Story [Star Trek TNG] How do we change the lightbulb? [HUMOR] Updated and Completed 11/29

TITLE: Star Trek TNG: How do we change the lightbulb?
AUTHOR: RX_Sith
RATING: [CAUTION] Random laughter may occur.
SUMMARY: It's dark on the USS Enterprise 1701-D and no one knows how to change a lightbulb.
AUTHORS NOTES: Get ready for some TNG humor.

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Star Trek are the property of Parmount which obviously I have no affiliation with.

PROLOGUE: The Lights Go Out

The USS Enterprise is on a mission to the Vulcan Homeworld. It comes across some sinister vessels that it engages now on the viewscreen.

Except, the viewscreen is blank.

"Data, what happened to the viewscreen?" Picard asks inquisitivitely as he sits with his hands perfectly in unison on top of each of his legs.

"Sir", Data starts, "The Romulan vessels have knocked out all the lights on the ship including the viewscreen. I am afraid that we are now in the dark."

"Emergency lights, dammit," Picard orders. Still, no lights come on.

"Sorry, Captain," Data interposes, "The emergency lights are down as well."

"There are FOUR lights," Picard suddenly announces. "Where?" Worf now interjects from his security station, "Blast it, Klingons are not supposed to be without light."

"If I may intervene, Sir," Riker intervenes, "We must find a way to restore our lighting before the Romulans finish us."

"Good idea Will," Picard smacks himself on his forehead, "Why didn't I think of that. Form an away team to steal lights from the Romulans."

"Right away, Captain," Riker obliges him, "Worf, Data, anyone else on the Bridge... follow me."

A rustling of people moving in the dark and tripping over the stations on the Bridge, themselves, and other obstacles is heard. "Data, try to open this door," Riker announces haphazardly in the darkness.

"I would if I could just find you," Data replies sincerely, "Hold on. Activitate night glow vision. Damn. I forgot. I don't have night glow vision. Where's Geordi when we need him."

"Geordi to the Bridge," Captain Picard orders, "Damn, do I have to guide you through everything, Number One."

"Well, if you could direct me to the men's room, I think I have to go Number Two," Riker grunts. "First turbolift to your right," Picard moans.

"I can't find a turbolift," Riker grunts again as he passes some gas that the others now smell. "Will......" they all moan, "Please Captain, tell him to stop."

"Number One!" Picard yells, "You are to hold your Number Two until such time that you find a restroom, do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Riker obliges him as he grunts some more, "Damn, I hope that it doesn't take us too much longer to find that turboshaft door."

---

 

Somebody better get some lights on quick!

Nice job on this

 

KELIA: Thanks, I will try to have them get the lights back on eventually.

---

[b]ACT I: There Are Four Lights[/b]

After a few more minutes of trying to find the turbolift doors, Data was successful in well, finding one. "Over here," Data announced as loud as he could, "I've managed to find a turbolift door."

Suddenly a rush of wind swept by Data. Luckily, since he was an android, he could not smell what just passed his way as the door closed right behind him. "Well, I had managed to find the door," he paused, and then tapped the door to open again, "Everyone gather over here while we wait for the door to open again."

After another few minutes it opened this time with Commander Riker in the doorway with four lights. "There were only four lights," Riker announces to the Bridge crew. "There are four lights," Picard repeats back and then goes silent for a few moments, "Ahem...", he clears his throat, "Number One, leave one light here on the Bridge, take one to Engineering, one to Sickbay, and one to the transporter room."

"Aye, aye, sir," Riker acknowledges the Captain's orders as everyone else pours into the turbolift. "Will......" everyone complains as they smell the raunchy turbolift.

The Away Team first drops off a light at Sickbay. "Doctor Crusher!" Will bellows as he flashes the light right into her eyes. "Yes, Will," Crusher acknowledges him, "You don't have to practically blind me with that thing." She sniffs the air as an auspicious odor suddenly raptures her senses. "Geez... Will, lay off the Gagh, why don't you!" she complains as she sprays a heavy layer of disinfectant into the air.

