Star Wars (in Glaswegian) Episode IV - Ra Polis Strike Back

Discussion in 'Scotland' started by PadawanSDM, Feb 20, 2003.

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  1. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    It's 3 years since ra Death-Baw was toppled at Blackhill and DCI Vader's polis have scoured the country looking fur Sheepshagger and his mates and haunders. Using a variety of anal probe jakies, Vader is sure that he'll soon be finding wee sheepshagger and finishing him wance and fur a.

    Meanwhile, in their secret frozen hideaway in east Kilbride, Sheepshagger and Handsome Solo are hain a look aroond fur trouble.

    Sheepshagger: "**** me, it's freezin here"
    Solo: "Aye, it's always freezing in East Kilbride, even noo in June"
    Sheepshagger: "Here, gees a draw o yer spliff man"
    Solo: "So, still no shagging wee Senga?"
    Sheepshagger: "Na man, ave nae chance there mate. Anyhoo, am still a bit....keen, if ye know wit a mean"
    Solo: "A dinnae worry wee man, wan o these days ye'll gety yer tadger oot o yer breeks furst. Am headin back noo, this place is pure desertit man"
    Sheepshagger "aye, well I though I heard a sort of baaing sound fae just behind those bushes so a'd better go and hae a look"
    Solo (laughing) - aye mebbe she'll remember Ewe eh?

    Solo heads back tae the hideoot as sheepshagger heads towards his only chance o a screw!
  2. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Sheepshagger gets on the mobile::

    "sheepshagger tae whirlies base, sheepshager tae whirlies base - not a soul in sight oot here - I'll be hame for tea nae bother.
    I'll just take a pish behind yon bush and head back"

    zzzzzzzzzip

    but as the steam rises from Sheepshaggers relief, a low growl sounds behind him ? and suddenly a huge Ayrshire Hairy lunges at his exposed manhood...

    "AIEEEEEEE" squeals Sheepshagger, and passes out...

    the huge Ayrshire hairy - clearly a female of the species - drags Sheepshagger off into the hills, where she intends to keep him for her own vile purposes........
  3. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
  4. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Arriving back at Whirlies base, Solo heads ower tae the Capri Falcon when the big man Chewin Baccy is under the bonnet trying tae sort it oot.

    Solo: "Here, wit the **** ur ye dain tae ma motor - yae need a 3 quarter spanner fur that and yae've goat a 6 eights - ya glaekit lump o hair"
    Chewin Baccy: "sarightfuryoutaestaundrerandgeemearighttellinaffwhenyaedinnadae****alltaethismotoroyours"
    Solo: "That's easy fur you tae say. Get it soarted, we're oot o here in two hours - am away tae tell ra boss that we're offski"

    Solo walks through the scrappy part o the base and finds ra general Arse Reekin

    Solo: "aright man?"
    Arse Reekin: "Solo, ya wee tag - howz it goan?"
    Solo: "Aye, no bad. Listen, me an ra big man are gonny dae a runner - it wis that tube we ran intae in Pollockshields - says ma teas oot unless I pay Big Malkie the Hutt whit a owe him"
    Arse Reekin: "Ach yer arse, solo - big Malkie's a fat ****** - he couldn't run efter ye tae save his life"
    Solo: "mebbes aye and mebbes naw, bit he's goat wads o money and is already paying folk tae see that am no a problem any mair."
    Arse Reekin: "well **** off then ya wee numpty - ye might be good haunders wi a shooter but a've nae time fur *****bags"
    Solo: "up yoors ya smelly arsed git"

    Solo spots Senga who has been listenin tae this and wanders up.

