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Before - Legends Star Wars - Dark Counsels (Set shortly after Darth Bane)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by IamExarKun, Jan 25, 2006.

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  1. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006

    Title: Dark Counsels
    Author: IamExarKun
    Characters: smugglers, Jedi, a queen, a prince and an insidious counsellor...
    Summary: Two inexperienced smugglers travel to the distant prison planet of Caffar to deliver their cargo, only to find an unusual surprise...
    Set: Shortly after Darth Bane founded the new line of Sith Lords.
    Notes:: This is my very first attempt at writing fan fiction. So if I did anything wrong, I apologize.


    Prologue

    Like gems encrusted in a dark cave, the stars stood unwavering in the cold, unchanging dark of space. The millions of little dots of light shone quietly upon an uncaring, dark brown world, for on the planet of Caffar, there was no one to watch the stars. The planet was the farthest away from its system's star and the surface was so cold and forbidding that no known creature could hope to survive on it. However, Caffar was not uninhabited. Running over the northern hemisphere like a scar over the face of a grizzled soldier, was the great canyon known as Caffar's Abyss. There in the depths lay the entrance to the dreaded prisons of Caffar, a place where hope was nothing more than a memory to any who entered it.
    Suddenly the quietness was disturbed as the flat, grey shape of a light freighter emerged out of hyperspace. The ship looked damaged and scorched in places, like it had just narrowly escaped from a fight...

    "Well, here we are... " Lira sighed apprehensively. Her Twi'lek co-pilot didn't respond.
    "Jorian?"
    -"Lira, I'm not sure the Sparrow can take the weather conditions down there after that last... encounter with Ullac's boys..."
    "Come on, they hardly hit us!" Lira exclaimed in defence. Her ship, the Soaring Sparrow was dear to her and she felt personally offended at the slightest criticism to it.
    "Sometimes that's all it takes, I'm afraid" Jorian said in his typically cool way.
    -"We're heading down there right away, Jorian. It's not like we have much of a choice, anyway" Lira replied, ending the discussion.
    As the Soaring Sparrow entered the atmosphere of Caffar and made for the Abyss, Lira noticed the communications light was flickering. She pushed the button and after the initial static noise, a metallic sounding voice was heard.
    "Unidentified vessel, please state your identity".
    -"Caffar prison, this is the Soaring Sparrow requesting permission to land!" Lira yelled.
    Jorian frowned.
    "Is it really necessary to be so loud?" he asked.
    -"It will be until someone repairs the communications device..."

    The Soaring Sparrow slowly made for the deepest part of the Abyss, until it hovered over an enormous metal plate. The plate started moving and suddenly opened itself like a flower, shedding a cold blue light that reflected in a ghostly manner on the Sparrow and its surroundings.
    The ship lowered itself and landed in a large, empty hangar. As soon as the freighter rested firmly on the ground, blowing steam from its exhausts, the hangar door above closed again with a dull thud.
    "Well, at least we landed her safely" Jorian sighed, relieved. Lira ignored him and got out of the pilot's seat. A few moments later, the Sparrow's ramp lowered as Lira and Jorian emerged out of the ship. Jorian surveyed the hangar.
    "Shouldn't we be meeting someone here?"
    -"They'll come, don't worry!"
    "Quiet!" whispered Jorian hoarsely. He squinted, focussing on some distant sound.
    Then he turned to Lira, his bright orange eyes wide with worry. "Blasters... and the hum of a lightsaber.."
    Lira smiled incredulously. "A Jedi, here? That seems unlikely, my fr..."
    She halted. Now she heard the sounds too. There was some kind of heavy fight going on, and a lightsaber was definitely involved.
    All of a sudden a metal grate fell down before the two smugglers, making a hellish noise. Barely a moment later, a haggard looking Jedi followed, silent as a cat. As he touched the ground, he looked up and his gaze met with Lira's. The Jedi was an elderly man with striking, pleasant eyes and a grey ponytail. He smiled charmingly. "Hello there..
     