"But I love Gagh," Will complains, "Gagh, Gagh, Gagh, Gagh, Gagh, Gagh, I simply can't get enough of that fine Klingon cuisine."

"Well, thanks to you, I don't think the Klingons will ever give us any more," Worf sneers at him. "Well, how about some Klingon Blood Wine then," Riker states as he smacks Worf on his rear end. "I think not," Worf sneers at him again.

"So, aren't you supposed to take those other two lights you have there somewhere else," Crusher reminds him. "Ah, yes," Riker straightens his suit, "But, expect a poker game once this crisis is averted."

"I am so going to win against you this time," Crusher states while giving him the skunk eye. "I'll believe that when I see it," Riker laughs back at her.

"Hey, leave my mom alone," Wesley now rushes to his mother's side, "I hope she beats you."

"That would make the first time if she ever does," Riker boasts, "Now off to Engineering we go."

The Away Team next goes to Engineering where they find that Geordi has actually been handling the situation quite well due to his visor. "I'm glad that you made it down here, Commander," LaForge greets them, "I'm sure that the others will need the light. I on the other hand, am doing pretty well without them due to my visor."

"I see," Riker muses, "Oh well. Anyway, how are things going. When will the rest of the lights be restored to the ship?"

"I should have that completed by the time this episode is over," LaForge beams, "Give or take a few minutes."

"Ah... as usual," Riker muses again, "Anyway, off to the transporter room we go."

"You mind if I tag along," Geordi runs after them, "My engineering team can complete the repairs while I'm gone."

"As usual..." some insignificant engineering officer moans, "We do all the work and he gets all the credit."

Geordi has caught up to Riker's Away Team as they finally reach the transporter room to drop off the last light. "Transporter Officer... Useless is it," Riker tries to remember the transporter officer's name. "My name's Clueless, not Useless, the Officer states. "Ah... Clueless then..." Riker mumbles for the words, ".... Ah.... Beam us somewhere."

"Okay, Sir," Clueless responds, "Coordinates laid in... please step on your assigned spots and the beaming will commence."

The Away Team members take there respective places on the transporter pad and get ready for the transportation. "Any time n

 

I'd be careful about what buttons Clueless is allowed to push



expect a poker game once this crisis is averted



The best way to settle any score, IMHO

Great update

 

"My name's Clueless, not Useless, the Officer states.

I can't wait to see where they end up rematerializing.

 

KELIA: I'd be careful too about Clueless. Yes, Poker on the Enterprise is always the way to settle any score.

---

JadeSolo: Where do they materialize do you ask? Just wait and see. [face_tongue]

[hr]

[b]ACT II: Where are We?[/b]

The away team materialized..... [hl=black]in the dark again[/hl]. [hl=black]They fumbled around like a bunch of kids in a candy store, which reminds me, I need a sugar rush. Back in a few.[/hl]

[hl=black]"Commander Riker," Geordi called out. "Yes, Geordi," Riker replied. "I going to use my neato' visor, if that is okay."[/hl]

[hl=black]"Please do," Riker ordered, "I feel something squishy under my feet.[/hl] Geordi switched on his visor and suddenly the room was lit up slightly, at least enough to see anyway. "We seem to be in some sort of storage bin with lots of excrement on the floor."

"Ewwww....." everyone but Data remarked. Suddenly they heard a light purring noise. As they rounded a tight corner, they saw that the storage compartment was stacked to the ceiling with.... "Tribbles," Worf announced fiercely, "Klingons do not like Tribbles!"

The tribbles screeched loudly as Worf neared them. "Back away Worf," Riker ordered. Worf sneered at the Tribbles and complied with Riker's order. "Gladly, they make me ill to my stomach," Worf glared at the Tribbles.

"I thought that Klingons weren't afraid of anything," LaForge remarked. "We aren't," Worf glared at him, "We merely [b]HATE[/b] them."

Data pulled out his handy little tricorder and scanned the compartment. "It seems that we are trapped in here, Sir," he remarked to Riker, "The whole compartment except for where we beamed in is full of Tribbles."

