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Spam Wars!!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Jedi15, Dec 19, 1999.

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  1. Jedi15

    Jedi15 Jedi Youngling star 4

    Nov 7, 1999
    Spoiler Warning: This takes place after Crisis at Crystal Reef.

    Jaina, Jacen, Tenel Ka, Lowie, Zekk, and Anja are at the river, sitting around on the banks. Suddenly, a thermal detonator is thrown into their midst. Before the Jedi can react, it explodes and envelops them in a cloud of smoke.

    When they awake the YJK find themselves in a large room. Luke and Mara are still unconscious in a corner of the room. A screen on the wall lights up, and Callista appears.

    Jaina: Callista! Thank goodness, can you get us out of here?

    Callista: (smiling maniacally) Who do you think put you there?

    Jacen: Jealous Trekkies?

    Callista: No! I put you there, to punish them.

    Jacen: (confused) Punish the Trekkies?

    Callista: No! To punish their unholy union.

    Jacen: What union? I thought the Tre-

    Callista: No, you moron! Luke and Mara! He was mine first!

    Mara: (who had just woken up) 'Fraid not, Callie. I was trying to kill him long before you murdered Cray to escape from your little computer home.

    Callista: Exactly! You were trying to kill him! You don't deserve Luke!

    Mara: You've been dead for at least thirty years! Why should you get to come back and steal my man?

    Luke: (who has been awakened by the noise of a soon-to-be-catfight) It's okay, ladies, there's enough of me to go-

    Callista and Mara: Shut up, Luke!

    Callista: As I was saying, he was mine first!

    Mara: That is such bull! I saw him in Jabba's court, when you didn't even know he existed.

    Zekk: Um, sorry to interrupt, but why are we here?

    Callista: Oh, yeah. You all are still here. I've decided to put Luke and Mara in a quarantine of sorts until he changes his mind and marries me.

    Mara: Why should he? You left him!

    Callista:I had my reasons! Anyway, to speed up Luke's return to me, I will be sending you the most horrible, most despicable torture known in our galaxy.

    All: What?

    Callista: Bad Fan Fiction! with the occasional piece of spam for variety.

    All: No! It's inhuman!

    Callista: Yes, bad fan fic and spam. Luke will be mine after the first story!

    Anja: Hey, you still haven't told us why we're here. (gesturing to herself and the YJK)

    Callista: Because I didn't want you all to be around as a rescuing party. Any further questions?

    Luke: Just two. a)Where are we? b)How did we get here?

    Callista: (batting her eyelashes at Luke) You're in one of the old temple, but far away from the main academy that no one can sense you. There's also ysalamiri surrounding this temple to prevent any contact with the outside. I was able to gather you all together with the help of my assistant.

    Lando steps out of the shadows behind Callista.

    All: Lando?!

    Luke: Lando, you've gotta get us out of here. I'll use the Force to convince the New Republic to drop that Ewok sexual harassment suit!

    Lando: Tempting, but no. I've got my own little agenda; I want Mara.

    Mara: What? I thought you got over that. Besides, I was never interestd.

    Lando: Maybe not, but you will be!

    Mara: No I won't.

    Lando: Yes you will.

    Mara: No I won't.

    Lando: Yes you will.

    Mara: No I won't.

    Lando: Yes you will.

    Mara: No I won't.

    Callista: Ah-hem, I believe that's enough. Lando, come with me, we're going to find a truly terrible piece of fan fiction for them to read.

    Lando: This isn't over Mara, you will!

    The screen flickers, and they disappear.

    Anja: Well, as long as we're stuck here; Zekk, Jacen, come with me!

    Zekk and Jacen: Umm...(looking at Jaina and Tenel Ka)

    Jaina: Tell her.

    Zekk: Well, Anja, it's like this. Jaina and I kinda have a thing, so I don't think I should be spending so much time with you.

    Anja: Okay...Jacen?

    Jacen: It's like that with me and Tenel Ka too. I woulda told you, but we've had to keep these things secret.

    Anja: Why?