    Solo: "Right doll, am aff"
    Senga: "So whit?"
    Solo: "Dinna gees that patter hen, ah know yir gaggin fur it fae me"
    Senga: "yer arse in parsley - a widna go near you wi sheepshaggers"
    Solo: "cya then ya daft tart"

    He wanders off but Senga soon catches up

    Senga: "here, haud on a minute"
    Solo: "Whit is it noo"
    Senga: "Big Vader goat it in fur me and Sheepshagger and we need haunders fae you tae sort him oot"
    Solo: "So are ye coming across wi the goods then"
    Senga: "Nae chance, ad rather be humped against a Capri wi a...hairy arsed lump"
    Solo: "That cin be sorted doll"

    He storms aff leaving Senga pure bealin!
  5. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
  6. malkieD2 Ex-Manager and RSA

    Member Since:
    Jun 7, 2002
    star 7
    excellent :D keep it coming :)

    Big Malkie the Hutt
  7. MOTs_Minx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 26, 2000
    star 6
  8. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
  9. darth-bendy-ned Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2001
    star 4
    this parody is rubbish.

    it's nothing like episode iv.


    although it does bear an uncanny resemblence to episode v....

  10. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    we'll sort that continuity error out on the special edition DVD...
  11. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Anyway, no-one said our Episode's will mimic GL's ;)

    And so, on with the show....
  12. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Heid bumping along the ground, Sheepshagger is dragged through the frozen concrete underpasses of East Kilbride, till the Big Scarey Ayrshire Hairy reaches her lair in the Crystals
    Bar-Discotheque in the Plaza Centre.

    "You wait here, lover" she growls, lifting him up and hinging him by his collar on the coathooks outside the ladies? bogs.
    "Ah?m, jist away tae freshen up ? but afore I go, here?s a wee something tae get you in the mood"

    Prizing Sheepshagger?s unconcious mouth open, the mutton-armed monster pops a wee blue rhomboid-shaped pill on his tongue and, when he shows no sign of swallowing it himself, raises a bottle of vodka to his mouth and washes it back with a big sloosh o? that.

    "That?ll put lead in yir pencil".

    10 minutes later, Sheepshagger is woken by two things ? the sound of a toilet flushing nearby, and a stonner so hard that its actually hurting him.

    "Whit the f?.?"

    Flapping his legs in mid-air and scrabbling uselessly at his collar, he realises just how vulnerable his inflamed manhood is to the demands of the hormonal Hairy.

    "Oh jings?? where?s ma chib? Where?s ma daddy?s carpet-cutter?"

    And then he spots his trusty blade, lying on the floor several yards away, next to his breeks, which have been pulled off inside-oot by his amorous attacker?.. and speaking of which, could that be her heavy footsteps approaching fae the ladies?

    "oh no?. mammydaddymammydaddy??.I dinny want to??..well I do want to?. but???but??. no wi? that hound "

    Fighting the panic, Sheepshagger tries to clear his mind of the effects of the aphrodisiac by reciting 1970s Scotland World Cup squads.

    "eehhhh?. Gemmel, Rough, Johnstone, Souness?. ehh?.. ehhh?.oh jings?.. STRACHAN !!"

    And with that, The Fartz suddenly flows through him, but backwards! The rectal vacuum created mystically pinpoints the discarded chib, and sooks it at speed towards his whistling ring.
    "Ya beauty !" he exclaims as he snatches the blade (before it can be sooked up entirely) and slides it open.
    Not a moment too soon, as the Ayrshire Hairy suddenly bursts through the door and, with a howl of lust, lunges for his Angry Amoruso.
    "Getawayfae-me-ya-big-horrur" he cries, slashing at the neck of his jacket, and tumbling to the floor with chib rased afore him?..
    "Oh dinnae be like that, ma wee lover, I only want a bit o?fun," pleads the Hairy, still advancing?
    "Aye well, go slide doon a barstool, ya minger." he yells, swinging his chib and, apparently by blind luck, snecking the exposed bra-strap on her hairy shodder.
    With a resounding thump, wan of her great hairy mamms pops out and hits the floor, tangling her feet and sending her flying headfirst into the front of the fag-machine..

    Not hanging around to see what happens next, Sheepshagger staggers at speed out of the niteclub, lightheaded with the vodka and the continuing concentration of at least 50% of his blood at his groin.

  13. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    Back at Whirlies Base, Handsome is poking bad-temperedly at the Capri Falcon?s carburretor.

