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Saga Sparks- updated 8/8!!!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by bobilll, May 4, 2003.

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  1. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    Okay, so this is an idea I got from reading Sache8's Dance with the Stars, where two of the children go save the other children.

    ~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~


    ~{!0~}Only a few minutes before landing, Padawan. Are you ready?~{!1~}

    Asucah Neirmon quickly scrambled out of his seat. Running his fingers through his spiky blonde hair, he turned to face his master. ~{!0~}Yes, Master,~{!1~} he replied.

    Master Sifun Yan nodded. ~{!0~}Relax, Asucah.~{!1~}

    Asucah took his braid and started chewing on it, showing just how much he was relaxed. Master Sifun frowned slightly. His apprentice was, after all, only twelve, but he was a Jedi, and had to learn to remain calm.

    ~{!0~}The blockade will hinder us, there~{!/~}s no doubt about that,~{!1~} Sifun said, voicing aloud both his and his apprentice~{!/~} fears. ~{!0~}It will require both of our efforts to avoid it. However, the Naboo need our relief supplies. What the Nemoidians are doing to them is inhuman, and it is our responsibility to protect humanity.~{!1~}

    Asucah nodded with certainty, but his eyes still shone with a troubled gaze. ~{!0~}Queen Amidala didn~{!/~}t request our help.~{!1~} he remarked after a short silence.

    ~{!0~}No, she didn~{!/~}t,~{!1~} Master Sifun replied. ~{!0~}But we felt her pain... You remember.~{!1~}

    Asucah lowered his eyes, remembering when he and his master had first heard the cries of the Nubian~{!/~}s. Everyone knew how angered the Trade Federation had been when the taxes were implemented, and the blockade they had created. They had meant to dispose of the taxes, it seemed innocent enough. It was perfectly legal. But close to none knew of the sufferings the blockade brought upon the Naboo people. Only Asucah and his master had been able to hear the pleads for help, the cries from the people who suffering from sickness, starvation, even death. Master Sifun had never been the one who gave help when it clearly wasn~{!/~}t asked for, but even he couldn~{!/~}t ignore the pain in their cries.

    And so, after hearing the voices of the Naboo, Master Sifun and Asucah had gone to the council, requesting to escort a relief group to Naboo. The council had agreed, giving them 10,000 barrels of bacta and another 10,000 sacks of grain to take to the people.

    Only these two Jedi would dare to accomplish this task. The Trade Federation was well known for their deadly warships, and the last thing the Nemodians wanted was a relief group.

    ~{!0~}We are Jedi from the Senate,~{!1~} Master Sifun declared firmly, breaking Asucah~{!/~}s recollections. "The Trade Federation will not shoot us down.~{!1~} Sifun had turned to face the ship window and was gazing out at the humble planet below, surrounded by many of what looked like tiny rings with a ball in their center. He closed his eyes, and bade his shoulders to relax.

    Asucah followed his master~{!/~}s example, closing his eyes and drifting into deep meditation. He soon sensed the tingle of the Force, and allowed it to guide him. Soon, the room drifted out of view, the bright lights and low hum of the heating leaving his senses. He was outside of the ship now, approaching the Trade Federation ships. Approaching one, he reached to disable its weapons.

    Not that one, Padawan, it~{!/~}s out of shooting range. Get the ones more to your left

    Nodding mentally, Asucah drifted toward the ships indicated, and working with his master, slowly disabled every weapon. They entered the atmosphere safely; Asucah let a small bit of happiness creep into his concentration. Everything would work out after all.

    A shot came from a mobile star destroyer, disabling the ship occupied by the Jedi. The ship went down fast, screams of all the passengers resounding in Asucah~{!/~}s ears. Before the Padawan had a chance to panic, something hard hit his head, and darkness descended upon him.

     
  2. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
    Wow, interesting start, bobill! :)

    I hope the people in the ship are okay!!

    Wonderful post! :D
     
  3. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    A reader? a reader??? hops up and down, stops and hugs Monica really hard...

    YAY!!!

    And... no spoilers!!! so you're gonna have to be patient and wait it out!! 8-}
     
  4. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    AH! no one else is reading this! In the words of Jar Jar Binks: NUTSEN!!! Oh well, okay, so I'll post the next part, which is a bit more interesting, but I won't be able to post again for a while... so enjoy!