    Tenel Ka: What would people say? The heir to the richest sector in the galaxy and the Chief of State's son? Can we say "paparazzi"?

    Anja: Well...

    Jaina: Same with me and Zekk. I mean, the most powerful woman in the known galaxy's daughter shacking up with a street kid? The press would be all over us!

    Zekk: Thanks, sweetheart.

    Jaina: Sorry, baby, you
  2. TheLastApocalypse

    TheLastApocalypse Jedi Padawan star 4

    Dec 3, 1999
    Oh sorry, I thought I was in Misc!


    It's good, so POST!!!

    [This message has been edited by TheLastApocalypse (edited 12-19-1999).]
  3. Jedi15

    Jedi15 Jedi Youngling star 4

    Nov 7, 1999
    Everyone's sitting around the main room, doing pretty much nothing. Jacen is braiding Tenel Ka's hair, and Tenel Ka seems somewhat worried about the consequences. Luke is asleep, and snoring loudly. Mara had invested in earplugs, which the others seem to be jealous of.

    Callista appears on the screen with Lando at her side.

    Callista: Hello, my prisoners. I have something for you to read.

    Mara: Callista, this is childish. Will you please come to your senses and-

    Callista: No, I will not. If this is how I'm going to be treatd, then I'll just leave.

    The screen starts to flicker out, but then comes back.

    Callista: I almost forgot, wake up Luke. As much as I love him, he has to go through this too.

    Luke: I'm awake, and have been since I heard the voice of the most beautiful creature in the galaxy.

    Callista: Why, Luke, if I had known then--

    Mara: Shut up, Callista, he's talking about me.

    Mara and Luke do the goo-goo eyes thing. Everyone else gags for a minute and then gets over it.

    Callista: Fine then, enjoy your story!

    The image of Callista on the screen is replaced by text.


    Jacen: I've got a bad feeling feeling about this.

    Jaina: Stop that! We've got too many over-used catch phrases as it is; don't drag that one out of the closet!

    Jacen: Sorry.

    >>Jaina Solo was sitting on the temple one day thinkiing: does Zekk love me as much as I love him? I will ask.

    >>So Jaina got up and went to go find Zekk. She found him.

    Jaina: Do I really need to point out what's wrong with those first few lines?

    Zekk: No, I think it's fairly obvious.

    >>"Zekk, Zekk, there is something I must know." Jaina said.

    >>"What is it Jaina?" asked Zekk.

    >>"Do you love me Zekk?" Jaina asked him.

    Jaina: Because that is the kind of thing someone would ask without any kind of warning, or any prior thought.

    Jacen: There was prior thought.

    Jaina: You consider that 'thought'?

    Jacen: Well, no, but it's your character that's stupid enough to ask it.

    Jaina: Just wait until we get to you.


    Zekk: Why am I screaming?

    Jaina: Proclaiming your love for me gives you a happy?

    Zekk: I guess.


    Jaina: That is so not how we got together.

    Zekk: Yeah, and why are we all in caps?

    Jaina: To emphasize the screaming, of course.

    Zekk: For those who can't understand how screaming alone can be irritating?

    Jaina: No, just the author who can't get a point across unless it's in all caps.


    >>Jacen was in his room with his animals. He was feeding his animals. Jacen likes his animals. Then one of his animals bite him. Jacen said "ow" and gave the animal that bited him more food.

    Jacen: Why do I have to be in this story! I thought it was about you two! (pointing to Jaina and Zekk)

    Zekk: Misery loves company.

    >>"that will keep you from biting me" said Jacen

    >>Then Tenel Ka came into Jacen room. This made Jacen happy. Jacen loved Tenel Ka but she did not know.

    Tenel Ka: Damn it! Should have known I'd get tied in if he was there.

    Jacen: I love you too, Tenel Ka.

    >>"Tenel KA!" he says "what are you doing here?"

    >>Tenel Ka looks at Jacen. She thinks he is so cute. "I am here Jacen." she says because she is nervous but is good at not showing nervous.

    >>"Ok." said Jacen. he stared at Tenel Ka because he think she is pretty. He think about telling her but he is scared she will beat him up because she is very very very very very very much stronger than him.