    "That wee bawbag Sheepshagger is away wi? ma WD40 again," he mumbles tae hisself.
    "And right enough ? ah?ve no seen him back in yet ?.. I wonder if he caught that sheep? But if he did, he?d hae been done wi? it 30 seconds later?.?

    Getting concerned for his idiot pal, Handsome strides oot of the garage and pokes his heid into the neds? telly room.

    "HO ! Which wan o? you bawscratchers is watching the door the night?
    "Its me big man Mr Solo, sur," sez a wee ned in a kangol shellie.
    "Aye right good. Is Sheepshagger back for his tea yet?"
    "Naw"
    " Is that it? ?naw? ?"
    "Aye"
    "Are they scrambler bikes fitted wi? the snow chains yet?"
    "Naw"
    "Yir a great help, pal. Tell you what, get me wan o? the guard Rottie?s hitched up to a sledge right noo, and if it takes you mair than a minute, you?ll have ma toe up yir arse."

    55 seconds later, Solo slides oot the garage, towed behind a fierce looking Rottie wi? a studded collar.

    "Ah?m aff tae find ma we pal," he shouts, as the swirling snow quickly hides him from view.

    Wee Senga and Big Guy Chewin Baccy shake their heids as the garage doors swing shut ? and Ceen-nuthin, already oan his third can of superlager of the night, observes:-
    "I?d bet oan Barry Ferguson being the next Pope before I bet on seeing they pair again?.."
    "Shut it, ya dipso," snarls Senga, as she stalks aff in search of her fags.

    Meanwhile, Sheepshagger has escaped the Hairy, but he?s clearly still in serious soapy.
    Along the icey and abandoned East Kilbride,shopping precinct, our hero bounces aff shop windaes and trips over concrete bollards, all the time guarding his poor throbbing walloper fae the bitter wind.
    But to no avail. Night is falling, and the cold, the drugs and the lingering concussion take their toll. Halfway across a sparsely shrubbed roundabout island, he collapses in a heap??
    Consciousness starts to slip away

    "Luuuuke?..Luuuuuke?..wake up ya wee baaaw-baaaag "
    "McNulty? ObiWan McNulty?"
    "Luuuke?.. you must get aff yir arse and go tae the isle of Great Cumbrae. There you must seek out Auld-Dan, the Nedi master, who?ll tell ye aw ya need to know??.. and the Millport chippie does a great sausage supper an? aw. Yir journey?ll no be wasted?."
    "McNulty?. come back? ah?ve no got the bus fare tae get me to Millport?..can ye gie me a tap till ma next giroooo??."

    And with the Sheepshagger finally succumbs to the cold ? just as the frost encrusted figure of Handsome Solo emerges from the murk, preceded by a large panting Rottweiller, wi icicles hinging from its slavvery tongue?????.
  14. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    LMAO - Excellent work Mr DD - I see the stakes have been raised ;)

    //reaches up to grasp raised stakes and wanders off in search of inspiration

  15. Obi_one_and_only Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2001
    star 5
    "Luuuke?.. you must get aff yir arse and go tae the isle of Great Cumbrae. There you must seek out Auld-Dan, the Nedi master, who?ll tell ye aw ya need to know??.. and the Millport chippie does a great sausage supper an? aw. Yir journey?ll no be wasted?."
    "McNulty?. come back? ah?ve no got the bus fare tae get me to Millport?..can ye gie me a tap till ma next giroooo??."



    [face_laugh]

    Hilarious!
  16. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Solo ties the Rottweiller tae the nearest lamppost and goes tae help his friend. He turns young sheepshagger on his back almost impaling himself on sheepshaggers swollen member.

    Solo: "**** me, ye could fly the Saltire on that thing...lucky wee Senga isnae here or she'd be up an doon that pole like a fireman's prostitute. Here - wake up ya wee bawbag, I see ye fund that sheep, ya durty wee begger. Is the sheep deid? I canny see it lasting long wi that thing ramming away"

    Sheepshagger mumbles incoherently so Solo decides to put Sheepshagger ower his back and carry him back tae Whilries base.