"Can we use our phasers to blast out of here?" Riker asked. Data scanned the bulkheads. "Negative, Commander," he replied succinctly, "These bulkheads have been reinforced with multi-quadruple, ultra-phasic, noncompliant-magic, uber-strong, maximus-destructorless, impervious-inertial, bicarbonate-enhancing, steel-belted, radial-rubber."

"Did you just say they were made out of Goodyear tires?" Riker asked. "I believe that was my analysis," Data replied. "Good, blast a hole right here then," Riker ordered. The away team started to fire their phasers at the wall of rubber in front of them.

"Road kill!" Worf yelled. Suddenly a strange odor overtook the away team. "Rubber bands!" they choked as they managed to escape the toxic air-filled compartment just in time before being overcome by the rubber bands from the tires. A huge pile of Tribbles also filled into the large room that they were now inside.

Data scanned them. "They are dead or dying, Commander," he stated, "The fumes from the rubber must have suffocated them."

"You mean we killed them?" Riker wandered. "No, they were already intoxicated by their proximity to the multiple-quadruple, ultra-phasic...." Data started. "That's good enough, Mr. Data," Riker interrupted him, "It was the tires that killed them."

"Yes, Commander," Data confirmed. "Well, Goodyear's going to hear about this once we get back to Earth," Riker remarked, "Data, document all of the evidence for the Court."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Data dutifully replied. "Meanwhile, Geordi, see if you can find us a way out of this even bigger compartment of...." Riker looked around and was astounded to see row upon row of.... "more Goodyear tires."

[hr]

 

"Negative, Commander," he replied succinctly, "These bulkheads have been reinforced with multi-quadruple, ultra-phasic, noncompliant-magic, uber-strong, maximus-destructorless, impervious-inertial, bicarbonate-enhancing, steel-belted, radial-rubber."


ROFL! A mockery of technobabble at its finest!

 

Of all things, Goodyear tires. What if they'd gone up against another brand? I shudder to think.

That HTR bit at the beginning was classic - one of the best visual jokes I've ever seen in a story. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen one before.

 

Well, Goodyear's going to hear about this once we get back to Earth,



That should be an interesting complaint to say the least

Poor tribbles...what a way to go.

Great update

 

LordNyax113: Yes, it is great to mock Trek technobabble.

JadeSolo: Yes, just think if it had been Firestone tires.

KELIA: Yes, the complaint to Goodyear should be most interesting.

---

[b]ACT III: Now What?[/b]

Just as the away team was scanning the multiple rows of Goodyear tires, the Romulans entered the cargo bay. A fight commenced with multiple phaser fire as the away team hid behind some rows of tires. "Well, it looks like they've managed to cut off our escape route," Geordi observed.

"I have a plan," Data announced. He rapidly started to throw some tires which landed on top of the Romulans. Worf and the rest started to fling some more tires as well. After a few intense minutes with phaser fire randomly bouncing around, the Romulans were entirely encased in the tires.

"Great work," Riker commented Data and the rest of the away team. They walked up to the encased Romulans and took their weapons, "You don't mind if we borrow these do you," Worf gruffly announced as the rest of the away team members took the Romulans' weapons from them.

They opened the storage bay doors and went into another storage bay, this time filled with Firestone tires. "Well, we've one from one tire company to another one," Riker remarked. "But, this one had more suits brought up against it," Data stated as he pulled the information from his positronic databanks.

"Ah, good point, Mr. Data," Riker responded, "Record this evidence as well; it may be useful in those on Earth who have still not submitted their claim for faulty tires."

"You do realize sir that the amount of that claim if submitted now would bankrupt the Federation," Data remarked. "In that case, just disintegrate the tires," Riker ordered. "Are you certain sir?" Data asked stoically, "What if there is a person who needs to file a claim?"

"I'm sorry, Data," Riker replied grimly, "But we can't have the Federation bankrupted, can we?"

"Good point," Data responded plainly and then he and the rest of the away team set their phasers on disintegrate and soon the cargo bay was entirely empty. "Good work, everyone," Riker commended, "That's one less worry we have to well.... worry about."

