SPY REPORT: New LucasArts Releases Coming Up!

Hehe. Yeah. Good thing you've got an insider friend here. My friend's aunt, who shall remain nameless, knows a guy at the place she works, some Chinese guy, who wears nothing but Armani suits. Well, in one of those suits she found a telephone number, and when she called it she heard a joke, which shall remain tasteless, and when she told that joke to someone, the guy said, "Hey, you know what that reminds me of?"

Strange how those things go.

Rebel Without A Clue.

In this game you are Goofon Dumbdis, who just joined the rebellion. Accidentally, as it turns out, because here you were, thinking you had joined an intergalactic sabacc club! Afraid to abruptly leave, you try to make the best of it, but always miss mission briefings and other vital information, so you'll have to guess what to do all throughout the game. The rebellion better be able to take a hit, as this game surely will become one!

+ An add-on, The Battle for Tatooine is expected to hit the shops shortly afterwards. Of course, any Star Wars fan will know there never was a battle for Tatooine - but tell Goofon that!

Jek Porkins - X-Wing Pilot.

You take on the role of famed X-Wing pilot Jek Porkins. The game takes you through kindergarten, visits to his grandmother, high school, his first and only date, pilot academy, where you climb the ranks, your first missions as a rookie, and the eventual, nerve-racking Death Star battle. Be prepared.

Twin-Pod Cloud Car Pilot.

You thought you were such a hot shot after finishing the X-Wing series? Then try to master a real-as-can-be Bespin surveillance car. Your exciting missions will consist of delivering goods from one point to another, making sure no one enters the city without proper authorisation, and waving to Lando from your cockpit. Are you a real Twin-Pod Cloud Car pilot (or are you just faking it)?

Indiana Jones And Another Adventure.

LucasArts is proud to announce yet another Indy game, trademark. This time, Indy is called upon to find the lost treasure of [variable], somewhere in [variable]. Of course, you'll meet various [variable -- at this stage of development, either Nazis or Russians, possibly Germans, too]. A love interest [variable] is also expected to accompany you. You'll visit several exciting places [variable, South America, and variable], and beat some of the world's most vicious, non Indy-related creatures, such as fire demons, rock giants, gnus and [variable]. In the end, you'll fight the awesome Variabilis Beast. Whip it up!

Rebel Kid.

A wise-cracking, smartass kid in the Rebel Alliance? You bet! Rebel Kid lets you control out-of-control Wilfur Bratt, a freckled know-it-all with an attitude from hell. But who knows, you may actually end up saving the rebellion, and maybe befriend a Wookiee or two!





Bull Kibbur -- The Ving Jasz Chronicles.

The Stone of Kab'ill has mysteriously vanished from the Bai Dai Temple on Rutuss 6. Bull Kibbur, a young Jedi, is sent to investigate the Narrajil Federation, which has been shipping suspicious cargo from the Kwin Pam Tillelelje system to Bama Rama Ding Dong El Djokwek Wek, a planet controlled by the vicious Mortyuam cartel of Hutts. Do you have what it takes to take on the evil Drombudorr and recover the sacred Ygdrqx crystal?

Bull Kibbur -- The Grurtt Foble Legacy.

They fight. You win. Just kill the bad guys, and keep moving. Skip the dialogue with the A-button.


Well, did I say too much? Insider Darth_Debo signing off.

 

...

Well, it can't be any worse than LEC's current slew of games

Debo = god

 

lol is this for real??

 

We missed you.

 

So no news on the rumoured "Solo Babies" game then (where you have the special Force power on the "B" button which automatically kills everyone and completes the game?)

 

I'm having fun with the beta for Womprat Simulator. Although it's a pain when hotshot punks try to bullseye you in their ships when you're working hard on filling up your stomach before the next sandstorm.

-Jomero

 

Jek Porkins' first and only date is bound to be one of LucasArts' most exciting missions ever, and no doubt great experience for most Star Wars fans.