  2. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    If anyone has read this, I'd love some reviews.
     
  3. Obi-gone

    Obi-gone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 13, 2005
    First off, welcome to fan fic, my friend. It's a wonderful world to live in.

    Your first fic, eh? I must say, if this is your first fic I am impressed. Excellent first attempt. Prepare for some of my favorite critiqing. Don't worry...I don't bite. ;)



    A lot of great phrases in that sentence there. Just enough detail and explanation and you certainly have the "smooth factor" down well. Great job with those. Make sure you don't overuse them in the future, though (you didn't overuse them here, which is good.) I liked your introduction to the planet. Crisp and clear.

    As I read through this I am picking up a habit. You describe things really well in some areas but you leave it blank in others. I'll get into that later.


    That was difficult for me to read. Mainly because it isn't paragraphed "internet style". Sitting in front of a computer screen and trying to decipher somebody's fic that is bunched up into one big bundle is a loathsome task. Put one space in between each of your paragraphs and it will be much easier to read. Like this:

    "Are you sure?" Luke asked.

    "Positive," Han replied.


    Easier on the eyes. [face_hypnotized]


    As for your dialogue, it was pretty good but it could still use a little work. That will improve as you write more, so don't worry about it too much.


    I must say, I love the name. Perfect for a SW ship.




    Again, good description here. Space between paragraphs, please...


    Hmm...not bad, but I think you could do that wi
     
  4. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    Hey Obi-Gone,

    I must say I am flattered and impressed with your in-depth review. I'm sorry I didn't react earlier. I'm posting Chapter One now, and I'm also providing a link to my "audiobook version" of the prologue :)

    http://one.fsphost.com/spianomusic/Dark_Counsels/Prologue.mp3

    Again thanks, great comments!



    _____________________________________________________________________________________________




    Chapter One

    Nothing was as heartbreaking as the sight of a helpless parent, Jedi Master Relon Tide thought as he entered the luxurious hallway, closing the bedroom door behind him. He swallowed, working up the courage to look the queen into the eye again. She stared at him.
    "Is there nothing you can do?" she queried of him with a desperate look in her eyes.

    -"Your son's suffering is... beyond my understanding, you highness" Relon admitted. "I'm... so sorry".

    The queen broke down in tears. As Relon put his hand on her shoulder, he cast a glance back to the bedroom where the little prince lay dying. Perhaps one thing was worse to behold than the broken-hearted mother. There were some things even a wise Jedi Master, with all his knowledge of the Force, could not explain.
    Who was Relon Tide to explain why a gifted and promising young prince should be plagued by a terrible, mysterious disease for which no cure could be found?
    Who was he to understand the will of the Force at times like these, let alone explain it to a parent about to bury her own child? Relon Tide realized there was nothing more he could do here. He gently took his hand off the queen's shoulder. Slowly he continued down the hallway, his head bowed.

    Upon exiting the hallway, he found himself in a white marble veranda, overlooking a labyrinth of hedges that stretched out for many miles under the warm sunset.
    Sometimes, life as a Jedi Knight was a lot like queen Alithwa's garden, he thought. It all seemed so glorious and beautiful looking at it from a distance, but once inside, the view was just as restricting, just as confusing as that labyrinth before him.

    "You cannot save prince Loron, Master Tide" said a deep, crispy voice behind his back. Relon Tide turned around to face a man with a long blue face in an oxblood velvet robe, leaning on a tall, black staff.

    -"And you shouldn't, Raxa Maal" he hissed.

    The queen's counseler grinned sardonically. "Explain that to the queen..." he said.

    "Queen Alithwa knows better than to trust the judgement of a man of your reputation" Relon answered.

    Raxa Maal raised his eyebrows. "It's a wonder she still keeps me around then, don't you think?" he answered in a silken tone.

    -"If you can save the boy, you must. But I am watching you, Raxa..."