Suddenly another group of Romulans entered the second cargo bay and this time there was no place to hide or take cover. "Dang," Data stated succintly, "Now we don't have any cover from the Romulans."

"You are to surrender or die," one of the Romulans ordered. "Klingons do not surrender," Worf growled angrily as he readied his phaser. "Then prepare to die," the Romulan announced as he and the rest of the Romulans began to fire. Another phaser firefight started to commence.

[hr]

 

"Now we don't have any cover from the Romulans."

Whoops

I can't wait to see how they get out of this mess

Great update

 

Flinging tires...oh goodness. Now all we need is Wesley to save the day - no one can trump the power of Wil Wheaton!

 

KELIA: Don't worry, I will have a very classic way for away team to escape.

JadeSolo: Yes, Wesley.... where could the good ol' lad be?

ACT IV: Time to Go

The away team had no choice but to go back into the previous storage compartment due to the fact that they had no cover. They now were ducking behind a pile of tribbles and the Goodyear tires to at least have some sort of cover. "We can't go back any further," Worf growled as he continued firing his phaser at the Romulans.

"Enterprise," Riker tapped his communicator, "We are trapped and in need of assistance." Captain Picard ordered the transporter to prepare to beam the away team back to the ship. "Transporter chief, can you get a lock on them?" he asked. "Negative, sir," Transporter Officer Clueless stated, "The transporters have been down since we beamed the away team to the Romulan ship."

"Why didn't you notify us that the transporters were down, Clueless?" Picard inquired. "I didn't want to cause an alarm on the ship," Clueless answered, "Plus it makes this episode more harrowing without the transporters available."

Picard was his usual stoic self with the news that the Transporter Chief had told him. He tapped his communicator. "Number One, I'm afraid to tell you that you are on your own. The transporter system is currently down."

"We will do our best, Captain," Riker told him, "These Romulans will forever know the name Enterprise," he beamed with pride as he continued to fire his phaser at the Romulans. "Well, Worf," Riker announced, "Today just may be a good day to die." Worf sneered at him and continued to fire away at the Romulans.

"If I may offer a suggestion, Captain," Wesley announced as he cleared his throat. "Yes, Ensign Crusher," Picard stated, "Go ahead, what else do we have to lose."

"I have been reformulating the various tachyon emissions that the Romulans have been venting into space since our firefight with them," Wesley told him. "And?" Picard questioned him, "What does that have to do with our current predicament?"

"Oh, nothing really," Wesley stated plainly, "It was just an interesting little task that had nothing to do with our current situation. It was just weird that they are emitting tachyon emissions. It's not every day that I get to study them."

Picard smacked his forehead. "Wesley, I'm probably going to regret this, but could you please go down to the transporter room and help get the transporters back on-line."

"Geez, why didn't I think of that?" Wesley wondered, "Aye, aye, sir, I'm headed down there now," he logged off of his station and boarded the turbolift. "To infinity and beyond," he stated as the turbolift doors closed.

"I'll be in my ready room," Picard announced to Counselor Troi, "Notify me once the transporters are fixed."

"Yes, Captain," Troi replied as Picard stepped into his ready room.

"The situation looks rather grim, doesn't it?" Data asked Commander Riker. "Data, see if you can target the lights," Riker ordered, "It could be our only way out of this mess."

Data and the rest of the away team targeted the lights and fired their phasers. Instantly, it was dark in the storage compartment. "Geordi, use your visor to now target the Romulans," Riker ordered. LaForge was the only one who could still see the Romulans. He fired his phaser at them repeatedly until they were all knocked unconscious by the stun of his phaser fire.

"All the Romulans have been knocked out, Commander," Geordi announced, "Let's form a chain and everyone can follow me to safety." The away team formed a chain behind LaForge and followed him to a compartment of the ship where the lights had not been knocked out.

"Good work, Geordi," Riker complimented him, "Now let's try to get to their transporter room so that we can beam back to the ship." The away team cautiously walked towards the transporter room aboard the Romulan vessel.