    ~*~*~*~*~~*
    Theed?s sunset shone down on the Naboo Palace, reflecting its shades of crimson from the exquisite walls. It formed a shadow on the East side of the great building, giving shade to the palace courtyards.

    Within these courtyards, twenty girls stood in a perfect straight line, their feet firmly positioned, arms uniformly held at their sides, eyes focused dutifully on a dark skinned man who paced before them, who was bellowing instructions. Behind him stood a woman, draped in lavish dresses, her face painted snow-white, and two crimson dots upon her pale cheeks.

    ?Five of you have been selected to assist the queen through this dilemma,? the dark man said, almost shouting. He looked each girl in the eye, evaluating them. ?Five of which we decided emonstrated the most perseverance, ingenuity, and knowledge throughout not only these tryouts, but your entire history.? Captain Panaka, head of Queen Amidala?s security force, stopped, pivoting smartly so that he faced the girls. ?These positions will be filled for the remainder of the Trade Federation?s blockade.?

    Turning slightly he faced the Queen. He waited for her nod, and upon receiving it, turned back to the girls. Bringing out an old scroll, he called out from the list of names. ?Sabe Nerade!?

    A girl, no more than fourteen years old, stepped forward and curtsied.

    ?Rabé Ejah!?

    The action was repeated, this time by a taller girl, her hazel eyes shining proudly as she stepped forward. One by one, the five names were called, each girl called stood at attention, apart from the other girls.

    Panaka put the scroll away, resuming his eye contact with the girls.

    ?The rest of you, I?m sorry that we could not choose you. You have all shown tremendous loyalty already, and I wish you the best of luck with your future! You are dismissed!?

    The fourteen disappointed girls grudgingly left the field, some mumbling glumly, others crying softly into their sleeves.

    Raising his eyebrows, the Captain eyed at the girl who remained, one who had not been chosen.

    Panaka felt sorry for the girl, knowing how deeply the girls? loyalty lay. Still, he approaching the girl, frowning sternly.

    ?I said you were dismissed!?

    The girl did not budge, eyes downcast.

    ?You will do as you are told, handmaiden!? Panaka snapped.

    ?I cannot leave.?

    Panaka observed the girl. She was smaller than the others; her age couldn?t be more than twelve. Her complexion was rough, her clothes obviously second-hand, showing what must have been a difficult past. Strange? Panaka seemed to remember this girl doing well in the handmaiden tryouts, her running score had been faster than any of the other girls.

    ?What is your name??

    Panaka turned at the Queen?s voice. She had stayed silent for so long, but was now approaching the girl, her intricately embroidered dress making soft rustling noises.

    ?Boien,? was the short reply.

    ?Boien what?? Panaka asked. His eyes narrowed when the girl remained silent. ?You have been asked a question, girl!? he growled.

    The girl blinked, and then spoke softly, barely in more than a whisper. ?Welgne.?

    Panaka nodded curtly, remembering. Boien Welgne, daughter of Petu Welgne, the notorious drug dealer. It was rumored that it was he who had brought the Trade Federation here in the first place.

    ?You feel these tryouts were biased,? the Queen remarked, both her voice and face passive.

    A single tear rolled from the girl?s eyes, and she angrily wiped it away.

    The Queen remained impassive. ?Perhaps it was. But the decision is made, and you have been instructed to leave.?

    ?I cannot.?

    Nodding, the Queen turned to leave. She paused. ?There will be rain tonight.? Her voice, although still low and void of most emotion, held the smallest something that sounded like pity.

    Boien remained ou
     
  5. Sache8

    Sache8 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 19, 2000
    Intriguing concept of having more Jedi come to help Naboo than just Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. :)


    And how am I supposed to comment on the story when you don't tell me it's up? ;)
     
  6. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    ohhhh... riiightt... that part... ooops?
     
  7. Seldes_Katne

    Seldes_Katne Force Ghost star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 18, 2002
    Bobilll, I'll read it and make occasional comments if you promise not to hug me.... ;)
     
  8. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    awwww... ok... fine... I'll restrain myself...
     
