan?

    I look forward to their reunion, and as always await your next post.

  17. Darth_Lex Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 17, 2002
    star 4
    Posting to let you know I've caught back up. ;)

    Loved all the little machinations leading up to the ball. (It's finally here! :eek: ) Can't wait to see how you play them all out as we go along.

    The Kalinadians' reactions to the necklace are priceless. [face_laugh]

    I particularly enjoyed the two old fogies talking too. For some reason that just had the perfect flair to it. ;)

    Looking forward to the next post.
  18. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    Since it's really late, half of my promised replies and then on the morrow, the rest of the replies and a new post!!!!

    Replies to Chapter 30, Part I

    Geo3--- Yes, you did get the first reply, but beyond that it appears you had not much to say. ;)

    qingauk--- Thank you , thank you, and thank you again. I aim to please.

    PadawanKitara--- Thanks, and as I once said to the players in an RPG I was running, "If you can't close your eyes and see it all, I'm not doing my job."

    Oh, and on another matter, I understand they did dub him with Michael Crawford.

    MissPadme--- Your wait will soon be over.

    laurethiel1138--- Let us say that such an introduction is bound to state clearly that Ivo loves her, if he's willing to "simply" be her escort for the night. I hope the meaning of such a statement won't escape the notice of the crowd here assembled.

    It didn't.

    Thank you for your praise, but I do hope that you dried your palms.

    QueenSabe7--- I don't disagree on teh Handmaidens.

    As for Dorme v. Elica...a cat fight would be almost too cliche, Wouldn't it? :eek: [face_beatup] [face_idea] [face_devil]

    Alethia--- Thank you, and yes, Ivo does know how to set up an entrance or an ambush, I leave it to you to decide which you've witnessed.

    Arriss--- Thank you, I am glad that you're enjoying. See above on the subject of the entrance.

    dianethx--- Thank you so much for all your kind words.

    anakin_girl--- Thanks so much, and I hope that all is and remains well.

    As to Palpatine...More fun with him to come.

    Okay, the replies to Chapter 30, Part II and the new post Chapter 30, Part III, Through the Couple's eyes in the morning.
  19. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    As promised more replies.....

    Replies to Chapter 30 Part II:

    laurethiel1138--- Thanks and as to your question: Sort of.

    qingauk--- Thank you, and I am glad that the charity premiere was worth it.

    QueenSabe7--- You may see more and less than you expect from the Couple in question.

    Elica...Grow up... 8-} ;)

    Arriss--- Yes, misunderstandings can last a long time, but the problem with your suggested course of action is that Padme has no idea what happened and didn't know of the offer until just before she left for Naboo with Anakin in this work.

    What, Elica is not the beloved symbol of everything bright and beautiful in Kalinadian Womanhood??

    8-} She'd be very surprised.

    More on Palpatine and Padme later.

    PadawanKitara--- Well, lets just say that great minds may think alike....

    MissPadme--- P/A reunions...we'll see.

    Yes, Padme's envy is understandabale as is her self-chastisement.

    Sophronia--- FIrst thank you for all your comments.

    Hmm...Palpatine killing Ge-Harza as a way of figuring out Ivo's role ...Yes, he might think of it, but it would have to be very subtle and rely on the known weraknesses of his adversaries...i.e. the Jedi Trap idea from the ROTS novelization. We'll have to wait and see if it plays out...

    Ambitious, Ivo? Nah, he's just a natural over-acheiver, and he knows his potential opponents very, very well...

    Has anyone told Anakin... Not all the details, but that there is a plan of sorts and that Ivo will help him obtain his objectives, yes. Anakin will likely be surprised at the numbe rof people involved.

    As for the Kalinadians noticing things, well connection with the world does remove some blind spots, even if it adds others.

    Oh, and catty behavior is almost a certainty.

    Darth_Lex---- Welcome back! I'd thought the Beyond the Saga Board had swallowed you whole.

    I am glad that your enjoying, but there was some muttering amongst the cast at the use of the word fogies. ;) 8-}

    Now, in the next posting, a New POST

  20. GunraysLawyer Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2003
    star 4
    As promised, A NEW POST, it's short, but sweet...