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Wesley was busy trying to repair the transporters

 

Don't worry Captain, they'll be back on-line before this episode is over



Let's hope so. I'd hate to think what Wesley will come up with to uselessly study next.

Great update

 

KELIA: Yes, I wonder what Wesley will do now.

---

[b]ACT V: Star Light, Star Bright[/b]

Data studied the Romulan transporter room carefully. The Away Team was counting on him figuring out the alien design and encryptions. Data's android mind calculated millions upon millions of solutions to this Romulan transporter conundrum.

"Aha," he mused, "The game is afoot."

"What game, Data?" Riker questioned him, "This is not the holodeck or your illustrious Sherlock Holmes program."

"Yes, Commander," Data obliged him, "But I've almost got the Romulan codes broken. It should be only a matter of minutes and then we'll be back aboard the [i]Enterprise[/i]."

"I can't wait," an exasperated Worf declared, "This Romulan warship is giving me space sickness."

"Space sickness," Geordi responded, "I thought that I was the only one with those symptoms."

All of a sudden everyone on the Away Team except for Data clenched their stomachs and searched furiously for a place to vomit. They all rushed outside of the transporter room and hurled on the Romulan walls. There vomit perfectly matched the greenish interior of the vessel.

They slowly wandered back into the transporter room as the effects of the space sickness now gripped them all. They re-rushed back into the hallway and repeated their respective hurls on the walls of the corridor.

"A few more episodes of that and I think that we'll be confined to quarters," Riker stated as the bad taste of his vomit lingered in his throat.

"That is the least of our worries, Commander," Data told him, "Internal sensors show a group of Romulans on their way towards our location."

Riker swallowed his bile hard and continued to grab his stomach.

"I don't think we'll be able to fight them, Data," Riker stated, "If you don't get us back to the [i]Enterprise[/i] in the next minute or two, I'm afraid that you'll be fighting the Romulans by yourself."

*****

Wesley finally completed putting the chips back into there respective locations.

"Transporter is back on line, Captain," he stated tapping his communicator, "Hopefully."

"Hopefully?" Picard queried him.

"I'm not 100% certain, Captain," Wesley answered, "If Data was here I know that it would be correct."

"Well, how much time do we have left before this episode is over, Ensign?" Picard questioned him.

"According to my calculations, we only have three minutes, Captain," Wesley responded, "So it's now or never, Captain."

"Energize then!" Picard ordered him forcefully.

"Aye, sir," Wesley dutifully replied as he pressed a few buttons on the transporter station. The panel flickered and then some sparks shot out of the transporter pad.

"Sir, I have a problem," Wesley stated as he tapped his communicator again.

"What now, Ensign?" Picard inquired.

"That's a good question, Captain," Wesley answered, "It's probably going to take me a few more minutes to ascertain the reason for the transporter malfunction."

"Great," Picard states as he smacks his forehead again, "What else could possibly go wrong?"

Just then the lights flickered on and off repeatedly on the whole ship. It seemed as if the whole vessel was now experiencing malfunctions.

"Captain, I figured out the reason for the malfunction," Wesley interrupted him, "I accidentally used AC current instead of DC".

"Well, thanks to you Ensign it seems as if the whole ship doesn't like the AC current," Picard told him, "We're experiencing multiple malfunctions throughout the ship now."

"Oh...." Wesley mused, "That doesn't make sense."

"Tell me about it," Picard remarked, "Just fix it before the last minute of this episode is up."

"Aye, sir," Wesley dutifully replied, "Switching to DC current now."

Wesley once again pressed some buttons on the transporter panel. This time a loud pop and a huge plume of smoke rose from the transporter pad.

"Dang," Wesley almost cursed, "I guess that wasn't the answer either."

The ship lurched to a halt and through the Bridge crew up against the imaging sc

 

Whew - that was close! But then, it usually is

won't that cause some irreversible paradoxical anomaly to occur?

But of course - something has got to keep us tuning in.

Great job on this story. I've enjoyed it from beginning to end

 

Thanks KELIA for sticking with this story. Hopefully I will have a sequel soon.