  9. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
    Awww, the poor girl! :( I feel so bad for her!

    Great post! :D
     
  10. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    Hehe, there always needs to be one charector everyone feels sorry for...

    Now the charector everyone wants to clobber...

    ~*~*~*~*~

    ?And so the Theed Children?s Orphanage would greatly appreciate it if you could donate something, anything, to help them through hard times. It doesn?t have to be much, maybe some clothing that you never wear-?

    The speaker stopped abruptly, interrupted by what sounded like a loud raspberry. He looked around, furiously scanning for the culprit. His eyes landed on a young boy, who looked particularly mischievous. The boy smiled, unabashed, and blew another very loud raspberry.

    ?Cut it out, Reggie!? someone whispered angrily.

    Reghoir Pate, famous blower of raspberries, laughed. ?I can?t help it if he?s so darn boring!? he said. Every week, people from various charities would come to the Academy during classes, and they would drone on and on about how pathetic they were, and how badly they needed money. This speaker was no different.

    When this particular man started to speak again, asking for help, Reggie put his head on his desk and gave a loud snore. The class burst into a fit of giggles.

    ?Reghoir Pate!? The instructor scolded sharply. He was a stern old man, who was standing in the back of the room. ?Leave the classroom, and don?t come back until you learn some respect!?

    Reggie smirked. ?I guess I won?t be back then.? Lazily, he stood from his desk, sauntering out of the room, relishing the giggles from his peers.

    Grinning, he exited the Academy?s front door, heading for the nearby shops. The instructor wouldn?t want him back in the classroom, so he might as well enjoy his day off.

    His face fell as he spotted the local fizz drink stop, parked close by. Keeping his head down, Reggie did his best to blend into the crowd, trying to evade the seller.

    ?What are you doing out of class again, Reggie??

    Reggie?s legs weakened, and refused to keep walking. Without even meaning to, he turned to face the speaker, his eyes involuntarily meeting the vender?s eyes. ?Oh, hey, Thepa,? he mumbled incoherently. ?How?re you doing??

    Thepa?s shook her head with exasperation. ?Answer my question, Reggie.?

    Alibis quickly formed in Reggie?s mind. School field trip. Teacher sent him out on an errand. Parents wanted him home early because of the blockade. Reggie opened his mouth, but found it impossible to lie. Not to Thepa.

    ?I got kicked out of class again,? he admitted.

    ?Again?? Thepa sighed, the disappointment in her eyes cutting into Reggie?s heart like a laser. ?Reggie, why do you do this to yourself? You have so much potential, why do you waste it like this? What will your parents think??

    Reggie shrugged, pretending to be interested in his feet. Pull yourself together! Reggie chided himself... After all, Thepa was just a cheap drink seller, no one important. Who cared if she was disappointed? And after all, it wasn?t as if he really cared about his parents finding out. Mother would scream for a while, telling him how lazy and worthless he was being, and Father would make empty threats, like taking away his new speeder, or canceling his trip to Alderaan. It was all talk, nothing important.

    But inwardly, he had already vowed never to play hooky again.

     
  11. Anyanka

    Anyanka Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Nov 8, 2002
    This looks very interesting so far, bobill! More Jedi to help the people of Naboo.. and the nasty Trade Federation shot them down! :eek:

    Poor little Boien. :( Interesting idea of having Amidala take on more handmaidens during the blockade. Now I wonder where you're going with all this. ;)
     
  12. Sache8

    Sache8 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 19, 2000
    Yipee, a clobber character! :)


    I think Reggie is intriguing. He has color ;)

    Methinks during the invasion he's gonna get a first-hand glimpse at exactly what those charity people were talking about.
     
  13. Seldes_Katne

    Seldes_Katne Force Ghost star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 18, 2002
    awwww... ok... fine... I'll restrain myself...

    It?s nothing personal, Bobilll. I just like being able to breathe.... ;)

    On to story-related comments: Well, Reggie could certainly use a bit of sensitivity training, couldn?t he? On the other hand, he does seem to have found a ?mentor? in Thepa, and he?s uncomfortable with her disappointment in him, so I suspect there?s hope yet.

    Hey, yeah, I know I portrayed some of your favorite characters as cruel and heartless, but...