 

No Pomynóck? Ow, I loved that rumor: I wanted to be a Mynock trainer, and win the medals and the leagues and so on.

 

That's classic, Debo.

 

The Sums - LucasArts Company edition

Starting off as lowly janitor can you work your way up through either the creative branch (Background artist, cel painter, sprite artist, lead artist, junior animator, lead animator, cutscene producer), the tech branch (junior programmer, lead programmer, beta tester, bug fixer, patch writer), or sales (Package design, sales rep, internet marketing manager, product marketing manager).

The ultimate goal is to become Lucasarts Entertainment Company President and try to reach you quota of 50% non-Star Wars games, before finally chucking in the towel and returning home to England with a muli-million dollar severance bonus.

All rendered in stunning 3D with atmospheric iMuse incidental music, this real time strategy and life simulator will bring you closer to the wild and wacky world of software production.

Beware not to annoy the rabid fanboys, or start cross-platform consumer sniping - or you'll find your company heading for recievership faster than you can say "RTX Red Rock"...

---

 

Man, i must order some of those games. I can't wait to know more about Porkins' life!
I need to know why he seemed a pork.

 

You forgot another exciting title:

Jar Jar Binks: Interstellar Gungan of Mystery

Join the exciting adventures of Jar Jar Binks during his hitherto little-known stint as a deep-cover interstellar secret agent. Sure to give Inspector Clouseu a run for his money, the adventure of Jar Jar Binks have got to be seen to be believed.

 

We've missed you, Debo.

 

BUNGIE TO DEVELOP NEXT JEDI KNIGHT TITLE

Surprising the entire gaming media at a recent press conference, Lucasarts Entertainment Company announced that it is teaming up with Bungie for the forthcoming Jedi Knight game, to be released in Summer 2004. While development is all hush-hush at the moment, LEC did provide us with a juicy preview of the new Bungie-developed Star Wars first person shooter:

JKalo: Combat Evolved*

*note, LEC and Bungie are currently undergoing litigation concerning Jennifer Lopez' challenge that "JKalo" may confuse gamers with her own nicknames "J-Lo" and/or "J-to-tha-Lo."

"Bent on the destruction of the New Republic, a powerful fellowship of alien races known as the Yuuzhan Vong is wiping out the fledgling Republic. You and the other surviving members of a devastated world make a desperate attempt to lure the alien fleet away from the Core Worlds. Shot down and marooned on the ancient ring-world of JKalo, you begin a guerilla-war against the Yuuzhan Vong. Fight for the Republic against an alien onslaught as you race to uncover the mysteries of JKalo."

Dark Forces 4: Jedi Knight 3 - JKalo

-You are the last of your kind, a Mandalorian warrior. Bred for combat, built for war, you are the master of any weapon, pilot of any vehicle...and fear no enemy.

-Attack on all fronts - on foot for with a powerful array of assault vehicles.

-Exciting multiplayer gaming and the engrossing "Red lightsaber vs. Blue lightsaber" mode are playable over the internet or LAN.

 

Anakin Casting Day: You Make the Call!

LucasArts has just announced this new title, to be available sometime during the first quarter of 2005. In this new adventure you are casting director Robin Gurland on a quest for the perfect nine year old to portray our intrepid young hero. The world of fandom is counting on you, as you put the youngsters through a series of grueling tests and mind-bending assessments of reading comprehension. Wasn't it simply adorable the way that little Jake just said spice pirates in place of space pilots? Don't be swayed, the future of the franchise is in YOUR hands!