    Solo: "****** thing keeps poking intae ma back - that wee bawbag better no cream ma shirt, this is ma finest Burberry copy"

    Finally he makes it back tae the base and dumps him in the first-aid room. Twa bruising medical jakies pick wee Sheepshagger up and dump him intae the Buckta tank, containing the mystical and healing (yet potent) "fortified wine of life"

    Just then Him-two, Ceen-nuttin, Senga and the the big man chewin baccy arrive.

    Ceen-nutin: "That lucky wee ******, how come he gets tae drink a that Buckta?"
    Him-two: "Whit the **** is that snake thing floating aboot in there wi him - it seems tae have eatin his tag"
    Senga (eyes popping oot her heid): "Sweet ****, wid ye look at the size o that thing - that's nae snake - well maybe the wan-eyed trousered variety - git him oot tae I gee him a good seeing tae"
    Solo: "Oi - lee him alane - the poor bugger must be knackered"

    Just then the tannoy systems starts up

    Tannoy: "here yous lot - some bawbag seems tae be prowlin around near the Whirlies round-aboot. A heard a rumour o strange goings on - Wan o yous will hae tae go and hae a wee gander"
    Solos: "Right big man we'll away and see whits goin oan"

    Solo and Chewin baccy head oot tae the Whirlies and try tae see whit's goin doon.

    Solo: "Probably some wee ned or a jakie pissin aroond or someit but wid better hae a good look. Here you go that wiy and I'll go this wiy and we can see whit happenin."

    Solo and Chewin Baccy head off and stop at either side o the roundabout and look intae the middle. They are greeted by the site of a leather-clad jakie sticking a huge phallic like object up the rectum of an Ayrshire Hairy (who seems tae be enjoying too much)

    Jakie "Right, if ye dinnae tell me whur thae scumbags ur, am gonnae take this oot and a wilnae put it back in"
    Ayrshire Hairy: "Dinnae stoap man, it's brill. Aye aright, I hid a hoad a wee begger that goes by the name of sheepshagger - he twanged ma bra an ****** aff before I could get a good ride. Said someit aboot Whirlies base"

    Solo: "That wee knob - wait till I get my haunds on him. Right big, man - let that Probe Jakie huv it"

    Solo and Chewin Baccy pull oot their shooters and pump the probe jakie and the hairy full o lead.

    Solo: "Die ya bassers - right, we'd better let the rest know"

    In Whirlies base Sengs is listening tae Solo on her knocked-aff Nokia

    Solo: "aye it wis definitely a probe Jakie"
    Senga: "**** - that means ra polis will be here soon"
  17. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    [face_laugh]

    you know, of course, that the previous episode was, for some time, under serious threat of deletion by the swear-o-phobic mods....

    // prays that same mods aren't about //
  18. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Yes, I did think that when I was typing away. Still, I'm sure the mods, being the intelligent beings they are, will realise that any swearing is not there for gratuitous effect but is an integral part of Glaswegian life.

    As for the anal-probe jakies.... ;)
  19. Darth_Asabrush Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 21, 2000
    star 5
    I grimaced when I saw the return of this thread. Then I prayed. Then I read it, I prayed some more then grimaced again........

    I'll be keeping a close eye on things just don't push it too far.........please.
  20. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    you heard the man, Padawan...
    don't you push that anal probe thing too far.
    we could lose it entirely.......

    .......the thread that is.
  21. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Thank you for your understanding Darth_Asabrush. We will indeed try to keep within boundries while keeping the humour and story intact.

    However, grimace ye not! As this is the funniest (okay one of the funniest) threads on these boards.

  22. PadawanSDM Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 4
    Paging DD - you're on mate
  23. Sebulba_Sloan RSA Alumni

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 2002
    star 4
  24. MrDankDonk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2001
    star 4
    I'm on the case !

    // scribbles away
  25. Sebulba_Sloan RSA Alumni

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 2002
    star 4
    Sorry, but you'll have to 'star-out' any swearing... or suggestive of it. But I don't see why Scottish swearing isn't allowed ;)
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