    Luke: Only one 'very' needed to get the point across.

    Jacen: And that's not true! I'm just as strong as--

    Tenel Ka: Jacen? Think about what you're saying before I hurt you.

    Jacen: Okay, so you're stronger. But I'm pretty buff. I've been working out, right?

    Tenel Ka: (laughing to herself) Whatever you say.

    >>Tenel Ka take a deap breath. She is going to tell Javen she likes him. "Jacen" she say "I think you are cute."

    >>"REally?" Jacen is surprised. He decide to tell Tenel Ka
  4. Kitana_Adler

    Kitana_Adler Jedi Youngling

    Nov 7, 1999
    This is very very very very funny!!!!!!!!! Please please please please PLEASE continue!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Jedi15

    Jedi15 Jedi Youngling star 4

    Nov 7, 1999
    The only people in the main room are Tenel Ka and Jacen. Everyone else is off doing whatever it is they do when they aren't being written about. Jacen's sitting on the floor, and Tenel Ka's on a laptop computer next to him.

    Tenel Ka: No, no, no! Stupid people, make up your minds!

    Jacen: The who and the what now?

    Tenel Ka: (glances up from her computer screen) These fan fiction writers! It's all because of KJA's little 'let's cut off Tenel Ka's arm so I can have a semi-original plot thing'! If I don't have an arm already by my amazing regenerative powers, I've got a prosthetic. Or they don't even mention it! It's so irritating.

    Jacen: So what'd the person who's writing us now stick you with?

    Tenel Ka: Apparently, she couldn't make up her mind; it seems to flicker in and out of existence.

    Jacen: How's she justifying that?

    Tenel Ka: She lives in her world, and the Star Wars canon is in another.

    Jacen: Where does that leave us?

    Tenel Ka: We go back and forth.

    The screen on the far side of the room lights up, and Callista appears.

    Callista: Well? Where is everybody?

    Jacen: Dunno. We don't exactly have set meeting times, and we try to avoid being in the same room together simultaneously.

    Callista: So go get them!

    Jacen: I can't.

    Callista: Why not?

    Jacen: That would require getting up.

    Callista: Okay; Tenel Ka, you get everyone.

    Tenel Ka: He's closer.

    Jacen: But I'm so tired!

    Callista: Tired from what? All you do here is eat, sleep, and complain. Doesn't seem like very hard work to me.

    Jacen: (muttering) Slave driver.

    Jacen gets up and leaves to call the others. When he returns, Mara and Luke are noticeably absent.

    Callista: Jacen, where's my Luke?

    Jacen: (looks uncomfortable) Um, he and Aunt Mara were kind of in the middle of something. They'll be here in a second.

    Callista: In the middle of what?

    Jaina: Come on, Callista. They are married.

    Just as smoke begins to rise from Callista's ears, Luke and Mara appear, looking somewhat disheveled.

    Callista: That's it! You're just going to hate this story.

    Without another word, Callista closes her connection, and the first lines of a story come onto the screen.

    >>All the YJKs are eating and a big ship appears over head.

    >>All: *look up*

    Lowie: Failing to mention, of course, that there is a ceiling in the cafeteria, but I guess that's just a moot point.

    Zekk: What kind of point?

    Lowie: It's when--Oh, never mind.

    Anja: What's the title?

    Mara: I don't think there is a title.

    Luke: It's probably better that way.

    >>Jaina:...Wow.....Big ship...Real Big Ship..That Ship is Really Big

    >>Jacen: Yah......whatever...

    Jacen: Seems your a bit lacking in the vocab department, sis.

    Jaina: You do, of course, know that 'yah' is not an actual word, right?

    Jacen: Irregardless--

    Jaina That's not a word either.

    Jacen: I'll shut up now.

    Zekk: Sure, that's what you said last time.

    >>Tenel Ka: *slaps Jacen* Don't act like a Vally Girl. Thats my thing. You can't have it.

    Tenel Ka: I'm not a valley girl!

    Anja: You are at heart, and that's all that matters.