    Raxa Maal studied the older Jedi's features with amused arrogance.

    "All I intend to do is save the prince, my friend... You may watch me as much as you want..."


    *****


    Relon Tide opened his eyes. Something had shaken him out of his memory - a loud sound, as if a heavy object had hit the hull of the ship. He got up and made for the Soaring Sparrow's cockpit. The door was open, and when he got close he could overhear part of a conversation between the captain and her co-pilot.

    "Weren't you the one who said "but he IS a Jedi"?" Jorian asked rhetorically.

    -"You know, you don't usually pay so much attention to everything I say!"

    There was the sound of a restrained chuckle. "No, only if I can use it against you..."

    -"Look..." Lira started, "we've got him on board, we delivered the cargo, we didn't sign the contract with Quie, our decision has been made and there's no point in arguing anymore about it."

    Relon decided it was time for him to make his presence known. "And you chose well, believe me" he said with cool, Jedi-like confidence.

    "Shouldn't you be meditating right now?" Lira asked.

    The Jedi took a few steps towards the control board and inspected it while responding.

    -"Well, yes, but something disturbed me. Did we get h
     
  5. Obi-gone

    Obi-gone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 13, 2005
    Well, I just found out that I can't post constructive criticism on this site, as I'm used to doing on others. If you really want me to go into more depth on my reviews, I could pm you with my thoughts.

    But, what I cansay, is that I liked it and this addition was better than your last. I feel that you really have improved in that addition. I'm looking forward to more of this story. You have a way of captivating the reader's attention.

    Obi-gone
     
  6. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    CHAPTER TWO

    "That Raxa Maal sounds like a pretty shifty type" Lira said. The Soaring Sparrow had just gone into hyperspace and was on its way to Tatooine.

    "Consider that an understatement" Relon Tide sighed. "He was being quite serious when he threatened to be my undoing..."

    -"Oh?" Jorian reacted inquisitively. He looked at Relon with a gleeful face hoping for a juicy story.

    "Don't look at me that way..." the Jedi said with the tired voice of a frustrated parent. Jorian kept smiling at Relon with feigned innocence.

    "There's nothing funny about it. He took me away from everything that mattered to me... even my dignity..."

    A sudden grimness fell over the Jedi's features. Lira could tell he was reliving a very unpleasant memory indeed...

    *****

    A bitter taste lived in his mouth. Relon felt a disturbance in the Force.
    He opened his eyes and turned his head to look out of the window of his room. The full moon cast a silver-blue light on the world. Something about his familiar surroundings felt dreamlike, almost unreal. He sighed bitterly. For the past few days, his thoughts had dwelt on Raxa Maal and a gloomy feeling had engulfed the Jedi. After the hearing, Relon had been observing the counsellor for six months, studying his every move, trying to sense his mind, following him as much as he could. And he had discovered nothing. Nothing to show for it, while he knew Maal was not to be trusted. Relon felt frustrated with himself. A few months ago, the queen had fulfilled her promise and appointed Raxa to be Neron's planetary representative in the galactic senate on Coruscant. And since that day, everything had been going well for everyone. And yet, Relon felt he had failed the queen... Raxa Maal had evil plans and he would find them out... Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to travel to Coruscant himself... If only he could convince the queen of...
    There was a flash in the back of Relon's mind and then he sensed it, like ripples in quiet water announcing the presence of a Firaxan shark.
    Raxa.
    And the Dark Side.
    The Force was warning Relon, and he had to act. Without thinking, he got out of his bed and put on his Jedi robes. With a gesture of his hand, he opened the wooden case containing his lightsaber. It flew to his hand and as he moved to clip it to his belt, he suddenly sensed an immediate danger. The door of his room swung open and two stocky mercenaries with blaster rifles stepped in.

    "Don't move, Jedi" one of them said, but Relon ignored them and jumped forward while igniting his sabre, slicing both their weapons in a single fluid stroke of his green blade.