    Since I?ve worked with Panaka in one of my stories, and I know he can be a real hard-liner, I?m not completely surprised by his actions here. And handmaidens do need self-discipline for their jobs. But I get the impression from that introductory section that Boien has ?the right stuff?. (Help me out, Bobilll ? how is her name pronounced?)

    I?m also looking forward to seeing the Jedi again, assuming they survived.... Just out of curiosity, what races are they? It sounds like Asucah might be human, since he?s got the hair for the Padawan braid. (This, of course, has no major bearing on the story at this point, I?m just curious.)

    It looks as though you?ve got your three main characters set up here, and now you?re ready to move the plot forward. Guess I?ll go find a cold soft drink and comfortable chair and enjoy the ride!
     
  14. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    Anyanka! You're here! This'll be a lot more fun now... the Jedi weren't really supposed to be there in the first place, but can you really blame them?

    Sache8- glad you liked Reggie! I was trying to base him off some slackers in our school, who talk big but really know nothing about anything... just hope I can keep it realistic...

    Seldes_Katne- lol, okay, I respect your space! I guess there is hope to Reggie... it feels like they're telling me what to write rather than me writing them, so it's up to the charectors if the change... 8-}

    I'm not quite sure myself how to pronounce Boien's name, I just thought it looked cool. It's more fun to make up a pronunciation as you go along... how do you think it should be pronounced? and I guess Boien COULD be handmaiden material, but to have a family past like that... would even a person like Panaka or Amidala want her there when there are other girls just as good? and Asucah is human... I have the hardest time writing aliens...
     
  15. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    A short postie...
    ~*~*~*~*~*

    When Asucah first opened his eyes, he was greeted by a blur of unfamiliar figures. He blinked, his hand sluggishly reached up for his head, which was throbbing wildly. He could taste blood in his mouth, and felt incredibly sick at the taste. The figures slowly started to focus, forming the shapes and images of broken machinery. Bits of flames still flared underneath oil pipes, and transperisteal was shattered, it?s pieces lying everywhere.

    Asucah tried to stand up, but felt overwhelming dizziness. His head spinning, he reached for the Force to steady himself, but found it hard to concentrate. Asucah found it hard to keep his balance, and fell against the wall of the ship.

    ?Master?? Asucah called out instinctively, his voice hoarse. He reached for his bond with his master, and then drew back quickly. Where there was once a feeling of support and mentorship, there was now a cold void.

    ?Master?? Asucah called again, getting anxious. ?Where are you??

    And then, his glance fell upon where the window used to be. His master?s figure was lying prostrate on the ground, a large piece of transperisteal stuck in his chest.

    Asucah?s senses froze. Living people didn?t lie in that position.

    The dizziness worsened, and Asucah felt his stomach turning. Stumbling away from the sight of his master?s corpse, Asucah allowed the contents of his lunch to spill onto the floor.

    ~*~*~*~*~

    one thing I noticed- while we are newbies, every post we put up has the words, if there is anything wrong with my story, please tell me! but as we go on, we stop writing it. I'm not saying we're arrogant, jsut that we forget.

    So I'm gonna say right now, if you have critisizm with charicterization/structure/whatever, speak now or forever hold your peace! tell me every itsy bitsy detail that's wrong with my writing, or it's only gonna get worse!!!
     
  16. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
    I think your writing's fine, bobill! :)

    The last two posts have been great in my opinion! :)
     
  17. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    Okay, many thanks to SobiFan, who has agreed to act as my betareader... I made a few corrections in the earlier posts based on her suggestions...

    one thing I realized after SobiFan's beta was that you all thought those 5 handmaidens were the ones from Ep1... the handmaidens weren't originally supposed to be the ones from Ep1, I was going on the idea that since Amidala has like 14 handmaidens and we only hear of 5, that geting 5 new ones wouldn't be a big deal.

    but I reread it, and saw that it's confusing that way, and changed it to the fab 5 that we're familiar with...
     
  18. SobiFan

    SobiFan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    May 7, 2003
    :D you know I'm lovin' it!
     
  19. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
  20. bobilll

    bobilll Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Aug 8, 2002
    Awww, thanks Sobifan and Monica!