    Lowie: That makes no sense.

    Anja: That's not the point.

    Lowie: Then what is the point?

    Tenel Ka: The point is at the end of my dagger, and if you aren't careful, I'll make it quite clear.

    Luke: What dagger?

    Tenel Ka: You heard nothing.

    >>Zekk: That is a cool ship....Hay that ship is pretty big.

    >>Anja: *thinks: I wounder if I can steal that ship*

    Mara: How do you plan on stealing it if it's not on the ground?

    Anja: I don't know; don't treat me as if I actually identify with the character the author's writing about!

    Jaina: Anja, you are the character the author's writing about.

    >>Lowie: *growls*

    >>MTD:........No comment

    >>Jacen: What did he say?

    >>MTD: No comment..thats what he said. I belive that he was referring to Master Zekks comment that the ship was big. I have no idea why he would say no comment but he did.

    Lowie: That makes some good sense.

    Tenel Ka: Point taken; let us all move on.

    >>*The Really Big Cool Ship starts
  6. callista35

    callista35 Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jan 9, 1999
  7. Jedi15

    Jedi15 Jedi Youngling star 4

    Nov 7, 1999
    Everyone's in the main room. Luke and Mara are in a corner together, Zekk and Lowie are taking apart a small computer. Jacen and Tenel Ka are playing cards while simultaneously staring into each other's eyes. Anja is watching them, scowling. Jaina's reading a copy of Zahn's Vision of the Future.

    Jaina, heaving a dramatic sigh, throws the book down. Seeing no response from her companions, she picks the book up again and throws it down harder. This time Mara looks up.

    Mara: What is it?

    Jaina: I don't know why so many people like that book!

    Luke: What's wrong with it? Mara and I wouldn't be together if it weren't for that book.

    Jaina: It's not that! I love you and Mara together. I mean, she's way better than Callista. (shudders)

    Mara: So what's wrong with the book?

    Jaina: Well, it's the book where you and Luke get together. But there's almost no romance.

    Mara: That's because Star Wars isn't about romance. If our fans really wanted that sort of thing, they'd write about it themselves.

    Luke: They do write about it themselves.

    Mara: Point taken. But if it was all about romance, then Star Wars books wouldn't sell. That kind of thing is boring to some people, you know.

    Jaina: True, but I wanted smoochies! And a wedding. And everyone's reaction when they found out.

    Luke: Don't worry; some fan fiction writer with little to no life will come along and--

    Mara: Luke, be careful! We are in a fan fic right now, and it might not be wise to--

    Luke: Bah! What's he gonna do? It's not like he can do anything bad to me.

    Just then, Luke's hair begins to change color. As Luke's body also shrinks and changes shape, he makes assorted cries for help. When the transformation is complete, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker has assumed the form of a small, pink rabbit.

    Mara: Told ya so.

    Luke bounces around, sniffing in vain attempts to make noise. Jacen and Tenel Ka look up from their cards and notice him.

    Jacen: Hey, Lowie, dinner time!

    A petrified Rabbit-Luke jumps into Mara's lap. She glares at Jacen.

    Mara: Is that really necessary?

    Jacen: No, but it's fun.

    Before Mara can say anything else, the giant scren lights up, revealing Callista with a dejected Lando behind her.

    Callista: You can't imagine how wonderful it isn't to see you all again. I'm sure you'll just hate this story.

    Mara: Come on Callie, can't we be reasonable about this? Because of our situation, Luke's turned into a house pet, and we have to read these vile stories.

    Callista: Luke's a what? (seeing the pink rabbit) Oh. Well, the current writer owes me for making me the villain here, so I guess I could ask him to change him back.

    Mara: Please do. He's no good to me with fur.

    Callista closes the connection for a minute, and when she comes back on screen Luke begins to change back.

    Luke: Thanks, Callista. I'm not leaving Mara, but at least I'm not a rabbit.

    Callista: It's my pleasure.

    Jaina: Hey, Lando, what's wrong with you?"

    Callista: (frowns) He's run up a huge bill on my credit card. I've got to go fix it.