    Chapter 30 Part III Through the Couple?s eyes

    Dormé gasped through her smile as first silence than noise roiled across the ballroom. Ivo gently squeezed her fingers. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He was simply grinning widely and apparently enjoying himself to no end.

    Looking out over the ballroom again, she noticed the uniformed, middle-aged, red-haired man two steps below them and slightly to their left. Dormé wasn?t sure who he was. Based on his position within three meters of the Protector, she assumed that he was a high-ranking Kalinadian Noble. What had drawn her attention was his reaction. He had not joined in the applause, both polite and enthusiastic, ringing through the room. He was surprised, verging on shocked. He seemed to looked at the two of them, and then over their heads toward the Protector with visible disbelief. Dormé began to feel uneasy.

    He?s looking for some sign that it?s a joke or that Ivo?s parents don?t approve or that the marriage will be morganatic?How will he react when he finds out that none of those things is true?

    Suddenly, her unease faded. An oddly warm confidence replaced it. It was a confidence inspired by an abiding sense of the utter improbability of defeat. It felt ? smelled - tasted of Ivo.

    Awfully sure of yourself?

    Her thought was interrupted by a controlled snort, and the thought, you worry too much, trust me?

    Before she could respond, she heard the clip-clop boot soles and heels on the marble floor behind her and to her left. Before she could turn, Ge-Harza Arzhan had circled around her and now stood just ahead of her and to her left. As she pulled slightly against Ivo?s grip in an effort to turn toward him, the Protector grasped the fingers of her left hand in his right and bent forward as he raised her hand.

    What?s he?

    Ge-Harza?s lips gently brushed the back of Dormé?s hand just behind her knuckles. As he lifted his head away from her hand, his gray eyes locked onto her brown, and he said, ?Welcome to my family, my lady.?

    ?Thank you,? Dormé whispered as the applause grew louder. How will I ever live up to this?

    Another thought, not her own, but not entirely foreign, drifted through her mind, don?t worry, you will.

    As her future father-in-law drew away from her, Dormé looked out over the crowd. The expressions that she could see ranged from enthusiastic approval from Anselian Pharskarel and Korva Arlotra to polite neutrality on the part of many of the Kalinadian Nobles and dignitaries to a few cold stares. Finally, her eyes settled on Padmé. Padmé seemed to be amongst the enthusiastic, but there was something off about her stance and look. It was as if her attention was constantly being called elsewhere. Then she saw a man that she recognized as Lieutenant Artoras walk up to Padmé and begin to speak to her. No, she thought, He?s Ivo?s friend Genty?Need to remember not to be too formal in family or friendly circles, the Kalinadians consider it bad form.

    Dormé had virtually no time to think more about this as Ivo began to move down the steps and toward the crowd. He steered them toward the redheaded skeptic in the blue uniform, who had been joined by an older, more angular man in black. Both men looked up at them.

    Slowly, in an accent more like the Herald?s than Ivo?s, the redheaded man said, ?Congratulations, your Grace.? He seemed to Dormé too flummoxed to be insincere, but certainly not boiling over with enthusiasm. She felt Ivo?s pace slow, and adjusted to it. They managed to stop together cleanly, even gracefully.

    ?Thank you, Excellency,? Ivo said directly. ?May I introduce my fiancée??

    Without awaiting any sort of response, Ivo turned to her, and said, ?Dormé Lady Lankrerrie, Zarik Arkodda, Count Dendri, first cousin to my father. You?ve already met his younger son, Corlashilon.? As Ivo finished, Dormé was struck by a thought, All ri
  21. laurethiel1138 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 6, 2003
    star 4
    [Edit: First post! Again!]

    I loved it!

    I especially liked the touch about Kalinadian etiquette. Who would have thought that being formal was actually being impolite?

    Though, on reflection, my mom always calls me by my full name when she is angry with me, so I guess that makes sense...


    Lauré :)
  22. dianethx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Loved the whole formality of it. I used to watch lots of old movies about nobles and dances and derring-do. This reminds me so much of them. Beautifully done as always. I especially liked the way Ivo told Dorme not to curtsey to that one man - very subtle.