    "Hold it..." an uncannily familiar voice said, as Relon felt his muscles suddenly growing stiff.

    A burning pain gripped him from within and he fell down on his knees. He grunted, trying to focus on his Jedi meditations to tune out the pain. Then he saw someone walking in from the hallway. With great effort, Relon looked up and faced Raxa Maal.

    "You..."
    Maal smiled. "Surprised? Yes, I know I'm supposed to be on Coruscant, fulfilling my senatorial duties... However, things are going so smoothly that I could afford to take a personal day and set some... personal business straight."

    -"Just tell me what you want, Maal" Relon grunted.

    "Oh, that's simple enough... I want you... gone".

    -"If you plan to kill me, just get it over with. I don't feel like listening to your crooked words..."

    An evil parody of a fatherly smile blossomed on Raxa's long face. "Killing you would be so... uninspired. I think you'd suffer more if I just put you in jail with the time to reflect on your failure... If I know you well, Relon, it will eat you alive..."

    Relon felt the pain tighten around his chest. It was becoming too powerful to subdue. "How... are you going... to explain..."

    -"Oh, I think the queen will find my little trick quite convincing" Raxa interrupted the Jedi, as he produced a small platform from his robes. As it rested in his palm, a small blue hologram of Relon tide appeared. With great horror, Relon heard himself spea
     
  7. Obi-gone

    Obi-gone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 13, 2005
    I like what you've done with this Raxal Maal guy. He's cool, smooth, and just a downright neat badguy. I also like the characterization on Relon Tide. You really have set up these guys as two interesting characters. I look forward to seeing more of this story.

    Why not? They've got two suns; you could work on your tan over there.

    hehe...I like that line. Funny.

    Hmm...something beneath the waves? Could it be a...Star Forge? hehe. You've set some mystery into the air with this update. Keep up the good work. And sorry it took me a few days to get back to you on this. Fear not. I'm reading. ;) Sometimes it takes me a while to get to it is all.


    Obi-gone
     
  8. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    Thanks! Very motivating comments!

    Heheh, I suppose the KOTOR influence is indeed fairly strong, but there is no Star Forge :)

    Here is a wallpaper I made for some reason :) It features myself as a Sith-like character.[image=http://one.fsphost.com/IamExarKun/DCwallpaper1.jpg]
     
  9. Obi-gone

    Obi-gone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 13, 2005
    heyhey!!! Cool wallpaper. Dang! I've been wanting to make something like that for my story, Forgotten Hope, but I can't figure it out. I've got a recent version of Photoshop, but I can't quite get it to look nice. Oh, well. Very cool wallpaper, ExarKun. Nice.


    Obi-gone
     
  10. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    Forgotten Hope, eh? I'll be sure to check it out!

    Btw: if you want, I'll be happy to try and make something wallpaperish for you - unless you prefer making your own stuff, which is quite understandable.
     
  11. Obi-gone

    Obi-gone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 13, 2005
    Forgotten Hope, eh? I'll be sure to check it out!

    Feel free to read it. I'm always looking for new readers. Just click the link on my signature. It'll take you right to my fic.

    Btw: if you want, I'll be happy to try and make something wallpaperish for you - unless you prefer making your own stuff, which is quite understandable.

    Thanks. I would like to make my own stuff, but there's a problem: I don't know how. I can't go on my own if I don't know how to do anything. I am making some progress...but it's very, very slow. I can blend two pictures together and make it look fairly decent if I'm lucky. If you know of any tutorials on the internet that could help me with stuff like that, it would be greatly appreciated. But don't worry if you don't. I haven't been able to find any.

    Thanks for the offer...I don't want anything now, but maybe later. I'll keep that in mind.


    Obi-gone
     
  12. IamExarKun

    IamExarKun Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jan 25, 2006
    You can now listen to both the Prologue and Chapter One (read by myself and including music from the films) right here:

    http://fsphost.com/IamExarKun/
     
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