    Lando: But they were on sale!

    Callista: I don't care if they were on sale; don't you ever go near that store again!

    Zekk: As uninteresting as this is, aren't we going to read the story?

    Callista: Yes, you are. Good-bye!

    Her image fades as text begins to scroll down.

    >>love potions the misadventures of super lowie

    Lowie: This can only bring me pain.

    >>luke and callista are in a room

    >>luke say callista i love you

    >>i love you too callista darling luke say back

    >>doo da doo de doo

    Mara: Luke! How dare you fall under the influence of a love potion?

    Luke: I'm sorry; it's the author, not me.

    Mara: You will make this up to me later.

    Luke: (gulps) Sure thing, honey.

    >>lando i never realized how handsome you are mara say

    >>i know lando say back

    >>doo da doo de doo

    Lowie: What the hell?

    Zekk: If you can't bedazzle with brilliance, then baffle with bull****.

    >>oh anja i love you soooooooooo much jacen say

    >>i love you to jace anja say back

    >>doo da doo de doo

    Tenel Ka: Jacen, y
  8. Opie Wan Cannoli

    Opie Wan Cannoli Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jun 10, 1999
  9. Bullwinkle

    Bullwinkle Jedi Padawan star 4

    Dec 14, 1999
    Sorta like MST3K, eh?
  10. Kenobi Maul

    Kenobi Maul Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 23, 1999
    This is, without a doubt, the most funny fan-fic ever!
  11. Jedi15

    Jedi15 Jedi Youngling star 4

    Nov 7, 1999
    Everyone's sitting around, not doing anything. Lando appears on screen, sans Callista.

    Mara: Did Callista finally get a clue?

    Lando: Oh, my beloved Mara. A thousand times I hath dreamed of this selfsame moment in time, for to me your absence is like a--

    Luke: Lando, I don't know what you're saying, and I don't care, but if you ever come anywhere near my wife, so help me I'll--

    Lando: Point taken. Callista's meeting with some people from the credit card compant and told me to give you all the story.

    Lowie: So, you're saying she's gone because of your shopping disaster?

    Lando: (sobs) It's not my fault! I just had to buy them!

    Anja; Okay now, cry on your own time; we gotta get this over with.

    Lando, still sniffling, nods and brings the story on screen in place of himself.

    >>The Begining of the Trekkies!!!!!!!!!

    Mara: This is never a good sign.

    Zekk: Not to offend any fans, but Star Trek really does suck.

    Jaina: You mean because of the lame special effects, or the lack thereof?

    Jacen: The oatmeal-on-the-face instead of something that actually looks cool?

    Tenel Ka: Watch it, Jacen. Your mother did have cinnamon buns on her ears in ANH.

    Luke: Yeah, but at least there was always food on the set.

    >>Everyone is sitting by a river when Anja pricks her finger on a porcupine quill. She bleeds tu death!!!!!!!!!

    Anja: How did I bleed to death from a porcupine quill?

    Lowie: Anja, please, you're dead, don't spoil the moment.

    >>Zekk and Jacen try tu bring her back tu life by kissin her!!!!!!!!

    Tenel Ka: Jacen! Didn't I warn you about that?

    Jacen: It's not my fault! Don't hurt me; hurt the author! Besides, Zekk was in on it too!

    Zekk: Don't even try to bring me down with you.

    Jaina: You shouldn't sound so confident, Zekk; you're only saved because I know you'll make it up to me later.

    >>Jaina and Tenel Ka get angry and beat them up!!!!

    Tenel Ka: And they deserve it!

    >>"Take that!!!!

    >>and that!!!!

    >>and that!!!!

    Luke: I get the point! You don't need to be so redundant all the time! Say it once, and only one "!" is needed!

    >>and that!!!!

    >>Lowie nephew of the great wonderful magnificent Chewie walks by!!!!!!

    Lowie: And here I thought I'd been spared.

    >>and That!!!!

    >>Take that!!!!

    >>and that!!!!

    >>and that!!!!

    >>and that!!!!

    >>and that!!!!