 

The Monkey of Monkey Island

The Monkey of Monkey Island is the butt-kicking fifth installment of the popular Monkey Island game series, which includes the award-winning Secret of Monkey Island and that Monkey Island 4 game. TMOMI finds Guybrush Threepwood fighting against LeChuck, the mummy pirate, to save Elaine Marley, his one true love (and wife), from being made (again) into the evil pirate?s bride. Woohoo! Fans familiar with the first four Monkey Island games will find more of the same in The Monkey of Monkey Island. As the game begins, the evil buccaneer LeChuck, now an undead mummy pirate, is attempting to woo Elaine into becoming his bride. Guybrush must find a way to rescue Elaine, all the while battling innumerable scurvy-ridden grog-guzzling pirates, collecting strange things and fighting in (you guessed it) Monk Kalibur, the original sword fighting tournament.

"LucasArts has built a considerable reputation for developing outstanding graphic adventure games," says the product marketing manager for LucasArts. "And hey, if we released a sandbox and we called it Monkey Island 5, everyone would buy it! Who needs a compelling story? Pop references, that's the key! Ron Gilbert? Who's that loser? Hahaha, I love my job!"

 

Hehe, those are all good.

Suck-Up! Rick McCallum.

Suck-Up! Rick McCallum? gives you the fantastic, exciting once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take on the guise of Rick McCallum?, the one and only. That's going to rule. If that's not going to rule, Napoleon never ruled. It will own your face so majorly, you'll be forced to wear a MASK! The fans will love it, lap it up, build temples for it, describe it in holy books, celebrate its release for millennia afterwards. If you love your loved ones, then you'll WORSHIP this. You won't believe what's in store for you. Suck-Up! Rick McCallum? is the ultimate power game, the game that makes all games redundant except Scrabble?.

Can you sell a crappy product?

 

Star Wars® Rancor Keeper? for Nintendo® GameCube?

The fight begins! The most ruthless and feared Jabba goon will make his spectacular interactive debut next year in the action-packed Star Wars Rancor Keeper from LucasArts Entertainment Company (LLC). Through one of the most intriguing and enduring characters in the Star Wars universe, players will plunge into the dark, deadly world of a Rancor keeper, a role Star Wars game fans have long awaited to play. Star Wars Rancor Keeper presents an original, compelling third-person real-time strategy-action game experience. This ground-breaking game allows players for the first time to transfer their captured and trained Rancors from the best-selling Rancor Tamer Magenta?, Rancor Tamer Cyan? and Rancor Tamer Amber? GameBoy? games directly to the GameCube?.

"Because of Rancors' amazing legacy, Star Wars fans have been requesting a Rancor keeper game from LucasArts for years," says the director of product marketing for LucasArts. "The Rancor keeper defines what's cool about Star Wars and what's good about our civilization. Hell yeah."

 

Let's not forget this long delayed game;

LUCASARTS' ANNOUNCES STAR WARS® DROID SIMULATOR: R5-D4 RENEGADE?

 

Kevin J. Anderson's Star Wars Literature Simulator
For Macintosh and Unix OS.

Kevin J. Anderson, writer of Star Wars EU fame, has helped develop one of the most amazing games of the year: 'Star Wars Literature Simulator'. It has taken two years of great effort to design that awesome program. Some of the most advanced technologies have been used during the creation of AI bots to simulate real writers and editors -as Timothy Zhan and Sue Rostoni-. Some false rumors have spread about the implementation of Hasbro's directives bots, but the project manager told that it could be implemented in the expansion.
The game allows the player to experiment the full process of the creation of a new Star Wars novel. The user can play as a well-known author or create a new one. Obviously, you have a limited time to write the novel, and you can suffer a number of events that can force you to remake the entire novel. 'Dealing with the editors is epic', in words of one of the beta-testers. If the single-player campaign is not enogh for you, the game has several multiplayer modes: Deathmatch, Cooperative, and a revolutionary new mode, 'Short Stories Contest'.

Some profesionals have tested the game:
'Their graphics have reached the quality of MS Word' -Games for Freaks Magazine
'The best videogame in history' -Literature Lovers from Florida Magazine

If you want to get a good time, you can't miss the chance to play the Star Wars game of the year!!