    Ack, I've been having a killer week w/ cruel DRL, but I FINALLY got around posting!!! GRRr, I don't even have the next post lined out, though, so that one might take a while...

    ~*~*~*~*~*~~*

    ~*~*~*~*~
    Every day, Boien?s father sent her to the market to pick up vegetables. Every day, the venders would stare, raising prices when it was her turn to pay and carefully counting their wares as she passed.

    Boien knew better than to protest against her father, though. The man had a short temper, and a rough backhand. Boien rubbed the blue marks on her eyes, relieving their ache.

    Her father had been less than pleased when Boien had come home the day before, her failure in securing a position in Amidala?s court evident in her tears.

    But the beating was nothing new, she had grown used to it. Physical pain no longer had any effect on her. It was the looks, the glares and suspicious looks that followed her everywhere, in the market, at school, all the way to Queen Amidala?s Court. Those hurt the most.

    In the midst of her bitter thoughts, a foot was stuck out in front of her, catching her off guard and sending her sprawling onto the muddy ground. Boien growled, hopping back to her feet and brushing her clothes furiously. Mud stained her new shirt and skirt, and was sinking in her fingernails and covering her face.

    A fat boy, clothed in silks, stood behind her, holding a sticky bonbon and laughing heartily. Angrily, Boien leaped forward, wildly swinging at the boy, striking hard and fast. She smiled when he fell back with a satisfying thump.

    Boien turned to go, but found her way blocked by what looked like a hog standing on two legs. ?What?d?ya think yer doin ta my boy?? the hog-man said gruffly.

    Smirking, Boien shoved her way past him. ?You call him a boy? I call him a lump of lard!?

    The man growled, and his fist shot out. Boien caught it easily, twisting it out of harms way. ?Conton!? A woman rushed to his side, restraining him from another punch. Then, turning to Boien, she spat in the girl?s face.

    ?Haven?t you done enough?? she cried, as Boien reached to wipe the spit from her cheek. ?You and your father, starving half of Naboo! Isn?t that enough for you! And you have to go around, punching everybody who gets in your way!? she gave Boien a disgusted look. She turned to her son, who had stood up, and was crying about his dirty bonbon. Tenderly, she stroked the boy?s fat cheek. ?Are you okay, muffin-cheeks? Did the mean girl hurt you??

    Boien rolled her eyes, and played with the idea of taking a swing the lady too, but decided to settle with a steely glare. She turned to go.

    ?Mom, look!?

    Boien turned back, following the fat boy?s gaze. Upon seeing what he was pointing to, she fell back in shock, but this time did not bother to brush off the dirt.

    Row after row of what looked like giant white stick figures were marching toward the town, holding laser rifles at their shoulders.

    Battle droids.

    ?I don?t believe it,? someone gasped. ?They actually dared to invade!?

    The group halted, and what appeared to be their leader turned up the voice amplifier on his side. ?Under the orders of Nute Gunray,? he boomed, amidst the protests from the crowd, ?all Naboo residents are to be put under arrest!?

    ?What gives you the right to tell us what to do?? A vender shouted bravely.

    The droid ignored the man. ?Any opposition to this law will be met with death!?

    ?So kill me,? Boien whispered furiously.

    The fat boy?s mother overheard her, and turned to face Boien furiously. ?Don?t make us suffer any more than you already have,? the woman warned, but she looked frightened.

    Boien glared, but did not resist when binders were placed on her wrists.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Again, many thanks to Sobifan for helpful beta!!! Now that the invasion has begun, this should get fun...
     
  21. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
    Awww, poor Boien!! She lives such a hard life, and no one gives her a break! :_(

    Wonderful post, Bobill! :)
     
  22. Anyanka

    Anyanka Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Nov 8, 2002
    Aww, poor little Boien! She's got quite the temper though. ;) And the invasion has begun! I wonder what's going to happen to her...
     
  23. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
  24. Sache8

    Sache8 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 19, 2000
    Poor Asucah! What becomes of young masterless padawans, anyway? :(

    And I really like Boien. I like her attitude... "So kill me"

    That girls got spirit ;)
     
  25. Monica_Skywalker

    Monica_Skywalker Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 10, 2002
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