    Anja: Wait, during all of the taking of that, I forgot what was going on.

    Mara: There was something going on?

    Anja: Shouldn't there have been?

    Mara: Not in this story.

    >>The boys are mistereiously transported tu Endor

    Luke: Because without extremely advanced technology, we can do stuff like that.

    Jaina: No, we can't.

    Luke: Sarcasm, Jaina, sarcasm.

    >>where they are kidnapped by Ewoks who are singing"Yuum Yum Yuum Yum Yuum Yum Yuum Yum Yuum Yum Yuum Yum" and just as they were about tu be eatin they are transported to Earth!!!!!!

    Jacen: What just happened?

    Zekk: We may never know.

    >>Where they become singing purple and green dinosaurs this is theyre favorite song.

    >>I love you You love me We're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me tu you won't you say you love me tu!!!!!!!

    Tenel Ka: That's you two's favorite song?

    Lowie: That song sucks!

    Jacen: It's not me; it's that author! Can't you see I hate it too?

    >>I love you You love me We're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me tu you won't you say you love me tu!!!!!!

    >>I love you You love me We're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me tu you won't you say you love me tu!!!!!!

    >>I love you You love me We're a happy family With a great big hug and a kiss from me tu you Won't you say you love me tu!!!!!!

    >>I love you You love me We're a happy family With a great big hug and a kiss from me tu you won't you say you love me tu!!!!!!

    Luke: Make it stop! It's killing me!

    Mara: Don't you worry, Luke, it's gotta be almost over.

    >>I love you You love me We're a happy family With a great big hug and a kiss from me tu you
  12. Empress Palpatine

    Empress Palpatine Jedi Youngling star 1

    Dec 31, 1999
    I love your story! I love writing fan fiction too! I write about lots of stuff! Keep writing! Maybe you'll become a famous author one day!
  13. Et Cetera...

    Et Cetera... Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jan 1, 2000
    YO! THIS IS REALLY COOL! I really like this fanfic. Good going, 15! Keep up the good work! LOL!
  14. Lelila Jade

    Lelila Jade Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jan 30, 2000
    Hey, great story! I luv it. Will come later to read some more. Bye.
  15. Darth Triad

    Darth Triad Jedi Youngling star 1

    Dec 31, 1999
    Hey Jedi15, the story is looking great!!! Write some more it's funny. Will you also update more on the Boba Fett vs. Aurra Sing thread later?
  16. Darth Dismembered

    Darth Dismembered Jedi Youngling star 1

    Sep 24, 1999
    Yes, please keep writing. Haven't seen anything that funny in a while.

    Darth D

    -The nuttiest Darth around-
  17. Frostfyre

    Frostfyre Jedi Youngling star 3

    Oct 25, 1999
    Oh, my, but that was hysterical!! I love it, Jedi15! Keep it up!

    Is there some secret to getting people to read your work? I can't seem to get anyone to comment on isn't THAT bad...

  18. Jedi15

    Jedi15 Jedi Youngling star 4

    Nov 7, 1999
    Thanks for the comments, guys! UP!
  19. Darth London Boy

    Darth London Boy Jedi Youngling

    Jan 2, 2000

    More, please!
  20. stoneheart

    stoneheart Jedi Youngling star 1

    Nov 25, 1999
    *sits with his jaw hanging*

    MST3K, eat your heart out....
  21. Empress Palpatine

    Empress Palpatine Jedi Youngling star 1

    Dec 31, 1999

    [This message has been edited by Empress Palpatine (edited 02-19-2000).]
  22. Et Cetera...

    Et Cetera... Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jan 1, 2000
    Hey, aren't you gonna post?
  23. Eagle888

    Eagle888 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jan 30, 2000
    LOL...good stuff.
  24. TheLastApocalypse

    TheLastApocalypse Jedi Padawan star 4

    Dec 3, 1999
  25. Dark Lady Mara

    Dark Lady Mara Manager Emeritus star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Jun 19, 1999
    I can tell you I won't be able to. But how many of you think you're strong enough to stand up and say, "Yes, I can resist the temptation!"
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