    Great job. Even though I don't respond every time, I'm still reading. RL and all, you know.
  23. qingauk Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2002
    star 4
    What a lovely lesson in courtesy. I am impressed by your ability to 'create' a world so complete with social rules and all! Excellent! I await the next installment. School work calls.. winding down at a furious rate.
  24. geo3 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 29, 2002
    star 4
    By the Maker, you?re right; I have fallen behind in my replies quite shockingly. Apologies. Going through my notes I see that I?ve picked out many of the same highlights as your other readers, particularly Sophronia.

    Overall, this is beautiful writing. You have a gift for capturing the intimate moments that take place between people and inside of people while other things are going on around them. It gives your stories an extraordinarily rich quality. And you know what they say about rich things? they lead to addiction?:p I realized in reading through these posts again that the story is slowly moving toward its end, and I don?t want it to!

    I?m going to frame my reply in terms of some of these Intimate Moments.

    Chapter 30 Part I ?And so, it begins?

    Intimate moment #1. As Sophronia put it,?Palpatine puts on his Party Face?

    Now, time to ready myself to play the kindly old man all night?

    This is such a nice inside/outside glimpse of the Evil One. He?s a minor character in this story, but always there in the background. It?s so interesting to know that even he is not finding all this easy, and that the splendid Kalinadians persist in being a ?wild card? in his plans.

    Good! [face_devil]

    Intimate moment #2. the Pendant and the whisper

    It was only after she and Kanlié had made sure that the necklace?s pendant hung perfectly straight just below the base of her throat that Dormé realized that the whisper that she?d heard had been in Kalinadian and in another woman?s voice.

    I think it?s your loving attention to detail that makes these moments stand out ? the perfect positioning of the pendant in the midst of a mysterious whisper from the past. Marvelous.

    Intimate moment #3. Carefully, she unwrapped the shawl. Dormé blushed as she heard Ivo inhale sharply.

    This is a wonderful and sexy moment between Dorme and Ivo, and most gratifyingly rendered from both points of view.

    Ivo watched as Dormé almost teasingly removed the wrap. He heard himself inhale at the vision before him. Dormé stood before him in a not quite ivory and not quite buff, off-the shoulder floor-brushing gown. Just below the junction of her neck and shoulders hung the pendant of the Kalinas.

    ?You are a perfect vision of beauty,? Ivo gasped out.

    He grinned as she looked down, blushing. Enraptured as he was, Ivo heard the Herald stepping toward them. She heard it as well as she looked up at him. ?Are you ready?? Ivo whispered.

    ?I was born ready!? Dormé replied with a nervous smirk.

    LOL! Brilliant, Dormé! OK. She can have my Ivo. I think she?s worthy. :cool:

    Chapter 30 part II ?Shock and Awe?

    Caliens is a particularly interesting character. He?s the living link between Talisa and Dormé, of course ? the only one who carries the living memory of the necklace being walked down those same stairs by both women, generations apart. In a few brush strokes over a few scenes you?ve fleshed him out so well ? his wit, his intelligence and astute observations, his role in the family ? AND his reaction to Palpatine?s effect on the ?harmonies of creation.?

    Intimate moment #4. The necklace returns

    Calians Arhaliak had lost control. For the first time in years, he had acted without conscious thought in public.

    All because of a necklace, a brunette woman, and a man next to her in a medal bedecked dark green Indoni Rifles uniform.

    Even though there is a lot going on elsewhere in this scene, I had the momentary sense of a frozen moment in time for Caliens himself. Again, you depicted it in few words that despite their reserve convey not only insight but deep feeling.

    Intimate moment #5. ?Don?t be stupid, Anakin. You have loyal friends. Now, hurry up or you won?t have a drink in hand for the main event.?

    I loved Anakin?s confusion. It made me think about just how different his experience among the Jedi must be from the lifelong camaraderie and fel
  25. MissPadme Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 9, 1998
    star 4
    Sorry it took a couple of days! You need to do a whole Kalinidian encyclopaedia or something. The details you've come up with for this culture are pretty amazing.

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